Friends & Neighbors

Let's take a moment to revisit an old and well worn theme of mine: alone

I'm alone, very very alone.  I've been here before & I'll be here again - right now I am awake in an empty bed - the cuddlesharks are circling elsewhere.  I do not want random bed filler, I do not even want a random friend to fill in, I do not want an interest interested in filling in or filling themselves but only if I maintain a tertiary or secondary role in their lives/relationships.  I want what I've lost, I want what I am worth, I want what I want & as I'm oft found quoting "it's good to want things" - it lets me put a finer tooth on the details.  finer tooth, sharper tooth, lets me bite deeper.  even if I'm only biting myself - if i leave a big enough scar maybe i'll remember why i was biting to begin with.  i sleep safely alone.  that much i feel - even when I am with others - the sleep isn't as deep, the rest not as real - I'm aware, of other bodies, other breath, other dangers.  I tell myself if i almost feel like i slept well - then it was good, but I know there are other arms just past consciousness that i still fall into - I was dozing - fading a few moments ago, awakening with Johnny's name on my lips.  Reste avec moi dupuis je reve, pas'd ici, mais apres, apres maintenant, quand je reve apres ici.  A mon coeur...  His scent in my nose, that somehow manly scent of unspent youth, wounded boi, strong man, musky yet clean, sweaty yet enticing.  The man's phermones should have been bottled or at least never ingrained in me.  Fingers finding bare comforter instead of thick hair, and a skin i have yet to work out of my fingers.  I can count on one hand the skins that are burned onto my hands - Johnny, Adam, Michael, David - all far gone from my life 3 of the 4 are dead, but my hands remember - always searching for that skin again.  Lips searching for that kiss, that kiss that understands me & knows me & wants me, soft like a brush w/ the softest spider silk, strong enough to steal my breath & stop my heart & weaken my knees.  vibration straight thru me like standing on the rooftop watching fireworks explode 200 yards away - or standing too close to an o-daiko.  A body to cling to strong enough to hold me, weak enough to need me to steady.  I hear the echo of his voice, whispering his last words in my ear, tripping down my ears the consonants spiralling down to my inner labyrinths, being locked away, surfacing as i float to & from wakefulness.  Replaying less & less with each passing year just to come screaming in volume unbidden in the middle of nothingness.  

I don't do this everyday.  I'm just a touch on the lonely side of alone right this second and I am honored by the love that is offered.  but as Garrison Keillor has ranted before me - it's just not enough these simple compliments - I crave more.  I crave so much more than what I'm finding or allowing or allowed right now.  I crave a safe peace somewhere warm.  & not alone.  Not in this bed alone.  I crave...

Now back to your regularly scheduled rants & musings...



it is 40 out - a full 25 degrees colder now than 12 hours ago

What the fuck? Ohio weather - WHAT THE FUCK? - really i think that is why i'm going to curl back up to sleep...


I've been up for 2 hours - since 0700 - according to what I can sort out my power went out at 0606 - the dvr caught the first 6 mins of the 0600 tv show i was trying to record.  I awoke in darkness - feeling something soft off the end of the bed w/ my foot - my first thought was - oh noes there is a pillow against the space heater -until i paused & oriented myself to the room & realized that my feet were at the other end of the bed.  Once things were back on (0745) I found eggs for breakfast, turned on the tv to find something to put me back to sleep & grabbed the computer to check in - my computer showed no interwebs.  I have spent the last hour and a half sorting out what exactly needed to be done between the Airport & the modem & the cable company exactly what I needed to refresh & reset after an hour and 40 mins w/o power this morning.  All is well in me universe - clearly working again - I really really really like my internets - the tubes are good to me and so I thank the tubes.  For now I'm going back to sleep - I'm freakin tired & cold.


About fucking time

Literally seems the theme is time oriented - but it looks to be joious - the Case Film Society has finally fucking posted the schedule for Sci Fi Marathon this year - I'm going - WHO IS COMING WITH ME???

& yes I want to make out w/ someone


I have a cart & cooler - I'm plotting on an air mattress, the same area for setting up as last year, I'm tossing in a crock pot & bag of frozen meatballs & jarred marinara sauce - I figure throw them in together & 4-6 hours on low later we have delicious goodness to smear/smoosh on bread - I guess I need bread too.  $$$ or other crock goodies & we could have lil corner of hot food & love.  Talk to me to sort details.  I can live w/o making out w/ anyone, just a disappointment in the human race in general that I'm sleeping alone tonight.  Hmmm limes for my Dr Pepper & ice for at least the first night - I like ice.  



Good bye

Eartha Kitt has left us as well - sadness, just sadness.


I'm in bed - curled up with the cuddlesharks - wishing I was not alone, about to watch "The Strangers" - I've already enjoyed "Death Race" today - I remember watching "Death Race 2000" when I was a kid so much joi.  

I'm a bit floaty - I hope all of you taking a few mins to read this find a lil peace, maybe more than a little, maybe enough to share a bit as the holidays round out today with Solstice, Chanukah, and Christmas, all passing by so quickly.  

Solstice this year was marked by ritual in the woods with friends - it was beautiful and strong and a lot of what I needed inviting the sun back into my world.  

Christmas I head to my mother's home to celebrate tomorrow - I get to see my sisters, brother-in-law, and my nieces, one of whom I have not yet met.  I'm rather excited to see them.  


Remember this?

well this?  Get this - I acted the grown up & dropped it, I did not call him & bother him, I caught the hint that he was not into me & acted in a mature manner - the guy just IMed me - started talking like we were friends, like I in any way am emotionally invested enough to care that he is alone & has had a rough day.  I'm alone, I've had a rough month or three...

SERIOUSLY: It is like being picked last on the playground by the boi you have a crush on - on one hand you want to go and play because you sort of like him, on the other hand there is the fucking insulting manner he chose to spend time with you.  as a kid I might have just accepted it & played - as a grown up I resent the implication that I am worth anything less.  

I'm taking my Capt's 100 Proof  & heading for the bathtub, to read some Borges & be reminded that finding a lil physical comfort in this world is not always the most complicated thing ever.  Wish Patrick & Sarah were here to join me.  mmmmmmm  so simply delightful.  


Another Saturday night...

I am awake - I feel pretty ok

I stayed awake after work today - instead of scurrying home i stopped by & signed up for my year's membership @ the fitness center at work.  Paid for by my employee health plan.  Once I make 10 visits a month for the next 10 months I will be handed $100 by my employer for my efforts to take better care of myself.  SERIOUSLY - it is 1 block out of my way to and from work at the new ofc.  FREE, FREE PARKING - which seriously I'm talking about the Cleveland Clinic on main campus - they don't do that.  They charge for EVERYTHING.  AND they are going to give me $100 for showing up.  I really think anyone not willing to do this is from my position is an idiot.  I get to start Monday morning before work - bright & early  - many laps then off to open the ofc.  I hope it works.  When I walked thru today there was no one in the pool - blew my mind.  All I want to do is to swim laps til I'm exhausted.  Physical exhaustion will be so much nicer than this mindless mind exhaustion that I'm currently struggling thru.  

***Oh and I just took a dump the size of a birthday cake...

My insanity

View outside my building: lil deer gettin their grub on...  Well crappy cell phone pic of one

View from my desk: I see trees in the atrium & hear the fountain 2 stories below me.



Meet Aughra my new GPS - I picked it up for about half of what it is selling for now over the Black Friday madness.  More beneficial than I can mention in regards to getting me to and from work on the eastside which i am totally unfamiliar with than I can put properly into words.


Bettie's gone.  Tears.  By today's standards she'd be fat.  I love her beauty & grace, smile & joi.  Just stunning icon.


I am

moved into the new office.

My commute is doubled & I hate it - Waaaay to much driving on surface streets - it is tolerable on the early AM portion - but anything after 0700 sucks ass.  Too much traffic on the roads.

There is a gorgeous view from my desk - into the atrium, skylight, fountain down below on the first floor, much shrubbery - very nice

I dig the chick who is sitting next to me, very very sweet.  

I hate being so strangely isolated from everyone else - I must stay put to answer phones - I feel strange running to the restroom & just getting coffee is a hike to the back of the building, past 12 treatment rooms & into the big copy/mailroom.  

Soooo many new people & not nearly as friendly as I would have liked - so I am playing the "I'm sweet & nice & love me" game w/ them all.  Shhhhh they don't know yet what a hateful vindictive bitch I am.

Just thought I'd share.  I'm broken & awaiting Solstice w/ every breath.

& Wayne, dearest mostest favorite cousin without whom I would be much less happy in life (thank you), I now own a copy of Hogfather on DVD - I'll look into hooking you up with a copy - I heart it soooooo much, thank you for pointing it out to me.



Just tryin to hide for a minute, but I'm always found - not complaining. - hold me.