Which came first?

The shoddy treatment of employees? The high pressure sales techniques for books of all things?  The dedication to mediocrity?  What brought the downfall of the Border-mart?

This weekend

I like a boi who does not like me.  oi - it happens, every day.  ** the following story has nothing to do with the boi who turned out to not be as into me as I was into him.  I realized on the reread that it gave the wrong impression.  I heart Phill in Ann Arbor just as he is & have no "intentions" towards him.

I travelled to Ann Arbor to enjoy a gracious gentleman who not only took me dancing but stroked my hair while we watched a movie - I needed that.  I needed to be touched by someone who was not a medical professional and was not trying to "get anywhere" with me.  Just a friend.  A much needed & appreciated friend.  I loved the time we spent.  We watched Casshern & as the camera panned out at one point I said it reminded me of Diamond Age - he understood what I was talking about.  When the camera showed us vats of neo cells to grow human parts it reminded me of the vats that the clones are grown in during Transmetropolitan - he understood that as well.  It was so nice to be understood.  On the drive home I was struck by just how much I had needed that.  To be appreciated for me and not for misunderstood promises of sex, or just because I stood by when others ran, or because it feels good to have a girl go gaga over you.  I slept alone on the couch with the cats (really sweet blue-eyed cats) wandering in & out.  It was just a much needed moment of time.

I'm afraid & worried about what the hell my body is doing - bleeding for almost 3 weeks, full cramps & menses symptoms.  Tests all done/being done & I have no idea what the results are yet.  My arm is still bruised from the blood draw.  & this weekend my gracious host was understanding of the fact that I was a weak creature & the dancing wore me out.  One freakin hour of dancing wore me out - I just feel lame as Hell for that one.  Still feeling alone here.
I cleaned and puttered around the house today got groceries & handled a few of the nagging lil oddities that I have to do within normal world business hours.  Pretending to be all grown up.  Today is one of those days where I feel like I am failing that miserably.  I don't take failure well.  Appetite is shot.  Sleep is coming & then we'll see what tomorrow may bring.  

Things I don't miss from my last job

Knowing that my patients on BWC were out doing stupid things & not being able to prove it or do anything about it. This makes me giggle. Stupid jackass - I hope he loses everything when they get the money back that he's been living off of the lazy son of a bitch.


How long does it take to decide that the man who put the child in the microwave (to protect it from himself of course) AND turns the microwave on permanently disfiguring the child who is lucky enough to still be alive after being "cooked" and the lies told denying her proper medical care deserves to be killed or at least beaten daily for the rest of his life?

apparently more than 5 minutes - shocking.


Best thing ever

@ my ultrasound today the tech turned the monitor & I watched my bladder fill up - ehhemmm I WATCHED MY BLADDER FILL UP!!! It was freakin awesome. Tthe pic below kinda shows what I saw - only it has a fistula which is why in the pic the black space in the middle isn't shaped like the perfect onion-shape that mine is. & in mine both ureters were spurting into the bladder - this shows just one mid-spurt, in between spurts it just looks like an empty space - I wish I had mine on video - It was the visual of what I was feeling going on inside me - ME! - MY INNARDS!!! Just awesome. BEST PELVIC & TRANSVAGINAL ULTRASOUND EVER!!!


What price the cost?

4,000 of us lost.
80,000 to 90,000 of them lost.
How many injured on the inside, the outside, will we ever know?

The news just told me that Washington's statement released said that the plans in place will bring about changes that are worth the cost of these lives.

How is that possible?
How can that be?
What is worth that many lives?

Where is the public outrage - the screaming in the streets? the broken lives in every set of eyes?

We are all too busy working. Too busy trying to make enough money to get enough gas to make it to the next paycheck. It is really the perfect combination. We are too busy trying to keep our homes and groceries and lifestyles to complain too loudly or notice too clearly. Too worried about everything else.

Today I roll from side to side in my little box in a drug induced haze - so happy for the meds. I've been bleeding for 2 weeks now - I dread returning to increased pain tomorrow, but my limbs are intact, I'm still alive. Just baffled by all of this.

I'm up

Hurts - inside. Physically.

Emotionally I'm crying a lil. Just struck by the memory of sitting up in the middle of the night and someone missing me in bed. I want a warm body to curl up with. DiFranco is perched over me on the comforters purring in that lil half purr half meow he does trying to sort out why I am not sitting still enough for him to sleep on. I had a really nice vid/talk visit w/ Moik overseas. I've accepted the invitation to go salsa dancing next weekend & I am eyeing flights to New Orleans - least to bring him to me to find out the possibility.

& yet I feel very very alone right now. not lonely - wanting company. Just alone feeling it, taking it out & trying it on like an old pair of jeans that I forgot to wash so they slide on like an old lover hugging my curves, caressing my flesh.


On the war

The anniversary of the start of the war. I don't have eloquent rants, I don't have anything but deep wrenching sobs that come from the center of my chest and rip forth from my lips. I think FeartheReaper sums it up pretty well. Somewhere tween the pain and the fear and the loss and the destruction I get lost. I don't understand on some base level why this is happening. And not that it is some far off thing. Thanks to my mother's choice of history classes during her Bachelor's I grok Vietnam as much as a childe my age can possibly understand it. But this, I have no words. I have nothing left but pain. And I know there is no answer, no goal, no safe and easy way out or through. I have fear for those I love and those innocents. I don't understand. I don't get how we became so self-centered, so closed-minded, so lost in our own greed. Just so damned blind.

I hear Alabama 3 ringing in my head -
"sing a song for the asylum seeker
for the frightened baby on some foreign beach
you'd better bang a gong and pray
they reach a safe harbour"



Happy Spring
Merry love to all
I'm curled up against the soon to be arriving snow



Arthur C Clarke is dead.
He lived to the ripe old age of 90.
I'm just sad, I cried at my desk at work when I saw it.
Such a great gift he shared with us all. From magic to science & science to magic, I hope his works continue to inspire this world to grow.


Happy Pi Day!!!



Only in America

Only in fucking America would a woman's phobia be enough to leave her grown onto a toilet seat. GROWN ONTO A TOILET SEAT. Let me say that again slower... GROWN ONTO A TOILET SEAT....hmmm how to get you to picture this: Do you remember the movie Se7en? Remember the guy who was tied to the bed & died of Sloth? And he was grown into the bed... his body had grown into his restraints. That is what this woman did on her own. She was able to get up anytime physically but chose not to... CHOSE - SHE CHOSE TO ALLOW HER FLESH TO GROWN INTO THE TOILET SEAT.

That's all I can say - feh.

Fuck this

OK I am not an angel. In the contemporary Judeo-Christian-Islamic sense of the word. But seriously "NEW deadly sins"? Seriously. Shouldn't there be less? - Doesn't ALL of it just boil down to treating other people the way you'd like to be treated? Isn't it obvious? Hmmmm it is interesting though that the party line for so long has been that the Earth and all it contains is there for man's use. Which has meant that it is to be used & discarded w/ no thought to the future for the longest time. Interesting but leaves me pissy - I just do not like anything that has come out of the new pope. I'm hanging here waiting on pins & needles wondering why blowjobs and buttsex weren't on the list. When will the whole of the law be "an ye harm none"? When will it not "boil down to" but actually be "respect and tolerate"?

Why I have indoor cats...

& why my apartment is less tidy...


I'm up

I've been going to bed early for the last week or so (before midnight) and i've been waking up at around 0300. I'm up lost for a bit then go back to sleep. Seems to just interrupt things - no terrors. I'm thinking that maybe it is time to see if the AmbienCR is covered by my new pharma formulary.


Reesers update:

She is out of the hospital & back home per mom. Doing better, but still not totally ok.


My little Reese

My niece who is all of 15 months and 7 days old is in the hospital and on IVs & they don't know what is wrong exactly. She is in isolation at the hospital back home & I am snowed in here in the land of Cleve. Just something to fret over. Oi. Mom sent this pic she looks like an angel. But then she always does. On the upside the roads back home aren't as bad as here. YAY!!! & My sis is doing ok (Reese's mom is pregnant) and my other niece Rylee is doing well. Oi.



It has taken a while to digest but I think this says it all...

Goodbye Gary.


Exhumed for your pleasure...

I heart Padre Pio - I just wish that they could let his body go to the worms & return him to the cycle of life instead of setting him apart from it.

What the fuck?

how the fuck are these people on the street & who the fuck are the jurors who didn't ask for the death penalty?
Whatever jail she ends up in - i want her in general pop, & i want someone to leak it to the mothers incarcerated there exactly why she is there. I want her dead.


ahhh first vote of this national election year...

"Imagine you're locked in a huge underground nightclub filled with sinners, whores, freaks and unnameable things that rape pitbulls for fun. and you ain't allowed out until you all vote on what your'e going to do tonight. You like to put your feet up and watch "Republican Party Reservation." They like to have sex with normal people using knives, guns, and brand new sexual organs that you did not know existed. So you vote for television and everyone else, as far as your eyes can see, votes to fuck you with switchblades. That's voting - any questions?"
-Ellis via Spider Jerusalem

So I voted in the primary today instead of tomorrow since I will have to be on the way to work when the polls open and on the way home from work when they close tomorrow.

I hate the state of things. Just for the record.