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20.2.10

Mardi Gras update of sorts


Not even a week into my new year - tonight I was screamed at in public. Literally a woman stood & yelled, first in my face, then as she moved further away towards the door turning to yell more & more before finally leaving. I didn't clap but a lady in the back did. I'm so happy she did, it let me breathe. I hadn't realized I was holding my breath. I thought it was done - I took a deep breath in October & moved past it - apparently I was the only one. I was calm & tried not to lose my shit. I was accused of a lot of things tonight. I "get close to people, get them to tell me their secrets, and then go out of my way to cause drama & meddle in their affairs". I am a "fucking judgemental bitch". I was in the same rant both insecure & magnanimous, I was supposed to know that Jay was a liar, in fact I'm stupid for not knowing that he lies & yet I should have trusted his lies completely after I found out. Literally the same set of sentences.

I started it all by answering her questions, that is what set her off. I didn't answer the way she wanted me to. Perhaps my style of communication or just that I thought she was asking for more than a superficial comment. I was so careful not to ask any questions because she was already showing hostility & I didn't want to egg her on. That was horrible of me & just made her continue to lose her shit all over me. I listened to what she said, nodding & acknowledging, trying to understand what she was on about. To glean what she wanted from me to calm down & stop. She didn't want to stop. She just wanted to hurt me as much as she could as long as she could & it made her crazier that I didn't let her force me into reacting.

**Laurie if you remember that last fight w/ Scott before I moved out - before I knew he'd stolen the cat. It was like that only she did not call me fat & it took place in public.

I didn't scream back. I didn't yell or raise my voice - I did laugh loudly @ the end of the night as I walked to my car & she continued yelling @ me (her storming out earlier in the evening was just for show). I couldn't resist it. That was weak - I know it was, I knew it as I did it. Felt a lil Cap'n Tightpants only bein "alright" instead of a "good man" @ the end of Shindig. I didn't call her names or flip her off - that took effort. I held my tongue thru a lot of really nasty things that this woman had been holding onto for goddess knows how long. There is a part of me that wishes I'd have known for sure this was what she had in mind - I might have skipped tonight. BUT then it would have just continued, the online attacks she's been pulling since last Saturday, and of course all the crap she's been harboring against me. Last time I physically saw her in December she was a font of compliments. Granted she'd been drinking. My hand didn't come off of the railing, I didn't trust it. Maybe I caused all of this in not lying & pretending that I feel other than as I do. I held back so many things I would have loved to say - But rationale had clearly left the building - she just wanted to keep on attacking. & yeah I know in my heart it was a lot of lashing out, a lot of unwarranted abuse coming from within her not caused by me, but it still hurt. It didn't hurt as bad as the unexpected attacks last fall. AND for a change it was all about me. She wasn't attacking others to get to me, just me. I can take it. Maybe that is the silver lining. I'm back to trusting, truly trusting maybe 25 people on the planet. And I've spent more time with other people in the last 5 months than the last 5 years combined. If I were a fraction of all she accused me of I'd be living in a cardboard box.

Sooooo, my dearest Mardi Gras gods, could I have a do-over? I want this to be let go of. I don't want this fight I can't fight because the rules are apparently: Attack Jessica constantly & allow for no perspective or discussion. No rationale only blind psychotic attacks. I still don't understand what I did to set her off a week ago. So a Mardi Gras do-over please. If I write it out I could burn up my entire supply of flash paper... Huhmmm, I know it is too late but I need to acknowledge that the begging is crossing my mind. & before the Roman collars collectively speak up, I know that forgiveness doesn't require a time of year or date or contrition for absolution. OK maybe that last bit... I know that like I breathe. I've tied it into the holiday not you, or heaven forfend the Church. This is gonna take at least a dip in a body of live water to let go of. & even then, I have that nagging in the back of my skull that I worked so hard to get over this past fall that I can't believe this really happened. Even writing this trying to make it real it feels like a bad dream.

4 comments:

Sean said...

I take it this is the person we talked about last Friday?

By the way, I beg to differ with your self-evaluation of your writing skills.

Jezcabelle said...

Oh yes her psychotic attack. It doesn't go into how she manipulated her ex into bringing her for the event - she'd planned that attack since at least the wednesday before it happened.

Some days I love what I write, some days I read some Borges & feel ummm less.

Sean said...

Comparing yourself to literary greats, who spent decades focusing just on their writing, isn't really a fair comparison. Like I tell my students, as with so many other things in life, you have to let yourself be a bad writer if you want to become a good writer.

Coming to SMART tonight?

Jezcabelle said...

I doubt I'll ever be a "fair" judge of myself. But I'll always be accurate comparing myself as I do others.

Skipping SMART - had planned to go, too exhausted & cold & sick of driving w/ crud on the roads, I want to eat egg drop soup, curl up, drink hot chai w/ rum & cayenne, & just not move for the night.