It is just disheartening to watch a man you love throw himself into serial monogamy while claiming each time that "this is the one" & you see the problems, you could categorically list them off, why it won't work out, and yet you sit willing to get involved with him, highly attracted to him, watching this all play out over and over again.

And then I realize that maybe I am a little more polyamorous than not. Maybe that is a good way to describe where I am right now - BUT I've been saying for the longest time that I am looking for a primary relationship, I WANT A PARTNER IN CRIME, a best friend that I can talk to, that talks to me, I want that trust and love and affection, the stability of commitment. BUT I want to enjoy the people around me, I want to surround myself with great puppy piles of people to sleep in... All of this should sound familiar to you my dearest friends, I've been saying it for years. And yet I keep sleeping alone, which is also another of my greatest complaints. Logically I do take steps to spend time with people I want to sleep with. There just aren't any with any great geographic proximity that have my eye, let alone my heart (Rebecca & Ira you need to move to Lakewood, I dunno how much stronger language I need to use to express that). And yet there are 2 gentleman many many hundreds of miles away that I adore and would love to enjoy further in the biblical sense. Neither of which appear to be capable of anything short of throwing themselves headlong into relationships that are doomed before they begin. They simply don't allow themselves to be totally open to their partners in relationships, but somehow they are open to me and that makes me dangerous. Despite the fact that this is one of the leading causes of their relationships failing (shhhhhhhh don't tell them that - they don't like to hear that). It makes me want to scream, each time they return, suddenly calling and IMing and spending more and more time with me, they are scarred up and hurting and wanting and waiting for the next thing to come along. I'm still that friend they love & talk to and open up to & share things with. Is it really so bad that I want to have a brief affair with each of them? Brief, I say, not a one night things went a "little too far", but a few months of knowing the sexual aspect won't last, and enjoying the luxuries of eachothers' arms. A few encounters of good sex and the freedom to enjoy it. AND no guilt, both eyes wide open deciding to move things forward, and no regrets. I regret right now only the things I passed on, none of the things I've done. & yeah that sounds old hat to me too. I'm just saying that I want, and I know I'm wanted & I'm just sick to death of being told - no, our friendship is too important. What the hell, mate, if I had a dollar for every friendship I've had that went well, sex occurred, and it is still strong today I'd have enough money to buy supper. Maybe not enough to buy for anyone else, but that would be due to my decade of celibacy. Not that I'm regretting that at all - I needed to heal - I regret maybe not trusting some sooner, and I do regret that I accepted the BS inhibitions from the guy I finally had sex with. I have learned that lesson, I'm different this time around, and maybe I need to start acting like it. As to the aforementioned bois, they both read this sporadically so maybe you know who you are, and maybe you're just paranoid and think I want you, Maybe if you want me you should up & say so & we can sort that out.

No more waiting for Mr Right, Mr Right Now, or even Mr Next. I'm throwing my hat in the "Let's Play" ring & I have no current intentions of pulling it out until someone shows up wearing it. Or several someones show up wearing it - or perhaps someone shows up & we collectively throw it back - I dunno yet. Maybe I'm just bored & touch starved right now.



rebecca said...

(Wow... you have such a gift for writing. This is so amazingly articulates everything.)

I want so much for you. I want you to find someone who deserves you. You are this amazing, special incredible person, but not for the faint of heart. (I love that about you. You live so deeply.)

Did you know I happen to look very fetching in hats? Just saying...

- Rebecca

Jezcabelle said...

You always look fetching, in clothes, out of clothes, hats, bags, shoes, barefoot.... Let that be said.

& my wordiness is nothing compared to yours - you write, I ramble, babble like a brook overflowing the banks until I'm ok for a while.


Anonymous said...

I like boobies...

Jezcabelle said...

yes dear - we know u do.

Indychick said...

Hi! I'm "REBOUND GIRL", remember me?? (this was meant to make you laugh)