I had a dream last night, TMSMOE was crying, he was pitching one of his usual fits. In the dream I witnessed his entire show: trembling lips, filling eyes as he tries to look away & change the subject but only by a degree, only enough to bring it back to his pains & hurting, trying to show his "deep emotional scars" - too soon giving way to the raw open wounds that he is nursing - every imagined slight tearing them open again as he pours just enough fresh blood onto them to make them look new, his Munchausen of the soul still hidden from his audience, he pulls them in closer begging for their trust, begging to trust, appealing to the softness, the mother, the goddess in each woman present. Mouthing words of adoration, solipsistic stories of their strength, tales of their passions he admires so desperately, much as he had often attributed stories of mine to others - he did the same to them, the questioning glances as they each sought the true owner of the tales he told. Once his audience was won he broke into his sobbing, awaiting their coos and comforts. They obliged, willingly, warmly, wanting to heal him, to let him be strong, somehow, someway. I remained watching as he feigned strength, anger, self-righteous indignation, he rose & punched the walls, kicked random objects before collapsing in tears again into their waiting arms nursing his newly won wounds. A soldier returning from a war only in his head.
I turned away, I walked away, I wanted no part, I didn't want to hear the words of others that I failed to warn them. I didn't want to be held accountable for his lies, for introducing them to his manipulations. I wanted more, I wanted a partner for my crimes and a man with whom to share a scar or 2. A man who cannot comprehend calling me loving and compassionate and worthless all in the same breath. A man whose "love" for me means more than an appreciation for a cheerleader. I was speaking this as I walked, down a path, towards the lake. It is just after sunset, I can see seaweed swirling beneath the surface as I get closer. The water almost matches Johnny's eyes, that shade of green that I used to find everywhere & now can only see in dreams. I walk along the beach until I can find a nice boulder. I swiped at the dried weeds, curling up on it, my feet dragging in the water. I finally looked across the water, I saw the fires, burning brightly, beckoning someone home. Hands on my shoulders stopped the chill I'd hardly noticed. Warm and dry on my chilled skin. My nostrils filled w/ Sandalwood and Frankincense. My feet felt more than water, hands were stroking them, cold hands, colder than the water surrounding them. I laid back into the arms of the man standing behind me, he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, rubbing his face in the stubble of hair on my head. I realized I no longer had hair, just the stubble, a bit of fuzz. He kissed me below my ears, whispering beside them, remembering I hate the sounds of breath in my ear. He started to sing, his voice throwing me back to every cold night w/ the band, every hotel bed every time Michi stole the comforter. Swirling back to my head, I realized what he was singing, I realized there was a voice joining his from below, my feet were no longer below, but cradled on a cold lap, arms around my lower legs. The songs change, I'm swaying, unhindered, but alone in movements. We just sang for hours, never tiring, hardly moving, I rested between my 2 dead bois.

I woke up laughing this morning, reaching for them, humming our songs all day. A perfect start to fall as I gather in all that I that I have sown this year.
"After all, I am all that I'm about to be
And all that I have been is no longer me
So here I stand, one grain of sand


On the Emo Defense

I am writing this fully & well aware that there may indeed be a proper term for this deflections mechanism in interpersonal relations. Much as I am sure there are other words, proper words to describe my feelings & labeling of "Schrödinger's relationship" hit the link if you needs a refresher, I think I revisit it every year for one reason or another.

First I will describe it then my epiphany regarding it.

The Emo Defense: in the course of an argument or discussion refusing to acknowledge the content of the things being communicated to you and instead simply deflecting them away constantly claiming that hearing or reading them hurts too much and you are too emotionally unstable or incapable of handling them. Then turning on the other person still ignoring the things being communicated to begin piling guilt on them based on their inability to say the things you don't want to hear in a manner which doesn't hurt you.

In the course of a relationship with someone who used this technique I was completely blindsided. I didn't realize until very recently that he did many things that hurt me on a monthly if not weekly basis during the best parts of our time together and every time I brought it up I was hamstrung by this technique. Instead of discussing things that were going on with our relationship, with me, with him, or even things going on with the outside world - we spent our time with me learning what his triggers were & trying to respect them or word things nicer or in some way communicate in a manner that did not send him flying off the handle. It never really dawned on the front of my brain that when things were complicated they were never actually dealt with, the tears and the violent outbursts all covered up the fact that my issues/emotions that he didn't like were completely pushed to the side. All so that he could lay another guilt trip on me for choosing words that tore him to pieces because he is too emotionally unstable to handle me being upset with him.

WTF my friends, WTF?

So the Emo Defense is acknowledged.


The Final Submission (haha)

in the Most Selfish Man on Earth saga:

Once again cheap shots delivered before returning to work with no regard to me or my life.

Once again expressing how much I am supposed to care about his emotions after his repeated and blatant disregard and disrespect for me.

Once again a communications ban because I responded to his threats in a manner that he did not appreciate.

Basic bullshit drama that serves zero purpose.

I am so happy that the energy sucking lil blackhole of emo-bullshit is out of my life forever. I never have to deal with it again.

Basically - happy days are here again!!!