Love letter

to Archer,

Splooge, I love you. I love your dark & twisted humor. I love the way you say wonderful things for no reason. I love laughing at those people we just shot & set on fire in the other room...

I don't want to have any of your accidents. You make me laugh out loud even in reruns.

Thank you.

Tired & full of angsty madness

Finished what could be the trunk of my second tree - not satisfied. Oi - feel like I am waiting on everything to drop into place. Possibly so. I just hate the consistent runaround from people - let's be honest - one person. I hate waiting for crap that I know. I hate being at the mercy of someone else's shitty self esteem. I hate having to wait for them to think they are worthy to handle situations.

Weak.

Can hz huge bruizez on mah legs

I do not know from whence they came.

I've tried to be gentle w/ myself this week. Oi. Tomorrow = hackerspace then home, sleep & sweet dreams await my ever easing mind.

Oi

Awake since 0230. I'm tired, headachey, sinusy, sore throaty, hot in my head, & cold in my limbs. Just checking in, my C5 vertebrae just popped into place & I hear the wind & rain outside. Hopefully less snow. It was slushy on the drive home last night. I'm hungry. I had Red Threat for supper last night. My housemate is finally kicking off some merchandise for sale that is starting online & will eventually have a physical storefront (color me proud beyond words). At some point I will have delicious pics of the tree up. There is a part of me that wants to do a Strange Fruit homage w/ a lil wire noose in a tree. I see the image in my head & get chills. I dunno if that makes me sick or some kind of freak. I realize 90% of my world will not get the reference. I started comparing my tree to the old psych test of "draw a tree". I'm wondering at all of the ideas that I have, of all the things I want to incorporate into it.

I'm wanting iced caramel latte when I get up today. I showered before bed - fell right under afterwards. Wes called at 0400 - threatening to come cuddle me til I fall back to sleep. $ says he'll be here soon, showing up in the middle of the night, crawling in next to me. Not tonight, most likely this weekend. He's worried. I am too. The fear of the last month has only been equivalent to the fear when I found out my rapist was stalking me again. That was long before I started writing this. I fail for words to describe how much the recent verbal assault harkens back to that period. The emotional traumas clawing back from deep inside. I saw him dead - I poked the corpse - somehow, some nights it doesn't help. I feel like I've been locked inside a trap for so long & I've finally succeeded in gnawing off my arm to get out. Now to figure out how to live without it, how to protect the damaged limb from others seeking to hurt me.

So parcel arrived - sheet sets & the Watchmen from Woody -the subtleties are not lost on me. Sleep more & stop letting people commit illegal acts. It is 0500 - I'm gonna try to catch a touch of sleep before work.

Still @ the hackerspace

Finished a tree. I sat & smiled & enjoyed people. I was snubbed by someone I thought was a friend. Really a sad state of affairs. Gonna have to sort that out sooner than later. I hate Schrodinger's relationship, even among friendships.

OK off to home soon for food & peace...

Time

I choose time limits for a reason. Be it the freight train or the end of the tunnel I need to know the end is coming. I need to be back in the light. When I ask for decisions or responses within a timeframe it is code for "do it or I'll do it". If I am looking for answers & taking the time to listen instead of make assumptions, it is only through great introspection that I have determined that I do not know the answers. If you choose not to answer me - I will choose for you. The worst case scenarios become the reality. They become what I will paint you with because you chose not to clarify. I've lived through horrific things. I've seen & tasted & smelled & touched horrible things. So when you refuse to respond to me I presume you are now one of those things. I'm not talking about dolphins fucking on Indian time. I'm talking about willfully knowingly agreeing to a timeframe then ignoring it as it passes. I believe the lesson we learned in January of 2009 is that I am worthwhile. I know I am worthwhile. I am unwilling to be treated like a second class friend or human being. If you want me, keep me. If you don't, there is the door. If you don't have the courage to stand beside me then I'd rather not have you in my life. I think I need to go back to surrounding myself w/ men who carry blades & know how to use them. Any Odinites left in my world?

Still moving

Weekend was wonderful in a lot of ways & awful in others. I need clarification before documentation because I have some horrible things to say & some shining truths that will cut.

I can't wait for the things I'm working on to come to fruition. Can't wait til the rest of the truths come out.

The storm is making things nice & clean again.

I think I'm in love...

Virtuoso - as brought to my attention by Warren, I want to hold his delicious brains in my hands & feel them pulse. Really pretty & the storyline has sent me twirling away.

& I found detailed instructions re: how to make a thing I fell in love w/ as a childe. My mom got one as a present from one of her patients. I'll hopefully have pics up soon. Little twisted wire tree...

Listening to Bushido @ work right now - The Prince (Machiavelli) is on deck; it had been waaay too long since I've read it.

Mmmmm delicious lil fetuses...

Psycho

Not even the fun Angry Psychos kind of crazy.

Found out i offended someone by not tagging them in a note I wrote on FB. I've written what, 5 notes? Ever, on there, I left off someone because out of my what, 600+ friends on there I didn't think of her???

OK fucking psychos, I'm done w/ the borderline personality, paranoid schizophrenics in the world. I want a mental health clearance that you are not going to cause me or mine harm before you can get on the bus.

People say I'm intimidating, too tall too bright, too much energy & they don't like it when the room gets heavier, the pressure builds & they feel like they maybe just got too deep.

I haven't thrown a punch in anger since pre-highschool. I've never screamed in anyone's face, trying to intimidate them.

I don't need to.

Maybe I need to avoid girls & very effeminate bois, not the gays, loves my gay husbands. But the lil girls w/ their imagined wounds & inexplicable jealousies.

There isn't a person in this world that I'd rather be right this moment. Not even ashes in the grave for a change. Which reminds me: took 5 full minutes upon waking today to sort out why I was alone. Really strange, usually a minute as I come up tops. I'd ended up on the far bed against the body pillows. I was curled around them, in dreams safely tucked in Johnny's arms. Hard to sort that he wasn't here, reached for Adam, he wasn't here either. Just took longer than usual to realize they're gone & not here. Now that the weather is here I wish you were beautiful... err umm i mean this drink is too fruitiful, I think I'm gonna be making an overnight to the graves soon. Might work to reset my internal clock, might just be a good night's sleep. I know I need it, if I keep saying it I'll get my butt in the car & get there. Or you will come pick me up & drag me there...

*** of note***

I dunno when/how I can finish the middling pieces. However I'm home & back to writing more often than not. even if it is only babbling away. Looking back it is like a lovely record of things that took a giant hit this year. I took a giant hit this year. I did some stupid things & let stupid things happen. I'm better now. I have extra cayenne in my chai, considering exactly which dark spiced rum I'm going to purchase to add to it when I drink again. Mmmmmmm rum & chai, lordie, you'd think I was dating Cevan again. I do miss sliding like a child on his latex sheets, the thought makes me giggle.

Is pleased...

I'm actually able to function again. A little, anyway. Feel like last night was transmuting the waters of life. The plans within plans all came clear. All it took was one line. A friend chastising me, knowing only a corner of the story, believing I was being horrible & immature. It all crystallized. It was like the moment our fate was sealed. When Adam & I knew the answer to the question she refused to give. When I fell asleep for the first time in the arms of a man. The bells rang & flames glowed & breaths were held as the universe took note of the choice made @ the turning point. In my muddering, my puddering, my inability to make decisions, to see a path, to sort a way through the underbrush. I was just handed a machete. Hell I was just handed a map, the opposing team's playbook. Sooo much of which was already in front of me. I was just too blind to put it together. The almost audible "snick" as it fell into place.

No worries folks. All will be well shortly. Now that I know what is going on for realsies, not just for guesses, instincts, and inferences.

& Jason, Woody, so we are clear when you call me bout this here lil post. No need for muscle. I feel like gravedancing in my sleep in the very near future. You should join me. I have enough energy to throw into it that we might just raise up some love. I found darkness in the heart of the sunshine, got blinded by the light of the moon.

I'm comin back around

& when I do there will be more posts.

In the meantime musings of my muse.

I'm not paranoid. You aren't paranoid when they are out to get you. I have photos of the people following me, I have recordings of the whispers I hear in the darkness. I see their plays 3 moves ahead. It is not my fault you cannot see it.

I'm not crazy. The voices are real. You aren't crazy as long as you question your own sanity - right? The taste of the color is real too. The pain where my heart used to be is only phantom pain. If you give me some meds I'll go away, I promise.

I'm not heartbroken. He didn't break my heart. He never really had it. I kept it hidden away. I told myself I cared, I trusted, I loved. But really how can I love when my heart is 6 feet under & locked in a coffin. When the last man who held it kept it tightly in his hand as he died.

We never really made love. I was just the piece of flesh he fucked because the woman he wanted didn't want him anymore. He never looked me in the eyes when he was inside me. Closing his eyes picturing her. I was only a momentary satisfaction that never really satisfied. He left as soon as he could after. I was a drink of water while he waited for the rain to return. He didn't love me. He mumbled it when he thought I expected to hear it. Just enough to let me believe what I wanted & not what was real. Not on purpose because he never meant to break my heart - right?

Those are pretty. I want to turn them into real lengthy poetry bits as it is I hear myself singing them into an audience w/ Aaron beside me on the violin.