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14.2.11

VDay



So here I am curled up trying to sleep, failing miserably. A year ago I was sleeping as poorly. I was with a man whom I do not miss in any way. I was in a home which kept me but in which I was an add on. I was depressed, stressed, dealing with drama of all sorts. And of course more to come between the boifriend's psycho ex-wife & the sexual predator I had somehow gotten mixed up with. That somehow indicating less that I don't know how we became involved & more the stark disbelief that I let things slide that far. Work was a nightmare of hours of staring at my hands & waiting for the phone that never rang enough. I was the definition of underemployed. I look back & see so many people surrounding me who wanted to help but also didn't want to get their hands dirty. Friends who watched me hurting and could not bring themselves to say anything to my face, only behind my back.

Tonight I am sleeping alone but much loved by many. I am in a home I can call my own; a sense of my space & energy, less at the whims of others. I am not depressed, very low on stress, and the Queen of ZeroDramaLand. Work is not great but I have moved to a position wherein I am busy most days & I'm learning more & more & I like that sensation. Who am I kidding, I LOVE that sensation. I am surrounded by some of the same & many different people. I'm pleased with the way things have panned out. The ability to walk away - to have the freedom & independence to say "Not in my house" & have it be final, unquestioned, supported - is a sensation I never thought to desire. Least not in all of those years living alone.

Soon there will be more writings -tonight there is only taking stock of the joi in the lack of drama & madness.

1 comment:

Sean said...

I'm so grateful to have become a part of your life this past year. I hope that I am able to return even a sliver of the light and joy you have brought into my life. *hugs*