The Inch of Difference

Oh here I am

2009-11-05T02:13:00.002-05:00

Up in the middle of the night - waiting for sleep that seems to have lost my number.
On the upside I have a job interview for an LMT position next Tues morning - however it will be indie contracted & not solid. & C has hooked me up w/ possible seasonal work on the eastside. & I'm still meeting w/ the owner of the Salon around the corner for wknd indie contracted relaxation work there. I need $$$.

Obi is doing well, fat & purrlicious as usual. DiFranco has lost a lot of weight, kinda lookin a lil skin & bones. I can't get him to eat the NutriCal - I'm worried a bit, but he is acting like normal- just looks all crazed because of the BioSpot oiliness on his neck yet.

In trying to patch my wall tonight - my housemate caused some sparks from the electric. It is out, we are fine - it is just a much bigger job to sort out than we thought. And yes - it kinda freaks me out.

I'm chillin in bed - hoping for rest soon, I swear my sleep schedule is completely screwy again - I'm up & then I'm down then i'm up again & the phone is jammed in next to my pillow so I won't miss a call as I doze during the day. This is still my best time of night. No caffeine, NONE. Which makes it stranger. oi.

Happy Devil's Night

2009-10-30T23:40:00.002-04:00

On this night I remember the details of Brandon Lee's death, where I was, how I found out. The circumstances surrounding my first viewing of the film. It is New Year's Eve on soooo many levels. I love it. I had it on tonight as I was sewing the costume for one of my housemates - she is going to be an eel - my meager sewing skills brought forth a barely fitting strapped frock - which is kinda cool considering it was a satiny material & I couldn't find my good shears to cut it with & have no pins to pin & couldn't find my tape to measure. I had the opportunity to do the zombie makeup for a friend of mine - it was cool all Thompsonesque - I did a temple wound - I love doing that.

On the flip I slid into The Crow the deeper issues, the things that cannot be forgiven & all the bits & pieces that O'Barr's work struck in me. They still strike. I'm like a giant bell & he strikes just right to leave me ringing for days. My thoughts feel thready, I'm to bed.

O freakin K

2009-10-27T04:49:00.003-04:00

Best moment of the night - I just got to my room AND I just turned on the recording of Castle from tonight. And our blessed Nathan Fillion is putting on... ... ... Oh hells yes!!! a "space cowboy" costume. Yeppers, it is our beloved Capt'n Tightpants in everything but the browncoat - the coat had a hint of red to it but that can be forgiven. Oh how I love that man. AND I love Firefly. AND I love Halloween. AND fantastic Frank Miller comic book details. AND using a Dremel to carve a pumpkin in the shape of Max Shreck. AND acting like a proper father to his tv daughter. JOI - tonight's episode has made watching Castle totally worth every moment. Seriously it only gets better - I am not erasing this til it airs again & then only to rerecord it.

Tonight the other best moments included possibly ending drama & strife in my life involving someone I love. Oh how this could end some of the relationship mindfuckery if everyone is agreeable. The email has been sent - we'll see how this plays out & I might just have to scream it feels so good to make things be less stressful.

Tonight there was also resolution to another issue that has been weighing on my mind & heart. Maybe I should rename this post "An Ode to the Jois of Open Communication" I feel like air for a moment. I know this is a moment. & this moment will pass. There are so many other things weighin me down right now. i feel like tattooing sensation into the somatic memory of people so they understand what I mean by Open communication & what i mean by immediately sharing information & ideas & feelings. I firmly attribute these things to be the cause of Obi coming up & headbutting me before curling up purring in my arms tween the keyboard & I. Truly I am euphoric about finally having some semblance of control over something - myself.

No headache or any other pain. Hot damned.

Am ok for now

2009-10-25T00:27:00.002-04:00

Pain has passed & I am regaining my usual energy & verve. I am fully throwing myself into this new game called "Life" - though I do like that my car isn't full of lil plastic knobs. Only my bed (haha) - seriously I'm continuing the jobhunt & lawyerhunt though I've been able to get my hands on some interesting paperwork & find out a few interesting things about the people who have caused the last 2 months to be so horrific.

I am currently snuggled in at the House - not the Haus - there can only ever be one Haus & that is in Toledo. Ahhh even as I write this I realize that I could just write FTS - I'm snuggled in @ the FTS Compound errr... maybe commune. Watching bad movies... Red Sonja currently - making me smile & feel less terrible about not being able to do more.

Snuggles & cuddles from this touch starved grrl.

Updates:

2009-10-19T01:16:00.003-04:00

Trying to catch up on some of the events.

Decompression - good & good for me. All except for the sleeping outside in a tent in that weather - A wonderful "more than a friend" {oh, the jois of avoiding definitions til further notice - I'm not complaining, I am joi} joined me so it wasn't as cold as it could have been.

Zombieland - was a brilliant movie, truly I recommend it w/ no precautions. It was seen w/ crazy urban family & i hearted it.

My patient's funeral - was really good & appropriate. It was good to have my feet on sacred ground. I thinks that I need to spend some time in Carey, OH @ the shrine or at least an old stone Catholic church soon. I crave the energy. I need to feel the cold seeping into my bones.

Georges - was here from Glasgow & I loved having him. I enjoyed his visit as well as his physical presence - I'm just perpetually touch starved these days. Sad sending him home.

Sarah & Franco - reconnecting face to face after years - it was soooo good to lay eyes & hands on them.

Metallica - freakin 3rd row seats - It was AMAZING. Like just picture me channelling the end of the "Snakes & Barrells" episode of Metalocalypse. I love their music so much & the vibe @ their show was fantastic.

That brings us to today.

I have my plan of attack for the week mapped out & I am heading into it full force. I'm shaking but shouting. Screaming a lot of "Psycho Killer" lately. Qu'est-ce que c'est?

Update

2009-10-11T21:00:00.003-04:00

My patient has passed, yes, that one, I'm dealing with it now. Thank you for anything you sent - prayers, energy, light, love. It was a good death surrounded by loved ones. She was younger than my father. I can't put into words right now how precious she is in my heart. She showed me a light I had forgotten in the last 7 months working with her. I have greatly & deeply benefitted from having her in my life. I am grateful.

I wonder if she'll find the answer to the Crash Test Dummies question for God, a query that caused him to shuffle his feet, when she got to heaven. - the tenses are on purpose, I believe there is no time wherever she is now.

I was hoping that this would wait...

2009-10-10T11:28:00.002-04:00

until later in the presidency - you know until it was actually warranted- until he had actually caused peace somewhere in the world.

BUT - I can't resist this:

What the fuck people?

2009-10-09T01:50:00.003-04:00

On Nov. 1, a law in Oklahoma will go into effect that will collect personal details about every single abortion performed in the state and post them on a public website. Implementing the measure will "cost $281,285 the first year and $256,285 each subsequent year." Here are the first eight questions that women will have to reveal:

1. Date of abortion
2. County in which abortion performed
3. Age of mother
4. Marital status of mother
(married, divorced, separated, widowed, or never married)
5. Race of mother
6. Years of education of mother
(specify highest year completed)
7. State or foreign country of residence of mother
8. Total number of previous pregnancies of the mother
Live Births
Miscarriages
Induced Abortions

AND WHAT THE FUCK IS TO BE GAINED FROM THESE DISCLOSURES??? ARE THEY JUST IN PLACE TO DISCOURAGE WOMEN FROM GETTING ABORTIONS???

OR REALLY & THIS IS THE VILLAGE GIRL INSIDE OF ME, IS THIS JUST ANOTHER WAY TO STOP WOMEN FROM MORE RURAL AREAS FROM HAVING ABORTIONS. BECAUSE I CAN TELL YOU AS A VILLAGE GIRL WE'D HAVE FIGURED IT OUT - WHICH IS WRONG. SO FUCKING WRONG. SO INSTEAD OF FINDING THE MONEY FOR THE PROCEDURE & HAVING IT DONE CLOSE BY - THEY NOW HAVE TO TRAVEL GREAT DISTANCES SO THAT THEIR IDENTITIES AREN'T EASILY DISCERNED.

In other news...

2009-10-08T19:07:00.003-04:00

Georges gets here from Glasgow in less than a week!!! - I'm so excited that I can hardly contain myself. Short of the Metallica show there are no plans - AND yet still I am too excited to see & cuddle his skinny butt.

Prayers, energy, light...

2009-10-08T14:07:00.003-04:00

My cancer patient is dying - you've been around me for the last 6+ months, you know who I am talking about. She is a dear sweet soul & is currently surrounded by family & friends. All I'm saying is that she is not too much longer of this Earth. All prayers, love, light, & energy that the transition is smooth & swift.

On the side I've got to admit that I appreciate being involved so closely with death & dying & terminally ill patients because it keeps me honest. Who has time for petty liars & their bullshit drama when you are holding hands with death? Perhaps this is me being way too extreme, but as with all passings I am reviewing my life & I realize again that I am happy with my choices.

Cleaning, organizing, joi

2009-10-01T21:12:00.003-04:00

Tonight I made dinner for my new household - spaghetti & meatballs - they had been simmering most of the day. Good reviews all around. I am currently cleaning & reorganizing my space it is about 50 in here & I am eyeing my pile of "to be blankets" clothes & my sewing machine - but the piles of stuff in between are daunting - I hope to have it presentable for saturday night.

Speaking of which we are having a party here at FTS Compound for Justin's birthday - if you haven't met Justin he is fantastic. You can see my new digs & visit the cats if you make it out. Well you can meet the other 4cats & come up to my room to see mine.

Adjusting - kinda.

Recycled Rainbow has ended

2009-09-28T00:11:00.002-04:00

& to continue this line of thought I had lyrics in my head every quiet moment I found myself in. It was the rain & missing Adam. I found him in my forebrain a lot this weekend - nothing to do w/ the temple, just other things & camp & rain & too many moments spent singing to eachother in the quiet thru the pain. Too many nights holding him thru shudders & sweats & nausea & fatigue. I tried to stay busy or preoccupied. It worked kind of, lots of silent tearing thru the weekend. The thought of rain started the lyrics rolling thru my head beforehand.

"EPONINE

Don't you fret, M'sieur Marius
I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now
You're here, that's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
And rain will make the flowers grow.

MARIUS
But you will live, 'Ponine - dear God above,
If I could heal your wounds with words of love.

EPONINE
Just hold me now, and let it be.
Shelter me, comfort me

MARIUS
You would live a hundred years
If I could show you how
I won't desert you now...

EPONINE
The rain can't hurt me now
This rain will wash away what's past
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
I'll sleep in your embrace at last.

The rain that brings you here
Is Heaven-blessed!
The skies begin to clear
And I'm at rest
A breath away from where you are
I've come home from so far
So don't you fret, M'sieur Marius

I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now

That's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close

MARIUS(in counterpoint)
Hush-a-bye, dear Eponine,
You won't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt you now
I'm here

I will stay with you
Till you are sleeping

EPONINE
And rain...

MARIUS
And rain...

EPONINE
Will make the flowers...

MARIUS
Will make the flowers... grow... "

Maybe someday I'll sing it & he'll live instead.

Saturday night

2009-09-27T23:53:00.003-04:00

Temple burn

This were the words ringing in my head.

"If you were here
I know that you would
Truly be amazed
At what's become of what you made
If you were here
You would know how I treasured every day
How every single word you spoke
Echo's in me like a memory of hope

When you were here
You could not feel the value that I placed
On every look that crossed your face
When you were here
I did not know just how I had embraced
All that you hid behind your face
Could not hide from me
'Cause it hid in me too

Father:
Hello tiger, it's great fun, talking with you. like this--in fact I'm going to do it more often

Now that I'm here I hear you and wonder if maybe you can hear yourself
Ringing in me now that your somewhere else.

Father:
I miss you a lot

'Cause I hear your strange music gentle and true

Father:
But I'm so proud of everything you do there

Singing inside me with the best parts of you

Father:
Next time I see you you'll proudly sing it back to me

Now that I'm here

I hope somewhere you hear them too

Now that I'm here

I love you...

Daughter:
It's okay you can go now"

Mixed emotional bag of mess

2009-09-27T23:15:00.004-04:00

"How many do you need?"

"I was told you are a collector"

You know me - nothing quite like being accused of being a whore. Nothing quite like being openly judged & spoken of behind my back before uttering a word near my face. ME?!?!? The woman who kills herself to trust anyone.

I ended the burn talking to the one person in my current social circle who I would vote off of the island if I could. Confronting me finally as she projected her own insecurities & behaviors on to me. I'm pacing the cage til I get to address everything with the appropriate parties. I hate liars.

I feel like a giant bruise

2009-09-20T00:21:00.003-04:00

I am covered in bruises from the cleaning/packing/moving this past week. I am sore like my entire body is a strained muscle - note strained, not sore muscle, but actual strained muscles. I feel like I did too much & the anemia & cramping & fatigue are all catching at my heels. Like a mamba that just keeps striking even as I run away. Still emotionally overwhelmed but feeling good about the new living situation. I just need to get the rest of my life in order. Help.

0309 & still up

2009-09-16T03:09:00.002-04:00

Nerves?

Freakouts?

Stress?

Yes please - all of the above - I'm trying to calm to some semblance of rest but the brain won't shut up - I'm too freaked out about the move, I have so much to do tomorrow. I have a few hours til my upstairs neighbor leaves for work - than I can pump up the music & begin moving things to the front porch for staging. I just want to get it all out of here now.

My stomach is spitting acid on my esophagus - So lying down is hurty. At this point I want like 2-3 hrs sleep going into this madness.

@ 1400 today the first van gets here.

Eeeep.

ummmm

2009-09-14T21:02:00.003-04:00

Patrick Swayze is dead. For reals. The pancreatic cancer won. He was 57, 3 years older than my dad. He'd fought cancer bravely. The Beast was an amazing body of work. He could dance & move, so beautifully but his acting, damned. He is my favorite guilty pleasure in Roadhouse. I still smile when I see the hot pink letters come on the screen. Just sad, really really sad. I hope his family knows how much joi he brought the rest of us & take comfort in it. wow.

Post 666 - Huzzah!!!

2009-09-13T23:41:00.003-04:00

Seriously I wanted to write something amazing but I'm emotionally overwhelmed & physically exhausted from the packing. I am watching Run FatBoy Run & I gotta say for a "fatboy" Simon Pegg has great legs. AND I LOVE that he is wearing old skool headphones (the fully covering the ears) while he is doing his training runs - I love that boi.

Big move night on Tuesday - I am anticipating 2 vans available to help. I need more bodies then & the rest of the week. Please let me know asap if you can help out. I just need help with all of this.

Dunekitty makes me smile. - I've been repeating the fear mantra from Dune a lot lately. So much of this experience has been terrifying on so many levels for me. So many things I have never done nor contemplated doing. Seriously this is the longest I've been unemployed since I was 17 & I took the first semester of college off to just go to school. By 2nd semester I was at least rollin down to the ALI (American Language Institute). Send me leads please.

Overwhelmed

2009-09-11T16:05:00.003-04:00

The new space is clean & ready for me to move into it. I finished scrubbing the carpets yesterday. I also finished moving the "stuff that is not staying" out of the space. only one more big item to get moved out.

Clothes in front room are almost all packed up - still have to do back room clothes
AND of course the entire rest of my apt. I feel more than a little overwhelmed. If you find yourself bored this weekend, call me, I could use some help packing & cleaning -as of the 15th I can start moving stuff into the new space. In my car I can move things like my LaZBoys but I need bigger vehicles for my bed & it would be easier to move the bookcases & dresser in bigger vehicles. I'm so freaked out as I do this so hugs & cuddles & love are also needed, it is a huge move for me. I have so much to get rid of & so much to get sorted out in the new space. Also food if you feel like dropping by w/ a meal or coffee I appreciate it greatly.

OF NOTE: this move will NOT change my standard of randomly showing up at my door with booze or cheesecake. It just means you need to bring more for the other household members. Well more cheesecake anyway - I think I drink more than anyone in the house & that is not saying much - you know how little I drink. However I will be on the 3rd floor so if you try to knock on the door I will be the last person to hear it. Please call ahead & let me know to expect you or try the pebble to the window thing if you think I am up in my room. Of course you are responsible if you break a window.

Also overwhelmed by the love & support you have shown me in calls & notes & emails & so on. Seriously you make me tear up just thinking about it. THANK YOU

Oh Happy Birthday to me!!!

2009-09-09T01:27:00.002-04:00

OK - no sleeping through the night.
BUT

New Sons of Anarchy with Henry Rollins.
It is the BEST birthday present so far. Seriously.

Dear Buddha...

2009-09-08T15:13:00.003-04:00

Please send:

civil attorney

food - I haven't eaten today

sleep - I didn't sleep last night

the cost of the mental anguish that has been caused by bringing a baseless protective order against me that HAS cost me employment opportunities since my termination.

A pony and a plastic rocket...

Updates

2009-08-31T23:01:00.003-04:00

News!

I am following up on the job leads that you have given me - thank you so much.

I will be moving into the FTS Compound (oh our lil commune in the making).

I will be moving the most/emptying the old apt the wknd before RR - so that I will be settled in before RR - I think that is most beneficial to all involved.

I will post details of times/dates of movements of items to storage/FTS as soon as I can sort them out. I appreciate all offers of assistance & will be taking you up on them. I am not requesting that you forgo your own lives/projects to help. I can let you know that I will be out of town Labor Day wknd as planned before all this & then the bulk of the move must take place after the 14th. so the wknd in between I will need help packing & cleaning.

This is all really sudden & still scary for me.

Thank you for the love & support.

Notification of Help Needed Soon

2009-08-27T12:20:00.001-04:00

As some of you know & some of you have heard me dealing with lately my job has taken a decided turn for the worse. Things have been bad there for the month of August. I was fired yesterday.

I am appealing it. I have filed for unemployment. I am most likely going to be moving by the end of September because I cannot afford to keep my apt. Leading up to this I have needed money in a bad way & of course that has turned into a worse way. I'm starting the jobsearch & updated the resumes - I am not directly asking for anything right now - I don't know what I need beyond love & support & prayers/energy. But I wanted you to know I will be asking soon, job leads, ideas, help moving, help storing, things that I haven't thought of yet. I'm just completely overwhelmed & unprepared to process too much more flying at me right now.

I'm afraid & still putting one foot in front of the other.

got fired today

2009-08-27T00:39:00.001-04:00

accepting donations $ & help in any way it can be spared for me.

I saw the doc today...

2009-08-10T18:08:00.003-04:00

I am healthy per the doc - she was amazed at the weight I've lost & how low my blood pressure is & how good I look. Since March I have dropped around 30 lbs, I've taken 7 inches off my waist. My blood pressure has gone from an alltime high of 164/100 to a snazzy 114/68 - which is pretty darn sexe in my book. These were added bonuses - the reason for the visit was to refill my sched IV narcotics (YAY). I am feeling better than last week - I'm still processing last week & promise an update as soon as I can put it all into words. I no longer feel like I am about to start sobbing at any moment. The stress has been a lot to handle & I feel better after good sleep & touching a body this weekend. I still feel touch starved - i just need a giant puppy pile of people to sleep in & MAYBE I'll start to feel sated.