Breaking bread

I'm at a peace. Calmness rules my internal structure. I have no overwhelming needs/wants that aren't being met. I have no emotional pain/stress, I have some physical pain but it is as handled as possible. Obi is cuddled in close, Hogfather is on the tele, plum wine in my glass, and I feel at rest in the universe. I could use a week of solitude and silence - but that is going to wait for a vaca later this year. An hour in a sensory dep chamber is just not enough to make up for the too much noise that I am surrounded by. Noises...

Thanksgiving brought about a really interesting talk about Misophonia. I suffer from this - in case you have missed my ranting about the desire to vomit or kill brought on by the mouth noises of other people eating with their mouths open, exacerbated by being trapped in small places with them. Picture me pulling my car over & making people throw out their gum when I was driving in highschool. As it is now I purposefully remove myself from eating with people who cannot chew with their mouths closed. At work I place myself as far from certain individuals as possible, at home I eat in my room, when riding/driving in cars I try very hard to be sure I am not along for a drive-thru run if it means eating with others in the car.

For years I have tried to express my disgust, that such noises make me feel nauseous, the general response is for people to not only continue making the noises but to make a sport of it. Laughing because of my obvious discomfort. The end result is that in the future I avoid eating around them. I have been having moments lately wherein I feel like I should apologize for this. I realize that the idea of apologizing for someone else's inability to chew with their mouth closed is ridiculous, pure ridiculousness. I state my needs, have them ignored or made fun of, then simply leave. It does make for awfully strange when in general the only meal I share with others is lunch at work.

Additional thoughts

So, the GPS my work got me for Xmas is freaking awesome. I LOVE IT!!!

As in it tells me where the "safety" cameras are located, it tells me the speed they are set to go off at, and it tells me my speed in relation to the correct speed limit on the screen (granted this is not a super high priority but is fantastically convenient). Add in the fun of telling me specifically what lane I need to be in or will need to be in & I am sold. So work, gave it to me. I had other options, I picked this one. I am exceedingly pleased with the choice and the option. & now of course all I want to do is travel.

6 Month Review today

I pass, with flying colors. I'm winning in all the little ways that I was told I couldn't. That I was under and over qualified, that I wasn't bright enough & of course the ever so condescending - "You're perfect for QA, you don't need to know anything & the people we have doing it are idiots, you'll be great at it". I would love to follow that w/ threats but really the people who said that to me are just out of my life now & not welcome back into it.

Right now, I win. No stress at work, no stress at home, no drama in my romantic life, only mutual respect and love shared with my friends. Best of both worlds.

Randoms tonight

I remember talking to a man. A man who has spent less than an hour seeing me naked, less than that in good light. & that was over 2 years ago, over 2 years since we've been in the same room. I realize that he described my body in detail that I can hardly grasp, from coloration, texture, scent, taste, sound, he noticed. He can articulate them, he's thought of me beyond the moments we spent together. He's wracked his brain trying to find just the right comparisons, the right words to express what he found in me. We've never had sex, never even touched eachother's underwear zones. I don't know that we ever will.

I remember bodies the way that he remembers mine. I remember every detail. EVERYTHING.

I sit here realizing how manipulated I was by my last 2 exes. The first by way of my own poor mental health and the second by way of consistent emotional pushes and twists. Neither of them capable of remembering my eye color. The first because he was incapable of connecting with people and the second by way of simply not caring about me beyond the sexual gratification and free therapy he received from me.

There is a woman in my life. She looks me in the eyes & she tells me she loves me. She describes my eyes, my body, she calls me a catalyst, a force of nature. She says no one can know me & not be changed by the knowing of me. I say the same of her. If I am the hurricane, the unstoppable force that changes everything in my path, she is the single flap of a butterfly's wings, altering the world in almost imperceptible ways that have huge results. I love her dearly. She asks questions, she not only wants to know the answers but she listens & then asks the next questions... She analyzes herself & others; like I do only differently. She is constantly looking at herself & figuring out if she likes what she is & where she is & changes it if she is not ok with it. She changes! She touches everything she changes everything she touches, and so on. Seriously I can count on one hand the number of people in my life who actually look at things & purposefully alter them. She has the courage to do & to be & to live. I love her for inspiring me.

yes

I'm happy. I'm joi. I'm riding the fabulous mostly stressless social life. Life without being constantly emotionally manipulated - like this time last year - I have stresses and pains - physical in nature, frets and worries about a few people I love who are not the best healthwise. Still many things I cannot talk about. I will. Obi is safe purring next to me. D is a giant ball of fluff nearby.

I am not bringing a great revelation right this second. The drives to and from work have been filled with thoughts of work. I really like it there. I know, enough & all that, but I really love it there. Standing desk in place, a firm-ish group of friends to lunch with, interesting things to constantly learn. Not absolutely perfect, but so much better than so many of the places I've been in the last few years.

oh happy day

There are a few posts between this & the last which will be published with time. But I wanted to interject my absolute joi. I am in love with myself & those closest to me. I am currently dressing for the party tonight. I am excited and joiful at the prospects of fun before me. Just needed to share. I even received my lab results today & my numbers are all where I expected them to be - which means good, just barely within the limits of good but good nonetheless.

On a side note - I think my animal spirit guide for 2011-2012 is the Honey Badger. Having finally accepted this, the strength & peace is wonderful.

This piece from last November

Apparently bears repeating:

If you don't like it or are taking my writing personally - stop reading. - I don't force the people I have in mind when I do write to the living, to read it, Jase, Wes, feel free to chime in on that one as you are usually the peeps I have in mind. For all others, this is not for you. This is for me & the people that I care about, continuing to read my writing for some strange ammunition, for more of my "hurtful hidden messages meant just for you", etc... Is officially discouraged.

This is not a syndicated blog or a blog that has a readership/following - frankly most of my friends do not trouble themselves to read it. Least not the ones who interact with me often IRL.

Also: reading my posts on here or any other social media & deciding you know what is going on in my life is ridiculous. You get a corner, a snippet of what I can or am allowed to discuss in these forums. Nothing more. If you actually want to know more I can always be contacted directly about it.

I now return to my usual processing & drama-free existence.

Today at work

I did it, I managed to rock out more than anyone on my team. This means that 1/2 my team was there only half time or that they were recovering from serious throat/head colds, and the rest were feverishly working on other projects... So maybe not too much to be excited over, BUT I completed a bunch of points off of the sprint & managed to read 2 chapters in one of my required reading books, AND reread the first chapter of the book for the professional book club I've become a part of which meets tomorrow. I feel like I am starting to be competent at work. It has been almost 120 days since I started. It is still the best place on Earth to be working, for me at least, right now - after a ridiculous lunch of a slice of chicken club pizza and a salad, I enjoyed a fabulous massage to my lower back and piriformis. I feel really really good right this moment.

Of course saying all that - I am about to clean the carpet in my room for the 3rd time in 3 weeks. Somehow the cats dumped the litterbox over AND Obi was up all night every few hours puking. It was terrifying waking to her, but she seems to be ok today.

Then there will be booze and a nice hot shower. Snuggling under covers and then the new Torchwood on Netflix streaming. Really, I am feelin the warm and safe.

& My Baby Sis's bday is today & A certain housemate got great news. Seriously. I just want this down as an awesome day.

Just So We Are Clear...

It was brought to my attention over the weekend that people seem to think my writings about the Most Selfish Man on Earth are about the demise of a Relationship, a Romantic Relationship, a boifriend/girlfriend Relationship. I assure it is not. It is in fact about recognizing the manipulations and lies I tolerated during the course of a friendship, a (small r) relationship. It has cost me friends, it has cost me people I cared about. I am happier than I ever was while friends with this man. My emotions are no longer being played like a yoyo at his every whim and need for attention. I am joiful that it is over, that I never have to contend with his lies again. It took so long for me to recognize many of his tricks that they were happening all the way back during what he described as our Relationship (capital R), that ended over 8 months ago.

I just thought I would be clear on that. I still feel utterly used by him and my disgust with him is pretty strong. I'm also not saying that everyone on Earth sees him as a useless piece of garbage, a selfish, self-centered, self-important, lying, manipulative asshole. However that is exactly what he was to me.

How I love my friends

I love my life, my family, and my friends. Thank you terribly for your love and support right now. As soon as I know more I can tell you more. Just suffice it to say that screaming monkey brain is rampant. Please send thoughts, love & energy to my ill friends, to their physical wellbeing returning as soon as possible. Nothing is public yet, so I am a touch hamstrung from discussing what is really aching my heart - let me tell you a story.

Oberon, Obi, Obi Wan Kittie, uber-Bitch, my large orange tabby queen disappeared in mid-April. She has been with me for 17 of her 19 years. It tore me to pieces. I couldn't emotionally handle it, add in my usual spring issues, anniversaries of everything from deaths to the rape I associate the spring w/ some pretty rough times, a ridiculous dose of job stress, unnecessary relationship stress, and of course having to deal w/ the psycho ex-wife of the ex-boifriend's resurge of shit. I dealt w/ Obi's disappearance by breathing and letting go. If she needed to go off and die then so be it. I searched, I wept, I prayed for her to be at peace. I accepted that she was indeed most likely dead and gone forever.

In July she was spotted by me - I made Justin stop the car, really quite suddenly. I ran back about 5 houses & in the driveway she sat looking at me. mrrrreowing for all her worth all raspy. She was down about 7 lbs, so skinny like she was when we first met. Along her abdomen there were tumors and lesions. A vet visit was in order, she was mostly clear of obvious infections/parasites. The xray showed clear lungs. The tumors needed to come off & so they did followed by biopsy. They were adenocarcinomas, during the surgery there appeared to be no metastases. In cats, given her medical history, age, etc... It will be most likely that the cancer moves to the lungs & kills her fairly quickly. The vet's final verdict was "months, not days or weeks and not years, but months." I have her quarantined in my room & D is in and out daily. I love her and want her to be out and about but I want her to feel comfy for whatever time we have left.

She sleeps between me and the door or in my arms. Ever guarding, ever keeping me safe. There is going to come a day when I put her down, when her passing is at my behest, to save her so much the pain of a slow death that I cannot prevent. Currently watching "The Big Chill" and I guess the best image is that I feel like Glenn Close in the shower right now, as I have for months: surrounded by friends, crying alone, hurting over things I cannot bring myself to share, that is not an invitation, only an acknowledgement.

Dreams

I had a dream last night, TMSMOE was crying, he was pitching one of his usual fits. In the dream I witnessed his entire show: trembling lips, filling eyes as he tries to look away & change the subject but only by a degree, only enough to bring it back to his pains & hurting, trying to show his "deep emotional scars" - too soon giving way to the raw open wounds that he is nursing - every imagined slight tearing them open again as he pours just enough fresh blood onto them to make them look new, his Munchausen of the soul still hidden from his audience, he pulls them in closer begging for their trust, begging to trust, appealing to the softness, the mother, the goddess in each woman present. Mouthing words of adoration, solipsistic stories of their strength, tales of their passions he admires so desperately, much as he had often attributed stories of mine to others - he did the same to them, the questioning glances as they each sought the true owner of the tales he told. Once his audience was won he broke into his sobbing, awaiting their coos and comforts. They obliged, willingly, warmly, wanting to heal him, to let him be strong, somehow, someway. I remained watching as he feigned strength, anger, self-righteous indignation, he rose & punched the walls, kicked random objects before collapsing in tears again into their waiting arms nursing his newly won wounds. A soldier returning from a war only in his head.

I turned away, I walked away, I wanted no part, I didn't want to hear the words of others that I failed to warn them. I didn't want to be held accountable for his lies, for introducing them to his manipulations. I wanted more, I wanted a partner for my crimes and a man with whom to share a scar or 2. A man who cannot comprehend calling me loving and compassionate and worthless all in the same breath. A man whose "love" for me means more than an appreciation for a cheerleader. I was speaking this as I walked, down a path, towards the lake. It is just after sunset, I can see seaweed swirling beneath the surface as I get closer. The water almost matches Johnny's eyes, that shade of green that I used to find everywhere & now can only see in dreams. I walk along the beach until I can find a nice boulder. I swiped at the dried weeds, curling up on it, my feet dragging in the water. I finally looked across the water, I saw the fires, burning brightly, beckoning someone home. Hands on my shoulders stopped the chill I'd hardly noticed. Warm and dry on my chilled skin. My nostrils filled w/ Sandalwood and Frankincense. My feet felt more than water, hands were stroking them, cold hands, colder than the water surrounding them. I laid back into the arms of the man standing behind me, he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, rubbing his face in the stubble of hair on my head. I realized I no longer had hair, just the stubble, a bit of fuzz. He kissed me below my ears, whispering beside them, remembering I hate the sounds of breath in my ear. He started to sing, his voice throwing me back to every cold night w/ the band, every hotel bed every time Michi stole the comforter. Swirling back to my head, I realized what he was singing, I realized there was a voice joining his from below, my feet were no longer below, but cradled on a cold lap, arms around my lower legs. The songs change, I'm swaying, unhindered, but alone in movements. We just sang for hours, never tiring, hardly moving, I rested between my 2 dead bois.

I woke up laughing this morning, reaching for them, humming our songs all day. A perfect start to fall as I gather in all that I that I have sown this year.

"After all, I am all that I'm about to be

And all that I have been is no longer me

So here I stand, one grain of sand

inside"

On the Emo Defense

I am writing this fully & well aware that there may indeed be a proper term for this deflections mechanism in interpersonal relations. Much as I am sure there are other words, proper words to describe my feelings & labeling of "Schrödinger's relationship" hit the link if you needs a refresher, I think I revisit it every year for one reason or another.

First I will describe it then my epiphany regarding it.

The Emo Defense: in the course of an argument or discussion refusing to acknowledge the content of the things being communicated to you and instead simply deflecting them away constantly claiming that hearing or reading them hurts too much and you are too emotionally unstable or incapable of handling them. Then turning on the other person still ignoring the things being communicated to begin piling guilt on them based on their inability to say the things you don't want to hear in a manner which doesn't hurt you.

In the course of a relationship with someone who used this technique I was completely blindsided. I didn't realize until very recently that he did many things that hurt me on a monthly if not weekly basis during the best parts of our time together and every time I brought it up I was hamstrung by this technique. Instead of discussing things that were going on with our relationship, with me, with him, or even things going on with the outside world - we spent our time with me learning what his triggers were & trying to respect them or word things nicer or in some way communicate in a manner that did not send him flying off the handle. It never really dawned on the front of my brain that when things were complicated they were never actually dealt with, the tears and the violent outbursts all covered up the fact that my issues/emotions that he didn't like were completely pushed to the side. All so that he could lay another guilt trip on me for choosing words that tore him to pieces because he is too emotionally unstable to handle me being upset with him.

WTF my friends, WTF?

So the Emo Defense is acknowledged.

The Final Submission (haha)

in the Most Selfish Man on Earth saga:

Once again cheap shots delivered before returning to work with no regard to me or my life.

Once again expressing how much I am supposed to care about his emotions after his repeated and blatant disregard and disrespect for me.

Once again a communications ban because I responded to his threats in a manner that he did not appreciate.

Basic bullshit drama that serves zero purpose.

I am so happy that the energy sucking lil blackhole of emo-bullshit is out of my life forever. I never have to deal with it again.

Basically - happy days are here again!!!

Of note

I love my life.

I love my job - it is a daily source of joi & new information. I am challenged yet not overwhelmed, encouraged but not coddled, pretty much the most amazing corporate culture I could ever have dreamed myself enjoying. At work I have friends, people who understand me, people who enjoy my company.

I love my house, my home. Obi is back - she'll be the source of an entirely different bit soon enough w/ details of her health. Justin is wonderful & keeps things grounded & safe & running smoother than I could ever hope. Page is wonderful & caring & sweet & a pure joi to have with us. Julia has been a bright shining light for the little time we have hosted her.

My heart is calm & at peace & safely tucked away from the world. I am not unhappy to have no current partners in romance or sex. I have zero trust in anyone outside of my circles right now. All strangers are suspect & 1/2 of those surrounding me are under suspicion. It is a state that feels comfortable.

I feel at peace without & within.

I have let go, cut myself free of a pile of garbage that has been dragging me down for a while now. It is reminiscent of getting rid of Heather so many years ago. I have never regretted hanging up the phone on her or being finished with her. 8 years of friendship akin to sisterhood gone in an instant. I still taste Klondike bars, Doritos, Mountain Dew, smell a clean basement w/ no windows, see Faces of Death before my mind's eye & think of her fondly in those moments. But she may as well be dead. I've heard how things went in her life & I find joi in her distress but have no inclination to find her & see for myself. Perfectly in synch there is nothing that reminds me of the recent disengagement - not even a tear stained note to mark the passage. Only the unburdening of guilt borne of accusations rather than my own actions.

I feel at home in my own skin.

Fun Facts

There comes a moment after someone hurts me that my blood stops boiling. There comes a moment after the attack when my blood turns to ice. I stop feeling hurty & fiery bright passions, I stop replaying the conversations & signs & moments & realizations of the usery over & again. The calm comes & I cease to care. I actively cease to care about this person regardless of how close they had been or how much their feelings, tender egos, emotional state in general mattered to me. It is from this place I take actions. I cut people out of my life permanently. I am vindictive, I revel in their pain, regardless of the cause.

Like all lovely bad karma boomerangs it has always come back on them. I see all the paths, I desire to follow them all, to destroy reputations, to destroy friendships, etc... BUT I know I will breathe and wait. Everything becomes about patience - not with myself but with the other.

In the darkness, in the calm I hear the familiar tones of that great revenant mystery clear as a gong in the mountains at night:

"The panther paces.

Waiting reminds him that clarity is painful
but his pain is unreadable,
obscure, chiaroscuro to their human senses.

In time they will misread his gait,
his moon mad eyes,
the almost gentle way his tail caresses the bars.

In time they will mistake him
for someone else-
without history,
without the shadow of being,
a creature without penance of living.

They will read only his name.

They will be unable to perceive
what strangeness
lies beneath his patience.

Patience is the darkest side of power.

He is dark.
He is black.
He is exquisitely powerful.

He has made pain his lover
and hidden her completely.

Now he will never forget.

She will give birth to memories
they believe he has been broken of.

He smells the new rain,
tastes its change.

His claw skates along
the cold floor.

Love curled up and died
on such a floor.

He blinks.
Clarity improves.

He hears other creatures scream and fade.
But silence is his.

He knows.

In time the gates will open.
In time his heart will open.

Then the shadows will bleed
and the locks will break..."

Big Fat Effin lines that you ought not to cross...

and expect to keep a friendship with me. These have been a long time in coming, but I am happy to have a handy dandy version written up so that there is no misconceptions later on down the lines.

In no particular order:

Lie to me.

Lie about me.

Lie to me.

Make baseless accusations at me, my character, this falls under lying about me as well.

Lie to me.

Show no respect for my needs/feelings while expecting me to respect yours.

Lie to me.

Willfully hurt those that I love.

Lie to me.

Cut communications with me.

Lie to me.

So here we goes

Guess what happens when you cut communications with me? - I lock you & your issues in a box & throw a stamp on it. Once enough time has passed I burn it & you out of my life. Because I am worth more than the sucking black hole you have turned out to be.

I am no longer willing to be devalued

Latest in the Most Selfish Man on Earth saga: started hassling me tonight because I said something in front of him that made him uncomfortable. He started at 2200. I have a test tomorrow, a week of tests this week, so of course I am prepared at a moment's notice to re-evaluate my entire relationship w/ him & both of our behavior since then. I am prepared to have a rational discussion aka measured words so that I am not causing him purposeful pain. I acknowledged this as I realized some of my responses were getting sharp. He then decided that this meant that I no longer valued him as a human being & accused me of interrupting his involvements w/ others. I have tried really really hard not to do so. So at midnight - at fucking midnight: He stated that he couldn't trust me being around & then brought up 2 "incidents" from over a month ago - that he'd been clearly holding onto w/ no intentions of bringing up in an other than accusatory manner. At any point if I had offended him he could have said something - he didn't.

I AM FUCKING SICK OF HAVING TO BE HIS GODDAMNED PUNCHING BAG WHENEVER HE DECIDES TO MISUNDERSTAND ME OR JUST FEELS LIKE LASHING OUT AT ME.

I am sick of dealing with his fragile fucking ego & being nice & being kind. I call him selfish. He is selfish. He has behaved in a selfish manner in his interactions with me. He wants to "salvage our friendship" but then only has any interest in this when I do something that he finds displeasing. WTF - I'm supposed to trust that shit???

& now suddenly just like before he has no interest in it. Funny that load of bullshit he'd tried so hard to sell me tonight.

I am worth more than this crap.

Currents

Fly doing death throes in the corner of my web of friends & relationships. It had no direct lines to my anatomy. I'm happy to cut it out completely. I'm a fan of killing flies, removing problems, & making things non-issues. I have never regretted cutting a single person out of my life, nor do I make the decision lightly. In recent years: a sexual predators, an unmedicated psychotic, a rapist, as I struggle to think of others only the apologists of the sexual predator & rapist come to mind.

Rest for now. Lots of rest for the night.

The wicked man flees though none pursues...

Yep, I'm watchin "True Grit" tonight as I try to settle for the new job.

Though the quote hits me as the grapevine came in last night - my ex-housemates made a facebook show of changing their locks due to unsavory elements trying to get at them. I know that I want nothing to do with them, I haven't set foot in their house since I moved out. I haven't set foot on their property since I assisted the removal of their last tenants. I find them to be horrible people. Both of the lies they spread & the sexual assaults I know that they have both had a hand in covering up. I'm not pursuing them, neither is anyone I care about. As such I find it hysterical that they seek to hide themselves, painting themselves as victims. People that they have spent a good amount of time badmouthing have left their company & "friendship". Wow, soooo put upon,

Oddly a different grapevine delivered news of a woman being upset with me because I wrote "In this house we do not support rapists" on my facebook. This woman cracks me up beyond words. I will never understand what use being upset is when you do nothing about it. "Wah wah wah" in the corner, without communication to the people you are actually upset with is utterly pointless to me.

Dolphins Fucking on Indian Time

Dolphins have sex facing eachother, they also have sex for pleasure - but have you ever watched footage of them having sex? They sort of swim at eachother & then are intimate then away again & back again in these fantastic dances in the water from away to utterly intimate in a dance to music only they can hear.

Indian Time - is a direct reference to Billy Jack - "he's on Indian Time, he's always there when you need him..."

Some relationships are like that for me - deeply intimate - not physically intimate, more emotionally, mentally intimate, depending only on eachother out of the blue - right when we need eachother most. I thought I had written this up at some point - I am rewriting it because I cannot find that - grr arrrgh...

For reals:

Tattoo: "Not Her" on the back of my upper neck - covered by hair when I want it to be. Why? - Because I am not her. I am not your mother, your ex-girlfriend, your sister, your cousin, the woman who cheated on you, the woman who says "I'm fine" but it is really secret language for "I am not fine & you need to figure it out", your grandmother, your daughter, whatever creature of human female genitalia or fem-identifiers that you seem to think I am & insist on treating me as. I am not her.

This is going to happen - this is going to happen by then end of this summer. That is all.

I...

I am not exhausted - this is a radical change. I am not caught up with what I perceive of as my life, but I am not running in an endless hamster wheel for a moment. I am breathing & slowly making changes to the current state of me. I wish for a touch more companionship, but I believe that I have a cuddle friend joining me this weekend. Having said that I expect Wes's sweet ass up here by sun up...

I'm trying to process everything that has happened. The more stories, the more women I talk to, the more rapes & assaults I am made aware of that this man committed - I am so happy that I am as I am. That somehow I was not meat for his pleasure, that my brand of crazy & breed of personality was not enough to draw his predation. As some of you know I used to live in the house my now housemate & her husband were in when she was assaulted.

The man who assaulted her - used to be a friend of mine. I would love to pinpoint when that stopped but it must have been a long long time ago. Doubly so for his wife - the vile things they've said about me & the lies they've told to my face, ridiculousness. I think the moment I lost any kind of belief in her garbage was when they left an event we were all attending & escorted in the Psycho ex-wife of the ex-boifriend. She came back inside & got right in my face telling me some crap about going out to take a call. I hadn't asked where they'd gone, had in truth not noticed them go out. I noticed the Psycho coming back in though - pretty fucked up. To say that she is weak, messed up, or even just not right is an understatement of massive proportions. Then again I've never associated with the spouse of a rapist before, so I don't know how she compares. The one thing that has held true is that I really need to get the fuck away from people who make excuses for others & hurt people indiscriminately, who tolerate the crazypants & encourage it for their own amusement.

Time...

My life in chunks of time lately, sort of floating: A week ago last wednesday I was told by my employer that my services were no longer needed - 2 weeks earlier than we had planned. This gives me 3 weeks off between jobs: I cannot tell you how happy this has made me - to relax & breathe, to catch up on my heart & head, to de-stress. A friend was sexually assaulted by her landlord later that week, less than 10 hours later she was starting to process it. Less than 24 hours later we were moving her & her husband out. The move took 3 hours from the time we (brute squad of 13) showed up & announced our intentions to move them out until we had them moved into my house. In one week our motley household has solidified into a loving caring place of shared meals, shared chores, share annoyances, & shared farts. A week ago tomorrow my godmother took her last breath, in an instant, she was gone, in bed, alone. I drove 2.5 hours home last Saturday, sat through an hour long funeral - somehow restrained myself from killing the priest who chose to use her funeral service as a soapbox for being "authentic Christians" and general evangelism. I've heard my father give better funeral services for practical strangers. I drove the half hour to the cemetery, my godmother, a paternal aunt, is buried next to my father. It felt like every wound was being torn open again. Looking into the eyes of her children, the pain matching my own. Talking & hugging, caring for eachother. The very best parts of being family at the very worst of times.

There will be more, for now I'm gonna curl up in a ball.

Attitude

It was noted today by a friend turned coworker that she is having a hard time w/ the dissonance between my general attitude w/ life & my attitude @ work. "Where is the cynicism?"

I realized that I go out of my way at work to focus energy on the positive. There is so much out of my control, & I bitch about it, oh yes, I do, Hells I named a cocktail after one of my labs because they make me completely nutsy. BUT to my coworkers I try to just believe that issues will be handled. As I type this it strikes me why I am so positive @ work: It could be worse. It WAS worse, taking calls w/ nothing else to do all day was a nightmare. These days I finish my dailies & go begging for more work, I write up documentation & SOPs for myself & coworkers because we have none in place. It makes me a lil crazy but it could be worse.

Outside of work I trend to a realist view of the world around me. By & large I believe the world gets better one winter at a time but I know how bad it has gotten for me & I understand how very little is holding me from it getting bad again.

Happy Birthday for the OLDE Man

43 today - shocked that his brain is still the good kind of mushy.

So happy he is still kicking & writing & making me smile.

Seriously. Thank you Warren Ellis.

VDay

So here I am curled up trying to sleep, failing miserably. A year ago I was sleeping as poorly. I was with a man whom I do not miss in any way. I was in a home which kept me but in which I was an add on. I was depressed, stressed, dealing with drama of all sorts. And of course more to come between the boifriend's psycho ex-wife & the sexual predator I had somehow gotten mixed up with. That somehow indicating less that I don't know how we became involved & more the stark disbelief that I let things slide that far. Work was a nightmare of hours of staring at my hands & waiting for the phone that never rang enough. I was the definition of underemployed. I look back & see so many people surrounding me who wanted to help but also didn't want to get their hands dirty. Friends who watched me hurting and could not bring themselves to say anything to my face, only behind my back.

Tonight I am sleeping alone but much loved by many. I am in a home I can call my own; a sense of my space & energy, less at the whims of others. I am not depressed, very low on stress, and the Queen of ZeroDramaLand. Work is not great but I have moved to a position wherein I am busy most days & I'm learning more & more & I like that sensation. Who am I kidding, I LOVE that sensation. I am surrounded by some of the same & many different people. I'm pleased with the way things have panned out. The ability to walk away - to have the freedom & independence to say "Not in my house" & have it be final, unquestioned, supported - is a sensation I never thought to desire. Least not in all of those years living alone.

Soon there will be more writings -tonight there is only taking stock of the joi in the lack of drama & madness.