Fun Facts

There comes a moment after someone hurts me that my blood stops boiling. There comes a moment after the attack when my blood turns to ice. I stop feeling hurty & fiery bright passions, I stop replaying the conversations & signs & moments & realizations of the usery over & again. The calm comes & I cease to care. I actively cease to care about this person regardless of how close they had been or how much their feelings, tender egos, emotional state in general mattered to me. It is from this place I take actions. I cut people out of my life permanently. I am vindictive, I revel in their pain, regardless of the cause.

Like all lovely bad karma boomerangs it has always come back on them. I see all the paths, I desire to follow them all, to destroy reputations, to destroy friendships, etc... BUT I know I will breathe and wait. Everything becomes about patience - not with myself but with the other.
In the darkness, in the calm I hear the familiar tones of that great revenant mystery clear as a gong in the mountains at night:

"The panther paces.

Waiting reminds him that clarity is painful
but his pain is unreadable,
obscure, chiaroscuro to their human senses.

In time they will misread his gait,
his moon mad eyes,
the almost gentle way his tail caresses the bars.

In time they will mistake him
for someone else-
without history,
without the shadow of being,
a creature without penance of living.

They will read only his name.

They will be unable to perceive
what strangeness
lies beneath his patience.

Patience is the darkest side of power.

He is dark.
He is black.
He is exquisitely powerful.

He has made pain his lover
and hidden her completely.

Now he will never forget.

She will give birth to memories
they believe he has been broken of.

He smells the new rain,
tastes its change.

His claw skates along
the cold floor.

Love curled up and died
on such a floor.

He blinks.
Clarity improves.

He hears other creatures scream and fade.
But silence is his.

He knows.

In time the gates will open.
In time his heart will open.

Then the shadows will bleed
and the locks will break..."


Big Fat Effin lines that you ought not to cross...

and expect to keep a friendship with me. These have been a long time in coming, but I am happy to have a handy dandy version written up so that there is no misconceptions later on down the lines.

In no particular order:
Lie to me.
Lie about me.
Lie to me.
Make baseless accusations at me, my character, this falls under lying about me as well.
Lie to me.
Show no respect for my needs/feelings while expecting me to respect yours.
Lie to me.
Willfully hurt those that I love.
Lie to me.
Cut communications with me.
Lie to me.

So here we goes

Guess what happens when you cut communications with me? - I lock you & your issues in a box & throw a stamp on it. Once enough time has passed I burn it & you out of my life. Because I am worth more than the sucking black hole you have turned out to be.


I am no longer willing to be devalued

Latest in the Most Selfish Man on Earth saga: started hassling me tonight because I said something in front of him that made him uncomfortable. He started at 2200. I have a test tomorrow, a week of tests this week, so of course I am prepared at a moment's notice to re-evaluate my entire relationship w/ him & both of our behavior since then. I am prepared to have a rational discussion aka measured words so that I am not causing him purposeful pain. I acknowledged this as I realized some of my responses were getting sharp. He then decided that this meant that I no longer valued him as a human being & accused me of interrupting his involvements w/ others. I have tried really really hard not to do so. So at midnight - at fucking midnight: He stated that he couldn't trust me being around & then brought up 2 "incidents" from over a month ago - that he'd been clearly holding onto w/ no intentions of bringing up in an other than accusatory manner. At any point if I had offended him he could have said something - he didn't.


I am sick of dealing with his fragile fucking ego & being nice & being kind. I call him selfish. He is selfish. He has behaved in a selfish manner in his interactions with me. He wants to "salvage our friendship" but then only has any interest in this when I do something that he finds displeasing. WTF - I'm supposed to trust that shit???

& now suddenly just like before he has no interest in it. Funny that load of bullshit he'd tried so hard to sell me tonight.

I am worth more than this crap.