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8.12.10

Lucky in my mouth


Seriously, I am sitting here - watching Hell's Kitchen, the challenge is to combine 2 cuisines to create a fusion dish. As I watched the chefs struggle, misunderstand the options, the ingredients, the flavor profiles... I realized how lucky I am. I eat & by golly I've eaten well. All fat jokes aside. I recognize Spanish from Thai from Italian from Mexican from Greek, etc... I am sooo lucky to know so many wonderful flavors. Course last weekend's Vietnamese (Minh Anh's Lemongrass Chicken...drool) Friday followed by on Saturday jerk chicken & coconut rice & then the Greek yogurt w/ fresh raspberries & thin coconut cookies. YUM. I'm happy & so very happy I have wonderful friends to share it with. Soon there will be a new kitchen & space to play w/ homemade sourdough bread & all the winter slow cooker delights. I miss roasting off chickens to eat off of all week...

Sooo umm thanks.

15.11.10

Note:


I promise I will never seek to invalidate your experiences.
I may see an angle that you don't or see where someone's intentions were not what came across.
I may offer insights.
I will NEVER seek to tell you that what you experienced is invalidated by my experiences or by time.
If I purposefully hurt you, I do not expect you to be kind to me afterwards, I do not expect forgiveness, I do not expect you to magickally let go of it after I've walked away & moved on. I do not expect you to trust me on ANY level.
If you purposefully hurt me, I will distrust you, I will actively seek to keep you as far away from me & mine as I can. I will not hold my tongue about your past behavior. I will speak out, I will not pretend you were born yesterday & have never hurt anyone in your past.
If I see you manipulate & hurt people I care about - I will not treat you with kindness.
If I am seen as behaving in the same manner I expect nothing less than the same treatment.

Tonight I found out that the ex-boifriend's psycho ex-wife has been reading my blog. 1 word: CREEPY. Very Very Creepy. Wow, just wow, it has never dawned on me to want to read her writings. I don't want to. I have actively had nothing to do with her until she showed up at my house unannounced, uninvited, Labor Day weekend. I did find out she had trepidation about coming & tried to come w/ another couple, HOWEVER, she never tried in any way to have meaningful contact with me. The only way that anything could have been made easier for either of us. As I've never demonstrated to be a violent person, never demonstrated to scream a few inches from the face of the person I am upset with - I find it interesting that she felt that wasn't possible. Back to the blog reading. Eww, I was informed that writing about my experiences, processing them, in this forum was upsetting to her. She claimed that my writing is upsetting to my ex. If he reads more than whatever she points out to him, if he is hurt & wants to live in a world where talking to her makes him feel better than addressing it with me - I want nothing to do with it. That would be a huge part of why the relationship was so toxic.

Tonight for the first time & after much prodding she admitted that what she did was inappropriate. I am still processing it & will be writing as I do. This was also the first time she didn't call me magnanimous. That made me happy.


If you don't like it or are taking my writing personally - stop reading. - I don't force the people I have in mind when I do write to the living, to read it, Jase, Wes, feel free to chime in on that one as you are usually the peeps I have in mind. For all others, this is not for you. This is for me & the people that I care about, continuing to read my writing for some strange ammunition, for more of my "hurtful hidden messages meant just for you", etc... Is officially discouraged. I don't do the LJ privacy stuff because I don't care who reads as a general point. However that revelation from tonight is increasingly disturbing. To track my blog long after we stop having any association with eachother I am finding more stalker/creepy as time goes by.

3.11.10

In this moment


Tonight I came home, showered, fell almost asleep. The door became locked & I was txted to let the boi in. We left for dinner @ the Diner. Shepherd's Pie - the first of the season was deeelicious - still too much mushrooms for me but then it always inspires me to make it from scratch without them. I like some of the earthy notes they lend to a dish like that - I wonder if I could use powdered mushrooms for the same effect...
We attended the Makers Alliance mtg. I saved the tears for when I got home. The idea is not yet the institution but is still growing into the dream.
On the way home we hit a pharmacy. Eye drops (gel rewetting drops - freakin awesome), Airborne - cuz I am out & the Very Berry turned out to be tasty, & a thumb brace for the MCP (MetaCarpalPhalengeal) joint. It has been really bothering me since I restarted on the Vit D.

Right now I am curled under 3 comforters, over an electric blanket, w/ both cats tucked in, I am fed, comfy& happy.

Just thought I'd share - I have more pending as usual - least lately - but for this minute, happy.

26.10.10

I dig...


Snakes & bats. I dig the aesthetic of spiders, I dig webs and actual big spiders. I dislike lil spiders scaring me. I dislike getting bitten by spiders. Or snakes for that matter. I really really love bats, I dunno where this is going, but I thought I would put those down.

19.10.10

Ahhh me oh my...



"Don't treat me like I am something that happened to you."

A few lies, I really dislike the trend of lying to smooth things over, lying to make everything ok, lying to ease their own discomfort regardless of the crap they cause others. I realize all too late that I have such complacency in my life. I want to burn it out. I want to expose myself to things that will make me grow & force me to reshape myself into more. Or less.

"Be authentic to your dreams. Be authentic to your own idea about yourself. Grind away at your own minds and bodies until you become your own invention. Be Mad Scientists"


18.10.10

RIP Benoit Mandelbrot


"A cloud is made of billows upon billows upon billows that look like clouds. As you come closer to a cloud you don't get something smooth, but irregularities at a smaller scale."

Sad to know he is gone, so grateful for all that he gave.

12.10.10

11.9.10

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


So happy & excited. Plotting & loving. Can I tell you the most ridiculous moment, I was asked by the boifriend to go to his stepsister's wedding. Like a real grrlfriend, I of course countered w/ inviting him to the wedding I will be attending in October. It is kind of silly to feel so happy about seeing someone unafraid to become a part of my life.

I wondered as I woke up this morning if the last boi's problem wasn't being so horribly maltreated by his previous relationships. He trusted & let at least one of them get close to him & she ripped his heart out, ate it, & spat it back at him. He chose to lick it up & decided that this was perfectly fine by him. I'm shocked that I looked at the situation & decided it was fucked up just hearing about it. I brushed off everyone (& oh how most of those everyones turned out to be lying, selfish, manipulative creatures) who told me to get involved. When He invited me into his life I chose to partake. Sadly or luckily I was in a pretty fucked up place myself most of last year. I wonder if I hadn't allowed myself to be treated as a second class creature by a "man who loves me" if I would appreciate now being so loved in a different, more honest and open manner. I love the communication - I love that I can say, "hey, this is really bothering me" & hear, "hey, this is really bothering me". And not have to fret over touching an already broken ego.

9.9.10

On old...


I spent the day @ work, putting out fires & praying that things improve. I am in love w/ my body. Another year has brought so many changes. I want my feet soft again, tough but soft. My elbows need nightly care & i love to have them rubbed, sooo good the sensation. I am in love w/my mind. I love the labyrinthine passages I've been traveling lately. I'll be listening to Only Revolutions all the way through soon - I wonder if Mark's voice will leave me in tears. I am in love w/ my emotions - the release & free flowing is stunning to my core lately. I am in love w/ my friends. I would not have survived this year w/o you. Every moment you remind me of the good parts. So much love.

It has been a good year, I've grown & learned. The list of learned will come later - I'm sure.

8.9.10

Thought of my day:


The enemy of my enemy may be my friend.
The friend of my enemy is always my enemy.

"Somehow" the psycho ex-wife of my ex-boifriend (our last interaction - if you don't count her stomping on my foot as she walked past me @ another event) decided it was in her best interests to show up at party being held where I live on Monday. Apparently I'm the only one who had a problem with it. No one invited her but no one asked her to leave.
Hurt, yes.

Perhaps this is another exercise w/ the "Jessica is always only black & white" I'll buy that. No one else around me has the problems with her that I do. Then again they have never been the focus/target of her paranoid delusions either. I have no interest in allowing her access to myself or my possessions. I do not want her poisoning my cats. This would be the survivor in me taking control.

After a wonderful weekend - which I'll discuss later, this was just an awful homecoming. Statements have been made & she has been warned. The next time she'll be asked to leave & if she refuses she will be escorted away by police & I will secure a protective order against her.

3.9.10

Safe


I'm awake @ the earliest dredges of HHVII - I have heated water for tea & so that coffee will be faster if anyone wants any as they come through later. My body is doing a cramp/bleed totally randomly - possibly stress related. Work is officially a source of stress for being just work, not horrific conditions, I am now actually doing real work all day. The projects & responsibilities are piling up & at least my 2 direct managers support me & understand that I am ask a lot of questions well above my paygrade but I have a good brain & can see through things.

I am continuing to sort the Dendritic Belles. It is a lil harder as work has ramped up , I have stronger and stronger urges to not do anything all the time. It is being balanced - my head is not as focused at different times. I feel fine right now on 2.5 hours sleep but zone @ work a lot during the day - still zombie-like doing my job but spacing inside. I needs to look to that.

Anyway - this is just a "Good morning - I'm alive - yay!" & Liz put "That Crazy Game of Poker" in my head & I cannot get it out...

1.9.10

I'm movin again


Migraine earlier today - nipped in the bud nicely.
Strange dreams - so much coming out of me.
I think party next weekend for my birthday. I deserve it.

30.8.10

Complicated, Polyamorous...

I am complicated: A loving, hateful, kind, harsh, open-minded, judgemental (capable of judging & applying those judgement calls to my life), hyper-analytical, ruled by emotions & instincts, yay me. I am also not capable of simple relationships these days. My last real relationship, can we call it that? - it certainly went on for a while but when a boi can't even tell you my eye color - really? - no. Bloody hells no, add in a psychotic wife/ex-wife and you have me playing punching bag for their emotional bullshit on top of the hard places my life was going through. & in all honesty her punching bag. I became the focus of her bad wiring. I feel bad for the next girl he gets involved with, whoever she may be, unless the anti-psychotic meds have been administered appropriately. I digress, I really feel a font of horrible sounding truths about her that I have kept silent on for a long time, I know I took a few too many attacks from her in silence. Regardless I am complicated. And I am officially in a complicated relationship with someone. I like it - we've been working on it for a while I guess, we spend time & communicate & it feels good. No haze or "if we don't talk about it, it doesn't exist", he doesn't hesitate to tell me what he is thinking, affectionate without fear. I am happy about it. I was happy before we said "yes" officially.

25.8.10

Random


Ok so based on the premise (that I do not attempt to legislate): abortion is wrong & assisted suicide is wrong & morning after pills are wrong. Is it wrong to have wild unprotected sex after you find out you are dying, say 3 months to live, knowing that any disease or child that may come as a result of it won't come to fruition before you die? AND more importantly does it make a difference if you are male or female?

23.8.10

I'm up & running


On another blog & on the Facebook & setting up the Etsy. I am happy & plugging away at it - I think I just became too sick of waiting for EVERYTHING to be finished.

The official name I am selling under is Dendritic Belles - sort of suiting both myself & the pieces.

So much happiness as things are coming together.

17.8.10

Plots within plots within plots


I am sorting through it all & I will have Etsy & blog up within a week. Oh the seriousness of my existence. I want to continue making money at the necklaces. Full disclosure soon. I'm joi.
"Will you make me some magic with your own two hands?
Can you build an emerald city with these grains of sand?
Can you give me something I can take home?
I can do that."

5.8.10

Dreams


I actually dreamt this morning. It was a return to a place I've been only in dreams. In the dream I was trying to escape, as the building was about to be destroyed but I kept getting further in trying to save others. With every step further in it was being revealed that we just needed to leave, to stop trying to fight & get out. It was a government conspiracy to destroy a building full of families & young people - my friends some I recognized, some I haven't met yet. Of course there was a boi & it was "Mr Man of My Dreams" - same dude I've been dreaming of for years - still haven't met IRL. Part of the reason I was there was because he was on his way back to us & then I was supposed to leave with him. He was our collective ride/trying to get help for all of us. The rest of me was realizing that even if he brought the promised help they were going to kill everyone there & destroy the building. As I woke up I was railing over that fact & trying to get people to leave with me - the only way out was into the water. At one point they were looking online & it was being revealed that we weren't "supposed" to be getting out. There was no place for us to go. I remember arguing about whether we could make a difference fighting as they rolled in tanks: survive & witness & keep fighting or stay & die, martyr to a cause no one knew existed.

Moral is that just because I see the truth I cannot make others see it. & just because I know they need the information if they won't take it from me then they are responsible for their own lives or lack thereof. I need to let go of the guilt.

Much better now, thank you.


3.8.10

ack tired...


Things are moving w/the hackerspace, I am happy. The new space tonight, I somehow want to have the right temp for me to relax & get into it. Instead I feel overheated & gross. I am blurgy, I spent the day on the phone w/ Medicare trying desperately to sort out verification of coverage for patients.

On the insane side I saw one of my old old coworkers, I loved seeing her, her daughter was having her hair done by the woman about to do my hair. My hair is lovely & we managed to catch up on all the goods. I forgot how much I loved the people at that job.

I had a long listen w/ a friend who jumped off of the wagon & is in the process of swinging himself back onto it. It was good to hear truth from him. I'm worried but not freakin out about him. There is a part of me that believes that I've done my very best to give him the options that I know for his situations & to support him, but I cannot make him follow the path I want him on. I know that.

The trees - Plasti-Dipping the bottoms of the roots seems to be the trick to letting them retain flexibility & not scratch surfaces. I think that I need to do 2 coats on the sharpest bits. I'm refinishing the copperwire w/pale blue/green glassbeads necklace that I finished last night, needed to shorten it & re Plasti-Dip it. Cure tonight & set to wear to work tomorrow. The commissioned piece I sold to a coworker has already landed another commission on my desk. I am pleased. I am utterly joious. I am not budgeting $$$ into my life from this stuff, but I am starting to make a bit of $$$ for the $$$ I've spent on supplies. I just want enough to pay for hackerspace proper membership & possibly fund a "getting-my-life-back-in-order-right-goddamned-now" savings account. I would love to have enough socked away to survive alone. I would love to go back to surviving alone. Granted people have become center stage in my world again. BUT I miss my independence.

Following this note - it is kinda messed up but my time w/ the boi are my most independent feeling times lately. Not in control of him sensation or "teaching/showing" sensation. Just free & stable & balanced on my own feet. Back to BNL lately on the revolving playlists, i'm sure rounding the corner back to Buffett, but you'll have that when I crave the lyrics of my life.

"Anything plain can be lovely, anything loved can be lost
Maybe I lost my direction, what if our love is the cost?
Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost
What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time?
What if I nursed this infection? Maybe the worst is behind "

2.8.10

Necklaces - 2 of the commissioned pieces




I loves them soo much, I need to get pics of the other piece, red wire w/ pink glass beads, reminds me of cherry blossoms. Etsy store will be up & running within the month.

1.8.10

Peaceful


This weekend has been all about stumbling from point A to point B & somehow avoiding pain as best I can. I LOVE the fact that I am thinking at work more than before. However, I hate that my hands are mostly tied as I try to fix things. the stress has added to the pain. Most of my workdays this week I have been at 5/10 pain all day. 7/10 when arriving & leaving, it has been a lot of pain, I do no t like pain.

Last night I headed to the dungeon for voting on the bylaws & enjoying the party. It was a wonderful night of stories & touch & discussions from D/s theory to business ethics. I love that the soundtrack hasn't changed in 15 years - still a lil Lords of Acid, lil KMFDM, cries of pain & pleasure. I think I want to throw together some new playlists, heavier on the Enigma & VAST - also not new, but not the same old either.

I feel like I really needed that, I arrived at home, took meds, watched some "Masters of Horror" & curled up to sleep. It was really really nice, I haven't felt that kind of fulfillment in a while now, the social aspect. Last Thursday night I slept over w/ the boi. We'd spent the evening watching "Despicable Me" followed by dinner w/ mutual friend. I loved the movie. I loved the time w/ friends. At his place we took care of chores & settled in to "Pushing Daisies" - followed by curling up to sleep. It was very very satisfying. It felt really good - not the whole - I'm soo in love w/ him & I love sleeping in his arms. But the I felt safe & cared for by the man next to me. He sees me at least a part of me & after going unnoticed & unknown by a partner for so long it is almost overwhelming at moments to be cared for. In May I experienced a similar sensation piled into my bed w/ friends. I was more than just an interesting red head to them. I love my friends.

28.7.10

Well well well


after several false starts I have updates:
I. I am working @ the same place, sched shifted putting me in from 0800-1630
A. I am doing much more work & have many more responsibilities.
B. Of course, the compensation does not equal the responsibility.
II. I've been seeing a boi
A. The relationship has no intention of heading to marriage, long life together, etc...
1. Currently described as
a. "Everything but"
b. "least insignificant significant other"
B. Regardless he is a delight & I am really enjoying this interesting start to what promises to
be a lifetime friendship.
C. I LOVE PDAs, AFFECTIONS IN GENERAL.
1. DO NOT let me accept anything less than that in the future.
a. I do not understand how I survived this year being a "secret"
i. totally my bad, I allowed it to happen, but it is like awakening from a dream.
D. I must comment that his most recent ex girlfriend has become a friend
1. Seriously after that whole psycho ex-wife to contend with, I am a touch gunshy
2. She is even wonderful knowing I do not want to sleep with her
a. I really think that was half of the psycho's issue: rejection.
III. I am selling necklaces
A. so far so good, commissioned pieces, the buyers are happy
B. I am desperately trying to get inventory together, but I keep selling off pieces as I finish.
1. I've had an offer to carry my pieces at a gallery/shop on consignment, I want to send some
over but I have to make them first.
IV. I still love my household
A. Everyone is growing & becoming & I love that too.
V. The cuddlesharks are wonderful & loving.
VI. Emotionally:
A. I am right on the verge of almost too frantic, like I'm in a hurry to get things done,
I rush & rush until life's no fun,
All I really gotta do is live & die,
But I'm in a hurry & don't know why
B. If you are singing right now - know that
1. I love you
2. we need to spend time in the moonlight
a. w/ some whiskey & sweet potato pie, shut my mouth.
C. I am sad when I have cause & happy when I need, I wait for no man's pleasure.
1. Yeah, it feels good to be centered & focused again.
2. The compass in my head has not found North yet but it will.
D. I really really really miss my biological family. Like seriously
E. I miss my extended friends old & new like crazy - i want you all piled in my bed for a nap.
VII. Physically - I'm worried
A. I need to see the doc soon I am waaaay overdue for a checkup
1. my breasts are tender, worrisome lumps, fingers crossed against mammograms
a. let me just skip straight to the ultrasound, please.
B. med costs are a concern & GOD BLESS CANADA.
VIII. Spiritually
A. I am craving ritual
B. craving community
C. I haven't decided what to do about that
1. the last people I joined in prayer have since decided to take a liar's word over mine.
a. there is no holding against them, but I prefer as much truth as possible
IX. I have random rants & epiphanies in the wings, just not done yet.

16.6.10

Please


Can this week be less mixed up?
1 moved desk @ work - now very isolated from the coworkers doing my job = sucks
1a rumors of good things happening moving me forward @ work
2 assisted a friend go into an inpatient psych program that the friend is afraid of
2a less worry now that I know that friend is safe from hurting self
3 sore achey body from assisting friend move
3a friend is almost all moved = Joi!
4 I am exhausted & sore & just a wreck
4a I am alive, thank God I'm alive.
5 I miss my dad tween Fatherless Day & his birthday this week I just miss him
5a there is no upside to that one, sorry
Wants: rest & peace & to be held for a good long time - please leave me notes & we'll set up times & dates & locations.

7.6.10

Loving life



No, stop rubbing your candy-coated monkey paws together, LOVING LIFE - not love life. My life is full of love though none happening in my bed. My past giving birth to my present is ridiculously full of joi. Prospective partners for both play & love - even the original Matthewkitty (sp? I think I only ever heard it pronounced) has shown back up - as only 2 people who read this know who I'm talking about - my giggles all alone will suffice. My toes curl w/ the joi of touch & cuddles lately.

I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the joi of surrounding myself w/ trustworthy folks. Speaking of the old, I know they are trustworthy - the new are still proving themselves & after the RR crowd - they have a long ways to go to do that.

On a sidenote David is home & I should sort to see him soon -eeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

28.5.10

Lesson #45


DO NOT ASSOCIATE W/ PEOPLE WHO SPEND THEIR TIME ON DIFFERENTIATING THEMSELVES FROM EVERYONE WHILE PROCLAIMING RADICAL ACCEPTANCE OF EVERYONE.

Wow, it took me a while to sort out this one. So I hope you appreciate the effort & pains I took in doing so. Whether it is the Catholic church forgetting basic precepts as it ostracizes based on sex or local burners bound & determined to be "private". Yep, just tossed them in the same rule of ridiculousness. Which there is a part of me that loves the cruelty of the irony of comparison. It is the same trap that so many groups fall into - as they try to prove how different they are from everyone else & they are the only people who know how to live.

Musing on this as more of Jay & Carrie's fruits come ready for harvest. If I knew 1 year ago the things I know now - things would have been very different. I was so happy, meeting so many new people, so many "good, trustworthy" people. I was a fool. I was being told lies, lots & lots of lies. The acceptance wasn't by self respecting individuals but by a mass of people moving superficially through social circles. What a difference it made once I realized it. I do not want to associate with them. The superficial mass - in a way that Cthulu has never bothered me, this mass disgusts me. Not that I will anonymously lose myself within it but that those who are a part of it have ceased to be individuals & are morphing into a blog of homogenous ooze. You've seen Slither - that is sort of the thing I have in mind. It strikes as a lot of "we're so very different in the exact same way". Each one is a bright & individual snowflake - At this point in my life snowflakes are great for throwing out of my way. The trick of this is that they don't get any deeper than that. The deep deepness of shared drug experiences, when you can talk them into it, shared work experiences; but only if they believe they are helping each other realize a great artistic vision. I found that hard to conceive & hard to swallow when I was involved but then my ideas of community are very very different & in being different, were condemned as wrong. My skin is crawling at every kindness I ever accepted now seeing the cost - the dear dear cost to myself of allowing liars near me.

I know I needed to learn this lesson. I needed this all to happen. I clearly lost my way. The stats run through my head, do I laugh more now? am I happier now than then? Resounding the answer is yes. I do laugh more now. I am happier. I love not being surrounded by people constantly playing the game: If I don't say it, it isn't real. If I just cover up this lie with another, no one will know the truth. If no one mentions the truth, we can all pretend nothing ever happened.

I love Warren Ellis, this is not new. The pretty pretty pretty words "Scally Twatcoffin" for example, such brilliant writing & concepts & ideas & ideals, like a prostitute w/ a heart of gold. I love him. BUT the thing that made me fall, wasn't the insults, wasn't even getting used to anything, it was the truth. The idea of the truth; above & beyond all other things & considerations there is the truth. There is a fine line tween saying things to hurt & saying things that need to be said. I know that I cross that line sometimes - but I'd rather cross it than spend my life avoiding it. I'd rather cross it telling a truth than avoid it with lies.

Which leads me back to #45 - I've noticed a trend of people in groups like this to subvert themselves to be like the other precious snowflakes. I say no. I hope this lesson stays with me. I hope I'm faster to get to the truth next time, to look for lies instead of trust strangers.

25.5.10

I need a home for a cat -


She is a good & sweet cat who would be perfeckt for a single cat household.
She does NOT get along w/ other cats.
She is affectionate & cuddly once you get to know her.

I'll write more on this soon - but start talking to peeps you know if you know me - I'm willing to bring her wherever a new home can be found.

No I'm not writing about Obi - she's mine til death do we part at this point - but instead Poppet. The household cat here - she is a bitch, yes, but only because she is not so great w/ other cats.
So if you want a cat she is perfekt. If you have small children or other pets - less so.

15.5.10

Who knew?


"RR Primer is officially canceled due to insufficient funds for insuring the event for three days, plus the bulk of our participants who have committed to attending won't have anything ready to prototype in time for that weekend. If both these situations change in the next month we will reschedule for mid-summer."


It is hard to stifle the laughter. This is a completely avoidable situation but alas, alak, the people running the show have carefully isolated & ostracized people like me who would have gladly gone to great lengths to create the revenue necessary to make Primer happen. As a victim of Jay & Carrie's cruel machinations - I can only hope this is just part of the bitter harvest they've sown. May their harvest be long & fruitful & may they reap every drop of what they have sown.

The funny is that their fear is the explanation given to excuse the things they did to me & others. Truth is that for all of myself & how inaccurately people read me - I sit back & let things fall to their own balance again. I don't have to try to hurt them or cause them problems. I do not have to wish them harm, or seek to harm them. They do enough harm to themselves without the sin of it on me.


12.5.10

Feels strange


So much of my old life coming back up - far more than I expected. Moving past the most recent mistake has been hard. On the upside I never have to be kind or polite to his ex the psycho again. i think that is a good phrase for her. Revised rules have been adopted:
1. never fuck crazy.
2. never fuck someone fucking someone else who is crazy - there will be blow back from the crazy one.
3. NEVER accept any excuses for lack of communication; do or do not - there is no try.
4. never ever accept a relationship with a partner who will not acknowledge you in public.
5. Still not dating guys named Mike
6. There are no 3 strikes in lying. walk at the first lie.
7. walk at the first sign of adherence to the path of least resistance.
8. If you find yourself making excuses for their behavior - write it down - edit out the names & make someone read it to you. Decide where to go from there.
9. If they don't have truly close friends, they don't know how to make & keep close friends = RUN.
10. If they have not sorted out their family at this age = RUN.
11. If they have no sense of self worth = RUN.
12. If there is no random communication of rumored desires = something is wrong.
13. If they start comparing your relationship to a chess game = RUN.

Seriously anyone who surrounds themselves with superficial disingenuous relationships is not going to make a good partner.

10.5.10

Looks like


My necklace has been a resounding success -
Imight just be selling them soon. It'd be nice to supplement my income. Keep your eyes open & wallets ready. The trees sill be mounted soon - still dunno how exactly but I will make it so. i like how in this one it looks like a spider/bug thingy. I will have better photos & details soon. Oh Etsy by so kind to me...

5.5.10

Heehee


Necklace is done - no ideas what is next, better pics soon...

27.4.10

deadlines came & went


Go read this. This is my life. Suspended animation & dealing with stuff out of my control. I'm composing an open letter that should clear up some of the drama bullshit that has been surrounding me since October. Now that Jay has admitted to his slander campaign I feel free to expose all of it - sunlight being such a great disinfectant. I hate being treated like I'm an angry ball of rage trying to hurt people. I find it amazingly freeing how people accept & encourage his choices & behavior. The excuses made for his actions. Just like any other smoke & mirror show - he's done it before & will do it again. Why? - because it works. Yet I am in the wrong because I am not letting it go & treating him like someone who won't turn on me & hurt myself & others in calculated moves to insulate himself. Or manipulate situations to his desires/designs or just advantages. I don't see the point in not talking about it. Other than that it makes things utterly disingenuous & superficial. I've never been comfy living that way.

25.4.10

Tasty


East Coast Custard's delicious Butter Pecan custard topped w/ caramel & chocolate & pecans & cherries. I'm just sayin it has made my day. I am floaty right now & on the way to sleep hopefully for the whole night through.

24.4.10

blurry pics


of my trees - I'm workin on it
I think I'm in love...
Leastwise I'm in love with me again & officially finished making excuses for the weak coward. I'm looking forward to a weekend of revelations, confrontations, & laughter at someone else's expense for a change.

31.3.10

Love letter



to Archer,
Splooge, I love you. I love your dark & twisted humor. I love the way you say wonderful things for no reason. I love laughing at those people we just shot & set on fire in the other room...
I don't want to have any of your accidents. You make me laugh out loud even in reruns.
Thank you.

30.3.10

Tired & full of angsty madness


Finished what could be the trunk of my second tree - not satisfied. Oi - feel like I am waiting on everything to drop into place. Possibly so. I just hate the consistent runaround from people - let's be honest - one person. I hate waiting for crap that I know. I hate being at the mercy of someone else's shitty self esteem. I hate having to wait for them to think they are worthy to handle situations.

Weak.

29.3.10

Can hz huge bruizez on mah legs


I do not know from whence they came.

I've tried to be gentle w/ myself this week. Oi. Tomorrow = hackerspace then home, sleep & sweet dreams await my ever easing mind.

26.3.10

Oi


Awake since 0230. I'm tired, headachey, sinusy, sore throaty, hot in my head, & cold in my limbs. Just checking in, my C5 vertebrae just popped into place & I hear the wind & rain outside. Hopefully less snow. It was slushy on the drive home last night. I'm hungry. I had Red Threat for supper last night. My housemate is finally kicking off some merchandise for sale that is starting online & will eventually have a physical storefront (color me proud beyond words). At some point I will have delicious pics of the tree up. There is a part of me that wants to do a Strange Fruit homage w/ a lil wire noose in a tree. I see the image in my head & get chills. I dunno if that makes me sick or some kind of freak. I realize 90% of my world will not get the reference. I started comparing my tree to the old psych test of "draw a tree". I'm wondering at all of the ideas that I have, of all the things I want to incorporate into it.

I'm wanting iced caramel latte when I get up today. I showered before bed - fell right under afterwards. Wes called at 0400 - threatening to come cuddle me til I fall back to sleep. $ says he'll be here soon, showing up in the middle of the night, crawling in next to me. Not tonight, most likely this weekend. He's worried. I am too. The fear of the last month has only been equivalent to the fear when I found out my rapist was stalking me again. That was long before I started writing this. I fail for words to describe how much the recent verbal assault harkens back to that period. The emotional traumas clawing back from deep inside. I saw him dead - I poked the corpse - somehow, some nights it doesn't help. I feel like I've been locked inside a trap for so long & I've finally succeeded in gnawing off my arm to get out. Now to figure out how to live without it, how to protect the damaged limb from others seeking to hurt me.

So parcel arrived - sheet sets & the Watchmen from Woody -the subtleties are not lost on me. Sleep more & stop letting people commit illegal acts. It is 0500 - I'm gonna try to catch a touch of sleep before work.

23.3.10

Still @ the hackerspace


Finished a tree. I sat & smiled & enjoyed people. I was snubbed by someone I thought was a friend. Really a sad state of affairs. Gonna have to sort that out sooner than later. I hate Schrodinger's relationship, even among friendships.

OK off to home soon for food & peace...

Time


I choose time limits for a reason. Be it the freight train or the end of the tunnel I need to know the end is coming. I need to be back in the light. When I ask for decisions or responses within a timeframe it is code for "do it or I'll do it". If I am looking for answers & taking the time to listen instead of make assumptions, it is only through great introspection that I have determined that I do not know the answers. If you choose not to answer me - I will choose for you. The worst case scenarios become the reality. They become what I will paint you with because you chose not to clarify. I've lived through horrific things. I've seen & tasted & smelled & touched horrible things. So when you refuse to respond to me I presume you are now one of those things. I'm not talking about dolphins fucking on Indian time. I'm talking about willfully knowingly agreeing to a timeframe then ignoring it as it passes. I believe the lesson we learned in January of 2009 is that I am worthwhile. I know I am worthwhile. I am unwilling to be treated like a second class friend or human being. If you want me, keep me. If you don't, there is the door. If you don't have the courage to stand beside me then I'd rather not have you in my life. I think I need to go back to surrounding myself w/ men who carry blades & know how to use them. Any Odinites left in my world?

22.3.10

Still moving


Weekend was wonderful in a lot of ways & awful in others. I need clarification before documentation because I have some horrible things to say & some shining truths that will cut.

I can't wait for the things I'm working on to come to fruition. Can't wait til the rest of the truths come out.

The storm is making things nice & clean again.

18.3.10

I think I'm in love...


Virtuoso - as brought to my attention by Warren, I want to hold his delicious brains in my hands & feel them pulse. Really pretty & the storyline has sent me twirling away.

& I found detailed instructions re: how to make a thing I fell in love w/ as a childe. My mom got one as a present from one of her patients. I'll hopefully have pics up soon. Little twisted wire tree...

Listening to Bushido @ work right now - The Prince (Machiavelli) is on deck; it had been waaay too long since I've read it.

Mmmmm delicious lil fetuses...

17.3.10

Psycho


Not even the fun Angry Psychos kind of crazy.

Found out i offended someone by not tagging them in a note I wrote on FB. I've written what, 5 notes? Ever, on there, I left off someone because out of my what, 600+ friends on there I didn't think of her???

OK fucking psychos, I'm done w/ the borderline personality, paranoid schizophrenics in the world. I want a mental health clearance that you are not going to cause me or mine harm before you can get on the bus.

People say I'm intimidating, too tall too bright, too much energy & they don't like it when the room gets heavier, the pressure builds & they feel like they maybe just got too deep.

I haven't thrown a punch in anger since pre-highschool. I've never screamed in anyone's face, trying to intimidate them.

I don't need to.

Maybe I need to avoid girls & very effeminate bois, not the gays, loves my gay husbands. But the lil girls w/ their imagined wounds & inexplicable jealousies.

There isn't a person in this world that I'd rather be right this moment. Not even ashes in the grave for a change. Which reminds me: took 5 full minutes upon waking today to sort out why I was alone. Really strange, usually a minute as I come up tops. I'd ended up on the far bed against the body pillows. I was curled around them, in dreams safely tucked in Johnny's arms. Hard to sort that he wasn't here, reached for Adam, he wasn't here either. Just took longer than usual to realize they're gone & not here. Now that the weather is here I wish you were beautiful... err umm i mean this drink is too fruitiful, I think I'm gonna be making an overnight to the graves soon. Might work to reset my internal clock, might just be a good night's sleep. I know I need it, if I keep saying it I'll get my butt in the car & get there. Or you will come pick me up & drag me there...

*** of note***
I dunno when/how I can finish the middling pieces. However I'm home & back to writing more often than not. even if it is only babbling away. Looking back it is like a lovely record of things that took a giant hit this year. I took a giant hit this year. I did some stupid things & let stupid things happen. I'm better now. I have extra cayenne in my chai, considering exactly which dark spiced rum I'm going to purchase to add to it when I drink again. Mmmmmmm rum & chai, lordie, you'd think I was dating Cevan again. I do miss sliding like a child on his latex sheets, the thought makes me giggle.

16.3.10

Is pleased...


I'm actually able to function again. A little, anyway. Feel like last night was transmuting the waters of life. The plans within plans all came clear. All it took was one line. A friend chastising me, knowing only a corner of the story, believing I was being horrible & immature. It all crystallized. It was like the moment our fate was sealed. When Adam & I knew the answer to the question she refused to give. When I fell asleep for the first time in the arms of a man. The bells rang & flames glowed & breaths were held as the universe took note of the choice made @ the turning point. In my muddering, my puddering, my inability to make decisions, to see a path, to sort a way through the underbrush. I was just handed a machete. Hell I was just handed a map, the opposing team's playbook. Sooo much of which was already in front of me. I was just too blind to put it together. The almost audible "snick" as it fell into place.

No worries folks. All will be well shortly. Now that I know what is going on for realsies, not just for guesses, instincts, and inferences.

& Jason, Woody, so we are clear when you call me bout this here lil post. No need for muscle. I feel like gravedancing in my sleep in the very near future. You should join me. I have enough energy to throw into it that we might just raise up some love. I found darkness in the heart of the sunshine, got blinded by the light of the moon.

15.3.10

I'm comin back around


& when I do there will be more posts.

In the meantime musings of my muse.

I'm not paranoid. You aren't paranoid when they are out to get you. I have photos of the people following me, I have recordings of the whispers I hear in the darkness. I see their plays 3 moves ahead. It is not my fault you cannot see it.

I'm not crazy. The voices are real. You aren't crazy as long as you question your own sanity - right? The taste of the color is real too. The pain where my heart used to be is only phantom pain. If you give me some meds I'll go away, I promise.

I'm not heartbroken. He didn't break my heart. He never really had it. I kept it hidden away. I told myself I cared, I trusted, I loved. But really how can I love when my heart is 6 feet under & locked in a coffin. When the last man who held it kept it tightly in his hand as he died.

We never really made love. I was just the piece of flesh he fucked because the woman he wanted didn't want him anymore. He never looked me in the eyes when he was inside me. Closing his eyes picturing her. I was only a momentary satisfaction that never really satisfied. He left as soon as he could after. I was a drink of water while he waited for the rain to return. He didn't love me. He mumbled it when he thought I expected to hear it. Just enough to let me believe what I wanted & not what was real. Not on purpose because he never meant to break my heart - right?

Those are pretty. I want to turn them into real lengthy poetry bits as it is I hear myself singing them into an audience w/ Aaron beside me on the violin.

20.2.10

Mardi Gras update of sorts


Not even a week into my new year - tonight I was screamed at in public. Literally a woman stood & yelled, first in my face, then as she moved further away towards the door turning to yell more & more before finally leaving. I didn't clap but a lady in the back did. I'm so happy she did, it let me breathe. I hadn't realized I was holding my breath. I thought it was done - I took a deep breath in October & moved past it - apparently I was the only one. I was calm & tried not to lose my shit. I was accused of a lot of things tonight. I "get close to people, get them to tell me their secrets, and then go out of my way to cause drama & meddle in their affairs". I am a "fucking judgemental bitch". I was in the same rant both insecure & magnanimous, I was supposed to know that Jay was a liar, in fact I'm stupid for not knowing that he lies & yet I should have trusted his lies completely after I found out. Literally the same set of sentences.

I started it all by answering her questions, that is what set her off. I didn't answer the way she wanted me to. Perhaps my style of communication or just that I thought she was asking for more than a superficial comment. I was so careful not to ask any questions because she was already showing hostility & I didn't want to egg her on. That was horrible of me & just made her continue to lose her shit all over me. I listened to what she said, nodding & acknowledging, trying to understand what she was on about. To glean what she wanted from me to calm down & stop. She didn't want to stop. She just wanted to hurt me as much as she could as long as she could & it made her crazier that I didn't let her force me into reacting.

**Laurie if you remember that last fight w/ Scott before I moved out - before I knew he'd stolen the cat. It was like that only she did not call me fat & it took place in public.

I didn't scream back. I didn't yell or raise my voice - I did laugh loudly @ the end of the night as I walked to my car & she continued yelling @ me (her storming out earlier in the evening was just for show). I couldn't resist it. That was weak - I know it was, I knew it as I did it. Felt a lil Cap'n Tightpants only bein "alright" instead of a "good man" @ the end of Shindig. I didn't call her names or flip her off - that took effort. I held my tongue thru a lot of really nasty things that this woman had been holding onto for goddess knows how long. There is a part of me that wishes I'd have known for sure this was what she had in mind - I might have skipped tonight. BUT then it would have just continued, the online attacks she's been pulling since last Saturday, and of course all the crap she's been harboring against me. Last time I physically saw her in December she was a font of compliments. Granted she'd been drinking. My hand didn't come off of the railing, I didn't trust it. Maybe I caused all of this in not lying & pretending that I feel other than as I do. I held back so many things I would have loved to say - But rationale had clearly left the building - she just wanted to keep on attacking. & yeah I know in my heart it was a lot of lashing out, a lot of unwarranted abuse coming from within her not caused by me, but it still hurt. It didn't hurt as bad as the unexpected attacks last fall. AND for a change it was all about me. She wasn't attacking others to get to me, just me. I can take it. Maybe that is the silver lining. I'm back to trusting, truly trusting maybe 25 people on the planet. And I've spent more time with other people in the last 5 months than the last 5 years combined. If I were a fraction of all she accused me of I'd be living in a cardboard box.

Sooooo, my dearest Mardi Gras gods, could I have a do-over? I want this to be let go of. I don't want this fight I can't fight because the rules are apparently: Attack Jessica constantly & allow for no perspective or discussion. No rationale only blind psychotic attacks. I still don't understand what I did to set her off a week ago. So a Mardi Gras do-over please. If I write it out I could burn up my entire supply of flash paper... Huhmmm, I know it is too late but I need to acknowledge that the begging is crossing my mind. & before the Roman collars collectively speak up, I know that forgiveness doesn't require a time of year or date or contrition for absolution. OK maybe that last bit... I know that like I breathe. I've tied it into the holiday not you, or heaven forfend the Church. This is gonna take at least a dip in a body of live water to let go of. & even then, I have that nagging in the back of my skull that I worked so hard to get over this past fall that I can't believe this really happened. Even writing this trying to make it real it feels like a bad dream.

15.2.10

Mardi Gras, finally


I'm back again @ Mardi Gras, finishing out all the old. I've confronted all that I can confront (can't be held responsible for cowards). I love the freedom tomorrow brings, the focus to finish everything undone. I needed that. I need the ritual letting go of everything that has been unresolved. I regret allowing the pain from trusting liars but I don't regret the exercise of the trust. If that makes sense - it does to me but my brain might be hearing all the inflections, filling in, speaking the tongues of the olde gods as I say it. I hate that in trusting the good in people I was hurt so badly this year. Whether it was the slandering of my name or the horrible things done by former coworkers. Strangely the slander continues, although from a new source. I've gone from slut stealing men to judgemental bitch to drama causing psycho. Damned but don't I get around. However objectively interesting I find it that anyone would waste a breath on a lie let alone lies so ridiculous about me. I can only hope that in falling for some of the manipulations I didn't cause as much pain to others as they caused me. I've faced my mistakes & forgiven myself & others all that I'm able.

When looking at how much I've lost this year it is hard to sort a sacrifice for Wednesday. I'm hoping inspiration will strike tween now & then. My heart sits in someone else's hands, my possessions sit in someone else's space, I'm living in someone else's house, so much has been given up; control, independence, stability, peace of mind, gone. I feel stripped, it'll be interesting to see what the sacrifice will be. I feel the strength of the thing - like 12 years ago, for the piercing sacrifice, just building & building. The power, the energy coming together searching for focus.

Yep I know

There are a dozen posts in half & malformed pieces - I'll post soon in the proper order but tonight I needs to speak of now.

21.1.10

FYI

Seriously - driftglass dreamt this one up & after the SCOTUS decision today I am forced to add the entire Federal gov to the DNC in the Quote:

"And just in case anyone at the DNC is listening, if the national Democratic Party ever wants a minute of my time, a joule of my energy, a dime of my money or a deibold of my vote again, the request had better arrive on my doorstep pinned to Joe Lieberman's pike-transfixed head and wrapped in an open letter from the President of these United States in which he refers to the GOP as the "flesh eating virus of democracy", Fox news as "Reich-kibble for the cognitively-impaired" and the national press as "meth-tweaked lemmings""

16.1.10

More marathoning

#6 Independence Day: Ahhhh ID4 - I clearly remember watching this at the Drive In w/ Sarah in college. Today, of course I slept through a lot of it - I cheered when Will Smith punched the alien & Data showed up but that was about it.

#7 Moonraker: funfun up for a lot of it - I do like a decent Bond film. but that was pretty much all this was to me.

#8 Close Encounters of the Third Kind: was as enjoyable as always - nothing of great significance except the reminder of how many things are more fun than Goofy Golf.

#9 The Adventures of Baron Munchausen: Joi - pure joi loves the Terry Gilliam & the Oliver Reed was fantastic. OK I have a thing for Oliver Reed, you knew that. I really enjoyed it.

#10 Short Circuit: bad jokes, worse than the audience for a change. which is more than a lil shocking - I remember watching this as a kid but I'm not a huge fan by any means.

#11 Surprise #2 WALL-E: Oi I don't care for this movie. Watching it here isn't going to change that. It just is what it is. It is starting now.

Oh Marathon XXXV


How lucky I am to be here. I'm curled up down left as usual in the pit. Comfy on my air mattress. The walk over was better this year 2ยบ to the lovely weather - since the last movie goes on at 0200 - which in Marathon time means 0400ish on Sunday morning the walk back looks to be not horrific as well.

Settling in this year there are more than a couple movies I haven't seen (shocker considering the lack of fundage for food let alone movies in the past 6 months).

#1 Terminator Salvation: I had not seen it - I liked that it followed T2 rather than acknowledging T3. I loved Christian bale though the role didn't exactly give him much to work with. I can't wait til he gets back to meaty roles. The guy from Avatar was in it (I did not know this walking into the movie) and his role was at least conflicted a bit - I dislike him less now, still not attracted to him but less dislike. Of special note - I dug Moon Bloodgood in this film. But overall it was an action flick. not a whole lot more.

#2 Moon: I admittedly do not love sam Rockwell, he pretty much WAS this movie. I dug Kevin Spacey's voice work - but then I do love him. I fell asleep thru bits & pieces, but overall not a bad movie. I dug on some of the end bits. It was interesting, I might consider sitting through it again.

#3 Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Must I explain my undying love for Douglas Adams & all things associated with him? - I enjoyed it in the Marathon atmosphere. The more I see him in it the more Martin Freeman as Arthur Dent reminds me of a very special guy in my life. I spent much of the movie missing him & blushing.

#4 Surprise #1 Bill & Ted Go To Hell: yes yes - I was up to see George Carlin @ the beginning & then slept til "God Gave Rock & Roll to you". No dreams, just sleep.

#5 Der schweigende Stern - First Spaceship on Venus: Dubbed oldie scifi film ripe for the stylins of the MST3K kids in the marathon crowd.

More later as things progress - I've put the meatballs on to slow cook & in 6-8 hours there will be hot tasty food.

12.1.10

Recurrences


Oi, my life - it is important to note that I am employed again. Soon there will be more & more of my random epiphanies from the drives to & from the new job.

So today on the way home I was musing. A recent quote reiterated by people to me my entire life - some semblance of "I never want to be on your bad side". There are 2 situations which cause that statement: 1. they have just witnessed whatever little things are in my control (usually just myself) reacting to someone/thing that has done wrong by me. or 2. Someone who is still getting to know me & they hit upon the hard part of me & they are afraid of it.

Epiphany: Every Single Person - without exception who has offered such statements in situation 2 has done so already realizing that they have done wrong by me. They have proceeded to hide whatever they did. Hoping I would never find out. When I did find out they ran - unable to face me as they are cowards & unable to face anyone or having built me up so much in their heads that they were afraid of "what I am capable of". I am usually hurt by their behavior as they extricate themselves from my life - unless their trangressions are such that they simply cannot be allowed anywhere near me.

Henceforth all people that I meet no matter the circumstance as we become friends - IF they offer the unsolicited commentary re: situ 2 they will be marked in writing most likely here - just to see if my memory is an accurate prediction of future behaviors & the type of people/reasons people say that. That I am reading Drunkards Walk might have something to do with the need for measurable results, my apophenic self needs this right now.

4.1.10

Job starts Monday


Time to sort a new direction for my life - I'm open to ideas.
I'm processing what I've survived so far. I feel a lot - no words to put to all of it yet. I'm sure I'll get there - then you will be stuck reading my ranting madness once again.