Friends & Neighbors

Let's take a moment to revisit an old and well worn theme of mine: alone

I'm alone, very very alone.  I've been here before & I'll be here again - right now I am awake in an empty bed - the cuddlesharks are circling elsewhere.  I do not want random bed filler, I do not even want a random friend to fill in, I do not want an interest interested in filling in or filling themselves but only if I maintain a tertiary or secondary role in their lives/relationships.  I want what I've lost, I want what I am worth, I want what I want & as I'm oft found quoting "it's good to want things" - it lets me put a finer tooth on the details.  finer tooth, sharper tooth, lets me bite deeper.  even if I'm only biting myself - if i leave a big enough scar maybe i'll remember why i was biting to begin with.  i sleep safely alone.  that much i feel - even when I am with others - the sleep isn't as deep, the rest not as real - I'm aware, of other bodies, other breath, other dangers.  I tell myself if i almost feel like i slept well - then it was good, but I know there are other arms just past consciousness that i still fall into - I was dozing - fading a few moments ago, awakening with Johnny's name on my lips.  Reste avec moi dupuis je reve, pas'd ici, mais apres, apres maintenant, quand je reve apres ici.  A mon coeur...  His scent in my nose, that somehow manly scent of unspent youth, wounded boi, strong man, musky yet clean, sweaty yet enticing.  The man's phermones should have been bottled or at least never ingrained in me.  Fingers finding bare comforter instead of thick hair, and a skin i have yet to work out of my fingers.  I can count on one hand the skins that are burned onto my hands - Johnny, Adam, Michael, David - all far gone from my life 3 of the 4 are dead, but my hands remember - always searching for that skin again.  Lips searching for that kiss, that kiss that understands me & knows me & wants me, soft like a brush w/ the softest spider silk, strong enough to steal my breath & stop my heart & weaken my knees.  vibration straight thru me like standing on the rooftop watching fireworks explode 200 yards away - or standing too close to an o-daiko.  A body to cling to strong enough to hold me, weak enough to need me to steady.  I hear the echo of his voice, whispering his last words in my ear, tripping down my ears the consonants spiralling down to my inner labyrinths, being locked away, surfacing as i float to & from wakefulness.  Replaying less & less with each passing year just to come screaming in volume unbidden in the middle of nothingness.  

I don't do this everyday.  I'm just a touch on the lonely side of alone right this second and I am honored by the love that is offered.  but as Garrison Keillor has ranted before me - it's just not enough these simple compliments - I crave more.  I crave so much more than what I'm finding or allowing or allowed right now.  I crave a safe peace somewhere warm.  & not alone.  Not in this bed alone.  I crave...

Now back to your regularly scheduled rants & musings...



it is 40 out - a full 25 degrees colder now than 12 hours ago

What the fuck? Ohio weather - WHAT THE FUCK? - really i think that is why i'm going to curl back up to sleep...


I've been up for 2 hours - since 0700 - according to what I can sort out my power went out at 0606 - the dvr caught the first 6 mins of the 0600 tv show i was trying to record.  I awoke in darkness - feeling something soft off the end of the bed w/ my foot - my first thought was - oh noes there is a pillow against the space heater -until i paused & oriented myself to the room & realized that my feet were at the other end of the bed.  Once things were back on (0745) I found eggs for breakfast, turned on the tv to find something to put me back to sleep & grabbed the computer to check in - my computer showed no interwebs.  I have spent the last hour and a half sorting out what exactly needed to be done between the Airport & the modem & the cable company exactly what I needed to refresh & reset after an hour and 40 mins w/o power this morning.  All is well in me universe - clearly working again - I really really really like my internets - the tubes are good to me and so I thank the tubes.  For now I'm going back to sleep - I'm freakin tired & cold.


About fucking time

Literally seems the theme is time oriented - but it looks to be joious - the Case Film Society has finally fucking posted the schedule for Sci Fi Marathon this year - I'm going - WHO IS COMING WITH ME???

& yes I want to make out w/ someone


I have a cart & cooler - I'm plotting on an air mattress, the same area for setting up as last year, I'm tossing in a crock pot & bag of frozen meatballs & jarred marinara sauce - I figure throw them in together & 4-6 hours on low later we have delicious goodness to smear/smoosh on bread - I guess I need bread too.  $$$ or other crock goodies & we could have lil corner of hot food & love.  Talk to me to sort details.  I can live w/o making out w/ anyone, just a disappointment in the human race in general that I'm sleeping alone tonight.  Hmmm limes for my Dr Pepper & ice for at least the first night - I like ice.  



Good bye

Eartha Kitt has left us as well - sadness, just sadness.


I'm in bed - curled up with the cuddlesharks - wishing I was not alone, about to watch "The Strangers" - I've already enjoyed "Death Race" today - I remember watching "Death Race 2000" when I was a kid so much joi.  

I'm a bit floaty - I hope all of you taking a few mins to read this find a lil peace, maybe more than a little, maybe enough to share a bit as the holidays round out today with Solstice, Chanukah, and Christmas, all passing by so quickly.  

Solstice this year was marked by ritual in the woods with friends - it was beautiful and strong and a lot of what I needed inviting the sun back into my world.  

Christmas I head to my mother's home to celebrate tomorrow - I get to see my sisters, brother-in-law, and my nieces, one of whom I have not yet met.  I'm rather excited to see them.  


Remember this?

well this?  Get this - I acted the grown up & dropped it, I did not call him & bother him, I caught the hint that he was not into me & acted in a mature manner - the guy just IMed me - started talking like we were friends, like I in any way am emotionally invested enough to care that he is alone & has had a rough day.  I'm alone, I've had a rough month or three...

SERIOUSLY: It is like being picked last on the playground by the boi you have a crush on - on one hand you want to go and play because you sort of like him, on the other hand there is the fucking insulting manner he chose to spend time with you.  as a kid I might have just accepted it & played - as a grown up I resent the implication that I am worth anything less.  

I'm taking my Capt's 100 Proof  & heading for the bathtub, to read some Borges & be reminded that finding a lil physical comfort in this world is not always the most complicated thing ever.  Wish Patrick & Sarah were here to join me.  mmmmmmm  so simply delightful.  


Another Saturday night...

I am awake - I feel pretty ok

I stayed awake after work today - instead of scurrying home i stopped by & signed up for my year's membership @ the fitness center at work.  Paid for by my employee health plan.  Once I make 10 visits a month for the next 10 months I will be handed $100 by my employer for my efforts to take better care of myself.  SERIOUSLY - it is 1 block out of my way to and from work at the new ofc.  FREE, FREE PARKING - which seriously I'm talking about the Cleveland Clinic on main campus - they don't do that.  They charge for EVERYTHING.  AND they are going to give me $100 for showing up.  I really think anyone not willing to do this is from my position is an idiot.  I get to start Monday morning before work - bright & early  - many laps then off to open the ofc.  I hope it works.  When I walked thru today there was no one in the pool - blew my mind.  All I want to do is to swim laps til I'm exhausted.  Physical exhaustion will be so much nicer than this mindless mind exhaustion that I'm currently struggling thru.  

***Oh and I just took a dump the size of a birthday cake...

My insanity

View outside my building: lil deer gettin their grub on...  Well crappy cell phone pic of one

View from my desk: I see trees in the atrium & hear the fountain 2 stories below me.



Meet Aughra my new GPS - I picked it up for about half of what it is selling for now over the Black Friday madness.  More beneficial than I can mention in regards to getting me to and from work on the eastside which i am totally unfamiliar with than I can put properly into words.


Bettie's gone.  Tears.  By today's standards she'd be fat.  I love her beauty & grace, smile & joi.  Just stunning icon.


I am

moved into the new office.

My commute is doubled & I hate it - Waaaay to much driving on surface streets - it is tolerable on the early AM portion - but anything after 0700 sucks ass.  Too much traffic on the roads.

There is a gorgeous view from my desk - into the atrium, skylight, fountain down below on the first floor, much shrubbery - very nice

I dig the chick who is sitting next to me, very very sweet.  

I hate being so strangely isolated from everyone else - I must stay put to answer phones - I feel strange running to the restroom & just getting coffee is a hike to the back of the building, past 12 treatment rooms & into the big copy/mailroom.  

Soooo many new people & not nearly as friendly as I would have liked - so I am playing the "I'm sweet & nice & love me" game w/ them all.  Shhhhh they don't know yet what a hateful vindictive bitch I am.

Just thought I'd share.  I'm broken & awaiting Solstice w/ every breath.

& Wayne, dearest mostest favorite cousin without whom I would be much less happy in life (thank you), I now own a copy of Hogfather on DVD - I'll look into hooking you up with a copy - I heart it soooooo much, thank you for pointing it out to me.



Just tryin to hide for a minute, but I'm always found - not complaining. - hold me.


I hate hospitals

Seriously.  Liz is out of surgery, we did not get to go see her in the interim beforehand because she was running so damned late.  They were able to do everything laprascopically, and the tumor did not activate while they were manipulating it (spewing adrenaline into her system - yes this was a concern), she appears to be responding well overall & has been ready to leave the recovery room for over an hour.

WE ARE WAITING ON A BED.  There is one for her - but, alas, they have to clean the room yet.  That was over an hour ago.  at that time they said .5-1 hr.  LIES, LIES I tell you all lies.  We can't go see her wherever she is (I imagine her just wheeled into and sitting in the hallway outside said room, unable to see (no glasses/contacts) at the mercy of the crazies wandering the halls - yes I imagine all brain tumor patients showing signs of dementia wandering free just beyond those doors tormenting my sis).  



After magickally getting out of work early last night I headed for Columbus - It took 4 hours - because the roads were that bad, the drivers were such idiots, and some fucking idiot dropped it down to a one lane construction zone just past an entrance ramp at a busy highway & therefore dropped it to 5 miles an hour - literally took an hour to go 5 miles - of course the frustrating part was that there was no snow at that point.  
Parker graciously met me at the hotel & took care of finding us food.  Tasty Thai chix pasta & buffalo pizza.  I took meds & we fell asleep.  He kindly gave me a ride to the James Cancer Center for my sister's surgery.  Mom was there by 0555, I was there by 0600, Liz showed up at 0620 for her 0600 check in time.  Right this second it is 0709 & she is up doing the pre-op, we will get to see her one more time before she goes under.  I love her sooooooooo much & want things to go easily & well for the surgery.   AND there is free WiFi here - but no chatting - it won't let any of my IM services connect.  Bastards.

I am taking the shuttle back to the hotel & sleeping tonight.  Tomorrow i am checking out then sitting here til my other sister & her oldest daughter arrive, spending time & possibly a meal with them & then heading back to the land of Cleve.  I am exhausted and getting hungry - I want to get her into surgery now to get her done sooner & then get to bed sooner - is that crazy - I just want the stress to be over sooner.  



I'm clean, in a very sort of Depeche Mode sort of way.  While scritching her back this weekend I noticed that Obi had scabby bits of unhappy skin at the base of her tale along her spine - so the project tonight was KittyWash 2008.  I stopped and picked up some nice kitty shampoo & we began - She was much better behaved - I filled the tub pretty full & the water was a lil on the hot side & she actually seemed to relax & enjoy it for a few moments - She stopped the crazy deep meowring.  

& for those keeping score - the eastside is expecting 8" today - THE EASTSIDE - where my ofc is moving to at the end of the month - INTO THE SNOWBELT - I fucking hate this part & that I get to do the entire winter's commute to start things off there is not endearing it to me.


I'm up

And it is still dark out.  Wes showed up @ my door at midnight - I was asleep i barely woke up enough to let him in.  So happy I didn't have to get dressed & would be warmed after that blast of cold air.  I wasn't awake enough for words.  we just curled up to sleep.  Right now he is curled up around me sound asleep - he makes these lil murmurring noises periodically.  So sweet.  Reason #3784 why I love him: he doesn't read this - he had no clue how much i really have been craving to be touched.  I've missed him & his magical ability to wrap himself around me like a human blanket w/o making me feel smothered.  I know he showed up for himself but I appreciate his treatment of me.  It is so rare that I am awake before him - I'm going to make some chai & throw in a movie & watch him sleep for a few hours.  And just enjoy his sweet soft flesh today - I'm thinkin I want a rubdown later if he's willing.  You know I have no idea why he is in town at all.  

***Note: from now on if you show up @ my place unannounced I expect the usual offerings of cheesecake &/or booze AND I want to know why you are here in the first 5 mins - I'm too freakin accepting of those I love.


Liking bois...

OK - I know you have to take a cluestick & beat them sometimes. But I want to register the complaint that sometimes you get the "yay" signals that they are interested in you then *poof* - the jump away? - Were they really interested? Or did they just get busy?

So I met up w/ a boi several weeks ago & he was cute & interesting & we hung out & watched cruddy horror movie & laughed & held hands (yes, cute I know) - we did not end up making out but for a first meeting - I was fairly pleased at the speed with which things were progressing. Then things got busy for both of us & I know that if I don't put forth some kind of effort I might as well just pretend we never met. So I'm back to the ARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH. & I don't want to be pestering or a nag - but I'd like to plan my world out - U know as well as I do that when someone catches my interest I like to see how it will play out - that's what it means, you see, to have my interest - I'm INTERESTED. I'd like to set up a second date/encounter and put it on the books not because I'm all anal and needs scheduling but things are getting more & more complicated in my lil world & I don't like missing the op to follow something new. AND there are other responsibilities: I want to take a shift or 3 for the crisis center but I do not want to be having a nice evening and *ring* - mid-makeout -> "Sorry honey, I need to go spend the next 6 hours at the hospital w/ a survivor & no, you can't come along & no, immediately afterwards I won't probably want to see you, you are too new to me & I'm not exactly in a makeout mood after such things. In fact I'm usually a lil emotionally raw & therefore do not want to expose those parts of myself to you yet because you are brand new & damnit can't a girl have some alone time when she is raw?

Maybe this is all a bigger reaction to having nothing in my control, no one's spiralingly insane health, not my ofc or my job or the "even more changes" that are coming to it, not even the fulfilling of the desire for human interaction - let alone the desire to make out w/ 1 geographically close boi in particular - that isn't to say there aren't others I want to makeout with or cuddle with or just spend time with - they are just farther away.
So yeah - Bois = frustrating.

Fuck it - I tried, I'm going to go meditate & ready myself for the nonstop madness ahead.


Be the best American you can be

Boycott these hatemongering people & businesses for giving money to support Cali's Prop 8 & denying civil rights to others and for trying to legislate their narrowminded religious beliefs onto others' bodies & lives.  Remember kiddies "If you don't like what they do with your money - don't give it to them"

Let it never be said

That I am not a big softie.  Seriously I am curled up w/ chai (hint of cayenne to warm me) - and watching last night's er.  I know that Anthony Edwards is an actor, hell I know he is Goose, he has been on interviews all this last few weeks leading up to this show.  I knew to expect him, my precious Dr Greene.  I teared up when he showed up on screen.  I heard the strains of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" in my ears despite the music on the screen.  In the episode he was actively getting chemo yet working - just like my dad did.  I'm full on crying right now.  tears flowing freely - way less to do with the kids on screen than with Dr Greene & the memory of his death on the show & how it intertwined w/ my father's death in real life.  So much the same and yet so different.  I remember watching little corners of my life & the things our family went thru being played out on screen so long ago.  So many "last years" spent together.  Apparently I am made of soft.

No more

No more Cinemark at Valley View for me.  Bastards ruining the only decent freakin theatre in the area.  


Every day

I see the world differently - in my own warped way - I know this & every day I struggle against the mindnumbing homogenized sheeple crap.  I process things thru me & they spit out different on the other side.  I like it this way.  I am a unique & special snowflake no matter what Chuck says.


38 miles per gallon

Created by The Car Connection


I am rude...

when driving - I know it - we've discussed my driving styles, speeds, and even gesticulations at length. I hold myself to the same standard I hold everyone else to - I'm not on the road to play games, I simply want to get from point A to point B as quickly and safely as possible. I do not cut u off & slow down - perhaps I cut u off, but never do I slow down or brake check u. I keep driving - usually if I cut u off it is because I am going faster than you are & you are forcing me to go around you by passing you on the right. or my favorite of late the person who veers into my lane going 50 when I am going 65 (in a 60 mph zone by the way for those of you keeping tally & I know you are out there) on a 3 lane hwy & I am in the far left lane & there is something over 10 car lengths ahead that this person intends to go incrementally faster than & eventually pass - but this doesn't change the fact that I am now in the middle lane passing this person & after signaling returning to the far left lane. This is not rocket science. I know they saw me & still decided to slowly change lanes or the persons who drive so they are taking up 2 lanes - bloody hell - how is that any shade of legal? - I digress. I am by all accounts a rude driver but I am never intentionally "playing a game" with anyone on the road.

I am never rude to anyone in the service industry. Never to the receptionist, the wait staff, the phone operator. I just thought I'd clarify that. Nothing is a bigger turnoff than going on a meet n greet w/ a guy & he treats the wait staff like garbage or tips below 15%. I just thought I'd share - written after yet another patient tried to browbeat me into manufacturing an appt for her out of thin air. I simply do not have the authority to order anyone to see a patient outside of their scheduled hours.

I'm just sayin...


So stress

Oh stress that I am under.  Liz's surgery is scheduled - still sorting travel & lodging for it.  My other current breast cancer friend is looking at chemo and radiation - 6 of the 7 lymph nodes came back positive.  it is simply not ok.  I'm home alone tonight, curled up trying to think clearly about anything & failing miserably.

I just thought I'd share - i don't particularly want to be doing anything.  I want to sleep soundly.  

I'm thinkin bath & sleep - cuddling would be nice the cats will have to do for now.  

I think the munchkin has the right idea.


Fuck yeah

Though I'm in agreement w/ DA -time to take down the Mormons - I'm pissed about Cali's Prop 8 & elated - freaking joious about Washington's Issue 1000.  Still hunting for other races I care about.  Speaking of which #6 did not pass (yay) - such a scamlicious piece of legislature.



if you don't vote don't bother talking to me.  ever.  Seriously fuck off.


Fuck me

54 people in the last 35 years.  54


Well, 55?
My baby girl - my baby sister has Carney's Triad.  the quick & dirty here.  The biopsy of her adrenal tumor showed it to be a pheochromocytoma type of paraganglioma.  rare, very rare w/ the GIST to form part of the triad - we now get to wait & see if the lung tumors show up.


If u are new & don't know or don't remember: start here & work your way forward by hitting "newer post" at the bottom for the whole long story.


Off to Toledo



So my munchkin's old middle school is full of Nazis

Well, not really, I just couldn't resist the extrapolation. Though they (yes that is the middle school the munchkin did attend - I called to double check) did recently have a "Hit the Jew Day" - what the fuck?

I don't have Nazi pics - clearly - so I went w/ the anti-children rhetoric.

Some Random Dude

Some random dude wrote a letter to the red states on Craigslist. StopAllMonsters - took it from there & I am reproducing it here because it makes me freakin smile & scream at the purpley state I live in - I suppose I should take heart that I am in a blue county & most of my beloveds are in blue states & will let me move in.

Dear Red States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States


Dear goodness

I am tired, read exhausted, work is stress right now - patients being nutsier, like a giant vise around the office getting tighter & tighter.  Between the internals of the people, the pending move, the patients being crazy about all of it, & I mean crazy - I was yelled at - YELLED AT today by 3 different patients, somehow it is my fault that I can't magically make appointments generate out of thin air.  I hate the madness & I'm going to bed early again.  


Iron Chef America tonight

Battle Cheddar Cheese - All I can think of is Chicken Cheddar Chutney Crepes from the lil crepe place by Johnny Mangos - i don't even know - since they changed management - if they still serve them.  God, they were good - just the right blend of flavors - perfectly cooked chicken breast chunks, a gingery hot mango chutney - full of chunks, heat, & sweetness, and the perfectly melted cheddar cheese inside, not too much and not too little: just right.  A little glaze of the chutney swiped across the top of the hot crepe.  I just thought I'd share.  If you know the place - go & let me know if they still make them.  If you don't - dream of it for me my minions & figure out a way to make them for me & earn my eternal gratitude.


I woke up at 0700ish - cold in here in the 50s yet - I finally ate a few mins ago - chix w/ cayenne & noodles & hot chai - my head is clearing, draining.  I want a nap - I slept poorly last night drifty in & out for about 3 hours - no dreams.  I hope someone is getting something done today - i'm not.


Yes I'm home

On another Saturday night, cuz I ain't got nobody, I've got some money cuz I just got paid, How I wish I had someone to talk to - I'm in an awful way.....

So I grabbed a book, found some pleasant music - mostly ending up w/ a repeat of "Where is my Mind" the Storm Large remake.  & drifting in & out while soaking in the tub.  I've now resumed my spot in bed, the cuddlesharks parted to let me in.  my skin is soft & smells like chamomile.  I'm trying to sort something lovely to put on the tv - THANK YOU, oh dearest one who fulfilled my wish for the first season of Pushing Daisies - I might just have throw that in.  Mmmm or I have Boarding Gate sitting here - all I remember is that Asia Argento is in it & that is hard to resist.  Either way there may be popcorn & some concoction featuring vanilla Absolut.  Mmmmm twisted pumpkin pie martini - Van. Absolut, Caramel Baileys, Kahlua, just a touch of Gold Schlager.  Mmmmmmmm.  Very Autumnal treat.  The house is around 55ish right now.  Under 50 outside.  & lovely in my bed.  


On Liz

There was a biopsy today of her incidentaloma - so far totally non-malignant tissue.  YAY!!!

I'm just sayin that I'm happy.

Urban sprawl

Seriously w/ urban sprawl these days does it exist anywhere that the landscape goes from countryside to giant city (complete w/ skyscapers) rising up in the middle of nowhere?  I'm watching the first disc of "Birds of Prey" - mostly because I didn't watch the series when it was on & the concept intrigues me.  & New Gotham rises up out of the plains & the thought crosses my lil brainpan that I want to go see a city like that - to go from nothing to everything - & I don't have that anywhere near me or anywhere I've ever been - there are always suburbs, always the growth of the density of buildings slowly as it builds up to the city center.  I'm just curious.

** Added at 22:30 - The series is harrible.  really really bad.  Dina Meyers is wonderful as always - but I hate the show.  Just thought I'd share/cut you off in case you were about to warn me about it.


South Park is in my soul

"Breast Cancer Show Ever"  aired tonight & my breasts hurt.  Just tender and hurty - I'm not sure how I feel about the new birth control pills - I'm at the end of the first month & in case you missed the update last month I'm now on the Saisonique - the special pills to make it so that I only bleed once a quarter.  Which will be intense & terrible (fair warning).  I am noticing that I'm a lil on the irritable and weepy side & my stress levels have been really nutsy lately.  & on a side note - the first week of December my ofc is moving - for realsies.  I am hoping (pretty please) that the suspension at the Solstice also comes with some luvins for me because I think by then I will need some extra love.  I could use love now.

I could use a good pair of hands to curl up w/ me & hold my breasts.  not the sexe or pinchy - just pressure - not the bra kind of pressure - but hands.  


So here's the thing

I freakin love Sons of Anarchy.  Seriously, I love it.  So far it is brilliant and fun & the Ron Perlman, & hot young stud don't hurt.  They only make it better.  & Mrs Peggy Bundy as a hardcore biker mama is fucking hot.  Performances are top-notch.  I wasn't expecting to fall for it.  But I did/do/love it.

About goddamned time

I really don't have any better words but this made me smile, I just want everyone to get better or live longer or be better educated or something. I want more.


Politically oriented rantings:

Wouldn't it be great if at the presidential debates they had to actually answer the questions asked. They would be given no time to wander off subject and the moderator or in the case of the last Town Hall style debate the questioning person were able to interrupt & task them to actually answer the question & instead of being decided by who spoke well or said things that people agreed with the debates would be scored according to who gave the most correct factual information & fully answered ever question posed to them - seriously these should almost be like an oral essay at this point. I want facts. I want to hear what they propose to do. I don't give 2 tugs of a dead dog's cock about personal jabs or bs at this point. Spouting off the "He's an Arab" or "He's a cripple" really do nothing but make me want to get you convicted of a hideous crime so you can't vote. The issues break down into some simple yes & no questions & the ones that don't - well if you don't know the difference between your platform & the guy next to you yet then heaven help us all. I know who I am voting for already.

On the same note I received a 2 page glossy full color mailing from the people against Issue 6 in Ohio last week. I personally think the Issue sucks & the idea of putting it into the Ohio State Constitution is an insult to my intelligence as well as to every citizen of the state. Do you know how hard it is to get things changed in the State Constitution? - we're not talking some simple laws here - this is serious business my friends & neighbors. Much like the BS amendment we added during the last presidential election - you know the one that destroyed all civil unions. My complaint isn't in the midst of the economic/environmental crisis that they sent this out - it is that they had a perfect opportunity to send out a copy of the actual Issue as it will be written on the ballot & make sure that EVERY voter in the state has the opportunity to read it before voting on it. Instead it was pure propaganda & fear mongering. Just like all the commercials for each side of the issue - they just bitch back & forth that there are taxes, guarantees, that there aren't - that it will create jobs, that it won't draw in $ from outside of the state - It just goes on and on. I really just needed to sit down & read it to make up my own mind & most voters should be able to do the same for themselves. I'm just pissed that they took time & money to send out propaganda when they could have just as easily sent out real valid information. or saved the money & helped a family keep their house out of foreclosure. HELL, I'd give a second look to any political organization that decided there were more important things to spend money on than fear-inducing propaganda. Call me naive but I don't believe that people should be browbeaten w/ their fears to cause them to take action.

& for the record I'm not against gambling any more than I am against prostitution or marijuana for that matter. Legalize it, sanitize it, tax the Hell out of it, & let's see if we can't make the world a better place while we are at it. If the only problem you have with those things is a personal/moral/religious one, I can't help you. I don't dig legislating your beliefs onto other people, who may or may not hold the same beliefs. In point of fact they clearly don't if they are all about what you dislike. And the idea that passing legislature that demonizes things or behaviors is any way to protect your children from "bad" influences is fucking retarded. If you want to get into something you will regardless of what your parents teach you or tell you. Some things are pretty universal: killing, stealing, raping, assaulting, menacing, driving while under the influence, Summing up to be all the things that hurt/endanger others or others' property - with extras thrown in to protect those who can't protect themselves - the young & the old. I've ranted this before - you know damned well where I stand. A little to the left of the Right, a little to the right of the Left, with a flaming sword, hunting for the next head to put on the pike outside of my theoretical castle.


Just read the details of the crime. Read them & tell me that it doesn't sound straight out of a horror movie. I'm happy the guy is dead. I'm happy that they found a way to kill him - apparently I'm a heartless bitch & I'm ok w/ that.


I don't do this often

But those republicans: one class act: go watch, wipe your glasses & watch it again - yep that happened.  How fucked up is that?



have I been up since 0500?
I'm just bleh - awake - I'm tired, like exhausted yet, I ate some eggs & am drinking chai - hot & soothing.  I'm thinking long bath - I was intending to have one last night, but I ended up skipping it.  I rocked the ginger vodka infusion (homemade) with Absolut Pear & a lil sprite last night = quite nice.  Very nice - I think for winter I need to create some ginger simple syrup & possibly grapefruit or lemon simple syrup or lemon honey mmmmmm.  I think the ginger will be delightful in hot cocoa.  Mmmmm cayenne sprinkle in my chai this morning.  My innards are extra warmed.  Obi senses this & is now snuggling up to me.  She's hardly left my side since last night.  


I suck

I knew they were going to kill off Warrick, but I still cried watching Gary Dourdan die in Gil's arms.  There were random tears throughout the episode.  



Chili in crockpot, leftovers in my tummy, VapoRub on my feet - wrapped in plastic & tucked into soft huge socks - letting them soften & kill of whatever weirdness is causing them to be all dry & offputting.  I like my feet soft & clean.  Obi is circling looking to lick the VapoRub away - she likes the stuff, strange cuddleshark.  I'm going in to work at a sane hour tomorrow.  I have freshly laundered love on my bed.  I'll be adding the sub-zero rated sleeping bag open beneath me by the wknd.  Though truly I'm looking forward to having a human teddy bear for at least a night (joi).  Though on the supreme moment of joi - I just found people who not only know the definition of echolalia, but can use it in a sentence & bastardize it appropriately into a screenname.  It's like when someone sees my OKC profile & knows what the word apophenic means - roughly even.  

The munchkin was voting her absentee ballot today: I'm so proud that I almost cried.  


I'm up, I'm up

I've been up for hours - I'm not dressed yet.
I just finished eating a delicious breakfast of lightly scrambled eggs w/ bacon salt, cayenne, and finely shredded sharp cheddar.  I am nursing a mug of hot chai (spiced instead of vanilla).  My throat & head feel like they are loosening up.  I might nap later - I clocked 4 hours sleep.  I don't know why I woke up - I just did.  

I'm just sharing - the cats are circling me - like sharks they are, cuddlesharks.  I generally don't rock the lolcats but today is an exception - it suits my mood.  I love how her lil claws are extended into his nose.  



That's all it takes
IF you live, you get to keep your house.


What the fuck?

Why do I have to ask that? - Read this. What the fuck is wrong w/ them - OF COURSE bring
charges against the parents. Get the kid some fucking help. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG.

On Mudslinging

I'm a voting member of the American populous & I do not watch political ads. I change the channel, I FFWD through them, I leave the room. I do not watch even the ads for the candidate that I like. I just don't. I'd say that I watch the news, but I don't. I use the internet to keep up on things because it allows me instant access to the facts. One guy smears the other: I can go look at the voting record, the transcript of the entire interview, I can jump over to the AP fact checker & see the whole story about either candidate. It really disappoints me that there must be someone out there who responds to the ads positively. We keep getting them after all. WE KEEP PAYING FOR THEM!!! Kind of like McDonalds I don't like them, I don't pay for them. Same w/ Walmart - I do the most American thing I can: I don't give them my money.

I think it would have been hilarious if either presidential or any other candidates up for election right now had offered up their campaign fund to donate to the bailout of the American middleclass - just think of how much money is changing hands right now, what if say in one of the senate races one of the candidates handed over the campaign money to save the houses of the bottom 10% earners in their state - w/ their houses in foreclosure. Americans maintaining their homes, able to move forward w/o a yoke of debt around their necks - the banks paid off. Everyone wins. of course there are those who would be against taking the charity - fine, the money goes to the next in line. & there are those in the 11% and up who would be unhappy that they just didn't qualify - well it should help the banks so there is money flowing & perhaps they get an extra year to get payments under control. That is not to say that I totally blame the companies for lending money to people who had no business borrowing or the people who had no business borrowing for doing so. I understand the motivations for both parties & hold them equally responsible & also hold the previous generation responsible for not teaching their children the ins & outs of $$$ better. & since we're on the subject I hold the education system responsible: I think $ ed should be taught completely, as well as sex ed. SERIOUSLY. Even if you only spend one semester on it in highschool there is a better chance of people understanding it better as adults if they are at least exposed to it all once. & I'm not saying that legally the candidates are even allowed to do that w/ the money - I just think it would be hilarious if they did.

OK so mudslinging - I hate it. I hate having to do fact checks to find out the validity of an ad or article.

& for the record I think it is complete bullshit to slur the names of the candidate you dislike - purposefully mispronouncing Obama or McCain's name. I've heard hundreds of variations of both names & I just think it is garbage -yes, it chaps my ass. I think I hear it most from my father's age group & above. I get it. I get the purpose, that the guy is so worthless that you can't even be bothered to get his name correct. To me it just sounds like you are an idiot. I refer to them both equally. They are both running for the same office & currently hold the same office. they are Senator Obama and Senator McCain. NOT Obamalamadingdong & McShame. I'm just letting you know I find it immature & stupid & it makes you look immature and stupid - so stop it. Grow the fuck up and deal with them as other human beings - if you have a point to make, make it. Tell me you disagree with Sen. Obama's economic plan or you disagree with Sen. McCain's ideas on healthcare. Tell me how it effects you, tell me the pros & cons as you see them effecting your life. I want to know, I want as much real information as possible. I want to make the best most informed decision that I can. I want to know all the possible consequences for my actions. As I'm writing this I realize the name thing is just a cheapshot & I guess I was raised better than that - cheapshots have no place in politics. There is too much at risk. Kind of like taking a cheapshot at the wars we are fighting = not funny, too many lives on the line. There are too many lives on the line in these elections & I think more people need to sit the fuck up, shut the fuck up, pay some fucking attention, and make informed decisions. THEN THEY NEED TO VOTE. I don't care who you vote for. Just be informed by more than a cheapshot and outright lie when you do it.


Prayers & $$$ lots of $$$

So my Rebecca was in an accident yesterday - 15 days ago their station wagon's engine blew up, they acquired a new car, She was hit yesterday in the newly acquired car, totalling it. She walked away & has been check out. She was not sited. She is alive & kicking.

This sucks. Many of you might not know her & her husband Ira but if you have been reading this long enough or ever bother to look thru the comments you know that I love them very very much.

Send love &/or $$$ - seriously.


Lame - perhaps
But I'm soooo happy that Pushing Daisies is back on tonight
I love it
It is on my wishlist (the first season)
It is just simply delightful
When was the last time you heard me say that?



Isaac is doing so well - thank you for your thoughts & love - we still need them for him but he is up to 3 lbs.  PICC line out, nasal tube out, & in a big boi shirt.

Things I don't bloody miss since last year...

Kerry's touch - I miss touch, but not his specifically & I know that emotions color that statement, but let's be real: I still blush at the thought of Adam's kisses, at the somatic memory of my hand touching David's face, I've touched hundreds of bodies since those & yet they are still burned onto my skin. Not so w/ Kerry & countless other bachelors over the years. I realized this as I drove to work this morning, shocked that I made it through last year & remembering all that was going on when Kerry walked away. I miss what I perceived as love, which I just end up chastising myself for - no point in "missing" the mountain of lies he told me. I do miss the feelings those lies elicited in me, which I'm not pleased with. Funny is that it has made things harder. I don't believe even the simplest of compliments. I use my face & eyes to smile & say thank you - but what I hear is the same as hearing "your skin is pale" or "your eyes are green" - it means nothing to me. It isn't a matter of believing the speaker. I just don't care if anyone finds me pretty. If you aren't complaining about me there is a voice in my head reminding me that for every spoken compliment there are a dozen flaws that you are just not mentioning right now. I miss his eyes sometimes, but they aren't burning before mine when I close mine. I don't wake up reaching for him in the middle of the night. I still reach for Adam even when it isn't a nightmare driving me to consciousness. Even without focusing Kerry's chest is never the pillow I'm sleeping on. I find myself sleeping on other chests, memories or desires; he just doesn't make the cut. My ears don't search for his heartbeat. From a very objective place I find this interesting. I find it interesting that I can't take a compliment to heart - which of course is companioned by the fact that I cannot take a criticism to heart either. I smile & make my eyes & mouth say yes & accept things being said but it trickles off. I don't know for sure but I think this goes back to childhood: no reward so great, no punishment so severe as to make me alter myself & my current path to someone else's desires. Everything comes down to the logical worst case scenarios I ask myself can I live with it? & if I can then I do whatever I want. If I can't I hatefully alter things. But a man can learn to tolerate damned near anything. I got that from a man writing about a man writing about a man who shoved mice up his bum for $20 a mouse. I'm vindictive & I hold a grudge. You, dearest readers, might have sorted this out by now. & despite my mother's best efforts to tell me "what good does it do?!? carrying this around inside of you?!?!" It is still there, not the great bag of rage that I used to haul around. Instead a very precise white-hot hatred. So anyway, I don't miss Kerry's touch.

Shallow friends - I feel like I'm back on the right path, finding the artists & poets again at least the people w/ poetic souls that they are willing to bare with me. I've bitched & moaned before about finding myself surrounded by people that I barely know. I couldn't tell you if they had siblings, where they were from originally, what their life was for. I've come back around to growing what I feel are good albeit distant relationships with people that are willing to get deep with me. That isn't to say I only want deep subject matter: Jules or Sarah & I can carry on for a good 10 mins about certain tv shows & their character development & story arch for the season & I know that has nothing to do with the real world, but I also know we can talk to eachother about those little niggling thoughts in the back of our heads anytime or spend hours hip deep in political discussion.

A job that sucks my soul out of my ear - I am happy at my current job. Well as happy as I can be at a place holder gig that is designed to get them to pay for me to get to where I want to be. Even on the worst most stressful days (and I know there are far more to come) it is still better than having my ass handed to me by patients & administration alike.

Being in a kind of monogamous relationship - I think it will be a while before I do that again - if ever. I think that it has little to do with others outside my head. - I literally feel most embarrassed by my thoughts that no one heard, the things I felt that no one knew about. I dig stability. But I'm not interested in monogamous stability right now. Fuck that. Fuck giving one person the power & interdependence to fuck up my whole world. The bachelor hunt continues until I am sated & it takes a lot more than a skinny inhibited guy full of his own fears & lies to sate me. I'd love to say it wasn't worth it. But the relationship exposed a lot of things I didn't know about myself until I got there. I needed it to happen.

Ha a Memely from Froggy

Cause I'm bored & thought It would be fun
1. Who was your first prom date?
I never went to prom. Had to go to AfterProm though - thanks mom.
2. Do you still talk to your first love?
Yep but he's dead so he doesn't exactly talk back.
3. What was your first alcoholic drink?
Sips of beer from relatives (bleccchh)
4. What was your first job?
Video store clerk - working for my parents
5. What was your first car?
All mine was a 1985 Chevy Cavalier
6. Who was the first person to text you today?
Some random internet guy sending my a chain note while I was at work - b-bye lame-O
7. Who is the first person you thought of this morning?
my coworker who had called last night because she was calling off sick today
8. Who was your first grade teacher?
Sr Rosalie & guess what I did become a witch
#9 omitted because I couldn't find it
10. Who was your first best friend, and are you still friends with him/her?
See #2.
11. What was your first sport played?
Soccer. I didn't suck
12. Where was your first sleepover?
Molly's house???
13. Who was the first person you talked to today?
a patient on the phone
14. Whose wedding were you in the first time?
Julieanne's I was a bride's maid
15. What was the first thing you did this morning?
Hit the alarm
16. What was the first concert you ever went to?
I honestly don't remember
17. What was your first tattoo or piercing?
Crapass ear piercings at Claire's
18. What was the first foreign country you went to?
19. What was your first run-in with the law?
2 days after my 18th birthday = speeding ticket, he tagged me at 76 in a 55 - I was going 95 in the 55 when he stopped to clock me
20. When was your first detention?
7th grade
21. What was the first state you lived in?
22. Who was the first person to break your heart?
Michael Ziegler
23. Who was your first roommate?
Melanie - can't remember her last name
24. Where did you go on your first limo ride?



walked on fire last night.  Literally.  It was not mind-blowing, it was not the be it & end all of my inner demons.  I'm at home w/ my demons.  I think the thing is that I never thought that walking on fire was something that I couldn't do.  There was the usual run through of events (walking on glass, bending rebar with pressure from the throat, breaking light arrows with the throat).  I'm a little ambivalent.  I loved that I did it w/ Rebecca & Ira.  I wouldn't have ti any other way.  & officially: Kerry & Kate, Parker, Chris & Brenda (AT A MINIMUM) should all come out here & do it next year - since it is an annual event.  Only $25 and you get a tshirt.  & of course the opportunity to walk on fire/hot coals.  I loved the energy of the event.  It was nice.  again not the end of the world, nor the beginning of a new world - unless of course you consider that every moment is a new beginning.  & yes the fire was real, & yes the coals were hot, & no it didn't hurt, it was perfectly fine, & yes I'd do it again & again & again & again.


I love my mother

For every traumatic story she told us about not sticking your arm or leg out of the car window because it would be torn off. About not playing w/ toys out the car windows because we would lose whatever was out the windows & whatever was attached to it. I have my limbs intact because mom put terrifying images into my head. Wish this kid's mom had done the same.