Oh my...

On being handed lemons and investing in a tequila bar...

Really real reality - being so disconnected all weekend - back to what is really happening the day to day doldrums of my life. Fighting is easy if that is what I am doing - is it to just stand up and do it - make the change I want to see in my life - Sort of skews Gandhi's intent but it keeps me going - how can I

I want to be rubbed on. I want to feel hands on my shoulders - strong hands. Pushing w/ the right pressures, easing away the pains & aches, touching into the tender stops that I didn't realize that I had. Spring of 1991 I fell asleep in the arms of a man sitting behind me rubbing my shoulders. Sound asleep on his chest leaning back into his arms. Neither of us had planned on it. He was 18 & I was 13. It wasn't loveydovey or sexie time, just a backrub. The love came later. Johnny holds the gold standard on my body for hands. Funny thing is that now I only see them reflected in my own. I'm surrounded by so many people right now who shy away from human contact. & I am lying here thinking of the last time I really relaxed, really let myself get swept into a rubdown & let go. Going backward: Moik had a nice touch but not totally smooth. Kerry tried & was so willing to learn but didn't have the touch - not for one moment that I didn't appreciate the attentions - I always want to be worked on. Chris in Toledo has a lovely touch but it is grounded into the medicine - much like my work for work it is about fixing what is wrong or out of balance. I think maybe Chris - one of my teachers was the last time I really relaxed under a set of hands & let go - I loved him digging into my diaphragm. Maybe that is what I'm trying to say I am always paying attention. With his hands, with Johnny's hands I let my mind shut down & fell asleep. Well w/ Chris I fell into a pretty deep meditation - it was lovely. I think it is that I need to feel safe too. I so rarely do that. I say I do - trying to will it into being but I'm always up & twitchy. I never stop to breathe. I just want to relax. Find peace. Please.

Sophia's dead.

& the world is a little sadder.



Your results:
You are Mystique

Poison Ivy
Dr. Doom
The Joker
Mr. Freeze
Dark Phoenix
Lex Luthor
Green Goblin
Sometimes motherly, sometimes a beautiful companion, but most of the time a deceiving vixen.

Click here to take the Supervillain Personality Quiz


I'm up & tired - not asleep - I didn't sleep last night til 0300.

I do not know why i am awake - my brain is just tumbling - not really stewing anything in particular.

I want physical contact - like a rubdown. Like a teddy bear with muscles & skills.

nothing on is holding my interest. Movies not keeping me on task. Oi.


Flyfishing on OKC

You spend time perfecting the lure, every knot perfectly placed, that perfectly expressive profile borne of loneliness, boredom, or just banging around in your box too long and being spat back out onto the street. Every note, every woo you tap into the water, every time you're viewed, a nibble. Every interest a possibility, a future friend, a maybe lover, a partner in the next adventure, maybe just another familiar face on the bus. Sometimes the fish don't bite & no one of interest finds you of interest.

You know what: online dating is not fishing.
Just like relationships are not chess games.
People aren't fish.

I'm just sayin...


My survival does not depend on an ever-widening social circle online. I'm interested in finding a partner to share my exploits and adventures with. I'm interested in waking up next to someone I love. & giggling at the soon-to-be posed Spider Jerusalem riding the avenging unicorn impaling the businessman sitting above the bed. Does this make me childlike w/ glee at the mere thought? - YES.


If you read me

Or have read me for a while now - you will see me reference FearTheReaper on the SuicideGirls. He has his own blog aside from those columns of Asshole Fuckfaces & I thought I would take a moment to refer you directly to it. He has also taken up a permanent resident at the right column. Having said that I'm going to go shape my nails...HA! - let the emery boards rain down on me.



I'm quiet, I had planned on writing this weekend - I'm a withering ball of pain.  However with the bleeding came sleep, sweet sweet deep sleep, the kind of sleep that has me feeling like I've somehow slept on the floor rooted in the dirt straight through the bed.  The dreams have been unfurling memories and events nothing of the future just sorting out my life.  I feel fatigued yet.  I'm heading back to another sleep soon - just popping my head out.  I have the first season of AMCs "Mad Men" & I feel pretty ambivalent about it  - it's just not grabbing me.  Well acted & Our Mrs Reynolds & Connor & all, just not pulling me into it.  Though I have nails right now - which means my nerves are down.  Too much time on computers, not enough on bodies.  I manicured yesterday, all pretty & shaped, buffed & smooth, hardener but no polish.  I feel girlie.  I wish I wasn't alone right now.


Ode to Insomnia

Oh how I loathe thee...
My brain wide awake, tossing & turning twining in the sheets, unable to find a good temperature.  Unable to find rest.  I've decided about 3 hours ago to just make a go of the evening.  I caught the OnDemand epi 01 of the Cleaner w/ Benjamin Bratt - looks very promising.  I'm watching crap horror movies.  Yay!!!

4 hours of work then errands then nap if I'm up for it.  & I know this is tied in to the fact that I'm supposed to be bleeding & I'm not yet.  But full water retention & irritability & random bouts of weeping.  grrr.


Oh my.......

Toby have you been near a camera again???



Your result for The Hellsing Character Test...

Seras Victoria

Police Girl

Seras was originally a police officer who, along with the rest of her squad, was sent into Cheddar Village, where a vampire disguised as (or possibly was formerly) a priest had taken control of the town and turned its inhabitants into ghouls (zombies). Taken hostage by that vampire, who used her as a human shield, she was given a "choice" by Alucard after shooting her through the lung in order to kill the vampire: she could either die as a human, or be turned into a vampire herself, and live. She chose to live, and so Alucard turned her into a vampire, her virgin blood allowed her to successfully make the transition from human to vampire (non-virgin or same-sex vampire victims become ghouls). She was employed by the Hellsing Organisation immediately afterwards. Seras is a strong willed woman, and apparently had always been since childhood which is confirmed through her flashbacks.

Alter ego: Seras Victoria.

Team affiliations: Hellsing, Police.

Notable aliases: Police Girl, Draculina, Mignonette, Kitten.

Abilities: Clairvoyance, superhuman strength, superhuman speed and reflexes, regeneration, skilled fighter and marksman, flight, major shapeshifting since chapter 86.

Take The Hellsing Character Test at HelloQuizzy



Staring down the barrel of another insane work week.  I'll have more to add soon.  More ranting & madness after I get more sleep.

Regarding the FISA vote 9.7.2008

Alexander (R-TN)
Allard (R-CO)
Barrasso (R-WY)
Baucus (D-MT)
Bayh (D-IN)
Bennett (R-UT)
Bond (R-MO)
Brownback (R-KS)
Bunning (R-KY)
Burr (R-NC)
Carper (D-DE)
Casey (D-PA)
Chambliss (R-GA)
Coburn (R-OK)
Cochran (R-MS)
Coleman (R-MN)
Collins (R-ME)
Conrad (D-ND)
Corker (R-TN)
Cornyn (R-TX)
Craig (R-ID)
Crapo (R-ID)
DeMint (R-SC)
Dole (R-NC)
Domenici (R-NM)
Ensign (R-NV)
Enzi (R-WY)
Feinstein (D-CA)
Graham (R-SC)
Grassley (R-IA)
Gregg (R-NH)
Hagel (R-NE)
Hatch (R-UT)
Hutchison (R-TX)
Inhofe (R-OK)
Inouye (D-HI)
Isakson (R-GA)
Johnson (D-SD)
Kohl (D-WI)
Kyl (R-AZ)
Landrieu (D-LA)
Lieberman (ID-CT)
Lincoln (D-AR)
Lugar (R-IN)
Martinez (R-FL)
McCaskill (D-MO)
McConnell (R-KY)
Mikulski (D-MD)
Murkowski (R-AK)
Nelson (D-FL)
Nelson (D-NE)
Obama (D-IL) - I was all set to like you - Fuck you Double. Even Clinton & Kerry voted against it.
Pryor (D-AR)
Roberts (R-KS)
Rockefeller (D-WV)
Salazar (D-CO)
Shelby (R-AL)
Smith (R-OR)
Snowe (R-ME)
Specter (R-PA)
Stevens (R-AK)
Sununu (R-NH)
Thune (R-SD)
Vitter (R-LA)
Voinovich (R-OH) - how the fuck do we still let this bastard keep office?
Warner (R-VA)
Webb (D-VA)
Whitehouse (D-RI)
Wicker (R-MS)

Fuck you too:
Kennedy (D-MA) - you could drag your ass back for a Medicare vote to support your older constituents - but you wipe your ass with the constitution.
McCain (R-AZ) - too late for your soul
Sessions (R-AL)

If you really don't know why I'm pissed: read on.


Wow - so real to me

Your result for Which Chess Piece are You Test?...

The King's Bishop

Congrats! Only 3-4% of the population score this!

To others, the King’s Bishop projects confidence. This can be mistaken for arrogance; but its source is easy to find. From an early age most of the King’s Bishops are specialized in their knowledge. When it comes to an area of expertise the King’s Bishop has several. They can know immediately if they can help you and how. They know what they know, but more importantly they know their limits.

This Bishop is a perfectionist. They will always attempt to improve upon anything of interest. They have an unusual independence of mind which frees them from authority, convention or sentiment. Anyone who is slacking will lose respect – and be made aware of this. The King’s Bishop can be secretive when making critical decisions. However they are even-handed and will recognize contributions others give.

This Bishop is highly ideal with their goals. They attempt to pursue high degree of quality in solutions and can be critical of ideas that compromise this quality. Because of their unwillingness to accept ‘good enough’ they can be unrealistic. They are at their best when they have time to think through a problem, at which point they may have a plan to solve the dilemma. The King's Bishop is an individual with a very analytical attitude. They are like the Queen's Rook, in that they prefer the ascetic quality of solitude. They are not as sociable as others, but are quite prepared to lead if they deem the current leadership as weak. They are thankfully pragmatic and logical individuals. They have very low tolerance for emotional rampaging or the spinning of 'truths'.



New earring & bonsai in the background. Seriously GlassHeartStudio rocks & she was awesome & timely. The earrings are so light & comfortable - I'm utterly in love with them.



I'm just sayin...



I found out here.  Don S Davis passed away this weekend.  He was a part of many casts in my dreamcasts of various favorite ideas for stage/film.  & he created as well...

RIP a Captain, a PhD, and a gentleman, you'll be missed.