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18.9.07

so...

have i mentioned how much i hate puking.

i ate. mashed potatoes - simple, not even spicy
I had it down for 20 mins.

mmmmmm uglier on the way back up.
I'm not ok
I will be
i hate being stoopid
i hate admitting stoopid moves
i hate these moments
They will not be over soon
It is terrifying this next move, stage of things...

"Those little things that keep me going are no longer any good for me"
"Those little things"

Maybe embarassing is more the problem as my face reddens at the thought of disclosing everything. So I won't - I'll make cryptic comments, offering up a play-by-play of the effects on me, rather of me.

exquisite joi and pain. I am loved, I am cared for even as the stoopid parts are revealed. Even as the shame rears it's ugly head in my voice.

I'm gonna lay down, & try not to feel like a little bitty worm on a big fucking hook.

1 comment:

Indychick said...

Puking is the worst, no details necessary. I am very sorry to hear you are feeling like a big ball of shit. Doing stupid things sucks, but you are quite correct, you are loved.