Mardi Gras update of sorts

Not even a week into my new year - tonight I was screamed at in public. Literally a woman stood & yelled, first in my face, then as she moved further away towards the door turning to yell more & more before finally leaving. I didn't clap but a lady in the back did. I'm so happy she did, it let me breathe. I hadn't realized I was holding my breath. I thought it was done - I took a deep breath in October & moved past it - apparently I was the only one. I was calm & tried not to lose my shit. I was accused of a lot of things tonight. I "get close to people, get them to tell me their secrets, and then go out of my way to cause drama & meddle in their affairs". I am a "fucking judgemental bitch". I was in the same rant both insecure & magnanimous, I was supposed to know that Jay was a liar, in fact I'm stupid for not knowing that he lies & yet I should have trusted his lies completely after I found out. Literally the same set of sentences.

I started it all by answering her questions, that is what set her off. I didn't answer the way she wanted me to. Perhaps my style of communication or just that I thought she was asking for more than a superficial comment. I was so careful not to ask any questions because she was already showing hostility & I didn't want to egg her on. That was horrible of me & just made her continue to lose her shit all over me. I listened to what she said, nodding & acknowledging, trying to understand what she was on about. To glean what she wanted from me to calm down & stop. She didn't want to stop. She just wanted to hurt me as much as she could as long as she could & it made her crazier that I didn't let her force me into reacting.

**Laurie if you remember that last fight w/ Scott before I moved out - before I knew he'd stolen the cat. It was like that only she did not call me fat & it took place in public.

I didn't scream back. I didn't yell or raise my voice - I did laugh loudly @ the end of the night as I walked to my car & she continued yelling @ me (her storming out earlier in the evening was just for show). I couldn't resist it. That was weak - I know it was, I knew it as I did it. Felt a lil Cap'n Tightpants only bein "alright" instead of a "good man" @ the end of Shindig. I didn't call her names or flip her off - that took effort. I held my tongue thru a lot of really nasty things that this woman had been holding onto for goddess knows how long. There is a part of me that wishes I'd have known for sure this was what she had in mind - I might have skipped tonight. BUT then it would have just continued, the online attacks she's been pulling since last Saturday, and of course all the crap she's been harboring against me. Last time I physically saw her in December she was a font of compliments. Granted she'd been drinking. My hand didn't come off of the railing, I didn't trust it. Maybe I caused all of this in not lying & pretending that I feel other than as I do. I held back so many things I would have loved to say - But rationale had clearly left the building - she just wanted to keep on attacking. & yeah I know in my heart it was a lot of lashing out, a lot of unwarranted abuse coming from within her not caused by me, but it still hurt. It didn't hurt as bad as the unexpected attacks last fall. AND for a change it was all about me. She wasn't attacking others to get to me, just me. I can take it. Maybe that is the silver lining. I'm back to trusting, truly trusting maybe 25 people on the planet. And I've spent more time with other people in the last 5 months than the last 5 years combined. If I were a fraction of all she accused me of I'd be living in a cardboard box.

Sooooo, my dearest Mardi Gras gods, could I have a do-over? I want this to be let go of. I don't want this fight I can't fight because the rules are apparently: Attack Jessica constantly & allow for no perspective or discussion. No rationale only blind psychotic attacks. I still don't understand what I did to set her off a week ago. So a Mardi Gras do-over please. If I write it out I could burn up my entire supply of flash paper... Huhmmm, I know it is too late but I need to acknowledge that the begging is crossing my mind. & before the Roman collars collectively speak up, I know that forgiveness doesn't require a time of year or date or contrition for absolution. OK maybe that last bit... I know that like I breathe. I've tied it into the holiday not you, or heaven forfend the Church. This is gonna take at least a dip in a body of live water to let go of. & even then, I have that nagging in the back of my skull that I worked so hard to get over this past fall that I can't believe this really happened. Even writing this trying to make it real it feels like a bad dream.


Mardi Gras, finally

I'm back again @ Mardi Gras, finishing out all the old. I've confronted all that I can confront (can't be held responsible for cowards). I love the freedom tomorrow brings, the focus to finish everything undone. I needed that. I need the ritual letting go of everything that has been unresolved. I regret allowing the pain from trusting liars but I don't regret the exercise of the trust. If that makes sense - it does to me but my brain might be hearing all the inflections, filling in, speaking the tongues of the olde gods as I say it. I hate that in trusting the good in people I was hurt so badly this year. Whether it was the slandering of my name or the horrible things done by former coworkers. Strangely the slander continues, although from a new source. I've gone from slut stealing men to judgemental bitch to drama causing psycho. Damned but don't I get around. However objectively interesting I find it that anyone would waste a breath on a lie let alone lies so ridiculous about me. I can only hope that in falling for some of the manipulations I didn't cause as much pain to others as they caused me. I've faced my mistakes & forgiven myself & others all that I'm able.

When looking at how much I've lost this year it is hard to sort a sacrifice for Wednesday. I'm hoping inspiration will strike tween now & then. My heart sits in someone else's hands, my possessions sit in someone else's space, I'm living in someone else's house, so much has been given up; control, independence, stability, peace of mind, gone. I feel stripped, it'll be interesting to see what the sacrifice will be. I feel the strength of the thing - like 12 years ago, for the piercing sacrifice, just building & building. The power, the energy coming together searching for focus.

Yep I know

There are a dozen posts in half & malformed pieces - I'll post soon in the proper order but tonight I needs to speak of now.