Oi

#671 cleaned under bed - done

#692 scrubbed shower & bathroom again - done

#703 scrubbed carpets - done

I think I need to take a nap.  the cats are curled up on the bed beckoning me.

This is gonna be a long week.

I LOVE DR WHO

I'm just sayin so again.  Makes me smile - lots.  Even laugh outloud.

Oi

Pre-Op step 592 - bathed the cats - only a little scratches but the fur - dear lord I think both of them dropped 5 pounds.  I'm cleaning the drain, tub, & of course snaking the drain.  all part of the bathroom cleanup to be finished tomorrow.

I realize the a/c will have to go in the window too this weekend.  it'll be too heavy to lift after the operation & i don't like the idea of living at others' mercy - evil others.

Dates

5/5 Pre-Op Testing Moik is coming with (YAY - not going alone)

5/9 Surgery.  eeeep - keep me in thoughts/prayers/spells/energy/love.

Details of the day today

I arrived at 0630 & the power went out - the freaking Cleveland Clinic the world renowned Cleveland Clinic the power was out - had to park thru the parking garage in the dark - Kate, long tall Kate was there waiting for me & I am sooo happy she was. We ate breakfast in the dark - then we had to hoof it up to the 8th floor since the elevators were down & she walked me up & sat w/ me for a bit then went to work - I stopped by her desk on my way out for love & she called before I got out of Cleveland to make sure I hadn't just broken down in the parking lot

@ the appointment my Gyn/Onc a very cute doc had to do a full pelvic & anal exam (less fun than it sounds) after I did all the hoofing and sweating. Then he explained his plan w/ the slicing & laprascopy - the date is not set yet. I'll tell, I promise.
My exam was followed by chest xray, EKG, & blood draw.

Oi

By the actual time of my appt the electric was back on - so yay lifts & lights.

Quote of the day

"Wishful thinking is a motherfucker" From Seasonz (or whatever bastardization of the word they are using for her name on the show) on "Flavor of Love 3"

Somehow it just fits my mood.

Hi

I am going to have surgery.

I am going to be put under & they are going to cut 3 holes into my abdomen.  They are going to remove the cyst off of my (L) ovary.  Send it to the path lab & get the results.  Then depending on the results either seal me back up or not.  best case they seal me up right then.  Worse case they cut a vertical slit in my abs and remove some of my organs then seal me up & send me home.  Worst case I don't wake up after.

Yep, I'm scared & worried.  you'll have that.

Trying a SURVEY

Conveniently located on the right of the page at the top. I'm curious. I spend a lot of time lately thinking about how I present myself to people, well prospective significant others. Not in that "oh my dear should I let him know I'm less ordinary? - Do you think he's realized yet?" But in the "Hey, you guys know me, kind of, right?" "Well, you read me & don't complain - therefore giving me the feeling of writing at the walls or sometimes mindless minions that exist to sop up my every word and brain drivel with little bits of bread which you aren't sharing with me - you Bastards, not bringing me bread".

So understand that my behaviors won't change based on the results, but I'm just curious. & of course much the same as periodically asking animals & inanimate objects pointblank if they can speak - just so the excuse that "you never asked" can never be thrown at me if one day they do start being more articulate. & it should go without saying but I'm curious too: Is there anyone out there reading this interested in more than friendship?

Thoughts...

Today I realized something. I realized why I used to not breathe so well when I was with Kerry. Not "with" Kerry, but just with him - sitting next to him in the car, sometimes just sitting at the apt, or watching tv. He would notice (blew my mind every time because no one ever notices the little things about me - I'm used to being the hired help somehow in uniform and under the radar). He always jumped to the conclusion that I was upset about something. No matter how many times I told him, reassured him that I wasn't upset. He picked his closest insecurity - either of his own devise or something that his ex-wife used to berate him about and would tell me that I was upset about that. I hate being told how I feel.

So back to the why: I did it because the moment I was in : I did not want to end. I realized that I was happy and my breathing was getting shallower in those moments. More breathing means that the moments are passing. I know this sounds nuts. But I've learned through the years that I love those stupid quiet moments. Moments that I remember in my later quiet moments. My breathing would get shallower as my brain was busy memorizing every second, every atom of the moment. Then I would remember that I needed to breathe. Then I would take longer slow breaths. That's when Kerry would notice, when he would assign feelings to me.

& this is not me waxing romantical about Kerry. This is me being pissed that the fucker never mailed out my stuff back to me the way he said he would because he was too much of a coward to be in the same room as me. Mr hardcore war veteran marine boi too much of a coward to be in my presence in a public place to give me the stuff that had been left at his place after he went out of his way to dump me. This is me hating cowards. People too weak to face me let alone themselves. Fuck you.

The things I'd like to happen

I've written about it before: here. I must say that this is still a good idea to me. If you rape a child - you die. Of course I say if you rape anyone - you die. But then I'm a hateful creature just sparking up long enough to post this before slinking back into the shadows.

Sad

Edward Lorenz is gone. I heart chaos. You know this.

Why did the butterfly flutter by? Because the dragonfly drank the flagon dry.

Love

i love my loves & i love those who love my loves & i love the loves that my loves love.  I feel love in a very stripped down Paula Cole kind of way.  I ask you to feel my love in a very sweet slicing Sisters Soleil kind of way: Est-ce que tu sens mon amour?

These are my thoughts at this moment.  

Sleep peaceful sleep - this weekend I am going to make mad overtime.  Mmmmmmm delicious overtime.

Inspired by my world:

I dumped a handful of chopped up dried lychees into a bottle w/ some Grey Goose today & am very interested in what will pour out of it eventually - well what it tastes like anyway.  

I'm watching yet another bad horror film from the AfterDark Film Fest.  It sucks as horribly as all the others so far this year - not one single scary moment.  

I'm tired & had a full long day (feels like).  Breakfast w/ R & I & E then long walks in flip flops thru the snowing windy badness to & from the BorderMart.  Then delicious late lunch/early supper w/ Jules @ Johnny Mangos = Pomegranate margaritas + my usual + dark red beans w/ artichokes, bell peppers & curry = TASTY.  

I've had some pretty amazing conversations w/ Moik this weekend, very unexpected.  I'm not complaining.  & spent some time w/ George - haven't done that in a while - it was relaxing.  & I hope you smile when you see that, I heart your smile.  Random bachelor from gk2gk and I have not managed to meet yet.  & I had a profoundly deep conversation with an amazing woman in Germany.  We talked about death & coming to terms with it.  It has been a really long time since I've had a talk that deep with anyone.  Kerry never spoke that deep w/ me - I think that is an important thing for me to remember.  My current rounds of friends and I already have an idea of what we think but this harkens back to my rants from long ago about losing my touch w/ those nights of caffeine and artists and baring our souls over endless cups of coffee and sitting in uncomfortable booths and putting the world on hold for the sake of just one more story, one more poem, one more revelation.  I talked to another friend tonight to find out that she just separated from her babydaddy/long term live in /might as well be married lover.  It sounds like it is for the best.  

Oi...

Going to the Gyn/Onc

If you've talked to me lately you know I'm heading on a quest later this month in response to the insanity my body has pulled lately & of course the ultrasound results. I'm going to a specialist, a Gynecologist/Oncologist - which for those of you who are unfamiliar is a "female reproductive organs/cancer specialist" thanks to the complex non-specific mass that is on my left ovary. The blood work that was just ran showed negative for any cancer markers. I'm scared & the fear is met w/ equal parts resolve wanting to finalize what is so strange going on in my innards. There could be biopsy in my future. There could be more pics of my innards in my future - who knows what the future holds. Could be that I'm just fine & my ovary will shrink right on down like it was never unhappy. My lil Frankenovary.

I realize as I type this that I type maybe too much & as soon as that crosses my mind I kill it away by remembering who I am & how I am.
Why hide? I know I've put off blathering this all out because I'm twitchy & the last time the tests were being done in the middle of it all Kerry left. I think that is a fair way of putting it. It speaks to my mindset, the alone thing - realizing that last time my breasts were about to be ultrasounded I sat alone in a waiting room wearing only a hospital gown from the waist up trying to not think about his touch. Remembering other lovers and their touch, so many touches. I wondered who would mourn my breasts (aside from you Ira) if I lost them. The best lover I've ever known is dead already, the men & women who've loved my breasts through the years have passed out of my life for the most part without looking back. Now is the moment you look in confusion back to the top paragraph wondering how I jumped tracks again. I'm sitting here contemplating the reality of letting them take a piece if not an organ out. & yes i'm all for a hysterectomy if it means it takes care of the problems. & no, I don't want kids - no trauma there - But the removal of bits of me - beyond me, my control - unmourned by anyone but me. banging around this box alone.
& then Di Franco purrs against my back & Obi curls under my chin between the computer & licks my arm before rubbing the top of her head against me. I am loved, I know this & i am happy. I love. We'll roll with this next step just like all the rest. Sweet sleep is calling.

I think it is time

to bring back out the Henna soon - I'll let you know how it goes.  There are a few rituals that I think I need to focus on & that should be the perfect medium.  

all good

Up right now w/ the throbby toe - the pinky is now darker like someone took a purple marker to it.

tv today

@ home watching the "Tales of the Rat Fink"  & it is making me giggle & cry alternately.

"married for 64 years when he died..."

Doesn't that say so much. I don't agree with all of his views on the world, but I sure as Hell respected him in his behavior as he stood up for them. Most of his best took place before I was born. Somewhere tween standing up for sane racial relations to his fight to preserve the right to bear arms. I hope he is at peace.

on flying...

Ok so clutz that I am u must picture me walking (trying to walk) from my room to the kitchen to get spaghetti off of the stove I am in brown t-shirt (Jayne: kicker of Asses) which might as well be painted on me, khaki cargo pants that are waaaay too big, the pants are rolled up & buttoned to stay at mid-calf I catch my left pinky toe in the loop at the calf of my right leg, twisting it as i tried to catch myself feeling my forward motion head to the ground instead of the kitchen. Then as if to prove it is better than me I swear I heard gravity laughing as I hit both knees when my lil toes came free - and my right hand hit the ground I'm just saying - this is what I get for pretending I could walk.  Toe pictured above w/ Altoids tin for sizing - Lordie I watch too much CSI

I just wasn't planning on failing so spectacularly at flying today. Wish the bloody squirrel would just teach me to fly - but noooooo he's too busy being Billybadass.

Octopus LOVE!!!

When the Hell is someone gonna fight for me?

Oh such a day...

Check the priest jokes/Catholic hating BS at the door - I'm not talking about anyone's experience but my own & I'm not apologizing for my spiritual path regardless of how far it took me and continues to take me within and without the boundaries set up by all aspects of society (including you my cynical/reactionary little friends)

3 years ago today the pope died (long live the pope) Pope John Paul II had a profound influence on my life. The policies he implemented regarding the younger members of the church, the way he treated & interacted with the youth population in general was such a divergence from previous behaviors. I still find it disconcerting that in this age of information overload more isn't done to incorporate the history of the church, the reasons for the dogma,into the lessons for the youth. The argument can be made that they get it in school, but they don't - different times in history the church was either a $$$ driven force or societal control or worse an excuse for genocide. But there were good things - the spread and preservation of knowledge the inspiration of beauty and questions leading certain individuals to scientific breakthroughs that still effect us everyday. The best way to prevent the bad and encourage the good to repeat in our future is to understand what happened in our past. The church is a living breathing creature as differentiated and malleable as any other on the planet. Of course it all depends on the thoughts guiding it. Under the leadership of JPII I felt safe. I heard him speak of love and acceptance and peace and tolerance all equally and in abundance. His actions backed up his words. I hold differing views on many key issues such as the role of religion in politics and healthcare and research. But that might be because I'm also a Sci-Fi fan & look forward to the future one winter at a time.

I got the news from a txt msg on a cold wintry (sleeting outside) day 3 years ago - I was with Cat & one of her friends & we were in Middleburg Hts to see "Sin City" - I paid for the tkts with a gift certificate from one of my ex-patients who was also a guy I knew from the answering service gig years before that. After the movie we went to Aladdin's and ate food - I had a bowl of Len-Chili w/ Chicken and lemon tea. I'm that girl & I remember details like this. I remember the smells as it sunk in that he had shuffled off this mortal coil. I remember lying in bed that night wondering what he thought of the afterlife. When the movie let out I had 5 msgs on my phone from friends and family telling me he was dead. It still strikes me as odd, no one called when Vonnegut died, not when Hunter S Thompson left us. I remember the anticipation and excitement as the Cardinals came together to discern the next pope. I remember the devastation when he was announced. I remember trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and the first time he made me cringe, the first time he made me cry with words of hatred and intolerance. I can only hope that the future will show that this was a worthy move, that the peace could someday still be a possibility. That one day everyone could agree that the paths up the mountain all lead to the same view. Faith from love not fear or hatred.

This woman

Defines hardcore.

Just another reason

to hate breeders on MySpace.  

Miss Landmine

Seriously - a pageant for bodies damaged by landmines - limbs missing & everything.  I dunno how I feel about this - but I think there is a bunch of fetishists getting off on the photos.

Best thing today

Fucking FOXNews Bullshit - just gives me a focus for my angst.