Mardi Gras, finally

I'm back again @ Mardi Gras, finishing out all the old. I've confronted all that I can confront (can't be held responsible for cowards). I love the freedom tomorrow brings, the focus to finish everything undone. I needed that. I need the ritual letting go of everything that has been unresolved. I regret allowing the pain from trusting liars but I don't regret the exercise of the trust. If that makes sense - it does to me but my brain might be hearing all the inflections, filling in, speaking the tongues of the olde gods as I say it. I hate that in trusting the good in people I was hurt so badly this year. Whether it was the slandering of my name or the horrible things done by former coworkers. Strangely the slander continues, although from a new source. I've gone from slut stealing men to judgemental bitch to drama causing psycho. Damned but don't I get around. However objectively interesting I find it that anyone would waste a breath on a lie let alone lies so ridiculous about me. I can only hope that in falling for some of the manipulations I didn't cause as much pain to others as they caused me. I've faced my mistakes & forgiven myself & others all that I'm able.

When looking at how much I've lost this year it is hard to sort a sacrifice for Wednesday. I'm hoping inspiration will strike tween now & then. My heart sits in someone else's hands, my possessions sit in someone else's space, I'm living in someone else's house, so much has been given up; control, independence, stability, peace of mind, gone. I feel stripped, it'll be interesting to see what the sacrifice will be. I feel the strength of the thing - like 12 years ago, for the piercing sacrifice, just building & building. The power, the energy coming together searching for focus.


Alee said...

I love the part about regretting the pain but not the exercise of the trust.

Jezcabelle said...

Well, even 3 years ago I never would have allowed people to get that close to me so quickly. I had to give it a try. I think it started w/ K&K in Pitt & the whole clan of friends I've gained thru them. I love them all dearly & they have only ever supported & loved me in return. I applied the same open approach to the people I started meeting here. It was a bad move, but one I needed to make. The people who hurt me this year did it on purpose, they actually set out to hurt me. My pains weren't incidental. It wasn't an accident or misunderstanding. Whether to assassinate my character in an attempt to silence me or an exercise of jealousy brought on by a guilty conscience I needed to have that happen. It is important that I found out the true nature of these people now rather than later.