YIPPPPEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Isaac is doing so well - thank you for your thoughts & love - we still need them for him but he is up to 3 lbs.  PICC line out, nasal tube out, & in a big boi shirt.

Things I don't bloody miss since last year...

Kerry's touch - I miss touch, but not his specifically & I know that emotions color that statement, but let's be real: I still blush at the thought of Adam's kisses, at the somatic memory of my hand touching David's face, I've touched hundreds of bodies since those & yet they are still burned onto my skin. Not so w/ Kerry & countless other bachelors over the years. I realized this as I drove to work this morning, shocked that I made it through last year & remembering all that was going on when Kerry walked away. I miss what I perceived as love, which I just end up chastising myself for - no point in "missing" the mountain of lies he told me. I do miss the feelings those lies elicited in me, which I'm not pleased with. Funny is that it has made things harder. I don't believe even the simplest of compliments. I use my face & eyes to smile & say thank you - but what I hear is the same as hearing "your skin is pale" or "your eyes are green" - it means nothing to me. It isn't a matter of believing the speaker. I just don't care if anyone finds me pretty. If you aren't complaining about me there is a voice in my head reminding me that for every spoken compliment there are a dozen flaws that you are just not mentioning right now. I miss his eyes sometimes, but they aren't burning before mine when I close mine. I don't wake up reaching for him in the middle of the night. I still reach for Adam even when it isn't a nightmare driving me to consciousness. Even without focusing Kerry's chest is never the pillow I'm sleeping on. I find myself sleeping on other chests, memories or desires; he just doesn't make the cut. My ears don't search for his heartbeat. From a very objective place I find this interesting. I find it interesting that I can't take a compliment to heart - which of course is companioned by the fact that I cannot take a criticism to heart either. I smile & make my eyes & mouth say yes & accept things being said but it trickles off. I don't know for sure but I think this goes back to childhood: no reward so great, no punishment so severe as to make me alter myself & my current path to someone else's desires. Everything comes down to the logical worst case scenarios I ask myself can I live with it? & if I can then I do whatever I want. If I can't I hatefully alter things. But a man can learn to tolerate damned near anything. I got that from a man writing about a man writing about a man who shoved mice up his bum for $20 a mouse. I'm vindictive & I hold a grudge. You, dearest readers, might have sorted this out by now. & despite my mother's best efforts to tell me "what good does it do?!? carrying this around inside of you?!?!" It is still there, not the great bag of rage that I used to haul around. Instead a very precise white-hot hatred. So anyway, I don't miss Kerry's touch.

Shallow friends - I feel like I'm back on the right path, finding the artists & poets again at least the people w/ poetic souls that they are willing to bare with me. I've bitched & moaned before about finding myself surrounded by people that I barely know. I couldn't tell you if they had siblings, where they were from originally, what their life was for. I've come back around to growing what I feel are good albeit distant relationships with people that are willing to get deep with me. That isn't to say I only want deep subject matter: Jules or Sarah & I can carry on for a good 10 mins about certain tv shows & their character development & story arch for the season & I know that has nothing to do with the real world, but I also know we can talk to eachother about those little niggling thoughts in the back of our heads anytime or spend hours hip deep in political discussion.

A job that sucks my soul out of my ear - I am happy at my current job. Well as happy as I can be at a place holder gig that is designed to get them to pay for me to get to where I want to be. Even on the worst most stressful days (and I know there are far more to come) it is still better than having my ass handed to me by patients & administration alike.

Being in a kind of monogamous relationship - I think it will be a while before I do that again - if ever. I think that it has little to do with others outside my head. - I literally feel most embarrassed by my thoughts that no one heard, the things I felt that no one knew about. I dig stability. But I'm not interested in monogamous stability right now. Fuck that. Fuck giving one person the power & interdependence to fuck up my whole world. The bachelor hunt continues until I am sated & it takes a lot more than a skinny inhibited guy full of his own fears & lies to sate me. I'd love to say it wasn't worth it. But the relationship exposed a lot of things I didn't know about myself until I got there. I needed it to happen.

Ha a Memely from Froggy

Cause I'm bored & thought It would be fun
1. Who was your first prom date?
I never went to prom. Had to go to AfterProm though - thanks mom.
2. Do you still talk to your first love?
Yep but he's dead so he doesn't exactly talk back.
3. What was your first alcoholic drink?
Sips of beer from relatives (bleccchh)
4. What was your first job?
Video store clerk - working for my parents
5. What was your first car?
All mine was a 1985 Chevy Cavalier
6. Who was the first person to text you today?
Some random internet guy sending my a chain note while I was at work - b-bye lame-O
7. Who is the first person you thought of this morning?
my coworker who had called last night because she was calling off sick today
8. Who was your first grade teacher?
Sr Rosalie & guess what I did become a witch
#9 omitted because I couldn't find it
10. Who was your first best friend, and are you still friends with him/her?
See #2.
11. What was your first sport played?
Soccer. I didn't suck
12. Where was your first sleepover?
Molly's house???
13. Who was the first person you talked to today?
a patient on the phone
14. Whose wedding were you in the first time?
Julieanne's I was a bride's maid
15. What was the first thing you did this morning?
Hit the alarm
16. What was the first concert you ever went to?
I honestly don't remember
17. What was your first tattoo or piercing?
Crapass ear piercings at Claire's
18. What was the first foreign country you went to?
Canada
19. What was your first run-in with the law?
2 days after my 18th birthday = speeding ticket, he tagged me at 76 in a 55 - I was going 95 in the 55 when he stopped to clock me
20. When was your first detention?
7th grade
21. What was the first state you lived in?
Ohio.
22. Who was the first person to break your heart?
Michael Ziegler
23. Who was your first roommate?
Melanie - can't remember her last name
24. Where did you go on your first limo ride?
funeral

I

walked on fire last night.  Literally.  It was not mind-blowing, it was not the be it & end all of my inner demons.  I'm at home w/ my demons.  I think the thing is that I never thought that walking on fire was something that I couldn't do.  There was the usual run through of events (walking on glass, bending rebar with pressure from the throat, breaking light arrows with the throat).  I'm a little ambivalent.  I loved that I did it w/ Rebecca & Ira.  I wouldn't have ti any other way.  & officially: Kerry & Kate, Parker, Chris & Brenda (AT A MINIMUM) should all come out here & do it next year - since it is an annual event.  Only $25 and you get a tshirt.  & of course the opportunity to walk on fire/hot coals.  I loved the energy of the event.  It was nice.  again not the end of the world, nor the beginning of a new world - unless of course you consider that every moment is a new beginning.  & yes the fire was real, & yes the coals were hot, & no it didn't hurt, it was perfectly fine, & yes I'd do it again & again & again & again.

I love my mother

For every traumatic story she told us about not sticking your arm or leg out of the car window because it would be torn off. About not playing w/ toys out the car windows because we would lose whatever was out the windows & whatever was attached to it. I have my limbs intact because mom put terrifying images into my head. Wish this kid's mom had done the same.

THANKS FOR FEEDING MY IMAGINATION & LETTING ME TERRIFY MYSELF INTO BEHAVING THE WAY YOU WANTED. I ONLY HAVE A FEW PHOBIAS LEFT, I'VE GOTTEN BETTER AT WALKING DOWN HOTEL HALLWAYS ALONE.

Rawr

It is just disheartening to watch a man you love throw himself into serial monogamy while claiming each time that "this is the one" & you see the problems, you could categorically list them off, why it won't work out, and yet you sit willing to get involved with him, highly attracted to him, watching this all play out over and over again.

And then I realize that maybe I am a little more polyamorous than not. Maybe that is a good way to describe where I am right now - BUT I've been saying for the longest time that I am looking for a primary relationship, I WANT A PARTNER IN CRIME, a best friend that I can talk to, that talks to me, I want that trust and love and affection, the stability of commitment. BUT I want to enjoy the people around me, I want to surround myself with great puppy piles of people to sleep in... All of this should sound familiar to you my dearest friends, I've been saying it for years. And yet I keep sleeping alone, which is also another of my greatest complaints. Logically I do take steps to spend time with people I want to sleep with. There just aren't any with any great geographic proximity that have my eye, let alone my heart (Rebecca & Ira you need to move to Lakewood, I dunno how much stronger language I need to use to express that). And yet there are 2 gentleman many many hundreds of miles away that I adore and would love to enjoy further in the biblical sense. Neither of which appear to be capable of anything short of throwing themselves headlong into relationships that are doomed before they begin. They simply don't allow themselves to be totally open to their partners in relationships, but somehow they are open to me and that makes me dangerous. Despite the fact that this is one of the leading causes of their relationships failing (shhhhhhhh don't tell them that - they don't like to hear that). It makes me want to scream, each time they return, suddenly calling and IMing and spending more and more time with me, they are scarred up and hurting and wanting and waiting for the next thing to come along. I'm still that friend they love & talk to and open up to & share things with. Is it really so bad that I want to have a brief affair with each of them? Brief, I say, not a one night things went a "little too far", but a few months of knowing the sexual aspect won't last, and enjoying the luxuries of eachothers' arms. A few encounters of good sex and the freedom to enjoy it. AND no guilt, both eyes wide open deciding to move things forward, and no regrets. I regret right now only the things I passed on, none of the things I've done. & yeah that sounds old hat to me too. I'm just saying that I want, and I know I'm wanted & I'm just sick to death of being told - no, our friendship is too important. What the hell, mate, if I had a dollar for every friendship I've had that went well, sex occurred, and it is still strong today I'd have enough money to buy supper. Maybe not enough to buy for anyone else, but that would be due to my decade of celibacy. Not that I'm regretting that at all - I needed to heal - I regret maybe not trusting some sooner, and I do regret that I accepted the BS inhibitions from the guy I finally had sex with. I have learned that lesson, I'm different this time around, and maybe I need to start acting like it. As to the aforementioned bois, they both read this sporadically so maybe you know who you are, and maybe you're just paranoid and think I want you, Maybe if you want me you should up & say so & we can sort that out.

No more waiting for Mr Right, Mr Right Now, or even Mr Next. I'm throwing my hat in the "Let's Play" ring & I have no current intentions of pulling it out until someone shows up wearing it. Or several someones show up wearing it - or perhaps someone shows up & we collectively throw it back - I dunno yet. Maybe I'm just bored & touch starved right now.

Rawr.

Ahhhh taste of fall

Hunk of meat in the crockpot, w/ onions, potatoes, veg stock, tomato paste, & onion soup mix.  For my meals this week.  I like that it is cooler out. I like cooler weather - I should be able to safely take the AC out soon.  It has been in because they keep threatening more hot weather.

Rawr

I'm tired & hurty & I have DiFranco curled up next to me, wrapped around my other arm, his lil paw holding onto me.  I just got an email from my mommers - lil Isaac is still growing, feedings more often, and there is a hole in his heart that should grow closed.  Thank you for the extra love in his direction.  

Seriously

My place smells like the sandalwood goodness from Target (I love their sandalwood scent).  Dagon has new gravel & fresh water, the cats have a new food, fresh litter, new catnip, & are freshly brushed.  I'm bleeding like a ruptured aorta, but I'm freshly showered, about to slide my feet into a Vap-O-Rub soak to soften them up a bit.  I just took a round of delightful prescription meds for my hateful ovaries & uterus.  Hopefully in the next hour or so I will feel less pain.  The weather is almost perfect, the breeze feels soft, almost a little taste of fall as equinox approaches.

Ahhhh life.

YAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

That's right talk like a Pirate bitches...

Ahhhh life

"My coping technique of hate" - Hodgins

Best line EVER!!!

PopQuiz HotShots

So tell me, fair readers: Let's say you were caught in some harrible (yes, harrible not horrible) snowstorm/blizzard and your pets are there & there is plenty of dry pet food, & random people are there - let's say 3-4, friends or strangers, I leave to you, and you're isolated w/ no hope of rescue for an indefinite amount of time (til the weather clears), so one of the other people dies, bad ticker, went for a walk & came back & the hypothermia got this person, whatever. So, with human food supplies dwindled to nothing do you eat the dead person or look to your beloved pets for sustenance?

I'm just curious.

***Cat, I love you like you know I do - you might be the dead one at my house, I just want u to know I wrote this then considered your special circumstances. & love you no matter what.

& as of Friday...

I have a new niece, Kara Joy joined us at 8 lbs/20 inches, she is healthy & happy.

call for love please

So I now share my birthday w/ my cousin Brian's son, lil Isaac was born at 29 wks & 2 lbs 13 oz. He's on oxygen but off the ventilator, taking a dose of breast milk a day & getting held at least once a day. His lil body is continuing to grow & I'm sure he/they could use all the energy you can send their way. Please.
Thank you.

Truly

I love Zack Ward.  He is a brilliant lil actor.  Seriously, I think he is highly skilled & you know damned well I have an eye for these things.  He's shown up bits & pieces over the years in all kinds of things.  Tonight I had the pleasure of catching him running mostly naked on the Sarah Connor Chronicles.  Yes, the River show on FUX.  I like a lot of the actors who have pulled thru this series.  & of course they killed him off before the 15 mins mark.  But for a few brief moments I got to see him on the tv.  Someday when I rule the world or at least the entertainment industry I will make sure he shows up a lot more.  

***Update***

1. I went to work & opened & managed to spend only most of the morning on the toilet (apparently the puke was just the start - someone hit FFWD on my digestive tract - mmm pooing almost clear for no reason)  

2. I stopped at the new Rotten Squirrel (Giant Eagle) for ginger ale & gatorade & yogurt - & found out there is a state liquor store in it.  (JOI!!!)

3.  I'm achey all over but then that could be attributed to dehydration.

fucking hell.

What's with it?

Waking up in the middle of the night puking?

OK not the MIDDLE of the night - but I did fall asleep (a fitful falling - I might add) at around 2215.  I promptly awoke at 2330 & puked into the cup by my bed.  Just a little - I think I managed to bathe my esophagus with enough acid that i am still tasting it w/ each cough.  I then proceeded to go to the bathroom to gargle some water & cool the back of my neck - I was soaked w/ sweat - & puked until i was left dry heaving wrapped around the toilet.  & now, NOW, I feel fine - still warmish & uncomfortable but fine.  I've been eating a few ice cubes to water down what's left in my throat & ease things.  My shenanigans have totally disrupted DiFranco who had been perched over me on the body pillow - I think I'm going to have to take my temp.  Maybe I'll skate out of work early tomorrow - I'm freakin tired yet but I don't know why my body decided to wake up & wretch like this.  My upper back had stopped hurting today - like no soreness whatsoever - all traces of hemorrhaging from the latest gua sha treatment last Thursday are gone, Right now my abs hurt from the heaving, my throat is raw, my low back and hips feel like someone took a hammer to them & my head is aching.  & I just thought - hey, I'll pop some ibuprofen & go to sleep - like hell my tummy just responded.  none for me.

What the fuck, that's all I'm saying.

It's gonna storm

I can't wait - It has been in the 80s w/ horribly nasty humidity: it feels gross, just gross outside & now in most of my apt.  My room is ok - I left the AC in & on.  I'm gonna shower & breath & maybe, just maybe get some rest.

wow

So I was just digging thru the magical tubes & found out by slip of the finger on Flickr that a guy I loved & shared part of my life with had battled cancer between now & when I last went poking around looking for him. I grew and healed immeasurably thru the course of that relationship & my heart instantly went out to him. I hope he is well today & continuing on the path of remission or recovery. Last time I saw him online he was happy in a relationship with a woman who looked a lot like me in the pics. I was so happy he had found someone better suited to him than I. I'm writing this here because I know him & he would not appreciate contact from me. I just want him to be safe & healthy & happy.

This is the part where if you don't know me that well you start yelling at me to "get over him" - I assure you I am. We aren't together. I haven't poured any energy into him since we parted, I just realized that I would want to attend his funeral if he died, I still feel the need to honor the friendship we had. But a soft place in my heart does not equal love or lust or any other makings of a relationship.

Noodle goil for my rubba boi. Much love, just much love.

Seriously

If I sent you paperwork before your MD visit to be filled out & brought to your visit AND you choose (forget, neglect, I really don't care about the excuse - I've heard just about everything & I don't care about any of them) to not fill out or bring in the paperwork at the time of your visit - Guess what... You MUST sit here & fill it out at the office before seeing the doctor. & YES IT IS THE SAME PAPERWORK WE SENT YOU IN THE MAIL!!! It did not magickally change into something shorter for your convenience. This is not up for debate. This is not a rule that will be bent "just for lil old" you. & I still don't care that you "spent all that time filling it out & still left it sitting at home". You asked to see this specialist & this specialist has a staff that has gone out of their way to get you the paperwork in advance so your visit can go smoother.

And coming up as you turn in the paperwork to "explain" why you didn't fill out parts of it ("It's in the computer" - "I don't like spelling the drug names" - etc...). Means nothing to me. YOU CHOSE to not fill it out. YOU were given explicit requests to bring all of you meds & supplements with you for this particular visit. YOU CHOSE to not bring them. The doctor asks this of you because she wants to be sure that she has the exact information about what you are taking. The doctor cares about you & is looking to give good recommendations about your health. YOU begged & pleaded & set up this appointment over 3 months ago. YOU received 2 mail notifications & at least 1 phone call reminding you not only of this appointment, but to come at least a half hour early. & yet YOU CHOSE to walk in 5 mins late for your appointment.

I DO NOT CARE ABOUT HOW THE CHOICES YOU MADE ARE INCONVENIENCING YOU.

GROW THE FUCK UP & TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS.

Love letter...

"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out. " ~Stephen King

Consider this my loveletter/thankyounote for Labor Day Weekend:
So last weekend I spent surrounded by wonderful strangers. It was the first time since Adam was still alive that I felt totally & completely at home with a group of people larger than 5. I'm racking my brain trying to figure out making sure that it is a true statement. I could talk to & cuddle & sleep with anyone there in-depth & at length. No strange feelings of jealousies or reserve. For years I've been tortured that I feel the compulsion to be honest & open about myself & my feelings & my truths thru simple reasoning that the best relationships, the best friends in my sweet young life were all based in such things. I've been hurt so many times & trusted too many with poor poor results. I've traveled through many groupings since that olde band of "us" - There were 12 of "us" - Kelly & I & 10 guys. This weekend was a return not to them but to the sensation of unconditional love & acceptance - now whether or not this is something that will last longer than a weekend, longer than the time in a wonderful house together, I know not - I do know that I want it to. I've worried off & on that I won't find it again, Rebecca & Ira, Chris & Brenda, David, are all little corners of that {side note here: there are many other friends that I treasure & love a great deal but I'm talking full on cuddling & nudity allowed & encouraged with no judgments passed, friends that I can sit around with rubbing on & being rubbed with equal love} - this weekend I found & was welcome with loving arms into a whole group of it. wow - I'm just grateful & overwhelmed - there were tears on my drive home. With the knowledge that such large groupings still exist & didn't just change & die forever as ours did.

I'm utterly grateful that Kate & Kerry decided to take a chance & invite me into their home. & before you, dearest ones who've known me for forever, go flying off the handle this is good Kerry not "dumped me out of the blue a year ago" Kerry. So far the friendships have continued but there is so much more to it than just an expanded social circle. The best words I've found so far is to describe it as returning to a tribe that I didn't know I was a member of. That new friends actually contacted me after is (if you've met my plagued-by-the-demon-Insecurity ass before) really wonderful. There is a part of me always convinced that once I leave a room I am forgotten - I have proof of this phenomenon if you insist - so it is truly touching to those deep recesses of me that anyone cares beyond superficial words. Note: that is not a plea for extra love or affection, just a note from my heart. I never expect anyone to call, write, or even read this. Not because I have a low self esteem but because I never expect anyone to care for me the way I care for me.

Love You,
Love,
Me

Best ever

I now own a straight razor (of a fashion) - eep.  My (L) arm is hairless - I will be trying to shave my legs with it this weekend.  YAY!!!

THANK YOU TOBY!!! - for feeding my Sweeney Todd desires.  

Meet my newest addition

Having killed my Bonsai this year - I feel lonely for the plant love - so we have bamboo in a large bowl w/ Dagon.  Dagon is a Siamese Fighting fish or Betta.  I think he is a Half-moon variety.  It took trips thru 3 different pet shops until I found one that looked healthy & was responsive.  He moved in yesterday.  He likes to hide among the bamboo & rest upon their leaves/tops.  His fins look beautiful & there appears to be no additional tearing from his new environment - the lil container I found him in made me want to cry - just because they can breath air is no excuse to allow them to live in 2 inches of water.  I love watching him exploring his tank & hiding.  He just wouldn't stay still for a pic...

On Sarah Palin

She scares me.  I dig the being from a small town & standing up for what you believe in.  I'm always the first to root for the underdog.  The big difference is that I don't try to legislate my views onto other people.  I think it is great to be involved in your kids' activities (hockey mom), joining the PTA is a great way to actively be involved in your child's education, again very important to me.  I do believe that education needs to be better & needs to have more parental involvement.  Finding out she had worked towards banning books at the local library upset me to no end.  I'm not saying I've always read the most age appropriate books (Thompson's "Hells Angels" at age 11 is a fine example of that) but the idea of being in a town in Alaska, cut off from just driving 30 mins to the nearest bigger town & finding more, really upsets me.  I'm a huge proponent of being able to write, read, say, & scream anything I want anytime I want.  It is a big reason I don't just fuck off to another country.  I don't question the things her family is going thru with the daughter's pregnancy, that's just rough.  Though I do agree that she probably won't be going on WIC or any of the other public programs like most of the unwed mothers I've known have done.  I find it hysterical that the focus has been all redemptive that her daughter didn't just "get an abortion" so she is touted as walking the walk...  Sarah Palin actively works to fund and allow strictly abstinence only education for youth.  This has been proven to NOT be effective.  My problems include the detriment to women's health that it causes & the fact that it denies viable information to people.  I'm always pro-education, sharing any disease prevention, sharing any detail about our bodies that will help the next generation understand things better is always a positive.  Denying them education in any fashion about our own bodies is simply a travesty.  Then you reach over to the secession of Alaska issue - I'm not comfortable saying yes to a woman who has spent time & energy trying to secede from the union as a politically aware adult, now trying to run for an office in the union.  There is more here than these surface issues.  But these are all the media are addressing so I thought I'd get my thoughts out of the way on them before resuming economic screaming.  Also: "War from God" - not my God, no legislation of religious-Christian values onto me please.  I really think they need to rewatch the movie & stop being involved in a land war in Asia.

I didn't provide links to the intel I'm using here - feel free to rock the GoogleFu for confirmation.  Most of it was gleaned thru my daily scouring of the news while at work.  Which means I was too busy to copy all the links into an email to myself as I read.

Agreed

HA!!!!!!

Fuck this

I've been putting this one off writing up the fucktards behind this travesty of idiocy. He weighs as much as I do & don't have half of the problems he does. Seems to me the bastard has led a pretty full life. Being overweight certainly didn't stop him from raping or killing so far. Perhaps with his issues what w/ locating viable veins, etc... how about we use the veins in his crotch? I'm ok with that. I'm ok w/ decapitation, no worries about his weight there, worked for thousands of years, decapitating people kills them fast & effectively. I'll do it for free.

THE Voice

Died. This makes me sad, seriously In a world without that exact voice telling me about other worlds I could be in right now. Don LaFontaine was a master at capturing my attention & soothing me to smiles.