I love my life, my family, and my friends. Thank you terribly for your love and support right now. As soon as I know more I can tell you more. Just suffice it to say that screaming monkey brain is rampant. Please send thoughts, love & energy to my ill friends, to their physical wellbeing returning as soon as possible. Nothing is public yet, so I am a touch hamstrung from discussing what is really aching my heart - let me tell you a story.
Oberon, Obi, Obi Wan Kittie, uber-Bitch, my large orange tabby queen disappeared in mid-April. She has been with me for 17 of her 19 years. It tore me to pieces. I couldn't emotionally handle it, add in my usual spring issues, anniversaries of everything from deaths to the rape I associate the spring w/ some pretty rough times, a ridiculous dose of job stress, unnecessary relationship stress, and of course having to deal w/ the psycho ex-wife of the ex-boifriend's resurge of shit. I dealt w/ Obi's disappearance by breathing and letting go. If she needed to go off and die then so be it. I searched, I wept, I prayed for her to be at peace. I accepted that she was indeed most likely dead and gone forever.
In July she was spotted by me - I made Justin stop the car, really quite suddenly. I ran back about 5 houses & in the driveway she sat looking at me. mrrrreowing for all her worth all raspy. She was down about 7 lbs, so skinny like she was when we first met. Along her abdomen there were tumors and lesions. A vet visit was in order, she was mostly clear of obvious infections/parasites. The xray showed clear lungs. The tumors needed to come off & so they did followed by biopsy. They were adenocarcinomas, during the surgery there appeared to be no metastases. In cats, given her medical history, age, etc... It will be most likely that the cancer moves to the lungs & kills her fairly quickly. The vet's final verdict was "months, not days or weeks and not years, but months." I have her quarantined in my room & D is in and out daily. I love her and want her to be out and about but I want her to feel comfy for whatever time we have left.
She sleeps between me and the door or in my arms. Ever guarding, ever keeping me safe. There is going to come a day when I put her down, when her passing is at my behest, to save her so much the pain of a slow death that I cannot prevent. Currently watching "The Big Chill" and I guess the best image is that I feel like Glenn Close in the shower right now, as I have for months: surrounded by friends, crying alone, hurting over things I cannot bring myself to share, that is not an invitation, only an acknowledgement.
2 comments:
Just the other evening I was thinking about how it was the perfect night. It was cool & breezy with the scent of burning leaves. It was an ideal night for sitting on the lake in a sweatshirt w/a delicious adult beverage. (Bell's Double Cream Stout, Sam Adams Oktoberfest, mulled wine w/clove & cinnamon, or a strong coffee with Kaluha, whatever) All in one moment I was smiling @ the memories of being w/my friends on Lake Erie; yet sad because they were so far away. I am sure we all go through this.
But then you remember that no matter how far away your true LIFETIME friends may be, they wouldn't hesitate to be by your side in times of need. Then you smile again, & you feel warm with love & gratitude. Feeling lucky to have those few, yet amazing, people in your life.
This posting about Obie, wow. The idea that she has been with you for 17 YEARS? I REMEMBER when you GOT Obie. That house? Those people? That's when Laurie entered our lives, etc. We were BARELY old enough to vote! 17 YEARS? (I'm having a Jeremy Piven moment. You're laughing.) That kind of friendship? We have now known each other for half our lifetimes. That's DEEP. We may not see each other nearly as often as we would like. But when we do? It's like it was yesterday. Wow, are we lucky.
I LOVE YOU
Good lord how the time goes by, I can see you visiting me after work w/ pizza in tow in the basement of the dorm as I crowded around the tv. I don't know how we managed to get through it all but we have.
Love you too!
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