Complicated, Polyamorous...

I am complicated: A loving, hateful, kind, harsh, open-minded, judgemental (capable of judging & applying those judgement calls to my life), hyper-analytical, ruled by emotions & instincts, yay me. I am also not capable of simple relationships these days. My last real relationship, can we call it that? - it certainly went on for a while but when a boi can't even tell you my eye color - really? - no. Bloody hells no, add in a psychotic wife/ex-wife and you have me playing punching bag for their emotional bullshit on top of the hard places my life was going through. & in all honesty her punching bag. I became the focus of her bad wiring. I feel bad for the next girl he gets involved with, whoever she may be, unless the anti-psychotic meds have been administered appropriately. I digress, I really feel a font of horrible sounding truths about her that I have kept silent on for a long time, I know I took a few too many attacks from her in silence. Regardless I am complicated. And I am officially in a complicated relationship with someone. I like it - we've been working on it for a while I guess, we spend time & communicate & it feels good. No haze or "if we don't talk about it, it doesn't exist", he doesn't hesitate to tell me what he is thinking, affectionate without fear. I am happy about it. I was happy before we said "yes" officially.

Random

Ok so based on the premise (that I do not attempt to legislate): abortion is wrong & assisted suicide is wrong & morning after pills are wrong. Is it wrong to have wild unprotected sex after you find out you are dying, say 3 months to live, knowing that any disease or child that may come as a result of it won't come to fruition before you die? AND more importantly does it make a difference if you are male or female?

I'm up & running

On another blog & on the Facebook & setting up the Etsy. I am happy & plugging away at it - I think I just became too sick of waiting for EVERYTHING to be finished.

The official name I am selling under is Dendritic Belles - sort of suiting both myself & the pieces.

So much happiness as things are coming together.

Plots within plots within plots

I am sorting through it all & I will have Etsy & blog up within a week. Oh the seriousness of my existence. I want to continue making money at the necklaces. Full disclosure soon. I'm joi.

"Will you make me some magic with your own two hands?

Can you build an emerald city with these grains of sand?

Can you give me something I can take home?

I can do that."

Dreams

I actually dreamt this morning. It was a return to a place I've been only in dreams. In the dream I was trying to escape, as the building was about to be destroyed but I kept getting further in trying to save others. With every step further in it was being revealed that we just needed to leave, to stop trying to fight & get out. It was a government conspiracy to destroy a building full of families & young people - my friends some I recognized, some I haven't met yet. Of course there was a boi & it was "Mr Man of My Dreams" - same dude I've been dreaming of for years - still haven't met IRL. Part of the reason I was there was because he was on his way back to us & then I was supposed to leave with him. He was our collective ride/trying to get help for all of us. The rest of me was realizing that even if he brought the promised help they were going to kill everyone there & destroy the building. As I woke up I was railing over that fact & trying to get people to leave with me - the only way out was into the water. At one point they were looking online & it was being revealed that we weren't "supposed" to be getting out. There was no place for us to go. I remember arguing about whether we could make a difference fighting as they rolled in tanks: survive & witness & keep fighting or stay & die, martyr to a cause no one knew existed.

Moral is that just because I see the truth I cannot make others see it. & just because I know they need the information if they won't take it from me then they are responsible for their own lives or lack thereof. I need to let go of the guilt.

Much better now, thank you.

ack tired...

Things are moving w/the hackerspace, I am happy. The new space tonight, I somehow want to have the right temp for me to relax & get into it. Instead I feel overheated & gross. I am blurgy, I spent the day on the phone w/ Medicare trying desperately to sort out verification of coverage for patients.

On the insane side I saw one of my old old coworkers, I loved seeing her, her daughter was having her hair done by the woman about to do my hair. My hair is lovely & we managed to catch up on all the goods. I forgot how much I loved the people at that job.

I had a long listen w/ a friend who jumped off of the wagon & is in the process of swinging himself back onto it. It was good to hear truth from him. I'm worried but not freakin out about him. There is a part of me that believes that I've done my very best to give him the options that I know for his situations & to support him, but I cannot make him follow the path I want him on. I know that.

The trees - Plasti-Dipping the bottoms of the roots seems to be the trick to letting them retain flexibility & not scratch surfaces. I think that I need to do 2 coats on the sharpest bits. I'm refinishing the copperwire w/pale blue/green glassbeads necklace that I finished last night, needed to shorten it & re Plasti-Dip it. Cure tonight & set to wear to work tomorrow. The commissioned piece I sold to a coworker has already landed another commission on my desk. I am pleased. I am utterly joious. I am not budgeting $$$ into my life from this stuff, but I am starting to make a bit of $$$ for the $$$ I've spent on supplies. I just want enough to pay for hackerspace proper membership & possibly fund a "getting-my-life-back-in-order-right-goddamned-now" savings account. I would love to have enough socked away to survive alone. I would love to go back to surviving alone. Granted people have become center stage in my world again. BUT I miss my independence.

Following this note - it is kinda messed up but my time w/ the boi are my most independent feeling times lately. Not in control of him sensation or "teaching/showing" sensation. Just free & stable & balanced on my own feet. Back to BNL lately on the revolving playlists, i'm sure rounding the corner back to Buffett, but you'll have that when I crave the lyrics of my life.

"Anything plain can be lovely, anything loved can be lost

Maybe I lost my direction, what if our love is the cost?
Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost
What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time?
What if I nursed this infection? Maybe the worst is behind "

Necklaces - 2 of the commissioned pieces

I loves them soo much, I need to get pics of the other piece, red wire w/ pink glass beads, reminds me of cherry blossoms. Etsy store will be up & running within the month.

Peaceful

This weekend has been all about stumbling from point A to point B & somehow avoiding pain as best I can. I LOVE the fact that I am thinking at work more than before. However, I hate that my hands are mostly tied as I try to fix things. the stress has added to the pain. Most of my workdays this week I have been at 5/10 pain all day. 7/10 when arriving & leaving, it has been a lot of pain, I do no t like pain.

Last night I headed to the dungeon for voting on the bylaws & enjoying the party. It was a wonderful night of stories & touch & discussions from D/s theory to business ethics. I love that the soundtrack hasn't changed in 15 years - still a lil Lords of Acid, lil KMFDM, cries of pain & pleasure. I think I want to throw together some new playlists, heavier on the Enigma & VAST - also not new, but not the same old either.

I feel like I really needed that, I arrived at home, took meds, watched some "Masters of Horror" & curled up to sleep. It was really really nice, I haven't felt that kind of fulfillment in a while now, the social aspect. Last Thursday night I slept over w/ the boi. We'd spent the evening watching "Despicable Me" followed by dinner w/ mutual friend. I loved the movie. I loved the time w/ friends. At his place we took care of chores & settled in to "Pushing Daisies" - followed by curling up to sleep. It was very very satisfying. It felt really good - not the whole - I'm soo in love w/ him & I love sleeping in his arms. But the I felt safe & cared for by the man next to me. He sees me at least a part of me & after going unnoticed & unknown by a partner for so long it is almost overwhelming at moments to be cared for. In May I experienced a similar sensation piled into my bed w/ friends. I was more than just an interesting red head to them. I love my friends.