Lesson #45


Wow, it took me a while to sort out this one. So I hope you appreciate the effort & pains I took in doing so. Whether it is the Catholic church forgetting basic precepts as it ostracizes based on sex or local burners bound & determined to be "private". Yep, just tossed them in the same rule of ridiculousness. Which there is a part of me that loves the cruelty of the irony of comparison. It is the same trap that so many groups fall into - as they try to prove how different they are from everyone else & they are the only people who know how to live.

Musing on this as more of Jay & Carrie's fruits come ready for harvest. If I knew 1 year ago the things I know now - things would have been very different. I was so happy, meeting so many new people, so many "good, trustworthy" people. I was a fool. I was being told lies, lots & lots of lies. The acceptance wasn't by self respecting individuals but by a mass of people moving superficially through social circles. What a difference it made once I realized it. I do not want to associate with them. The superficial mass - in a way that Cthulu has never bothered me, this mass disgusts me. Not that I will anonymously lose myself within it but that those who are a part of it have ceased to be individuals & are morphing into a blog of homogenous ooze. You've seen Slither - that is sort of the thing I have in mind. It strikes as a lot of "we're so very different in the exact same way". Each one is a bright & individual snowflake - At this point in my life snowflakes are great for throwing out of my way. The trick of this is that they don't get any deeper than that. The deep deepness of shared drug experiences, when you can talk them into it, shared work experiences; but only if they believe they are helping each other realize a great artistic vision. I found that hard to conceive & hard to swallow when I was involved but then my ideas of community are very very different & in being different, were condemned as wrong. My skin is crawling at every kindness I ever accepted now seeing the cost - the dear dear cost to myself of allowing liars near me.

I know I needed to learn this lesson. I needed this all to happen. I clearly lost my way. The stats run through my head, do I laugh more now? am I happier now than then? Resounding the answer is yes. I do laugh more now. I am happier. I love not being surrounded by people constantly playing the game: If I don't say it, it isn't real. If I just cover up this lie with another, no one will know the truth. If no one mentions the truth, we can all pretend nothing ever happened.

I love Warren Ellis, this is not new. The pretty pretty pretty words "Scally Twatcoffin" for example, such brilliant writing & concepts & ideas & ideals, like a prostitute w/ a heart of gold. I love him. BUT the thing that made me fall, wasn't the insults, wasn't even getting used to anything, it was the truth. The idea of the truth; above & beyond all other things & considerations there is the truth. There is a fine line tween saying things to hurt & saying things that need to be said. I know that I cross that line sometimes - but I'd rather cross it than spend my life avoiding it. I'd rather cross it telling a truth than avoid it with lies.

Which leads me back to #45 - I've noticed a trend of people in groups like this to subvert themselves to be like the other precious snowflakes. I say no. I hope this lesson stays with me. I hope I'm faster to get to the truth next time, to look for lies instead of trust strangers.


I need a home for a cat -

She is a good & sweet cat who would be perfeckt for a single cat household.
She does NOT get along w/ other cats.
She is affectionate & cuddly once you get to know her.

I'll write more on this soon - but start talking to peeps you know if you know me - I'm willing to bring her wherever a new home can be found.

No I'm not writing about Obi - she's mine til death do we part at this point - but instead Poppet. The household cat here - she is a bitch, yes, but only because she is not so great w/ other cats.
So if you want a cat she is perfekt. If you have small children or other pets - less so.


Who knew?

"RR Primer is officially canceled due to insufficient funds for insuring the event for three days, plus the bulk of our participants who have committed to attending won't have anything ready to prototype in time for that weekend. If both these situations change in the next month we will reschedule for mid-summer."

It is hard to stifle the laughter. This is a completely avoidable situation but alas, alak, the people running the show have carefully isolated & ostracized people like me who would have gladly gone to great lengths to create the revenue necessary to make Primer happen. As a victim of Jay & Carrie's cruel machinations - I can only hope this is just part of the bitter harvest they've sown. May their harvest be long & fruitful & may they reap every drop of what they have sown.

The funny is that their fear is the explanation given to excuse the things they did to me & others. Truth is that for all of myself & how inaccurately people read me - I sit back & let things fall to their own balance again. I don't have to try to hurt them or cause them problems. I do not have to wish them harm, or seek to harm them. They do enough harm to themselves without the sin of it on me.


Feels strange

So much of my old life coming back up - far more than I expected. Moving past the most recent mistake has been hard. On the upside I never have to be kind or polite to his ex the psycho again. i think that is a good phrase for her. Revised rules have been adopted:
1. never fuck crazy.
2. never fuck someone fucking someone else who is crazy - there will be blow back from the crazy one.
3. NEVER accept any excuses for lack of communication; do or do not - there is no try.
4. never ever accept a relationship with a partner who will not acknowledge you in public.
5. Still not dating guys named Mike
6. There are no 3 strikes in lying. walk at the first lie.
7. walk at the first sign of adherence to the path of least resistance.
8. If you find yourself making excuses for their behavior - write it down - edit out the names & make someone read it to you. Decide where to go from there.
9. If they don't have truly close friends, they don't know how to make & keep close friends = RUN.
10. If they have not sorted out their family at this age = RUN.
11. If they have no sense of self worth = RUN.
12. If there is no random communication of rumored desires = something is wrong.
13. If they start comparing your relationship to a chess game = RUN.

Seriously anyone who surrounds themselves with superficial disingenuous relationships is not going to make a good partner.


Looks like

My necklace has been a resounding success -
Imight just be selling them soon. It'd be nice to supplement my income. Keep your eyes open & wallets ready. The trees sill be mounted soon - still dunno how exactly but I will make it so. i like how in this one it looks like a spider/bug thingy. I will have better photos & details soon. Oh Etsy by so kind to me...



Necklace is done - no ideas what is next, better pics soon...