Awake since 0230. I'm tired, headachey, sinusy, sore throaty, hot in my head, & cold in my limbs. Just checking in, my C5 vertebrae just popped into place & I hear the wind & rain outside. Hopefully less snow. It was slushy on the drive home last night. I'm hungry. I had Red Threat for supper last night. My housemate is finally kicking off some merchandise for sale that is starting online & will eventually have a physical storefront (color me proud beyond words). At some point I will have delicious pics of the tree up. There is a part of me that wants to do a Strange Fruit homage w/ a lil wire noose in a tree. I see the image in my head & get chills. I dunno if that makes me sick or some kind of freak. I realize 90% of my world will not get the reference. I started comparing my tree to the old psych test of "draw a tree". I'm wondering at all of the ideas that I have, of all the things I want to incorporate into it.

I'm wanting iced caramel latte when I get up today. I showered before bed - fell right under afterwards. Wes called at 0400 - threatening to come cuddle me til I fall back to sleep. $ says he'll be here soon, showing up in the middle of the night, crawling in next to me. Not tonight, most likely this weekend. He's worried. I am too. The fear of the last month has only been equivalent to the fear when I found out my rapist was stalking me again. That was long before I started writing this. I fail for words to describe how much the recent verbal assault harkens back to that period. The emotional traumas clawing back from deep inside. I saw him dead - I poked the corpse - somehow, some nights it doesn't help. I feel like I've been locked inside a trap for so long & I've finally succeeded in gnawing off my arm to get out. Now to figure out how to live without it, how to protect the damaged limb from others seeking to hurt me.

So parcel arrived - sheet sets & the Watchmen from Woody -the subtleties are not lost on me. Sleep more & stop letting people commit illegal acts. It is 0500 - I'm gonna try to catch a touch of sleep before work.


Indychick said...

Ok, so I have been away from your blog for a few weeks due to the massive amounts of sporting events taking place in Indy this month. (sorry about that) I have come to a conclusion about your life that I hope you have come to also. You have way too many drama queens/kings in your life. I'm fairly sure you have figured this out, & are already on the path of removing them from your circle.

I would love nothing more than to be able to come up north and just hug my best friend for an hour. Unfortunately, that will have to wait until summer. Then we can drink margaritas while we sit on Erie & just forget our worries for a little while.

Andi's getting married in June & I will be on vaca, so June will have to do. At least the weather should be nice.

Love you

Indychick said...

On a COMPLETELY different subject, I'm sure your readers don't care but I'm going to take this opportunity to say "GO BULLDOGS" as my beloved Butler Men's team is on their way back home, to Indy, to play in the Final Four.

Having grown up 2 blocks from campus, the memories are flowing back of when life was simpler & happiness was walking over to Hinkle Fieldhouse with my big brother & catching an afternoon game. I'm so proud of these kids I could scream.

Jezcabelle said...

Grrrl, nothing would make me happier. A lot of the dramamama bullshit is finally getting sorted & pushed further & further away from me. More importantly I'm not taking it personally anymore. I know it is not my fault. That alone is huge. Massive.

loves you