On Samhain

I'm unhappy that things are still unresolved.

I was hoping that things would be settled by the new year.

Oh well. I am cleaner and happier than I have been in a while now. I had a wonderful ritual this evening. Erica joined me - this was a good thing. Letting go of some of the past & preparing for the future.


I love you.

He'll never mess up ur desk again

Robert Goulet died today - while scumfuckers on the planet are still walking around with perfectly healthy lungs. Fuck that.

Happy Devil's Night

I'm not in Detroit.

I'm curled up @ home w/ spaghetti, meatballs - all homemade, red wine - a Pinot Noir that someone left @ my house, & the Crow on my DVD. A Devil's Night tradition in my house. My house - place of me. Mine. Not beholden to anyone. Not being paid for by anyone. But I still remember.

I miss my world.

"Don't look don't look
the shadows breathe
Whispering me away from you
"Don't wake at night to watch her sleep
You know that you will always lose
This trembling
Adored
Tousled bird mad girl... "
But every night I burn
But every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again
"Oh don't talk of love"
the shadows purr
Murmuring me away from you
"Don't talk of worlds that never were
The end is all that's ever true
There's nothing you can ever say
Nothing you can ever do... "
Still every night I burn
Every night I scream your name
Every night I burn
Every night the dream's the same
Every night I burn
Waiting for my only friend
Every night I burn
Waiting for the world to end
"Just paint your face"
the shadows smile
Slipping me away from you
"Oh it doesn't matter how you hide
Find you if we're wanting to
So slide back down and close your eyes
Sleep a while
You must be tired... "
But every night I burn
Every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again
Every night I burn
Scream the animal scream
Every night I burn
Dream the crow black dream
Dream the crow black dream

If only it was understood:

Last Saturday Night

Erica & I @ Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Case campus. Self shot of course - such fun.

Erica all dolled up for the night's festivities.
Me trying to sort out why there is a pic being taken & threatening w/ the bull whip.
BJ - the dude who played Riff - mmmm Riff is my favorite. I love Richard O'Brien. Love as in the white hot passion of a thousand burning suns. In the background the guy in the (L) in the cape is the guy who played Frank. Who caught a Thumper the stripper reference to the House of Leaves, making my night. While we were doing the make up for like half of the cast. Joi & memories - made me feel a little old. Too many years of Rocky.

Seriously, just seriously

I tried to avoid commenting. But seriously, holding a fake press conference is just beyond my comprehension - something out of the sit-coms. Seriously, tv shows handle this sort of thing better. Not that FEMA had far to fall in the eyes of the public.

More of Junior's latest from N'Orleans

Psssst - in case you don't know Junior = Gideon Hodge - among other aliases - or is that aliai? - either way - I love him & he is growing like crazy. I am so proud of everything he is accomplishing.

return to WTF

3 FUCKING YEARS!!!

For urinating on a dying woman in the middle of the street – 3 years in jail, that’s it. Just 3 years for destroying a woman’s last moment of dignity before her death. She was only 50 yrs old. Even my dearly departed father lived longer than she did. The creature of human origin (can’t call him a man – just can’t do it) Anthony Anderson is 27 years old. 27 years old. I cannot fucking wrap my brainpan around the fucking concept of wandering out into the street at the tender old age of 27 and thinking it is a grand idea to pee on someone who is obviously in pain, someone who has collapsed while carrying goods in the middle of the street. Who the fuck thinks that is the right or proper reaction. AND THIS WHOLE THING ABOUT IT BEING YOUTUBE FODDER – what the fuck? What the hell is going on that such a statement is conceivably accepted.

And he was a former soldier – woohoo – when throwing cold water on her didn’t help the situation any he urinated on her instead of checking, hmmmm let’s say her vitals.

AND THE FUCKERS WHO WATCHED. I hope they believe in Hell, well the Judeo-Christian definition of such a place. I, personally don’t, but I hope there is a special place reserved for anyone who could standby and allow such acts to be perpetrated in front of them while laughing – LAUGHING – FUCKING LAUGHING – as a woman died in front of them. LAUGHING as a dying woman was urinated on. I hope they burn, burn in eternal hellfire. I hope that they are summarily disowned by the people who know them. I hope they live the rest of their lives terrified that anyone will discover their involvement and if anyone does discover it, I hope that they ostracize them as if they were plague carriers.

What if part of her was conscious – even a little tiny bit as she lay there. Her brain still processed the things going on around her – imagine lying there, your body betraying you and you cannot move and some stranger begins yelling and laughing at you, then throws a bucket of cold water on you, you cannot move, you cannot escape, you cannot communicate, you cannot make it stop and your organs are shutting down, it is getting harder to breathe, and then the warmth, the sound, the smell the unmistakable stench of urine on you, the sounds of jeers and laughter ringing in your ears as you took your last breath.

Today

I am sitting at the Metro Toyota dealership & something screwy with the WiFi is not allowing me to actually log into anything so I am spending my time typing and reading the news – all of my lovely RSS feeds that I can only view in a cursory manner during my crazy work weeks. I have my weekends to pour over the goings on in the really real world. I am tired. I FINISHED TRAINING LAST NIGHT!!! I still have shadowing to do in 2 weeks. I am very joyous that the shadowing to gonna happen after the next court date. I am also excited about the face to face advocacy training. Although I will be doing the shadowing after the face to face training. I am terrified at the moment that the cost of my car issue will be too much. I am having some brake issues, Like it sounds like there is an airplane overhead when I brake, sometimes, not all the time and it of course has only been going on for the last weekish. ARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!! I hope it will be ok $$$ wise – nothing is simple, and I am also worried about having those extra 6 hours a week back to think. Thinking is not good. Xkcd really said it best today.

& Ectomo has been blocked by the guardians of the interweb at this location for having “nudity and risqué” content. I am fine w/ that. It would be weird looking at porn while waiting at the dealership waiting on my precious to get fixed. ALTHOUGH there is also a block in the Bloxor and other interweb sites that offer games, when better the play a game than when sitting here bored out of my damned mind, watching CNN, smelling cars and burnt coffee, and the sounds of construction through the walls, there is construction going on in the rest of the building. I just got the word about the car. I need new brakes and rotors and an oil change (well I knew about that part, that was scheduled for now anyhow) and it will cost be about $465. SO I AM TAKING DONATIONS!!! – but I will be safe on the roads and until I hear from the Clinic I am still hitting 5 different offices in my 4 day work week. I am exhausted. I can’t hardly wait until this is done and I can get home to my lil bed. I know I have other things to do, but I have been up since 5am and I didn’t get to bed until about 2am – I think last night I connected with a new Waldorf for my Statler at training last night – there was much laughter. I needed that, I was even laughing as I fell asleep. I have been here at the dealership since 7am, and I just got the news on the car now, at 756am, which is not bad at all by car place standards. I dunno how long it will all take, but the process has started. And the road I would usually take to get here is closed so I had to detour around in the rainy dark an extra 20 mins so I didn’t get breakfast. I am hungry, I want to feed and sleep. In that order. I think a lil bowl of frosted mini wheats would be perfect….mmmm fiberlicious. Then curl up and watch some “Good Eats” and fall asleep. I think it is important to note that I just found out that Alton Brown will be present at the FoodExpo here in the land of Cleve shortly. I really want to go just to see him. He is kinda my ideal guy, intelligent, funny, articulate, and can cook. I like that, although it is not necessary to cook to win my heart.
OK it is about 923am and I am freakin tired and want food and my lovely patient is now at work and offered me food and drink and 10% off, well I found out the 10% she had already gotten subtracted from my totals cause she said so. On one hand I am really happy w/ it and on the other I can’t help but to think about what a shitty day it would be if I didn’t have that little bonus feature going for me.



I got out at 1150am - there were a few other repairs all still under warranty that needed to be made & hell, it's not like I was doing anything. bed now.

WAITING

Still waiting on everything.

Just letting you know.

Waiting

Waiting on the call, the magick call about the job.

I've spoken to a lawyer - & am summarily taking donations for fines and costs.

I need to breath.

I need to take a break and dance and scream and shout and kiss someone.

I'm just sayin...

Oh this is going to go well

And this is another shining example of why I'm not going to have kids. Ever.

Such a day

I have meatballs in the crock & horror movie on the tv - well soonish. I'm tired. Corpse Bride at least on tv. I'm hungry-ish. No news yet - still waiting...

Joi

NCIS just made a Princess Bride reference. Not just any Princess Bride reference. But a Dread Pirate Roberts reference used CORRECTLY. I am happy. I am not at training tonight - it was cancelled secondary to the game and parking being an issue. I'm hopefully gonna be sleeping soon - I'm tired and sore, my left arm hurts right around the distal humerus and the lateral epicondyles. Grrrrr.

Why do all of my relationships end up like this?

ok kiddies again w/

the candy covered monkey paws crossing your fingers for me:

I have an interview with the Director of the Dept on Thursday. Freaking cool as I would be working only 2 steps down from him. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I need this.

Yep as the religious right &

all of the "pro-dead women" groups would have u believe Planned Parenthood = Abortion

What we've lost we've gained

Although his physical body is now gone his spirit lives on in those he has touched.


Vernon Bellecourt passed on yesterday.
Chief Wahoo still reigns over the Indians still in the land of Cleve, Leonard Peltier still sits locked away in prison, and we are still destroying the land marveling at the way it is disintegrating before our eyes. My sweetgrass burns in his memory tonight.

So completely

unbelievable that we have sex issues in this country. That sex is dirty, that our teenagers are sick or pregnant (not all, but too damned many), and children so uneducated have no idea what is happening to them until it is too late.

They paid a woman off because her kids accidentally watched porn while she was not supervising them. The first problem is that she didn't raise her kids better or take more responsibility for supervising them. The second is that she thought this was something worth suing over. The third is that the jury awarded her money. REAL MONEY. She got money for ignoring what her kids were doing and leaving them unsupervised in another room and being all shocked and shaken when they, as all kids inevitably do, found the one thing on tv they shouldn't have been watching...

So does mine...

i am done

I'm up

Bouncing around the box as Hank would put it. No one is stopping and telling me to "get in the van". I'm just worn thin, too little butter on too much toast. TENS unit for my hips, a martini in my hand, & a tub of salt water in my wake. I'm still sore. My hips feel like they have been hammered at, & my lumbar-sacral region feels like I'm carrying a weight. I think i might run another bath. I dunno if the soaking helped, but it felt good. Too much headspace, WAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY too much headspace. The screaming monkey brain will not shut up. I need. Maybe I'm just a bird in the tank needing an explanation of what the Hell the damned fish are doing right next to me.

OK update

I'm writing this once, and I am just referring everyone to here, cause dammit, it is too damned looong to repeat every damned time.


Court today and the prosecutor wouldn't even talk to me w/o a lawyer, which is apparently more to do w/ the judge, and the charges against me. YAY the cop who decided to charge me w/ a 3rd degree misdemeanor. So I am facing charges with penalties up to (and this DOES NOT mean that this is the outcome, just the POSSIBILITIES) $500 fine, up to 60 days in jail. It is appropriate for reckless op and since it is the 3rd offense (as in 3rd speed related offense, not reckless op offense) since 1/2007 it is a mandatory appearance, but make no mistake it was the officer's decision to do so. I went 3/10 of a mile going up a hill, onto the highway, and magically my car (4 cylinder lil beaut that she is) went from 0-89 mph. The hell it did, the hell that my car is capable of going that fast that quickly.

So off we go to find an attorney, have "the" conversation, then wait for the court date 11/7/2007.

the end. I am not discussing it anymore. I am not sleeping, my blood pressure is up again and I am losing my damned mind. So I am finishing what I can finish and 11/1 I will start the worrying again. Until then I am gonna go back to focussing on me.



FUCK!

Cephalopod lovers unite...

OK ok ok ok ok

I suck and I am watching the "Next Iron Chef" and I am just tickled that Chef Mike Symon from the land of Cleve is still in the running. It rocks the hizzouse.

Indeed

As the article suggests we should look at the arithmetic of death. I am not surprised by this. I don't know if I should be, but I wish I were. All I can hear in the back of my head is "of course, did you really think it could be any other way?"

I'm gonna lay down now and try to sleep. the good sleep of the righteous, i'm freakin nervous about court, and trying to line up the next interview for this week, i really want this job. It is just perfect for me.

Thank you for all the love and support - I just need it to keep up a while longer.

pain

It hurts. inside, out. I keep telling myself everything is gonna work out; and it may indeed do just that. In this inbetween I am waiting. I'm doing everything that I can. I'm watching "Bionic Woman" still making my mind up about the show (I love Katee Sackhoff) - I want too much.

I want the job

Like for real, I really really really really want this job. It is fantastic, dunno about pay, but it is the perfect thing for me to do til I sort out my next move. I am so excited. Let's just say it combines 3 things I love & having met my immediate bosses I think it would be a good time. YAY!!!


I'm not going in to details, but just keep ur fingerz crossed.

Soooooo

I have the interview this afternoon. I need happy thoughts. I feel good emotionally - if ur keeping score - I can say that cuz I'm pretending my heart will be ok & it will work out - Mentally I feel sound and alert. Physically I am cramping though not bleeding yet - which is good? I think cuz I shouldn't have been bleeding 2 weeks ago. Just weird w/ the internal hemorrhaging it matched the external "period". The Aleve should get me through the interview. Then home to Darvocet. I was worried w/ the physical pain a bit ago when the rest of me hurt so much but I've been fine (physically) the last week - no meds. Except of course the days after the 14 hr day when it feels like someone took a hammer to my hips. I think that has more to do with the sitting for 3 hrs at the end of the day. I'm just weary, excited, hopeful, and wanting. Thanks for listening.

Legal update

I have to go back for a hearing on 10/10 - 1 week from today. My officers (my many many policeman pts) are full of advice & love. 1 of the pts who was not strictly speaking mine, but whom I had fixed a few things on at his primary therapist's request, works at the courthouse and kept an eye on me the whole time on Tuesday. He was impossibly sweet and kind to do so. karma karma karma. So lots of prayers please

The training for volunteering is a huuuuuge help in keeping me preoccupied, I just finished my homework for tomorrow night this afternoon. Apparently we will be going over the face to face advocacy program in a little more detail tomorrow night. I am very interested in helping as a Hospital Advocate, that is to say when a survivor comes to a hospital, I could be called in and advocate for the survivor - basically be there, hold hands, ask the nurse examiner to reiterate questions, answer questions, refer the survivor to other services.

I think I want to do that. I never went to the hospital after I was raped. Not as a part of the ordeal. I went later on, months later and was checked out for STDs, pap smears, etc... I was lucky and wasn't pregnant. I was very alone. I had everyone around me and no one I could really talk to. Even now, I choose my words so carefully. Even now when I talk to the few, it is always a fear that they will just leave, just walk out of my life, disappear. I like the idea of helping again, helping someone else, anyone else through their experience. Every horror story I hear makes my experience more real and more surreal, the emotions in others weren't the same as in me when I had them. I know every experience of everything is unique. But there is so much the same. Last night there was legal stuff, convictions, prosecutions, and the like. My rapist is dead. I am alive, and he is not in jail, he was not ever in jail. He was never prosecuted.

Feh, enough of that. I am going to lay down & prep for my 14 hrs tomorrow - yes Wayne, just like u from 8-10 tomorrow - that'd be why I won't be by to see you anytime soon, but ur in my thoughts.

Bored now...

I'm trying very hard to think of everything but court and Kerry.

I'm not sleeping yet. I'm just here. waiting, biding the time to move quicker
Quicker til I know how tomorrow goes,
Quicker til Kerry & I talk
Quicker til my next Clinic interview (this Friday - keep your grubby lil candy coated monkey fingers crossed)
Quicker til October is in full swing and there are scary things all about
Quicker til my heart is broken
Quicker til my heart is mended

& now I am about to launch into a full on serenade, and I can't afford that cost right now
I'm watching a show we had watched together, and thinking of him, hoping he's asleep or on his way to sleep, hopefully relaxed for a minute, I'd love to think he was thinking of me. But I can't go that far. I just crave.

DiFranco is asleep next to me, snuggled in the down comforter, so precious
Obi is perched on the edge of the back of the bed, everwatchful
I am curled in the dark wrapped around my laptop, wishing I was looking forward to something tangible

I want it all to be over now.
I just want things to keep moving,
I wish I could do so much over again...