Love letter...

"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out. " ~Stephen King

Consider this my loveletter/thankyounote for Labor Day Weekend:
So last weekend I spent surrounded by wonderful strangers. It was the first time since Adam was still alive that I felt totally & completely at home with a group of people larger than 5. I'm racking my brain trying to figure out making sure that it is a true statement. I could talk to & cuddle & sleep with anyone there in-depth & at length. No strange feelings of jealousies or reserve. For years I've been tortured that I feel the compulsion to be honest & open about myself & my feelings & my truths thru simple reasoning that the best relationships, the best friends in my sweet young life were all based in such things. I've been hurt so many times & trusted too many with poor poor results. I've traveled through many groupings since that olde band of "us" - There were 12 of "us" - Kelly & I & 10 guys. This weekend was a return not to them but to the sensation of unconditional love & acceptance - now whether or not this is something that will last longer than a weekend, longer than the time in a wonderful house together, I know not - I do know that I want it to. I've worried off & on that I won't find it again, Rebecca & Ira, Chris & Brenda, David, are all little corners of that {side note here: there are many other friends that I treasure & love a great deal but I'm talking full on cuddling & nudity allowed & encouraged with no judgments passed, friends that I can sit around with rubbing on & being rubbed with equal love} - this weekend I found & was welcome with loving arms into a whole group of it. wow - I'm just grateful & overwhelmed - there were tears on my drive home. With the knowledge that such large groupings still exist & didn't just change & die forever as ours did.

I'm utterly grateful that Kate & Kerry decided to take a chance & invite me into their home. & before you, dearest ones who've known me for forever, go flying off the handle this is good Kerry not "dumped me out of the blue a year ago" Kerry. So far the friendships have continued but there is so much more to it than just an expanded social circle. The best words I've found so far is to describe it as returning to a tribe that I didn't know I was a member of. That new friends actually contacted me after is (if you've met my plagued-by-the-demon-Insecurity ass before) really wonderful. There is a part of me always convinced that once I leave a room I am forgotten - I have proof of this phenomenon if you insist - so it is truly touching to those deep recesses of me that anyone cares beyond superficial words. Note: that is not a plea for extra love or affection, just a note from my heart. I never expect anyone to call, write, or even read this. Not because I have a low self esteem but because I never expect anyone to care for me the way I care for me.

Love You,


rebecca said...

You are amazing in ways I can't begin to describe. It's been an honor and a blessing to be your friend.

You are a catalyst and I love you for that. Is it weird to say you're like an enzyme..? Because they're amazing and important and everything would be... well, probably dead without them. Just like you. Sorry if that seems weird... But you make things happen, bring things and people together... you're magical and mysterious and real and blunt all the same time.

Love you. You are a delight.

Jezcabelle said...

A catalyst & an enzyme - you always make me cry on my birthday - THANK YOU!!!
I love you too.

Indychick said...

It would be an impossibilty to ever meet you & then forget you. I have cousins who met you for 5 minutes @ a family wedding 10 years ago who still ask about you when we speak. The impression you leave upon people who have only met you for a few minutes is a testament to your uniqueness and to your soul. You are the voice I hear when I need some reasoning, & also when I need some mischief.

My mother told me long ago that the friends I made in high school would be nothing compared to those friends I would make in college, and you are living proof. You accepted me and all my strangeness, and helped me discover myself as we grew into (shudder) responsible adults. It seems unreal that it has been 13 years since our meeting in the laundry room @ McKinnon Hall. Cold pizza & Homicide re-runs helped to start a friendship that I know will be with us forever.

I know that this was not a plea for love, but I send it nonetheless. To have a friend that can truly share in my joy with the arrival of Charlie & Amy's baby; to have friend that can understand the unbelieveable love that I feel when I hold him; to have a friend that can understand when I say he has "Charlie's scowl", is so pricless it should be a Mastercard commerical. Your birthday is the day we celebrate your arrival in the world. Oh, how different my life would be if that had never occurred. I love you deeply & unconditionally my dear friend.


Jezcabelle said...

Awww - I love you too