oh happy day

There are a few posts between this & the last which will be published with time. But I wanted to interject my absolute joi. I am in love with myself & those closest to me. I am currently dressing for the party tonight. I am excited and joiful at the prospects of fun before me. Just needed to share. I even received my lab results today & my numbers are all where I expected them to be - which means good, just barely within the limits of good but good nonetheless.

On a side note - I think my animal spirit guide for 2011-2012 is the Honey Badger. Having finally accepted this, the strength & peace is wonderful.

This piece from last November

Apparently bears repeating:

If you don't like it or are taking my writing personally - stop reading. - I don't force the people I have in mind when I do write to the living, to read it, Jase, Wes, feel free to chime in on that one as you are usually the peeps I have in mind. For all others, this is not for you. This is for me & the people that I care about, continuing to read my writing for some strange ammunition, for more of my "hurtful hidden messages meant just for you", etc... Is officially discouraged.

This is not a syndicated blog or a blog that has a readership/following - frankly most of my friends do not trouble themselves to read it. Least not the ones who interact with me often IRL.

Also: reading my posts on here or any other social media & deciding you know what is going on in my life is ridiculous. You get a corner, a snippet of what I can or am allowed to discuss in these forums. Nothing more. If you actually want to know more I can always be contacted directly about it.

I now return to my usual processing & drama-free existence.

Today at work

I did it, I managed to rock out more than anyone on my team. This means that 1/2 my team was there only half time or that they were recovering from serious throat/head colds, and the rest were feverishly working on other projects... So maybe not too much to be excited over, BUT I completed a bunch of points off of the sprint & managed to read 2 chapters in one of my required reading books, AND reread the first chapter of the book for the professional book club I've become a part of which meets tomorrow. I feel like I am starting to be competent at work. It has been almost 120 days since I started. It is still the best place on Earth to be working, for me at least, right now - after a ridiculous lunch of a slice of chicken club pizza and a salad, I enjoyed a fabulous massage to my lower back and piriformis. I feel really really good right this moment.

Of course saying all that - I am about to clean the carpet in my room for the 3rd time in 3 weeks. Somehow the cats dumped the litterbox over AND Obi was up all night every few hours puking. It was terrifying waking to her, but she seems to be ok today.

Then there will be booze and a nice hot shower. Snuggling under covers and then the new Torchwood on Netflix streaming. Really, I am feelin the warm and safe.

& My Baby Sis's bday is today & A certain housemate got great news. Seriously. I just want this down as an awesome day.

Just So We Are Clear...

It was brought to my attention over the weekend that people seem to think my writings about the Most Selfish Man on Earth are about the demise of a Relationship, a Romantic Relationship, a boifriend/girlfriend Relationship. I assure it is not. It is in fact about recognizing the manipulations and lies I tolerated during the course of a friendship, a (small r) relationship. It has cost me friends, it has cost me people I cared about. I am happier than I ever was while friends with this man. My emotions are no longer being played like a yoyo at his every whim and need for attention. I am joiful that it is over, that I never have to contend with his lies again. It took so long for me to recognize many of his tricks that they were happening all the way back during what he described as our Relationship (capital R), that ended over 8 months ago.

I just thought I would be clear on that. I still feel utterly used by him and my disgust with him is pretty strong. I'm also not saying that everyone on Earth sees him as a useless piece of garbage, a selfish, self-centered, self-important, lying, manipulative asshole. However that is exactly what he was to me.

How I love my friends

I love my life, my family, and my friends. Thank you terribly for your love and support right now. As soon as I know more I can tell you more. Just suffice it to say that screaming monkey brain is rampant. Please send thoughts, love & energy to my ill friends, to their physical wellbeing returning as soon as possible. Nothing is public yet, so I am a touch hamstrung from discussing what is really aching my heart - let me tell you a story.

Oberon, Obi, Obi Wan Kittie, uber-Bitch, my large orange tabby queen disappeared in mid-April. She has been with me for 17 of her 19 years. It tore me to pieces. I couldn't emotionally handle it, add in my usual spring issues, anniversaries of everything from deaths to the rape I associate the spring w/ some pretty rough times, a ridiculous dose of job stress, unnecessary relationship stress, and of course having to deal w/ the psycho ex-wife of the ex-boifriend's resurge of shit. I dealt w/ Obi's disappearance by breathing and letting go. If she needed to go off and die then so be it. I searched, I wept, I prayed for her to be at peace. I accepted that she was indeed most likely dead and gone forever.

In July she was spotted by me - I made Justin stop the car, really quite suddenly. I ran back about 5 houses & in the driveway she sat looking at me. mrrrreowing for all her worth all raspy. She was down about 7 lbs, so skinny like she was when we first met. Along her abdomen there were tumors and lesions. A vet visit was in order, she was mostly clear of obvious infections/parasites. The xray showed clear lungs. The tumors needed to come off & so they did followed by biopsy. They were adenocarcinomas, during the surgery there appeared to be no metastases. In cats, given her medical history, age, etc... It will be most likely that the cancer moves to the lungs & kills her fairly quickly. The vet's final verdict was "months, not days or weeks and not years, but months." I have her quarantined in my room & D is in and out daily. I love her and want her to be out and about but I want her to feel comfy for whatever time we have left.

She sleeps between me and the door or in my arms. Ever guarding, ever keeping me safe. There is going to come a day when I put her down, when her passing is at my behest, to save her so much the pain of a slow death that I cannot prevent. Currently watching "The Big Chill" and I guess the best image is that I feel like Glenn Close in the shower right now, as I have for months: surrounded by friends, crying alone, hurting over things I cannot bring myself to share, that is not an invitation, only an acknowledgement.