Why do they kill everything I love...

Kitchen Sink is going away, and it is a fucking travesty. I am not pleased. I truly loved this magazine and there aren't many that I can say that about.


Let the shunning begin...

Just watch it - seriously.

Oh my god I love Nevin


Last random bachelor of the year...

Or the first of 2007?

Just had a 2 hour conversation with him. And I think I might like him, a little. Just makes me smile that there is still a guy on the planet who can get past the first 5 memorized sentences to have a conversation of depth. Still no one to kisson New Year's eve though. Sad that.

as to the Coop art - just having one of those days - thank goodness for Darvocet.



My sister is doing very well. She is not going to be on any chemo (it is a long story, but definitely for the best since the drug of choice has not been proven to actually prevent anything yet, and she has only a 40% chance of any GIST recurrence). They also mentioned that she has a growth on her adrenal gland: an incidentaloma - for real that is what the great and almighty medical community calls it. Once I found out how insignificant that is - I still can't stop laughing. She is going to see an oncologist who specializes in endocrinology. Just to be sure. Other than that she looks like a princess in her wedding dress, breathtaking. And she is eating, and she looks better, and she dropped like 2 sizes. I'm just happy she is in one piece.


10 years ago today...

Carl Sagan shuffled off this mortal coil. The world has been touched and all the better for his life. He is the kind of awe inspiring figure I thought of when I used to consider the ideals and ideas I presented to the children in my charge. I sit here excited to go homehome tomorrow to stare at the stars in the country, all the more thankful for he influences that still linger.

If you really have no idea what I am talking about get off your bum and google him and start reading.


I think I'm w/ her...

Oh yeah, definitely...


New best thing ever...

Dark chocolate covered cinnamon Altoids

I'm in love.

I must find more of them - Jules (the greatest human ever) turned me on to them after dinner (Le Oui Oui Cafe) last night.

If ANYONE finds the ginger version of this amazingly wonderful bits - LET ME KNOW.

She acquired them at Wal-Mart (I can't bring myself to go there) - I must find somewhere else to acquire them for myself.




Yes, the Christmas shopping is officially finished. The End. For this year anyway.


Nuther pic of Morrigan

How freakin precious


Fer Real...

There is nothing hotter than a man who starts his Personals ad out with "GO BUCKS", "GO BROWNS", or some other unrelated such shiite.



And now this

There are 3 bachelors in the runnings, 1 I met last wknd - quite enjoyable, I certainly liked him (not saying to marry/fuck/spend the rest of my life with, but like maybe nonetheless), Other one I ended up not being able to get together with last wknd - still waiting to reschedule prolly this week/end, and the third is a random over the phone so far which I can't say anything about 2º to the fact that his profile is magickally unavailable to look at - leads to a lot of 1 sidedness - grrrrrrr. Anyway - maybe I'll end up w/ someone to kiss on New Year's - that'd be nice, very nice. Then again - I would really just like to make out with someone I am attracted to. mmmmmm kissing. That sounds really niiice.

Liz is stable, the babies and mommies are grand.

More fey porn should be arriving this week (mmmm Laurell K Hamilton's latest Merry Gentry novel)

My work schedule has altered slightly - now 8am starts across the board.

I am breathing if only for a moment - I can't wait to get home for the holiday.

And then there is the sweet smell and taste of vanilla from cow dung - Oh Hell Yes!!!


Holy shit the ride actually stopped...

Liz's cancer is the better kind - we just got the results today.

There were 2 separate primary tumors. and neither metastasized, and everything else looks clean, and the oncologist says they got it all and she'll prolly be on chemo for the next year (oral) and should be all good.

Jesus Holy Fucking Christ

I am so fucking relieved.


Pulling into the station, the ride still moving

So home to me means safe. Not necessarily healthy, but safe. Liz was discharged today and for the first time since Thanksgiving morning she has no tubes, needles, wires attached to or in her in any way. It just felt so good to hear her at home and bitching about how cold mom keeps the house.

She is not out of the woods - we are still waiting on type and staging of the tumors, but for a second, it doesn't fill me with as much fear.


My 2 blood nieces...

How unspeakably precious are they...


And I'm and Auntie again

Chris called: Brenda had Morrigan Amethyst at about 1amish 12/1/2006.

I am so excited to meet her.


I'm an aunt again

Mandy & Reese

I can't believe she is finally here.

No significant change in Liz's condition.


Just so we are CLEAR


around the bend

Mandy is being induced tomorrow @ 6am. YAY

Reese is almost here

Liz is okish. She is holding steady – slowly dealing with it all. I am freaking out and waiting here. She is on the Dilaudid for the pain (yes the stuff that inspired the 3.5 hour heaving in me – she is totally fine w/ it).


Let me be perfectly clear


down the hill...

Liz is out of surgery


Everything looks good (her other organs etc...). They took out 1/2 her stomach. the growths were cancer. We have to wait about a week for the typing and staging of the cancer

Her options:

Stomach cancers can spread, or metastasize, in several different ways. They can grow through the wall of the stomach and eventually grow into nearby organs. They can also spread to the lymph system, including lymph vessels and lymph nodes. Lymph nodes are bean-sized structures located near many body structures to fight infections. The stomach has a very rich network of lymph vessels and nodes. If cancer spreads to the lymph nodes, the outlook for cure also gets worse. When the stomach cancer becomes more advanced, it will travel through the bloodstream and form deposits (called metastases) in organs such as the liver, lungs, and bones.

Approximately 90% to 95% of cancerous (malignant) tumors of the stomach are adenocarcinomas. The term stomach cancer, or gastric cancer, almost always refers to adenocarcinoma-type cancer of the stomach. This cancer develops from the epithelial cells that form the innermost lining of the stomach’s mucosa.

Or these:

Gastrointestinal stromal tumors (GIST): These are rare tumors that appear to develop from cells in the wall of the stomach called interstitial cells of Cajal. Some are non-cancerous (benign); others are cancerous (malignant). Although these cancers can be found anywhere in the gastrointestinal tract, the majority (70%) occur in the stomach. For further information, please see the American Cancer Society document, "Gastrointestinal Stromal Tumors (GIST)."



Slowly riding up the hill...

OK – latest words – my sister is gonna have the surgery tomorrow at 3pm. They are gonna take out half of her stomach. The surgeon in Columbus was apparently not convinced this is as “safe” a situation as everyone else seems to think. We have a few options: 1. They are little tumors (growths) that have no consequence and can easily be removed - not cancer. 2. They are benign fibroids – we don’t think so, but there you have it. 3. They could be simple cancerous and not metastasized and local to only the stomach then they will be removed and she’ll have preventative chemo by pill for a year. 4. They are the worst case scenario – malignant, metastasized, and already spread thru her lymph. In which case this is just the start of Hell.

I’m freaking a little – they have successfully made me an optimist – only I’m not really, I’m just holding it all in til we get the path reports back and we know sure what we’re dealing with.

Positive thoughts, prayers, energy, love - we won't have lab results til later tomorrow night, and the minimum surgery (w/ no complications/extensive digging) should last over 4 hours.


still on the straight away

No news right now.

Mandy = no distractions, just very tired

Liz = On the way to Columbus - via ambulance. Eric is already there mom is following.

Yep, this is me freaking out every 5 mins. And I'm 3 hours away.

Mom is fretting like crazy (you can hear it in her voice). Liz is terrified. And the voices we all hear in the back of our heads, keep saying, " You know we found dad's stage 3 colon cancer after blood showed up in his stool."

No one has given me actual sizes on the "growths" yet - so I keep picturing something larger than the head of a pin, but smaller than a centimeter - cause they keep saying "small" - it's a body, anything that doesn't beling is too big.

I only cried 3 times at work and puked once. (YAY)

(+) I HAVE A SPACE HEATER NOW!!! - It was on my doorstep when I arrived herehome on Sat night. courtesy of my little mini me.

holy wow. I still want a drink. A lot of drink. Oh, and the pain to stop - did I mention the pills aren't exactly doing their job and it started half way thru last week. So here we go again.


Back on the roller coaster


Update from mom: the mds looked again and consulted eachother about her scope and all the pics they have taken of her innards, and they are "very concerned" about the location of the larger "lesion" (formerly referred to as growth). It is the one that was bleeding and located too close to the pancreas for comfort. For those of you keeping score phrases like "stomach cancer", "pancreatic cancer" and metastasized are coming up with more frequency. Her hemoglobin is about a 9.9, and they have determined that she will not be allowed to go to Columbus by car, she now has to be taken by ambulance. Once there and they do the other scope they should be able to needle biopsy the growths/lesions/whatever they are referring to them as. Oh, and just for fun they noticed that there is a cyst on her right ovary.

Happy fucking holidays - I've already puked 2ce today. In honor of her.

A long long time ago (ok not so long ago) at my dad's last x-mas my baby sister and parents and I went to morning mass together. After mass we hung around and noticed my mom tearing up while talking to some of the other parishioners. Liz and I asked what the hell was going on, and were informed that my dad's cancer was back, and we were waiting on Fr Tony to perform the anointing of the sick on dad. We all cried. In the car on the way back Liz came up with the perfect comment: " You know being in this family is like riding a roller coaster, no matter how many times you puke they won't let you off."


"The tale of my Turkey Day", otherwise known as: "Fuck me, can't we just have one easy holiday?"


Wed night I left Cleve for Toledo to rub Brenda's tummy (wishing all my love upon little unborn Amethyst). Left there around Midnight. The fog was thick like pea soup. Solid blocks of white periodically broken up by patches of low hanging grey. I made it home by 130ish and fell asleep on the couch.

Thursday morn I woke up w/ my mom. We were going thru the 1500 pics she took while in New Mexico and the phone rang. For those of u keeping score I have a sister (Mandy) who is about to give birth to a lil girl to be named Reese. My mom scribbled something down then sd, "We'll be right there." then hung up - I sd, "Babytime?" I was told no, Liz fell a few times and is being brought to St Rita's. When we arrived and finally got to see her she gave new meaning to the term corspified. Very very pale - yes, even for us Miller girls. Her hemoglobin was down. She ended up getting 3 units of blood on T-day proper. After they started the first unit she puked. And by puking I don't mean like a little I mean a lot of blood clots (picture clots the size of serving spoons). There was a lot. They put a tube down her nose and into her stomach. They flushed out her stomach w/ water. more clots. So the clots were dark brownish old old blood. implying she wasn't currently bleeding. She fessed up to having had tarry/black stools a couple of times the previous week. For others keeping score my dad's colon cancer was found after he found blood in his stool. So take a deep breathe and put yourself in our shoes for a few mins. We were at the hospital til midnight.

Next morn the tube came out, she was scoped and she has 2 small growths in her stomach. they look like fibroids (we hope they are - that means not cancerous to those keeping score of that part at home). 1 was bleeding. They cauterized it. IF the cauterizing holds then she will be released to Columbus (OSU) for an ultrasound/scope to determine the details of getting them out. If she starts bleeding again they will do emergency surgery and have half her stomach taken out w/ the growths. And no, we won't know til they actually biopsy them whether or not they are cancerous. Cause god knows that we don't have enough of that floating around in the family.

So there you go my own pity song - I am going to have a few drinks and go to bed. After the shower to get the hospital smell off of me.

Another word about the fog

The bloody fog - pea soup does so little justice to describing it. It was a solid wall of white. I souldn't see more than 10 ft in front of my car at any given time. I drove thru it on the way home. Drove mom thru it on the way to the hospital. Drove mom home thru it after the hospital. It was terrifying. couldn't go fast - couldn't go too slow. So Thursday night there was a 15 car pile-up on I-75 tween Bluffton and Findlay. They shut down the northbound lanes. So you grok this better my homehome is 1/2 tween Ottoville and Ft Jennings Ohio. check the area out on google maps or something to get an idea how close that is to home. It is in fact on my primary route out of the area. 30E-75N-80E/90E-90E-home. I'm jsut sayin... it sucked.



(+) I had a nosebleed, and bled on my laptop case - officially making it mine, all mine on so many more levels than I can describe.

(-) One of my little pts (cancer - 3 yrs out from a mastectomy, has 3 spots now on one of her lungs, and is back in chemo and radiation) my money says if she makes it to x-mas she won't be long for this world past that.

(+) Christopher Eccleston is slated to be arriving on "Heroes" mid-season as a regular.

(-) my old friday job is now trying to intimidate myself and another therapist to stop us from remembering that we have a legal standing/interest and we have not been compensated for services rendered in good faith.

(+) I am clean - the shower was wonderful

(-) I have to go homehome this week and leave Obi here alone

(+) I get to go home this week and see my niece and my brother-in-law and rub my sister's tummy and say "hi" to Reese, my soon to be niece. And I get to see my other sister and her fiance (yay).

(-) I have to spend 6 hrs of PTO to be off on Thursday

(+) I only have to work 3 days this week.

(-) nothing even vaguely interesting on the bachelor hunt front.

(+) It's almost winter, and that is a good thing.

(-) The kittens don't really exist for me to lock Becca in a room w/ them...


Garfield's day...

Why is it I've been making that reference all day and aside from being told "you seem to have a case of the Mondays"... No one seems to get it?

Am I the only one who realizes that the cat was right - Monday the Thirteenth is always worse than Friday the Thirteenth - Unless you are talking about Saturday the Fourteenth - I have 26 stitches in my leg to prove that.

OK, done w/ that.

In other news: My sister might be due sooner than later (original due date 12/7) - we'll know more after the ultrasound tomorrow. My Brenda is due 12/5 - Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! - I'm so excited.

My precious niece turned 6 today.

My Darling dearest mini-me called her grandparents on Saturday. I was floored.

Apparently my baby sister loves me, and if anyone is mean to me she will "FUCK THEM UP!!! - Seriously she will turn their lives into a Law and Order episode" I love her so much it is ridiculous.

I took all the porny goodness off of my Amazon wishlist therefore making it family friendly for the holidays. I only want one of the heaters, and I am not saying that they have to be ordered, but the 2 listed epitomize what i am looking for in a space heater. Especially the programmable Thermostat feature.

& a pic that depicts how my life is going.


Notes from the edges...

OK, I've been crazy - I know this you know this - You (yes the 2 people who read this) have kvetched that I need to update so here goes:

1. I am no longer working or supporting in any way the Center For Integrated Therapies (CFIT). It is a looooong story and I am still pissed and feeling betrayed, so if you want more details call me.

2. $$$$$$$$$$$$ nothing is free and despite the fact that CFIT owes me serious money, the last check I received from them was not only over a month ago, but for tx performed in June. I need money. NOW. I am looking for private clients. Any assistance will be appreciated.

3. I had a dateish w/ a random bachelor last weekend. I googled him and found out he has a thing for frequenting hookers while pretending to be in committed relationships. Needless to say he is no longer eligible to date me.

4. Sleep is free, so I have been doing a lot of it.

5. I'm not sure what is next.

6. The latest ultrasound show the endometriosis is responding to tx. Therefore I get to stay on the pill. & my doc bothered to mention that it is so widespread that my only other option is a hysterectomy. Oh my.

That's all right now - so there you have it. Keep thinking happy thoughts for me - I appreciate it, and I am totally accepting $$$$ donations. Oh & a pic for fun, cause that's how I feel.


Evil winter, Oh how I hate thee...

OK it is cold - I am searching desperately for a space heater or 2. My goal is to heat my lil space w/o getting raped too badly on the gas bill, and not give up all my heat to the outside world or to my evil upstairs neighbor. I'm just saying if you have any safe - notgonnaburnmyhousedown space heaters in storage right now that you aren't using - let me know.

I got paid by some private clients this weekend. I am not quite as $$$-terrified as I was last week.

I just got the official word from my Friday job that I might get the money they owe me sometime in the next 60 days or 6 months. Maybe.

The new business cards are ordered. Template above. I blurred out my number cause if you really want it you should already have it, or leave me a note and we can go from there.



Glimmers of hope...

My Friday office called today to let me know that I will not be receiving a check this week.

I'm not fired, hell I have patients this week, They just aren't gonna pay me anything this pay period.

My friends love me.

The brightest spot is tonight's Nip/Tuck. As they begin the surgery to cut the human ear off of the mouse that grew it and transplant it, they played "Starry Starry Night". I am sooo happy. I don't have words. I love that song. It just made me smile.


home again, again

OK, my precious finished all of her college apps. YAY!!! I am so happy. I am currently bouncing around the house trying to winterize and make plans for the next few weeks' menu all at the same time. And yet I still think the world should bow before me. Hmmmmmm let's see how it plays out. My office is bloody insane right now - and the attitudes (wow) fucking insane.

I'm not fretting...

But then I am not sleeping either. I choked down some calms forte earlier (3 hours ago). I slept for about and hour and a half. I awoke, and now I am just "up". I am watching Mythbusters and Mobsters. I am waiting for The Shield and Dexter to tape so i can watch them. I watched the end of the Flavor of Love 2 run (it was just as surreal as the first one). I just can't seem to sleep again. I am not freaking out about anything. I am not nerves girl right now. I am just lying here and not sleeping. I am in a cold apt (60º ish). I am lying on a comfy mattress, covered w/ a subzero rated sleeping bag open underneath. I have an old down comforter in a casing, an old cotton/flannelly comforter, and topped with a newer down comforter (still poofy) all lying on top of me. I am cuddled down at either end of my bed (I routinely flipflop) the cat is cuddled next to me alternately beneath and above the covers, alternately purrring and sleeping. And yet I am awake. I had a lil caffiene about 12 hrs ago. BUT I AM STILL AWAKE!!! I tried meditating...dropping down a bit and clearing my brain. Felt great. But not asleep. I just thought I'd share. It is now officially too late for me to take anything pharmaceutical. I have to be at work too early tomorrow morning (less than 8 hrs from now). If you have any thoughts - let me know. I just wanna sleep.


On Only Revolutions...

I'm afraid, worried, it is like the first day of the job you've been waiting for, the wedding day. You know it will make things different. I get it, well i have an idea floating on the surface, and it is freaking me out. I want it, maybe too much. I'm worried that if it is everything I think it is, this will take a while, and at least 4 reads to do it all the justice I desire. Like going to Paris, you've always wanted to go, but there is soooo much, too much almost, and yet so satisfying when you are there, as you leave. I am journeying back in soon, all there and back again. with a pack on my back, and the tales of a dragon sleeping on twice stolen gold reverberating in my head. Maybe I'm just worried this Zahir of mine will leave me wandering the library counting hexagon rooms reading over and over again this book of structured simplicity and trying to use it to find how many rooms there are based on those numbers. You know the last time I walked into the Library of Babel the last figure I came up with had 75 digits and 125 0s following them. That was quite a lot, and I still have the reams of graph paper. I bought a new pack today, and looked up the number for the maths dept. My mouth waters as the equations spin on the edge of my vision. I don't think people will like me much aftr this. And I'm not sure I care anymore. My bed is still warmed more often by down and cat fur than warm bodies. And maybe the bed is too small to hold much else right now.


how I know Warren Ellis loves me and cares

"Be nice to me today or that evil sex clown from your dreams
who you thought no-one knew about will appear in your house
and shank you."

It just makes me feel warm and tingly and matches me this moment

So I'm counting moons again...

Last night I sat in the front row. I watched Mark read (perform the readings really) from the new book. I listened to his voice, I've loved it since the first time I put in "Don't be Scared" when I still lived at my cousin's place over 6 years ago and the first few seconds played. I remember putting it on the big stereo downstairs cause I was running about the house cleaning. His voice dropped me, stopped me, floored me to the spot, half way up the stairs, rag in hand, breathless, feckless, caught up within, caught up without, flowing somewhere else on the whisper. "I still get nightmares, in fact I get them so often I should be used to them by now...". Just those words that moment, in my life, in my world, the seconds paused extra in between just for me. I couldn't move, even if I wanted to, which I'm nt entirely sure I did, that is to say want. Want was too base a word, it was more like crave. That first scent of rum to the alcoholic 10 years on the wagon. Only I was just 5 years on the wagon as it were. I was 5 years alone. 5 years with every first waking thought trying to suss out where my Adam was and why I didn't feel him next to me. 5 years of remembering, feeling him die in my arms again everytime my freshly stunned conscious mind tried to remind me that, "yes Jessica there really is no Santa Claus, and you'll never feel him breathe again". His voice was my Adam, my Johnny, my truest love, my oldest friend, and I knew it like I knew Adams breathing at 4am over the phone sound asleep on those loong nights I couldn't sleep for being so far from him and just needing to hear it, to close my eyes clutching the phone close and feeling the tension drop, my heart, then racing to slow and resume it's languid glide towards my ribcage at his proximity.

I've met Mark before - 6 years ago. I was working all day the day the tour took him to my store. He was a brilliant sweet man, with a lovely smile, and eyes that I already found myself looking in too many moments. I met him that morning as a person off the bus, not knowing who he was, that he was "that guy". By the time I found out it was too late. He was already transformed from the creature who somehow created that piece, those words which had altered me on some base level to that bright guy who didn't flinch when I, not paying too much attention, had blurted out "Qu'est que tu veux?" for the non-francophones basically the equivalent of asking in my best ghetto slang "Whatchoo want?". He caught my eye again and just said large mocha with a smile we shared and I hid it like contraband.

I don't know how Only Revolutions is going to be for me, nor I for it, when I finally get thru it. But last night I was counting full moons again - we adopted that phrase after the Brandon Lee interview circa The Crow - when he was on about how we don't know how many full moons we have left, but that there is indeed a finite number. I realized I had travelled the distances, paid the tolls, financially, physically. And yet somehow all I could think was "this can't be the last time" I have no idea what the future holds, how many more sunsets, how many more kisses, how many more bodies, how many more moments flying down the interstate at over 90 mph, screaming Iggy Pop at the top of my lungs, cars and trucks parting like butter before a hot knife, completely safe confident, competent, and secure in my own skin and surroundings.

Friends and strangers alike, much like a childe just returned from an alien vessel, something has altered, exactly what i do not yet know. But this is going to be interesting. I've had 4 hours of sleep (really lying here and shaking for more, sleeping for less) and these are the thoughts tumbling and bumbling out of my brain. Now wretched up onto the page because the walls here are sick of listening to them. And for some reason today I do not want to be here in my box allone.

I'm home

I've driven 16 of the last 36 hours, slept about 3 hrs total in a freezing car, I saw Mark Z Danielewski (pics are coming soonish), He was unbelievably wonderful and gracious and signed my books, I fell in love with him all over again (yes that is me screeing the word "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!" - that you might have heard in the distance for the past 9 hours, I will write more later once things process...possible subject matter: "My perfect girl who is breaking my heart by not filling out her application to University of Findlay", "Sometimes when I say 'I'll kill you...', I mean I am scared and you should comfort me but I am too exhausted to explain that or come up with a creative new fun way to threaten you", and "MZD and everyday another reason why I can't settle for the simple-minded mealy-mouthed motherfuckers who hit on me all the time"

Oh my the crazy.

But we met awesome people, and Junior doesn't totally hate me (yet - he prolly isn't thinking clear enough to hate me - wait til tomorrow and the "Jessica must die" site will be in fine working order I'm sure)


Oh how I bounce...

I'm out. I leave for Madison, WI in about a half hour - cause Junior just had to commit to running tech for a production in Ashland. I have a laundry list of displeasure at the thought of how much stress all this has caused, and how unhappy I am about driving 17 of the next 36 hours. Just think happy thoughts and all will be well. After all I get to see Mark Z Danielewski... this brings me joi. I'll prolly write up something while there...but sadly the Borders we are gonna be hanging at has WiFi access for T-Mobile subscribers only - FUCK BORDERS yet again. Kinda makes me wanna kick them in the nads.


Ok, show me a woman who doesn't want to be in the middle

Seriously. Damned, they are just hot together, apart, in stylized photograph, however. Scarlett Johansson and Dita Von Teese mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm


OK so things are coming together...

I am going to tell you the story of my last day at my ofc. The ofc I have been at for the last like 2.5 yrs. I cleaned, and collected all my stuff (ice cube tray, cereal, a pitcher, glasses and my mug). 3 of my pts were scheduled to have today as their last day. There were almost tearful goodbyes. 4 pts threatened to follow me to the other center - just to stay in my care. And 1 very special kid (16 yr old ACL repair - we've had him as a pt since his pre-op therapy) - he brought me a cake, an ice cream cake. And he didn't have any alternative motive - we thought he was just saying the night before that he was gonna bring one in as a way to talk his mom into buying one for him to eat by himself (he is a 16 yr old boi afterall). I can't wait to no longer be behind a desk all day. I love the idea that no one will be calling to yell at me on a daily basis like they have been lately. I also found out that the primary culprit for such berating behavior has been "talked to" by her superiors... so I'd hate to say "we'll see...", but it is no longer a concern for me. All I have to do is go to work and treat pts, write up notes and go home. From now on I will be getting out at 7pm in Brookpark - 5 mins further down the road than my now-old ofc.

I'm getting a handle on things, but slowly. I feel more like her today...but Mr Carrion is still close at hand.


1 bright spot

Season premier of Veronica Mars: 1 act of groin violence in the first 20 mins.


I realllly really mean it this time...

Why is everything insane?

Is the moon aligning with some far off star in the fifth house of the seventh setting sun?

Are the leaves falling up?

Has the drifting finally felled my shaking house of leaves?

Why does my inside feel like Christopher Carrion (pictured left)

What the fuck?

My Corporate job is giving me 1/2 of what I want - And I am soo happy

My non-profit gig is maybe about to go under for real owing me thousands of dollars.

All of this has happened in the last 24 hours
Oh and by the way thanks to some fantastical SNAFU w/ the bank - My rent is gonna be late and I might end up having to see the ghetto loansharks to help me out til the end of next week since the bank is so freakin f'd up.


If you have any thoughts, advice, feelings, monetary donations - feel free to contact me asap. in the meantime I will be sorting what is left of my cds and books getting ready to sell all the non-essentials off this weekend in the hopes of having enough to cover rent - shhhhhh - don't tell the utilities that they might have to wait.

And if you know anyone who could afford 1 massage a month - I'm looking to book at least 10 a month - mostly available evenings Mon-Thurs, and anytime Fri-Sun. If I can get that set up with 10 rotating clients on a monthly - It would help.

ok anything would help right now


I heart flypaper

I don't know what it is about the cleaning I've been doing - maybe having the doors open too much - maybe my upstairs neighbor is evil and sent them to me. I don't know. I have had flies, big black - not the fruit variety flies buzzing about my apt. The only smells are the ones of disinfectant. Only for the last week or so - w/ ample food available by eating off the cat's food and litterbox they have survived. Today i picked up some flypaper - I hung it in my living room - I had spied 2 flies in here earlier - and within not even 30 mins - it had caught 3 flies. I moved it to the kichen (by the catfood) and it caught 2 more in less than 10 mins - I just hung it in the bathroom (near the litterbox) - and we'll see - so far the other rooms look flyfree. I am soooo happy. No chemicals, little mess, and no more flies - ahhhh. I just thought I'd share this is the best thing that has happened all day. Seriously - that flypaper did it's very limited job and actually worked - is the BEST thing that has happened so far.

And yes, Toby - after midnight I will be watching the wonderful Dr Who and enjoying it officially tomorrow - cause today was so bad I don't want the good Dr associated with it.

Mini Me...

There she is, the perfect "me" from 10 yrs ago, only now. She will be 18 in 36 days... And I can't wait to see where this takes us. She is one of my best friends, my faux daughter, my false niece, my real second cousin, and one of the lights of my life. She is why I get up many mornings, and the last happy thought in my brain as I fall asleep. I love her you see. Oodles, noodles, noodles, noodles, and lots. Having her in my life is like someone plucked a star out of the heavens, wrapped it in tissue paper, and put it in St Louis, yesyes a million miles away from me. So she has the added bonus of escaping my hand everytime I want to bash at her for her rude lil mouth or actions. But she loses out on my cooking of glop. Eh, her loss.



God/ess, please, Let my crazy crazy mood shifts be because of the birth control pills. I am on "the Pill" - for real, me, on the pill. This is of course in a (again goddess grant me) not-so vain attempt to control the apparently rampant endometriosis in my innards. This is the step before going in and cutting out the cells - yay surgery. So anyway - back to the story - last week: My very first week on the pale blue pills I spent being angry. I mean ANGRY, full of rage, not funny rage.... But really real hardcore, I'm about to tear this motherfucker up and no one is gonna stop me rage. I was soooo angry at everything, not traffic cause they were in my way angry, but FUCK YOU ALL, I'LL KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND. I took lots of deep breathes, LOTS of meditation. And I made it. This week - on the dark blue pills, I am crying, at everything: commercials, Nip/Tuck, OZ, patients' stories, pictures in my apt, how much I love my family and friends, my cat, loneliness, frustration....everything. I hate it. I hate not being in better control of things. I hope this will all turn out to be worth it. And everything is good. I'm gonna grad a box of tissues, and get ready for er. Good or not I'll be crying tonight. Just bare with me as my body adjusts. Or get ready to buy me flowers for after the surgery. - though I will prolly prefer Starbucks Caramel Cappucino Ice Cream (mmmmmm Caramelly)


Fuck the cable company

In the eye. I got cable (YIPPPPPPEEEEEEE!!!!) I was so happy. Everything was beautiful. I was setting up the programs I wanted to record. I was enjoying programs I normally couldn't watch. Shiny.

Until less than 36 hrs after the install the DVR decided to no longer work properly. Since this device doubles as the overall converter I was annoyed, but then, this might be a common problem, and listed in a troubleshooting guide somewhere. The materials they gave me were chock full of self configuration models so clearly this should be something they would provide materials to address. NOPE. no dice. I tried unplugging everything, resetting it, powering up according to their instructions. No dice. I checked online for support (funny the internet connection (also cable) still working perfectly) - there is none, not really. The is FAQs, there is online chat for internet problems/support (which is bloody retarded if your internet connection is the problem). And it took 5 mins to get a phone number to call to talk to tech support. I called it. 20 mins on hold later it disconnected me. I tried again: 27 mins on hold later it disconnected me. I'm in the midst of trying a 3rd time. and I am 10 mins into the hold time. By the time I do talk to a rep I will prolly be a little foaming at the mouth ready to kill. & mostly that is brought on my the little hold muzak from hell and the fact that every 30 secs or so a little voice cuts in and says things like "thank you for holding a representative will be with you soon" and "thank you for holding, we are lookign forward to talking to you soon, please hold the line and we will be right with you" and "Thank you for holding the next available operator will be speaking to you shortly, this call may be recorded for train purposes". And each time these little voices (all different - 2 different chicks and a guy) come on the line - it blanks for a sec, like someone is picking up.


At 18 mins into the hold time a very nice young lady named Amy picked up. I explained the situation. I explained the hold times and being disconnected. I was kind and polite. She tried to suss out what had happened. She tried to help, and sent some signals to the box (so apparently I was still showing up on their grid (which she couldn't seem to get that I understood the difference tween showing up and a reading on their end saying I was disconnected)). She had me unplug the box for 10 mins and then (without her on the line of course) plug it back in and see if it reboots. She couldn't understand when I tried to tell her that having a technician come out to fix it this week was damned near pointless 2º to the fact that I am at work the whenever appts are available. So I have a guy scheduled to come out on Monday morning - I am hoping maybe I could leave work really quick and come home and deal w/ it and go back to work. or I'm gonna have to RS to Tuesday afternoon - or I'm gonna start stalking the guys where they hang out at the park not even a 5 mins walk from my house - I see the vans there every day. She also apologized like a dozen times for the experience. Then it clicked - she had to be like the only operator there all alone. She had to have seen the hold times and disconnected me by hand each time. I did the same thing when I worked at an ans service, when the times were too long and I knew the caller would be pissed if you disconnected them they would call back in and you could answer them right away and blame it on the system. Hell yes I'm calling in to complain on Monday morning. Hell yes they are getting a good raking over the white hot coals of my rage. And now my 10 mins are up - time to try again. She actually tried to tell me that the DVR is "like a computer - you have to give it time to reboot" - no shit Sherlock, ya think? I just the thought the hard drive in there was for show.



"Let's be real - you're pushing thirty..."

Uh huh - guess who had the balls to say that to me? - the "I'm gonna be 18 in 53 days" lil wench who happens to be 574.06 miles away right now and so she is safe starting statements like that. She thinks she will not provoke me into beating her ass. That just because we happen to be related it will somehow save her from being sent out into the cold to cut herself a switch, and then beaten with it. Just because she is young and my favorite of her generation and we have a strange mother-daughter like relationship - it will stay my hand - she is wrong and one of these nights I will sneak out to her house (a mere 9hrs 10mins away) and scare the hell out of her. Maybe I'll just jump out screaming "STABBYSTABBYSTABBYSTABBYFUCKINGSTABBY STABBYSTABBYSTABBY FUCKING STABBY!!!"

OK I feel better. Just plotting her demise (really ways to scare her and make her scream) makes me feeeeeeeel better.

PS She was justifying why she will never have kids - "cause she is just like me, and hell I'm almost thirty and no kids or hubby..."

birthday pt 1

Apparently I am a pretty pretty princess mean drunk. At least my friends now have photographic proof.


Best moment today...

I am watching the Simpsons season premiere. It is a Fat Tony episode so lots of mob-luv. Not only is there Metallica, but when Fat Tony is driving the kids in a carpool, they played some Alabama 3 (A3 in the US) "Woke up this Morning". I am in bliss. Joi of all jois.


They say

It's my birthday. I've been around now for almost 30 years - more musings later after the booze. On the other hand yesterday would have been my parents' 33rd wedding anniversary. 33 years. My father died about a week and a half before their 30th anniversary. Mom sounds good. It is just one of those days. It was hard not to remember them together. Not that I haven't seen my mom alone in the last 3 years, but in my head they are inseperable. They were like 2 teenagers in love, going steady right up until he died. I guess I'm trying to express that I'm not as young as I used to be, and if I am lucky enough to find myself in a relationship like my parents' relationship - I will be truly blessed. Conversely I really think I sleep alone most night because I am still looking for that, and nothing else will suffice. I had strange dreams last night about the guy I was seeing last summer, and a guy I knew in highschool. Very strange. Not luveydovey dreams - just complicated - cause mine always are.

On that note we (large mass of my wonderful friends) will be at Johnny Mangos tonight for a b-day celebration/luv for me. I am so pleased everyone in my crazed world - well at least some of them - can meet. And a random bachelor has decided to drop by. Dunno how that is going to go, but he insisted. I warned him that I prolly wouldn't be looking for him, or have any extra time to spend w/ him since I really want to see and spend time with my friends. Right now I am cleaning and just feeling the love and getting lost in the memories. Last year it was Tim, Laurie, Jared, Jeff, Shawn in Paia, Maui, Hawaii at a bar down the block from Laurie's place, and shots of Patron. This year should be interesting. I'll be the one in the flowery girlie shirt.


So, he's dead...

Steve Irwin has finally died. And it couldn't be more tragic, more of a freak accident. He got stung by a stingray. Couldn't be a snakebite, shark bite, head smashed while wrestling a croc... Nope, couldn't even just be the poison from the stingray coarsing thru his veins. The barb pierced his heart. PIERCED HIS HEART. Whether the blade be poisoned or not getting stabbed in the heart usually does one in for good. The news is making it waaay more sensational than it should be. A great man is dead. He worked his whole life in the names of environmentalism and conservation of our natural resources, not just the cuddly ones. Although he always brought the laughter, I feel far more gratitude and respect for him. My heart breaks for his remaining wife and 2 children. The only consolation I can find is that he lived as he died, fearless, educating, and moving ever forward.


Lookee who found her camera -

It's gonna take me a while to get the hang of it again - in the meantime there is more Henna after 24 hrs on my left palm. And I am including a pic of Obi - my cat. She is properly named Oberon - I didn't name her. She is also known as Obi-Wan-Kitty, and Uber-Bitch. I heart her a great deal. Off I am to homehome for the weekend - and my lil sister's super-secret(but she knows all about it)surprise-Animal-House-themed-mock-wedding/engagement-party. YAY!!! I can't wait.


Beautiful Baubles for a Cause

Speaking of helping out causes: I thought I’d take the opportunity to tell about my friend Chris (one of the most wonderful, fanstastically talented people I know). He is doing (and has been for a few years now) a line of jewelry for Planned Parenthood of Greater Cleveland. I threw these pics up as examples – hit them to link to the site. He is also listed as “Beautiful Baubles” on the side – that is not going anywhere. And the link to Planned Parenthood’s shopping page is listed as “Beautiful Baubles for a Cause” – that isn’t going anywhere either. This is not me turning into a hardcore activist (anymore than I have been). But since we’re talking about Reproductive rights anyway…

HOWTO Screw Some Evangelist Maggots Right In The Wallet

This is the single most brilliant thing I have heard all day. I picked up a bunch of anti-choice propaganda = all about knowing your enemy and defeating the self-righteous lot of them. & of course a free copy of Narnia (YAY - Narnia!!!) $97 + shipping - i hope it hurts.

I can't fully even express the joi. The drawing expresses it best.

Jhayne Holmes says this:

What with the Washington State Supreme Court handing down its anti-gay-marriage decision several weeks ago and the ever-hearing more about attacks on reproductive rights down south, I’m feeling that the States is tripping a bit too merrily down the Handmaid’s path.

This week, I found a way to strike back.

Focus on the Family, the horrid anti-gay evangelical church based in Colorado Springs that wields too much power for anyone’s good, has a store on their website that will give you books, CDs, and DVDs absolutely free of charge. Usually people pay for their items by donation, raising millions of dollars to help Focus on the Family produce more hate-propaganda featuring “experts” on homosexuality who claim it’s a curable “sickness”. (They’re practically defined by their book A Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality. Course, there’s no mention of having less kids, which is the only proven method. No, no, you shouldn’t use birth control, that would be wrong. They need more worshippers, how dare you prevent god’s will.)

It’s a little bit time-consuming, but not enough to deter me. (Nor should it you). The chance to take money out of their pockets is too useful, not to mention satisfying.

Here’s how to do it in 10 steps:

1. Go to and look for the “Resources” link in the blue bar on the left-hand side, right above the “Search” box, and click it.

2. Under the “Resource Category” menu on the left-hand side, you’ll notice categories such as “Homosexuality” under “Resource Category.” Me, I went straight to the CD’s and DVD’s under “Resource Format.”

3. Go through, find something you like, such as the recently released movie, The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe or The Chronicles of Narnia Radio Theatre Complete Set, suggested donation US $79.00, or the three disc Les Miserables soundtrack. It’s not a very wide range of products, but there’s bound to be something either you like or you could use as a sweet gift for someone else. Click the “Add to Card” button.

They won’t send more than $100 worth of materials for free in any given shopping trip, so be sure to go through a few times, until you’re sure you’ve dinged them.

4. Select “Add New Shipping Address,” decide to send it yourself or someone else, and once you’re done picking up to $100, click “Proceed to Checkout.” Some people have been sending items to themselves to sell later on eBay, some have been ordering the more controversial items as conversation pieces or educational props, (as anti-anti-propaganda), but I plan on using mine as gifts, mostly. I’ve found no reports on receiving Focus on the Family junk mail after inputting an address, so I figure it’s fairly safe.

5. The next screen asks you to sign-up for an account and give your information. Fill it out with fictitious information, enter whatever name and address you like. You might want to make up a phone number too and an e-mail account too. After filling out all the required fields, click “Proceed to Checkout” one more time.

6. This will take you to the “Here is Your Cart” page. You may have to re-enter your data again after this part to actually confirm your account. Eventually, you’ll get to the “How Much Would You Like to Donate?” page.

7. Select “Enter other total amount” and enter 0.00 as the amount you would like to pay. (Don’t put in a dollar sign or it will ask you for credit-card information.) Don’t be fooled by the field in the lower-right-hand corner that shows you the suggested donation amounts, simply Proceed to Checkout.

8. The next screen is a guilt screen, to make you feel bad about how little you donated. ignore it. Ignore it utterly. Think of how many people they’re persecuting and had in their “gay kids can be cured” camps. Just proceed to checkout again.

9. Click “Checkout Now.”

10. Finally, pass this information on to all your friends. They’ve got money to back them, we have word of mouth, let’s see if we can win.

******** SPECIAL NOTICE*********

They have altered the site slightly. After placing your each order, it will try to block you from placing subsequent orders. They accomplish this thru the use of cookies.

Go into your browser's user preferences and trudge thru the cookies present and delete all from It is not nearly as complicated as it sounds, and can be done quickly. Then of course go back to taking their money. I'm getting bunches of the Narnia DVDs and selling them off to Record Exchange and anywhere else who will pay and giving the money to the local AIDS taskforce and Planned Parenthood and PFLAG and other organizations to support the communities of the people that Focus on Family continues to preach hatred and intolerance towards.


More Henna

24 hours later.


Note for Erica

He really is a robot. I hope you appreciate this. I did and thought of you and smiled.

Henna update

Ok I did my palm earlier today - I took it off rather quickly 2º to wanting to allow it to fade quickly - so I can A. do another design quickly. B. not be too obvious at work.
I managed to get the lines finer w/ the cone, and am still perfecting the technique. I can't wait til I can get back to the fineline designs. sooo pretty.

WooHoo OR update

ok one in the car so far. Thanks Junior. Still looking for more takers - to split gas and more for the trip in October - contact me for details. I've given up coming up w/ any reason not to just go on to see again in Madison - I mean it is only a hop/skip from Chicago. And that's still how I feel.







it is finally here, FINALLY. The closest the tour comes is Chicago in the middle of the week 10/11/2006. I am going if I have to drive myself alone. wow. WOW. This has made my day.
Enjoy the Coop.