Currents

Fly doing death throes in the corner of my web of friends & relationships. It had no direct lines to my anatomy. I'm happy to cut it out completely. I'm a fan of killing flies, removing problems, & making things non-issues. I have never regretted cutting a single person out of my life, nor do I make the decision lightly. In recent years: a sexual predators, an unmedicated psychotic, a rapist, as I struggle to think of others only the apologists of the sexual predator & rapist come to mind.

Rest for now. Lots of rest for the night.

The wicked man flees though none pursues...

Yep, I'm watchin "True Grit" tonight as I try to settle for the new job.

Though the quote hits me as the grapevine came in last night - my ex-housemates made a facebook show of changing their locks due to unsavory elements trying to get at them. I know that I want nothing to do with them, I haven't set foot in their house since I moved out. I haven't set foot on their property since I assisted the removal of their last tenants. I find them to be horrible people. Both of the lies they spread & the sexual assaults I know that they have both had a hand in covering up. I'm not pursuing them, neither is anyone I care about. As such I find it hysterical that they seek to hide themselves, painting themselves as victims. People that they have spent a good amount of time badmouthing have left their company & "friendship". Wow, soooo put upon,

Oddly a different grapevine delivered news of a woman being upset with me because I wrote "In this house we do not support rapists" on my facebook. This woman cracks me up beyond words. I will never understand what use being upset is when you do nothing about it. "Wah wah wah" in the corner, without communication to the people you are actually upset with is utterly pointless to me.

Dolphins Fucking on Indian Time

Dolphins have sex facing eachother, they also have sex for pleasure - but have you ever watched footage of them having sex? They sort of swim at eachother & then are intimate then away again & back again in these fantastic dances in the water from away to utterly intimate in a dance to music only they can hear.

Indian Time - is a direct reference to Billy Jack - "he's on Indian Time, he's always there when you need him..."

Some relationships are like that for me - deeply intimate - not physically intimate, more emotionally, mentally intimate, depending only on eachother out of the blue - right when we need eachother most. I thought I had written this up at some point - I am rewriting it because I cannot find that - grr arrrgh...

For reals:

Tattoo: "Not Her" on the back of my upper neck - covered by hair when I want it to be. Why? - Because I am not her. I am not your mother, your ex-girlfriend, your sister, your cousin, the woman who cheated on you, the woman who says "I'm fine" but it is really secret language for "I am not fine & you need to figure it out", your grandmother, your daughter, whatever creature of human female genitalia or fem-identifiers that you seem to think I am & insist on treating me as. I am not her.

This is going to happen - this is going to happen by then end of this summer. That is all.

I...

I am not exhausted - this is a radical change. I am not caught up with what I perceive of as my life, but I am not running in an endless hamster wheel for a moment. I am breathing & slowly making changes to the current state of me. I wish for a touch more companionship, but I believe that I have a cuddle friend joining me this weekend. Having said that I expect Wes's sweet ass up here by sun up...

I'm trying to process everything that has happened. The more stories, the more women I talk to, the more rapes & assaults I am made aware of that this man committed - I am so happy that I am as I am. That somehow I was not meat for his pleasure, that my brand of crazy & breed of personality was not enough to draw his predation. As some of you know I used to live in the house my now housemate & her husband were in when she was assaulted.

The man who assaulted her - used to be a friend of mine. I would love to pinpoint when that stopped but it must have been a long long time ago. Doubly so for his wife - the vile things they've said about me & the lies they've told to my face, ridiculousness. I think the moment I lost any kind of belief in her garbage was when they left an event we were all attending & escorted in the Psycho ex-wife of the ex-boifriend. She came back inside & got right in my face telling me some crap about going out to take a call. I hadn't asked where they'd gone, had in truth not noticed them go out. I noticed the Psycho coming back in though - pretty fucked up. To say that she is weak, messed up, or even just not right is an understatement of massive proportions. Then again I've never associated with the spouse of a rapist before, so I don't know how she compares. The one thing that has held true is that I really need to get the fuck away from people who make excuses for others & hurt people indiscriminately, who tolerate the crazypants & encourage it for their own amusement.

Time...

My life in chunks of time lately, sort of floating: A week ago last wednesday I was told by my employer that my services were no longer needed - 2 weeks earlier than we had planned. This gives me 3 weeks off between jobs: I cannot tell you how happy this has made me - to relax & breathe, to catch up on my heart & head, to de-stress. A friend was sexually assaulted by her landlord later that week, less than 10 hours later she was starting to process it. Less than 24 hours later we were moving her & her husband out. The move took 3 hours from the time we (brute squad of 13) showed up & announced our intentions to move them out until we had them moved into my house. In one week our motley household has solidified into a loving caring place of shared meals, shared chores, share annoyances, & shared farts. A week ago tomorrow my godmother took her last breath, in an instant, she was gone, in bed, alone. I drove 2.5 hours home last Saturday, sat through an hour long funeral - somehow restrained myself from killing the priest who chose to use her funeral service as a soapbox for being "authentic Christians" and general evangelism. I've heard my father give better funeral services for practical strangers. I drove the half hour to the cemetery, my godmother, a paternal aunt, is buried next to my father. It felt like every wound was being torn open again. Looking into the eyes of her children, the pain matching my own. Talking & hugging, caring for eachother. The very best parts of being family at the very worst of times.

There will be more, for now I'm gonna curl up in a ball.