Just so we are CLEAR


around the bend

Mandy is being induced tomorrow @ 6am. YAY

Reese is almost here

Liz is okish. She is holding steady – slowly dealing with it all. I am freaking out and waiting here. She is on the Dilaudid for the pain (yes the stuff that inspired the 3.5 hour heaving in me – she is totally fine w/ it).


Let me be perfectly clear


down the hill...

Liz is out of surgery


Everything looks good (her other organs etc...). They took out 1/2 her stomach. the growths were cancer. We have to wait about a week for the typing and staging of the cancer

Her options:

Stomach cancers can spread, or metastasize, in several different ways. They can grow through the wall of the stomach and eventually grow into nearby organs. They can also spread to the lymph system, including lymph vessels and lymph nodes. Lymph nodes are bean-sized structures located near many body structures to fight infections. The stomach has a very rich network of lymph vessels and nodes. If cancer spreads to the lymph nodes, the outlook for cure also gets worse. When the stomach cancer becomes more advanced, it will travel through the bloodstream and form deposits (called metastases) in organs such as the liver, lungs, and bones.

Approximately 90% to 95% of cancerous (malignant) tumors of the stomach are adenocarcinomas. The term stomach cancer, or gastric cancer, almost always refers to adenocarcinoma-type cancer of the stomach. This cancer develops from the epithelial cells that form the innermost lining of the stomach’s mucosa.

Or these:

Gastrointestinal stromal tumors (GIST): These are rare tumors that appear to develop from cells in the wall of the stomach called interstitial cells of Cajal. Some are non-cancerous (benign); others are cancerous (malignant). Although these cancers can be found anywhere in the gastrointestinal tract, the majority (70%) occur in the stomach. For further information, please see the American Cancer Society document, "Gastrointestinal Stromal Tumors (GIST)."



Slowly riding up the hill...

OK – latest words – my sister is gonna have the surgery tomorrow at 3pm. They are gonna take out half of her stomach. The surgeon in Columbus was apparently not convinced this is as “safe” a situation as everyone else seems to think. We have a few options: 1. They are little tumors (growths) that have no consequence and can easily be removed - not cancer. 2. They are benign fibroids – we don’t think so, but there you have it. 3. They could be simple cancerous and not metastasized and local to only the stomach then they will be removed and she’ll have preventative chemo by pill for a year. 4. They are the worst case scenario – malignant, metastasized, and already spread thru her lymph. In which case this is just the start of Hell.

I’m freaking a little – they have successfully made me an optimist – only I’m not really, I’m just holding it all in til we get the path reports back and we know sure what we’re dealing with.

Positive thoughts, prayers, energy, love - we won't have lab results til later tomorrow night, and the minimum surgery (w/ no complications/extensive digging) should last over 4 hours.


still on the straight away

No news right now.

Mandy = no distractions, just very tired

Liz = On the way to Columbus - via ambulance. Eric is already there mom is following.

Yep, this is me freaking out every 5 mins. And I'm 3 hours away.

Mom is fretting like crazy (you can hear it in her voice). Liz is terrified. And the voices we all hear in the back of our heads, keep saying, " You know we found dad's stage 3 colon cancer after blood showed up in his stool."

No one has given me actual sizes on the "growths" yet - so I keep picturing something larger than the head of a pin, but smaller than a centimeter - cause they keep saying "small" - it's a body, anything that doesn't beling is too big.

I only cried 3 times at work and puked once. (YAY)

(+) I HAVE A SPACE HEATER NOW!!! - It was on my doorstep when I arrived herehome on Sat night. courtesy of my little mini me.

holy wow. I still want a drink. A lot of drink. Oh, and the pain to stop - did I mention the pills aren't exactly doing their job and it started half way thru last week. So here we go again.


Back on the roller coaster


Update from mom: the mds looked again and consulted eachother about her scope and all the pics they have taken of her innards, and they are "very concerned" about the location of the larger "lesion" (formerly referred to as growth). It is the one that was bleeding and located too close to the pancreas for comfort. For those of you keeping score phrases like "stomach cancer", "pancreatic cancer" and metastasized are coming up with more frequency. Her hemoglobin is about a 9.9, and they have determined that she will not be allowed to go to Columbus by car, she now has to be taken by ambulance. Once there and they do the other scope they should be able to needle biopsy the growths/lesions/whatever they are referring to them as. Oh, and just for fun they noticed that there is a cyst on her right ovary.

Happy fucking holidays - I've already puked 2ce today. In honor of her.

A long long time ago (ok not so long ago) at my dad's last x-mas my baby sister and parents and I went to morning mass together. After mass we hung around and noticed my mom tearing up while talking to some of the other parishioners. Liz and I asked what the hell was going on, and were informed that my dad's cancer was back, and we were waiting on Fr Tony to perform the anointing of the sick on dad. We all cried. In the car on the way back Liz came up with the perfect comment: " You know being in this family is like riding a roller coaster, no matter how many times you puke they won't let you off."


"The tale of my Turkey Day", otherwise known as: "Fuck me, can't we just have one easy holiday?"


Wed night I left Cleve for Toledo to rub Brenda's tummy (wishing all my love upon little unborn Amethyst). Left there around Midnight. The fog was thick like pea soup. Solid blocks of white periodically broken up by patches of low hanging grey. I made it home by 130ish and fell asleep on the couch.

Thursday morn I woke up w/ my mom. We were going thru the 1500 pics she took while in New Mexico and the phone rang. For those of u keeping score I have a sister (Mandy) who is about to give birth to a lil girl to be named Reese. My mom scribbled something down then sd, "We'll be right there." then hung up - I sd, "Babytime?" I was told no, Liz fell a few times and is being brought to St Rita's. When we arrived and finally got to see her she gave new meaning to the term corspified. Very very pale - yes, even for us Miller girls. Her hemoglobin was down. She ended up getting 3 units of blood on T-day proper. After they started the first unit she puked. And by puking I don't mean like a little I mean a lot of blood clots (picture clots the size of serving spoons). There was a lot. They put a tube down her nose and into her stomach. They flushed out her stomach w/ water. more clots. So the clots were dark brownish old old blood. implying she wasn't currently bleeding. She fessed up to having had tarry/black stools a couple of times the previous week. For others keeping score my dad's colon cancer was found after he found blood in his stool. So take a deep breathe and put yourself in our shoes for a few mins. We were at the hospital til midnight.

Next morn the tube came out, she was scoped and she has 2 small growths in her stomach. they look like fibroids (we hope they are - that means not cancerous to those keeping score of that part at home). 1 was bleeding. They cauterized it. IF the cauterizing holds then she will be released to Columbus (OSU) for an ultrasound/scope to determine the details of getting them out. If she starts bleeding again they will do emergency surgery and have half her stomach taken out w/ the growths. And no, we won't know til they actually biopsy them whether or not they are cancerous. Cause god knows that we don't have enough of that floating around in the family.

So there you go my own pity song - I am going to have a few drinks and go to bed. After the shower to get the hospital smell off of me.

Another word about the fog

The bloody fog - pea soup does so little justice to describing it. It was a solid wall of white. I souldn't see more than 10 ft in front of my car at any given time. I drove thru it on the way home. Drove mom thru it on the way to the hospital. Drove mom home thru it after the hospital. It was terrifying. couldn't go fast - couldn't go too slow. So Thursday night there was a 15 car pile-up on I-75 tween Bluffton and Findlay. They shut down the northbound lanes. So you grok this better my homehome is 1/2 tween Ottoville and Ft Jennings Ohio. check the area out on google maps or something to get an idea how close that is to home. It is in fact on my primary route out of the area. 30E-75N-80E/90E-90E-home. I'm jsut sayin... it sucked.



(+) I had a nosebleed, and bled on my laptop case - officially making it mine, all mine on so many more levels than I can describe.

(-) One of my little pts (cancer - 3 yrs out from a mastectomy, has 3 spots now on one of her lungs, and is back in chemo and radiation) my money says if she makes it to x-mas she won't be long for this world past that.

(+) Christopher Eccleston is slated to be arriving on "Heroes" mid-season as a regular.

(-) my old friday job is now trying to intimidate myself and another therapist to stop us from remembering that we have a legal standing/interest and we have not been compensated for services rendered in good faith.

(+) I am clean - the shower was wonderful

(-) I have to go homehome this week and leave Obi here alone

(+) I get to go home this week and see my niece and my brother-in-law and rub my sister's tummy and say "hi" to Reese, my soon to be niece. And I get to see my other sister and her fiance (yay).

(-) I have to spend 6 hrs of PTO to be off on Thursday

(+) I only have to work 3 days this week.

(-) nothing even vaguely interesting on the bachelor hunt front.

(+) It's almost winter, and that is a good thing.

(-) The kittens don't really exist for me to lock Becca in a room w/ them...


Garfield's day...

Why is it I've been making that reference all day and aside from being told "you seem to have a case of the Mondays"... No one seems to get it?

Am I the only one who realizes that the cat was right - Monday the Thirteenth is always worse than Friday the Thirteenth - Unless you are talking about Saturday the Fourteenth - I have 26 stitches in my leg to prove that.

OK, done w/ that.

In other news: My sister might be due sooner than later (original due date 12/7) - we'll know more after the ultrasound tomorrow. My Brenda is due 12/5 - Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! - I'm so excited.

My precious niece turned 6 today.

My Darling dearest mini-me called her grandparents on Saturday. I was floored.

Apparently my baby sister loves me, and if anyone is mean to me she will "FUCK THEM UP!!! - Seriously she will turn their lives into a Law and Order episode" I love her so much it is ridiculous.

I took all the porny goodness off of my Amazon wishlist therefore making it family friendly for the holidays. I only want one of the heaters, and I am not saying that they have to be ordered, but the 2 listed epitomize what i am looking for in a space heater. Especially the programmable Thermostat feature.

& a pic that depicts how my life is going.


Notes from the edges...

OK, I've been crazy - I know this you know this - You (yes the 2 people who read this) have kvetched that I need to update so here goes:

1. I am no longer working or supporting in any way the Center For Integrated Therapies (CFIT). It is a looooong story and I am still pissed and feeling betrayed, so if you want more details call me.

2. $$$$$$$$$$$$ nothing is free and despite the fact that CFIT owes me serious money, the last check I received from them was not only over a month ago, but for tx performed in June. I need money. NOW. I am looking for private clients. Any assistance will be appreciated.

3. I had a dateish w/ a random bachelor last weekend. I googled him and found out he has a thing for frequenting hookers while pretending to be in committed relationships. Needless to say he is no longer eligible to date me.

4. Sleep is free, so I have been doing a lot of it.

5. I'm not sure what is next.

6. The latest ultrasound show the endometriosis is responding to tx. Therefore I get to stay on the pill. & my doc bothered to mention that it is so widespread that my only other option is a hysterectomy. Oh my.

That's all right now - so there you have it. Keep thinking happy thoughts for me - I appreciate it, and I am totally accepting $$$$ donations. Oh & a pic for fun, cause that's how I feel.