The highest compliment I have ever been paid

You are wonderful.
You are brilliant.
You are strong.

You know your truth.
You know your experiences.
You know your own mind.

Yes, there are people who feel intimidated by you, but that's their problem. You raise the bar. You are making and doing. You are moving forward. You ask questions. You expect real answers.
Small, weak, and petty people are threatened by this. They are threatened by people who are making something of their life, instead of playing in elaborate dramas.
Reality is scary as hell. You acknowledge and embrace that while others create masks and lies to pretend it's something else.

You can look at your own scars and flaws with honest eyes, which makes you braver than most. You are real, not perfect, not a false pretense, and that adds to your beauty. You the mountains, not a statue. You are alive and changing, not fixed and calculated. No artifice, no imitations, no plaster facades, you will endure.

You are loved.
You are valued.
You are cherished.

2012 Resolutions.

I have decided to look more carefully at the people I invite into my life for 2012. The following are no longer welcome. I deeply regret having allowed them into my life and am seeking to eliminate their presence as quickly and efficiently as possible.1 Victims: not those who have been the recipient of treatment intended to victimize them - instead those who consistently regard themselves as a victim. People who marinate purposefully in a cauldron of psychological dysfunction. Who whine about the world and complain incessantly about how "put-upon" others make them feel. Those who continually place the blame for their circumstances on everyone but themselves. Blame, excuses, and victimhood are toxic, divisive, and diversionary.

I am responsible for the things I have allowed to happen over the last year & how I chose to react to them. I have reflected extensively in writing as well as in silence seeking to determine what went wrong and when. I do not blame others for the things that I have experienced emotionally. I hold myself accountable for my emotions, my actions. I do hold others accountable for their actions. Analyzing and acknowledging their actions is not the same as refusing to forgive or holding a grudge, at the same time I feel no obligation to forget their past performances, nor to believe that they are not indicative of their future behaviors.

2 Cowards: They will lie to you, lie about you, speak in passive-aggressive diatribes. They seek to hurt and belittle, to do it all behind an anonymous or an obtuse shield as they are too weak to actually face people they wish to hurt. Their own self-determined weakness is not something that I desire to be near.

I allow too many people near me who flock to me to be their voice, to say the things that they are too afraid to voice. I cannot do this anymore. These same cowards are unable to face me directly when they take issue with something I say or do. Instead, this year, they chose to attack others near me or positions I hold. This is unacceptable, I will do my best to be more aware of their capacities and intents in the future.

the end of 2011

1 year ago I was being consistently emotionally manipulated by a man in my life.

Now, I am finally free of the drama and lies and manipulations. No longer beholden to his every tantrum.

1 year ago I trusted friends.

Now, I trust so very very few people.

1 year ago I accepted people into my life w/ little question.

Now, I question every encounter, "Do I really want this person in my life & how far & do I really care if their feelings are hurt when I draw the line for me instead of them.

Breaking bread

I'm at a peace. Calmness rules my internal structure. I have no overwhelming needs/wants that aren't being met. I have no emotional pain/stress, I have some physical pain but it is as handled as possible. Obi is cuddled in close, Hogfather is on the tele, plum wine in my glass, and I feel at rest in the universe. I could use a week of solitude and silence - but that is going to wait for a vaca later this year. An hour in a sensory dep chamber is just not enough to make up for the too much noise that I am surrounded by. Noises...

Thanksgiving brought about a really interesting talk about Misophonia. I suffer from this - in case you have missed my ranting about the desire to vomit or kill brought on by the mouth noises of other people eating with their mouths open, exacerbated by being trapped in small places with them. Picture me pulling my car over & making people throw out their gum when I was driving in highschool. As it is now I purposefully remove myself from eating with people who cannot chew with their mouths closed. At work I place myself as far from certain individuals as possible, at home I eat in my room, when riding/driving in cars I try very hard to be sure I am not along for a drive-thru run if it means eating with others in the car.

For years I have tried to express my disgust, that such noises make me feel nauseous, the general response is for people to not only continue making the noises but to make a sport of it. Laughing because of my obvious discomfort. The end result is that in the future I avoid eating around them. I have been having moments lately wherein I feel like I should apologize for this. I realize that the idea of apologizing for someone else's inability to chew with their mouth closed is ridiculous, pure ridiculousness. I state my needs, have them ignored or made fun of, then simply leave. It does make for awfully strange when in general the only meal I share with others is lunch at work.

Additional thoughts

So, the GPS my work got me for Xmas is freaking awesome. I LOVE IT!!!

As in it tells me where the "safety" cameras are located, it tells me the speed they are set to go off at, and it tells me my speed in relation to the correct speed limit on the screen (granted this is not a super high priority but is fantastically convenient). Add in the fun of telling me specifically what lane I need to be in or will need to be in & I am sold. So work, gave it to me. I had other options, I picked this one. I am exceedingly pleased with the choice and the option. & now of course all I want to do is travel.

6 Month Review today

I pass, with flying colors. I'm winning in all the little ways that I was told I couldn't. That I was under and over qualified, that I wasn't bright enough & of course the ever so condescending - "You're perfect for QA, you don't need to know anything & the people we have doing it are idiots, you'll be great at it". I would love to follow that w/ threats but really the people who said that to me are just out of my life now & not welcome back into it.

Right now, I win. No stress at work, no stress at home, no drama in my romantic life, only mutual respect and love shared with my friends. Best of both worlds.

Randoms tonight

I remember talking to a man. A man who has spent less than an hour seeing me naked, less than that in good light. & that was over 2 years ago, over 2 years since we've been in the same room. I realize that he described my body in detail that I can hardly grasp, from coloration, texture, scent, taste, sound, he noticed. He can articulate them, he's thought of me beyond the moments we spent together. He's wracked his brain trying to find just the right comparisons, the right words to express what he found in me. We've never had sex, never even touched eachother's underwear zones. I don't know that we ever will.

I remember bodies the way that he remembers mine. I remember every detail. EVERYTHING.

I sit here realizing how manipulated I was by my last 2 exes. The first by way of my own poor mental health and the second by way of consistent emotional pushes and twists. Neither of them capable of remembering my eye color. The first because he was incapable of connecting with people and the second by way of simply not caring about me beyond the sexual gratification and free therapy he received from me.

There is a woman in my life. She looks me in the eyes & she tells me she loves me. She describes my eyes, my body, she calls me a catalyst, a force of nature. She says no one can know me & not be changed by the knowing of me. I say the same of her. If I am the hurricane, the unstoppable force that changes everything in my path, she is the single flap of a butterfly's wings, altering the world in almost imperceptible ways that have huge results. I love her dearly. She asks questions, she not only wants to know the answers but she listens & then asks the next questions... She analyzes herself & others; like I do only differently. She is constantly looking at herself & figuring out if she likes what she is & where she is & changes it if she is not ok with it. She changes! She touches everything she changes everything she touches, and so on. Seriously I can count on one hand the number of people in my life who actually look at things & purposefully alter them. She has the courage to do & to be & to live. I love her for inspiring me.

yes

I'm happy. I'm joi. I'm riding the fabulous mostly stressless social life. Life without being constantly emotionally manipulated - like this time last year - I have stresses and pains - physical in nature, frets and worries about a few people I love who are not the best healthwise. Still many things I cannot talk about. I will. Obi is safe purring next to me. D is a giant ball of fluff nearby.

I am not bringing a great revelation right this second. The drives to and from work have been filled with thoughts of work. I really like it there. I know, enough & all that, but I really love it there. Standing desk in place, a firm-ish group of friends to lunch with, interesting things to constantly learn. Not absolutely perfect, but so much better than so many of the places I've been in the last few years.

oh happy day

There are a few posts between this & the last which will be published with time. But I wanted to interject my absolute joi. I am in love with myself & those closest to me. I am currently dressing for the party tonight. I am excited and joiful at the prospects of fun before me. Just needed to share. I even received my lab results today & my numbers are all where I expected them to be - which means good, just barely within the limits of good but good nonetheless.

On a side note - I think my animal spirit guide for 2011-2012 is the Honey Badger. Having finally accepted this, the strength & peace is wonderful.

This piece from last November

Apparently bears repeating:

If you don't like it or are taking my writing personally - stop reading. - I don't force the people I have in mind when I do write to the living, to read it, Jase, Wes, feel free to chime in on that one as you are usually the peeps I have in mind. For all others, this is not for you. This is for me & the people that I care about, continuing to read my writing for some strange ammunition, for more of my "hurtful hidden messages meant just for you", etc... Is officially discouraged.

This is not a syndicated blog or a blog that has a readership/following - frankly most of my friends do not trouble themselves to read it. Least not the ones who interact with me often IRL.

Also: reading my posts on here or any other social media & deciding you know what is going on in my life is ridiculous. You get a corner, a snippet of what I can or am allowed to discuss in these forums. Nothing more. If you actually want to know more I can always be contacted directly about it.

I now return to my usual processing & drama-free existence.

Today at work

I did it, I managed to rock out more than anyone on my team. This means that 1/2 my team was there only half time or that they were recovering from serious throat/head colds, and the rest were feverishly working on other projects... So maybe not too much to be excited over, BUT I completed a bunch of points off of the sprint & managed to read 2 chapters in one of my required reading books, AND reread the first chapter of the book for the professional book club I've become a part of which meets tomorrow. I feel like I am starting to be competent at work. It has been almost 120 days since I started. It is still the best place on Earth to be working, for me at least, right now - after a ridiculous lunch of a slice of chicken club pizza and a salad, I enjoyed a fabulous massage to my lower back and piriformis. I feel really really good right this moment.

Of course saying all that - I am about to clean the carpet in my room for the 3rd time in 3 weeks. Somehow the cats dumped the litterbox over AND Obi was up all night every few hours puking. It was terrifying waking to her, but she seems to be ok today.

Then there will be booze and a nice hot shower. Snuggling under covers and then the new Torchwood on Netflix streaming. Really, I am feelin the warm and safe.

& My Baby Sis's bday is today & A certain housemate got great news. Seriously. I just want this down as an awesome day.