sung to the tune of My Buddy...

My Hernia, My Hernia, My Hernia and me...

Can I just tell you how much I hate my hernia.  No Nexium for over 3 weeks.  the Omeprazole OTC is not so much the best, even supplemented with other antacids as needed.  I have been puking every night this week regardless of how recently before bed I ate.  I go to sleep, I wake up and hear the voice telling me to "Run!" So I run.  Eventually I get cleaned up & back to sleep. 

I'm just exhausted.



I remain untouched.  I am untouched. 
Inside, emotionally, where it counts.
I know a secret, your secret, everyone's secret.
You really don't care, not really...
I'm not upset by this
It doesn't touch me
I am a thing that exists in your world until you throw me away.
until you have used me for whatever you hoped to gain
A passing moment caught in its own death throes, too busy in your head to notice
I'm not really there with you
I'm untouched by you, on the inside

I lie awake at night thinking of you
not YOU, the being inside the body
but you, the relationship slot you are filling in my life right now
You to whom I say "I love you"
I mean it, just not nearly as deeply as you think, as you want to believe

You have been here, in my life, for a year or two, for months, weeks, days, hours
You aren't real to me yet
You'll tire and move on before that
I've been here for decades
I've slept more nights of my life atop graves than in a bed with you
I find more comfort in the dirt than in your arms

I am not numb, I feel
Just not where you can touch me
I remain untouched.  I am untouched. 



I've been alone most of the weekend, blessed alone.  A weekend of meditation, fasting, spellwork, and prayers.  So much healing in this space insulated from so much.  Tonight my housemates are home, I'm curled up watching summer premiers. 

I am so happy right this moment.  Relaxed, breathing, cuddlesharks curled around me, cold breezes through the windows, alarm set.  This is just a really peaceful happy night. 

My petri dish feels full for the first time in a long time.  My altar is clean & the scent of Dragon's Blood and Frankincense is drifting about.