Evil winter, Oh how I hate thee...

OK it is cold - I am searching desperately for a space heater or 2. My goal is to heat my lil space w/o getting raped too badly on the gas bill, and not give up all my heat to the outside world or to my evil upstairs neighbor. I'm just saying if you have any safe - notgonnaburnmyhousedown space heaters in storage right now that you aren't using - let me know.

I got paid by some private clients this weekend. I am not quite as $$$-terrified as I was last week.

I just got the official word from my Friday job that I might get the money they owe me sometime in the next 60 days or 6 months. Maybe.

The new business cards are ordered. Template above. I blurred out my number cause if you really want it you should already have it, or leave me a note and we can go from there.



Glimmers of hope...

My Friday office called today to let me know that I will not be receiving a check this week.

I'm not fired, hell I have patients this week, They just aren't gonna pay me anything this pay period.

My friends love me.

The brightest spot is tonight's Nip/Tuck. As they begin the surgery to cut the human ear off of the mouse that grew it and transplant it, they played "Starry Starry Night". I am sooo happy. I don't have words. I love that song. It just made me smile.


home again, again

OK, my precious finished all of her college apps. YAY!!! I am so happy. I am currently bouncing around the house trying to winterize and make plans for the next few weeks' menu all at the same time. And yet I still think the world should bow before me. Hmmmmmm let's see how it plays out. My office is bloody insane right now - and the attitudes (wow) fucking insane.

I'm not fretting...

But then I am not sleeping either. I choked down some calms forte earlier (3 hours ago). I slept for about and hour and a half. I awoke, and now I am just "up". I am watching Mythbusters and Mobsters. I am waiting for The Shield and Dexter to tape so i can watch them. I watched the end of the Flavor of Love 2 run (it was just as surreal as the first one). I just can't seem to sleep again. I am not freaking out about anything. I am not nerves girl right now. I am just lying here and not sleeping. I am in a cold apt (60ยบ ish). I am lying on a comfy mattress, covered w/ a subzero rated sleeping bag open underneath. I have an old down comforter in a casing, an old cotton/flannelly comforter, and topped with a newer down comforter (still poofy) all lying on top of me. I am cuddled down at either end of my bed (I routinely flipflop) the cat is cuddled next to me alternately beneath and above the covers, alternately purrring and sleeping. And yet I am awake. I had a lil caffiene about 12 hrs ago. BUT I AM STILL AWAKE!!! I tried meditating...dropping down a bit and clearing my brain. Felt great. But not asleep. I just thought I'd share. It is now officially too late for me to take anything pharmaceutical. I have to be at work too early tomorrow morning (less than 8 hrs from now). If you have any thoughts - let me know. I just wanna sleep.


On Only Revolutions...

I'm afraid, worried, it is like the first day of the job you've been waiting for, the wedding day. You know it will make things different. I get it, well i have an idea floating on the surface, and it is freaking me out. I want it, maybe too much. I'm worried that if it is everything I think it is, this will take a while, and at least 4 reads to do it all the justice I desire. Like going to Paris, you've always wanted to go, but there is soooo much, too much almost, and yet so satisfying when you are there, as you leave. I am journeying back in soon, all there and back again. with a pack on my back, and the tales of a dragon sleeping on twice stolen gold reverberating in my head. Maybe I'm just worried this Zahir of mine will leave me wandering the library counting hexagon rooms reading over and over again this book of structured simplicity and trying to use it to find how many rooms there are based on those numbers. You know the last time I walked into the Library of Babel the last figure I came up with had 75 digits and 125 0s following them. That was quite a lot, and I still have the reams of graph paper. I bought a new pack today, and looked up the number for the maths dept. My mouth waters as the equations spin on the edge of my vision. I don't think people will like me much aftr this. And I'm not sure I care anymore. My bed is still warmed more often by down and cat fur than warm bodies. And maybe the bed is too small to hold much else right now.


how I know Warren Ellis loves me and cares

"Be nice to me today or that evil sex clown from your dreams
who you thought no-one knew about will appear in your house
and shank you."

It just makes me feel warm and tingly and matches me this moment

So I'm counting moons again...

Last night I sat in the front row. I watched Mark read (perform the readings really) from the new book. I listened to his voice, I've loved it since the first time I put in "Don't be Scared" when I still lived at my cousin's place over 6 years ago and the first few seconds played. I remember putting it on the big stereo downstairs cause I was running about the house cleaning. His voice dropped me, stopped me, floored me to the spot, half way up the stairs, rag in hand, breathless, feckless, caught up within, caught up without, flowing somewhere else on the whisper. "I still get nightmares, in fact I get them so often I should be used to them by now...". Just those words that moment, in my life, in my world, the seconds paused extra in between just for me. I couldn't move, even if I wanted to, which I'm nt entirely sure I did, that is to say want. Want was too base a word, it was more like crave. That first scent of rum to the alcoholic 10 years on the wagon. Only I was just 5 years on the wagon as it were. I was 5 years alone. 5 years with every first waking thought trying to suss out where my Adam was and why I didn't feel him next to me. 5 years of remembering, feeling him die in my arms again everytime my freshly stunned conscious mind tried to remind me that, "yes Jessica there really is no Santa Claus, and you'll never feel him breathe again". His voice was my Adam, my Johnny, my truest love, my oldest friend, and I knew it like I knew Adams breathing at 4am over the phone sound asleep on those loong nights I couldn't sleep for being so far from him and just needing to hear it, to close my eyes clutching the phone close and feeling the tension drop, my heart, then racing to slow and resume it's languid glide towards my ribcage at his proximity.

I've met Mark before - 6 years ago. I was working all day the day the tour took him to my store. He was a brilliant sweet man, with a lovely smile, and eyes that I already found myself looking in too many moments. I met him that morning as a person off the bus, not knowing who he was, that he was "that guy". By the time I found out it was too late. He was already transformed from the creature who somehow created that piece, those words which had altered me on some base level to that bright guy who didn't flinch when I, not paying too much attention, had blurted out "Qu'est que tu veux?" for the non-francophones basically the equivalent of asking in my best ghetto slang "Whatchoo want?". He caught my eye again and just said large mocha with a smile we shared and I hid it like contraband.

I don't know how Only Revolutions is going to be for me, nor I for it, when I finally get thru it. But last night I was counting full moons again - we adopted that phrase after the Brandon Lee interview circa The Crow - when he was on about how we don't know how many full moons we have left, but that there is indeed a finite number. I realized I had travelled the distances, paid the tolls, financially, physically. And yet somehow all I could think was "this can't be the last time" I have no idea what the future holds, how many more sunsets, how many more kisses, how many more bodies, how many more moments flying down the interstate at over 90 mph, screaming Iggy Pop at the top of my lungs, cars and trucks parting like butter before a hot knife, completely safe confident, competent, and secure in my own skin and surroundings.

Friends and strangers alike, much like a childe just returned from an alien vessel, something has altered, exactly what i do not yet know. But this is going to be interesting. I've had 4 hours of sleep (really lying here and shaking for more, sleeping for less) and these are the thoughts tumbling and bumbling out of my brain. Now wretched up onto the page because the walls here are sick of listening to them. And for some reason today I do not want to be here in my box allone.

I'm home

I've driven 16 of the last 36 hours, slept about 3 hrs total in a freezing car, I saw Mark Z Danielewski (pics are coming soonish), He was unbelievably wonderful and gracious and signed my books, I fell in love with him all over again (yes that is me screeing the word "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!" - that you might have heard in the distance for the past 9 hours, I will write more later once things process...possible subject matter: "My perfect girl who is breaking my heart by not filling out her application to University of Findlay", "Sometimes when I say 'I'll kill you...', I mean I am scared and you should comfort me but I am too exhausted to explain that or come up with a creative new fun way to threaten you", and "MZD and everyday another reason why I can't settle for the simple-minded mealy-mouthed motherfuckers who hit on me all the time"

Oh my the crazy.

But we met awesome people, and Junior doesn't totally hate me (yet - he prolly isn't thinking clear enough to hate me - wait til tomorrow and the "Jessica must die" site will be in fine working order I'm sure)


Oh how I bounce...

I'm out. I leave for Madison, WI in about a half hour - cause Junior just had to commit to running tech for a production in Ashland. I have a laundry list of displeasure at the thought of how much stress all this has caused, and how unhappy I am about driving 17 of the next 36 hours. Just think happy thoughts and all will be well. After all I get to see Mark Z Danielewski... this brings me joi. I'll prolly write up something while there...but sadly the Borders we are gonna be hanging at has WiFi access for T-Mobile subscribers only - FUCK BORDERS yet again. Kinda makes me wanna kick them in the nads.


Ok, show me a woman who doesn't want to be in the middle

Seriously. Damned, they are just hot together, apart, in stylized photograph, however. Scarlett Johansson and Dita Von Teese mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm


OK so things are coming together...

I am going to tell you the story of my last day at my ofc. The ofc I have been at for the last like 2.5 yrs. I cleaned, and collected all my stuff (ice cube tray, cereal, a pitcher, glasses and my mug). 3 of my pts were scheduled to have today as their last day. There were almost tearful goodbyes. 4 pts threatened to follow me to the other center - just to stay in my care. And 1 very special kid (16 yr old ACL repair - we've had him as a pt since his pre-op therapy) - he brought me a cake, an ice cream cake. And he didn't have any alternative motive - we thought he was just saying the night before that he was gonna bring one in as a way to talk his mom into buying one for him to eat by himself (he is a 16 yr old boi afterall). I can't wait to no longer be behind a desk all day. I love the idea that no one will be calling to yell at me on a daily basis like they have been lately. I also found out that the primary culprit for such berating behavior has been "talked to" by her superiors... so I'd hate to say "we'll see...", but it is no longer a concern for me. All I have to do is go to work and treat pts, write up notes and go home. From now on I will be getting out at 7pm in Brookpark - 5 mins further down the road than my now-old ofc.

I'm getting a handle on things, but slowly. I feel more like her today...but Mr Carrion is still close at hand.


1 bright spot

Season premier of Veronica Mars: 1 act of groin violence in the first 20 mins.


I realllly really mean it this time...

Why is everything insane?

Is the moon aligning with some far off star in the fifth house of the seventh setting sun?

Are the leaves falling up?

Has the drifting finally felled my shaking house of leaves?

Why does my inside feel like Christopher Carrion (pictured left)

What the fuck?

My Corporate job is giving me 1/2 of what I want - And I am soo happy

My non-profit gig is maybe about to go under for real owing me thousands of dollars.

All of this has happened in the last 24 hours
Oh and by the way thanks to some fantastical SNAFU w/ the bank - My rent is gonna be late and I might end up having to see the ghetto loansharks to help me out til the end of next week since the bank is so freakin f'd up.


If you have any thoughts, advice, feelings, monetary donations - feel free to contact me asap. in the meantime I will be sorting what is left of my cds and books getting ready to sell all the non-essentials off this weekend in the hopes of having enough to cover rent - shhhhhh - don't tell the utilities that they might have to wait.

And if you know anyone who could afford 1 massage a month - I'm looking to book at least 10 a month - mostly available evenings Mon-Thurs, and anytime Fri-Sun. If I can get that set up with 10 rotating clients on a monthly - It would help.

ok anything would help right now