Today I realized something. I realized why I used to not breathe so well when I was with Kerry. Not "with" Kerry, but just with him - sitting next to him in the car, sometimes just sitting at the apt, or watching tv. He would notice (blew my mind every time because no one ever notices the little things about me - I'm used to being the hired help somehow in uniform and under the radar). He always jumped to the conclusion that I was upset about something. No matter how many times I told him, reassured him that I wasn't upset. He picked his closest insecurity - either of his own devise or something that his ex-wife used to berate him about and would tell me that I was upset about that. I hate being told how I feel.

So back to the why: I did it because the moment I was in : I did not want to end. I realized that I was happy and my breathing was getting shallower in those moments. More breathing means that the moments are passing. I know this sounds nuts. But I've learned through the years that I love those stupid quiet moments. Moments that I remember in my later quiet moments. My breathing would get shallower as my brain was busy memorizing every second, every atom of the moment. Then I would remember that I needed to breathe. Then I would take longer slow breaths. That's when Kerry would notice, when he would assign feelings to me.

& this is not me waxing romantical about Kerry. This is me being pissed that the fucker never mailed out my stuff back to me the way he said he would because he was too much of a coward to be in the same room as me. Mr hardcore war veteran marine boi too much of a coward to be in my presence in a public place to give me the stuff that had been left at his place after he went out of his way to dump me. This is me hating cowards. People too weak to face me let alone themselves. Fuck you.

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