Still waiting

I waited last night for the storm then slept through it. I had strange dreams, soft warm, safe dreams. Featuring an old friend of mine that I haven't seen in forever. I woke up slowly from a pair of arms in my dream that I felt safe in, I kept kissing the pillow (his chest) & trying to stay there. I've been wondering all day if I should call him - or try to track him down. It was very lucid in my dreams. The other sections of dreaming was basic familial relations right now. Lil stress, lil crazed.

The leaves have been turning all day - more rain on the way. I've got the windows open, and I really wish I were out in the woods with friends to dance naked in it. I don't think I have many friends like that anymore. This is the part where I miss the poets. I realize what happened - most of them still smoke, something, and are so "hardcore" in their views that the idea of "changing for society" is just "not their thing". So somewhere along the way I walked away. Choices that I cannot stand by, are just that. I miss community, for love, sex, magic, and even simple camaraderie. I value the friends that aren't too busy reacting to society to take responsibility for themselves & their actions.



waiting on the storm to open up.  just waiting - it's there brewing,  I just want it here now.  mmm thunderstormy.


The stuff of legends...

or at least the future....

First up: Magic fucking pixie dust to grow back limbs.  With war comes medicine, that is to say the more we destroy ourselves the more we find the ways to extend the destruction - gotta get the cannon fodder back in the field.

Then there is this. Hyperthymestic is just a cool word.   And my head is just banging back to Funes, el memorioso.  I love Borges, so very much.



It is sad that another one is gone.  Sydney Pollack has passed.  Makes me a lil misty.  Such talent.  


I've slept

more this weekend than the entire week after the surgery combined. So very good for me. I am currently awake from my second nap of the day. Tomorrow I am going in to work for a few hours. It should be lovely. I actually socialized today - for the first time since the surgery: Jules & I went to brunch at Mangos & it was lovely. Fresh watermelon margaritas, chorizo-potato-cheese omelet, and freshly baked cornbread - truly the stuff of legends, or just summertime on the northcoast. I have missed her company like crazy. I've missed simple human contact like crazy. Friday I stopped by my old job to give them a thank you card for the card they sent me before surgery. It was so nice w/ the hugs & love.

I remember what I was doing last year at this time & I have to say that I am really happy to be the me that I am now. Living the life that I have now. No regrets. Though the dreams have been strange lately. I think I need to sit down & sort them all out. Overall good feelings upon waking, but I think I'm looking for something.

Do you know

where your towel is?

I do.



Bloody Hell

Welcome to America, Do they have this in other countries?


Remember this?

That's us... in the back... on the left...


Brain still buzzing

I promise that I will sleep soon.  I found out (thank the gods that he stayed up late to let me know after the Hell day I've had - that is to say I'll tell you all about it later) that Moik made it thru Canadian Immigration & can relocate at will to this continent.  Of course this is not easy also - the company is in the midst of a takeover so there is a recruitment freeze til further notice.  But - here's the thing: he's got the job & the clearance - just a matter of time until he's only 1 time zone away.  eeeeep.

& I caught the last half of Curse of the Golden Flower(Man cheng jin dai huang jin jia) & it was so beautiful, moreso than I remembered.  I wish I could see it on the big screen.

& Junior is in a freaking movie w/ Ken Watanabe - Yes Junior's like 3rd dude from the left in the extras, but still.  It is almost hard for me to express how proud I am of how far he has allowed himself to come.


Fucking HELL

You do NOT cut from Wilson telling Amber that she is dead & weeping season finale goodness to a fucking advert for KungFu Panda.  

My murder kitties will get you for this.  Oh yes they will.



There will be some changes here in the next week or so - I'm recreating this life to match the changes occurring in the other ones. I'll be playing with things so don't get all befuddled if they don't work right immediately.
& something else - I don't take advice well. I mean I don't - smart people tell me things & I'm so used to having to do it all on my own that I don't listen to them. Or I do & I don't take the time to show proper thanks for it. Every once in a while your eyes open and you realize that there has to be a change. Radical or subtle. Now I'm not saying to expect some overnight "Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares" change in me. But here are a few pieces that I am addressing. Perhaps I'll let you know as they occur, perhaps you'll just notice on your own.

Despite evidence to the contrary

OKC thinks I'm a gamer:

Your Score: Über Gamer!

You scored 74% Gamer!
You are the Über gamer! You really know your stuff! Congrats! If you haven't already tried these games, I would highly suggest you do, I know you can handle them!

Standard Card Games: Rook (needs 5 players)
Board Games: Arkham Horror or Last Night on Earth
RPG: White Wolf or Rifts
So go ahead, pick up some new games, invite your friends over and have a game night! :)

Link: The What Kind of Games Should You Play? Test written by jellen11 on OkCupid Free Online Dating

big numbers today

3,570 moments in time.

I'll get back to this later.


4.5 hours

Kicked my ass today at work. & the patient flow was low & there was only 6.5 hundred things to catch up on. So I took it slow myself & organized & took things home to work on tomorrow & I'm going in on Monday for about 4 hours. Then Tuesday I am doing at least 8 hours (Bobbie is doing a class that day & is kind enough to come in & relieve me in the evening so I am not killing myself) then Wednesday I am shooting for 8, Thursday 8 or more. Friday & Saturday we do not have patients so I will probably go in to make up the rest of the 40 hours (or whatever I am up to) & really get the office caught up at least one of those days.

My digestive tract is running back on track again. Yummy fiberlicious diet. DiFranco is the cutest curled up next to me. There is Burger competition on FoodNetwork so I am craving delicious hamburgers - like I want to trek to Red Robin or even Fridays - mmm thinking of a burger w/ their Jack Daniels sauce, caramelized onions reduced w/ the sauce, less crisp but not tough bacon, & avocado lime greens would be freaking delicious. & not a giant burger but a maybe half-inch thick patty of good quality beef w/ a maybe 30/70 fat/lean ratio. & not huge maybe the diameter of a regular burger from a chain fast food place. & fries from Red Robin. Not a lot just a few. I'm not eating big portions these days.

Did I mention that I'm down 15 lbs tween the regular goodness & the surgery - kind of nice. Bruising on my abdomen surfacing today as well.

Side, sidebar: In case I haven't mentioned it to you lately: I love you. Rebecca & Ira - I miss u 2 so much. Jules, you are like a freaking rock & dammit I need that sometimes. My new coworkers, the most supportive & wonderful situation. My old co-workers, still there for me & making with the love for me & I need that. Brenda, Chris, Meca, Kate, Matt - I miss you like crazy, but just as we've always been dolphins fucking, showing up in front of each other at just the right moments in our lives. Junior, I'm so freakin proud of you I've shed tears. Toby, my friend I can't begin to tell you how much I heart you in my life. Kate, other Kate, long tall Kate - I'd love to call you stabilizing then I remember all of our time together & all I can say is that I don't know what I would do without you. Gods Nevin I miss your dirty hippie ass. Sarah - Lordie how do we manage to still know each other so well all this time. Laurie, my love for you knows no boundaries. There are more than this. I just haven't said all that in a while.

Testing again

Your Score: Psychotic Visionary

You scored 3 Illogic and 3 Confusion

Congrats! You may be completely delusional, but damn you make it look good. Chances are, you're smart, funny, creative and think way outside the box. Why limit yourself to the mundane, when you can have the magical? Go you! Sadly, other people tend to be a tad freaked out by your awesomeness and thus you are often lonely.

Link: The Complete Non-sequitur Test


I am

When can I fuck someone's shit up?

You're Alia from Dune! Creepy!

You kind of fall into the middle. You’re not quite evil exactly, but maybe you’re not exactly 100% good. You can be direct and forward, but you can also hang back and be manipulative. You’ll take your aggression both active and passive.

Kind of like Alia. While she was still in the womb, her mom took the “Water of Life,” although a better name for it would be the “Water of Supreme Murderous Badass-ery.” This granted Alia all of her ancestral memories while still a fetus, meaning she was smarter than most people before she had shit like toes or a heartbeat.

So, when Alia is feeling direct, she’ll just cut through all the red tape and kill the shit out of you. Like there’s this one time when she was like four years old that she totally kills this giant flying fat man with like just her finger and then she feeds his fat ass to a giant man-eating space worm, giggling softly all the while. There’s no way I could make up something like that.

But she isn’t always that direct. Alia is a master of the “weirding way” which gives her a little power called Voice. It’s capitalized for a reason. Because the power of Voice can make you do whatever she says. Yeah, that’s right. She could just tell you to do something, and you would have to do it. She could be like, hey man, go kiss another dude on the lips, use plenty of tongue, and if she was using Voice, you would totally have to. You would even enjoy it, if she wanted you to (she probably wouldn’t, though). Of course, if you were already gay or a chick she wouldn’t do that. In that case, she’d make you look at a vagina until you were driven insane.

So congrats on being versatile.

PHOTO: Alia and her death-spewing murder finger. Not pictured: Space Worm





& my favorite

Chef on Top Chef is off of the show as of tonight - bloody hell.  I guesss Richard & Steph now.  I dig Richard's "want to go home & make babies" after the kids episode - but I had the crush on Andrew.  Like watching Sam go all over again - though it was suiting that he was on guest judging this episode.

& before you ask - the only chef I like on Hell's Kitchen is Ramsay.  The rest are sucky this cycle.

Really I want to be her...

This gets a special nod



read it 2ce. The second time I want you to just spot out the dates. Write them down. Then insert me, your mom, any other woman you love into the scenario, & then really look at the dates & see how long it takes you to want to have a few heads on a pike outside of your castle/home/apartment/whatever. I hate people.

Simply put: MANDATORY REPORTING MOTHERFUCKERS - they should all lose what ever licenses they hold & never be allowed to work in medicine again. ever. ALL of them.



I was not ok in my head for the end of an era - the last show w/ Sue Johanson. I love this sexy grandma & wish I could be her when I grow up. There we go - new career path... I hope retirement treats her well & that she lives on forever in reruns.

Things that made me smile:

I've generally lost tolerance for political officials. But this dude gets mad props & love. I dig it.

ok i'm up

I'm trying to sleep - I suck.  So I'm watching tv.  May sweeps & all.  I think that I'm just pissy & all the shows this year are really good sex - with a great big interruption (think police show up before the restraints are out but you've already negotiated for damage & clothes are coming off - but you deal with the cops @ the door because they have the wrong addy or whatever - takes longer than u wanted but damned aren't u glad to slide back into bed) - think writer's strike.  & now you're back, you are happy, it's building nicely a few little orgasms, both of you building to the parts you like best... & now it is fucking May & they are all rushing to the end.  Cumming long before you get the fun you were expecting.  Rude motherfuckers.  Rolling over leaving you in the wet spot & grabbing your batteries as they head home for the night tossing a "you knew what this was" over his shoulder.

I WATCH TV.  I LIKE TV.  I KNOW I SUCK - I WAS CHEERING WHEN THE CHUNKY CHICK WON AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL THIS CYCLE.  I had a fangirl moment today hearing Starbuck tell her husband, "frak me" as I caught up on BSG.  I am crowned queen of the year because I remember the newstory that tonight's Law & Order episode was based on & called it as so messed up that even L&O would have a problem w/ continuity.  Took more dialogue to explain it than to actually run thru the charges.  I watch the news with an eye to which series will pull which stories.  I am that girl.  This is all second nature - no brains involved.  

I'M JUST PISSED THERE ISN'T BETTER TV TO WATCH RIGHT NOW.  & truth I know Rose Tyler is about to show up on the Dr & I still have to see Catherine Tate.  & Pushing Daisies is off til Fall.  I'm just saying.  aside from $4/gal gas prices I'm a hateful lil creature.  




All I want right now is quiet.  call me if you want to drop by.  I want sleep - please for more than 3 hours straight.  I want rest.  Just quiet so I can sleep.  Friday and Saturday were both broken up by family nonstop & Sunday the after effects of the same family.  Today people called all day & I love you the people who called.  I just want sleep.  please.  Sleep.  Sweet blissful sleep.  sleep to heal.  Then I will sort out the rest of the world.  With a knife if I have to.  

Just give me 2 days of peace.  To sort my head & life & most of all my body.



The surgeon managed to do the whole thing laparoscopically = I have 4 incisions on my abdomen.  He got out the growth without taking the ovary.  I have all of my bits & pieces except for the growth and the endometriosis that he scraped out.  It hurts.  A lot.  I DO NOT HAVE CANCER!!! - oh happy day.  My brain is still reeling - I will be writing more as I can.  Right now I am going to lie back down.  I just wanted to make sure this intel was out there as well.  Only downside is that we've discovered that I am allergic to Versed - YAY another thing on the list of allergies. My hand that had the IV in it is still a bit more poofy than the 2nd IV site on my other arm.  The incisions and IV sites are healing well - as well as can be anyway.

Overall I'm safe & healing.  THANK YOU for every thought, wish, spell, prayer, energy, and intention that you have sent my way.  I was relaxed & comfortable throughout the experience.  Seriously I am not complaining.  I think that using the mind/body coach was the best idea ever - I've come through this feeling overall very good.



I'm not dead yet.

hi ho hi ho it's off to get cut on i go

I love you.
Thanks for the love.
I'm heading for the hospital.  Surgery first thing this morning.



is the worst stuff i've ever had to drink.

I'm nauseous more so than i have to poo.

I'm pooing clear already.  

can I have the surgery now?


I'm going to be an aunt again!!!

I think I have mentioned this already.  The new addition is going to be a girl!!!

YAY, new baby girl niece for me to love.


I'm alive

Moik is not an axe murderer.  He is in fact wonderful.

Just thought I'd let you all know - more as I focus my brain again.

before surgery hopefully.