Breaking bread

I'm at a peace. Calmness rules my internal structure. I have no overwhelming needs/wants that aren't being met. I have no emotional pain/stress, I have some physical pain but it is as handled as possible. Obi is cuddled in close, Hogfather is on the tele, plum wine in my glass, and I feel at rest in the universe. I could use a week of solitude and silence - but that is going to wait for a vaca later this year. An hour in a sensory dep chamber is just not enough to make up for the too much noise that I am surrounded by. Noises...

Thanksgiving brought about a really interesting talk about Misophonia. I suffer from this - in case you have missed my ranting about the desire to vomit or kill brought on by the mouth noises of other people eating with their mouths open, exacerbated by being trapped in small places with them. Picture me pulling my car over & making people throw out their gum when I was driving in highschool. As it is now I purposefully remove myself from eating with people who cannot chew with their mouths closed. At work I place myself as far from certain individuals as possible, at home I eat in my room, when riding/driving in cars I try very hard to be sure I am not along for a drive-thru run if it means eating with others in the car.
For years I have tried to express my disgust, that such noises make me feel nauseous, the general response is for people to not only continue making the noises but to make a sport of it. Laughing because of my obvious discomfort. The end result is that in the future I avoid eating around them. I have been having moments lately wherein I feel like I should apologize for this. I realize that the idea of apologizing for someone else's inability to chew with their mouth closed is ridiculous, pure ridiculousness. I state my needs, have them ignored or made fun of, then simply leave. It does make for awfully strange when in general the only meal I share with others is lunch at work.


Additional thoughts

So, the GPS my work got me for Xmas is freaking awesome. I LOVE IT!!!

As in it tells me where the "safety" cameras are located, it tells me the speed they are set to go off at, and it tells me my speed in relation to the correct speed limit on the screen (granted this is not a super high priority but is fantastically convenient). Add in the fun of telling me specifically what lane I need to be in or will need to be in & I am sold. So work, gave it to me. I had other options, I picked this one. I am exceedingly pleased with the choice and the option. & now of course all I want to do is travel.

6 Month Review today

I pass, with flying colors. I'm winning in all the little ways that I was told I couldn't. That I was under and over qualified, that I wasn't bright enough & of course the ever so condescending - "You're perfect for QA, you don't need to know anything & the people we have doing it are idiots, you'll be great at it". I would love to follow that w/ threats but really the people who said that to me are just out of my life now & not welcome back into it.

Right now, I win. No stress at work, no stress at home, no drama in my romantic life, only mutual respect and love shared with my friends. Best of both worlds.


Randoms tonight

I remember talking to a man. A man who has spent less than an hour seeing me naked, less than that in good light. & that was over 2 years ago, over 2 years since we've been in the same room. I realize that he described my body in detail that I can hardly grasp, from coloration, texture, scent, taste, sound, he noticed. He can articulate them, he's thought of me beyond the moments we spent together. He's wracked his brain trying to find just the right comparisons, the right words to express what he found in me. We've never had sex, never even touched eachother's underwear zones. I don't know that we ever will.

I remember bodies the way that he remembers mine. I remember every detail. EVERYTHING.
I sit here realizing how manipulated I was by my last 2 exes. The first by way of my own poor mental health and the second by way of consistent emotional pushes and twists. Neither of them capable of remembering my eye color. The first because he was incapable of connecting with people and the second by way of simply not caring about me beyond the sexual gratification and free therapy he received from me.
There is a woman in my life. She looks me in the eyes & she tells me she loves me. She describes my eyes, my body, she calls me a catalyst, a force of nature. She says no one can know me & not be changed by the knowing of me. I say the same of her. If I am the hurricane, the unstoppable force that changes everything in my path, she is the single flap of a butterfly's wings, altering the world in almost imperceptible ways that have huge results. I love her dearly. She asks questions, she not only wants to know the answers but she listens & then asks the next questions... She analyzes herself & others; like I do only differently. She is constantly looking at herself & figuring out if she likes what she is & where she is & changes it if she is not ok with it. She changes! She touches everything she changes everything she touches, and so on. Seriously I can count on one hand the number of people in my life who actually look at things & purposefully alter them. She has the courage to do & to be & to live. I love her for inspiring me.