Lesson #45


Wow, it took me a while to sort out this one. So I hope you appreciate the effort & pains I took in doing so. Whether it is the Catholic church forgetting basic precepts as it ostracizes based on sex or local burners bound & determined to be "private". Yep, just tossed them in the same rule of ridiculousness. Which there is a part of me that loves the cruelty of the irony of comparison. It is the same trap that so many groups fall into - as they try to prove how different they are from everyone else & they are the only people who know how to live.

Musing on this as more of Jay & Carrie's fruits come ready for harvest. If I knew 1 year ago the things I know now - things would have been very different. I was so happy, meeting so many new people, so many "good, trustworthy" people. I was a fool. I was being told lies, lots & lots of lies. The acceptance wasn't by self respecting individuals but by a mass of people moving superficially through social circles. What a difference it made once I realized it. I do not want to associate with them. The superficial mass - in a way that Cthulu has never bothered me, this mass disgusts me. Not that I will anonymously lose myself within it but that those who are a part of it have ceased to be individuals & are morphing into a blog of homogenous ooze. You've seen Slither - that is sort of the thing I have in mind. It strikes as a lot of "we're so very different in the exact same way". Each one is a bright & individual snowflake - At this point in my life snowflakes are great for throwing out of my way. The trick of this is that they don't get any deeper than that. The deep deepness of shared drug experiences, when you can talk them into it, shared work experiences; but only if they believe they are helping each other realize a great artistic vision. I found that hard to conceive & hard to swallow when I was involved but then my ideas of community are very very different & in being different, were condemned as wrong. My skin is crawling at every kindness I ever accepted now seeing the cost - the dear dear cost to myself of allowing liars near me.

I know I needed to learn this lesson. I needed this all to happen. I clearly lost my way. The stats run through my head, do I laugh more now? am I happier now than then? Resounding the answer is yes. I do laugh more now. I am happier. I love not being surrounded by people constantly playing the game: If I don't say it, it isn't real. If I just cover up this lie with another, no one will know the truth. If no one mentions the truth, we can all pretend nothing ever happened.

I love Warren Ellis, this is not new. The pretty pretty pretty words "Scally Twatcoffin" for example, such brilliant writing & concepts & ideas & ideals, like a prostitute w/ a heart of gold. I love him. BUT the thing that made me fall, wasn't the insults, wasn't even getting used to anything, it was the truth. The idea of the truth; above & beyond all other things & considerations there is the truth. There is a fine line tween saying things to hurt & saying things that need to be said. I know that I cross that line sometimes - but I'd rather cross it than spend my life avoiding it. I'd rather cross it telling a truth than avoid it with lies.

Which leads me back to #45 - I've noticed a trend of people in groups like this to subvert themselves to be like the other precious snowflakes. I say no. I hope this lesson stays with me. I hope I'm faster to get to the truth next time, to look for lies instead of trust strangers.

No comments: