I really don't know...

I woke up today to the alarm.
Many many alarms, because I kept hitting snooze.
Finally my phone rang.
My mother.
Mom does not call me at o'dark thirty unless something is wrong.

My cousin is dead.

Josh committed suicide the night before.
I have hardly begun to process. This was unexpected, this was not predicted, this was not in the forseeable future.
It took until I was driving to work for me to even start asking questions. To ask "Was there a note?", "How did he do it?", "Who found him?", "How are his parents?", and "What is going to happen with the body?"
Josh was my older cousin on my mother's side. 3 years older. On my father's side there are a ton of cousins ranging from over 20 years older than me to 5 years younger. On my mother's side it is far less: 1 older cousin, Josh; 1 step-cousin, right about my age; 2 younger cousins the youngest 13 years younger.
I feel kinda lost right now. I keep gently weeping, haven't reached the full sobbing that is coming. I know there is not going to be a mass or big todo, if anything is done it will be done in Florida where he & his parents have been living. I also don't really know how to go about getting a handle on this right now.

I want to drink until it stops hurting for a minute, play some NWA or EazyE until the neighbors complain, then switch to Motorhead, Slayer, and Black Sabbath until my ears bleed and I can't scream anymore. I want to be driven to my favorite cemetery and weep on my favorite grave until I fall asleep to the Metallica playing in my headphones.

I want this not to be happening.