I generally don't regret. I weigh my decisions & interactions, my choices in general very carefully. Not stops me in my tracks paralyzed w/ fear trying to pick a path sort of way, but you've met me, simple fast blink decisions. I screwed up. I was a poor judge of character. I let emotions get involved with the facts presented to me & I chose to believe in someone who should not be believed. It has come to my attention recently that a trusted friend should never have been that at all. In fact I feel awful. Not because I made that mistake. People (including myself) make mistakes, they screw up & that is acceptable. Once a mistake has been made, once it has been realized to be just that; everything then looks to how one handles themselves. Do they come clean & own up to their mistake & attempt to rectify things with the wronged parties? Do they begin damage control in the fear that others have noticed their mistake & attempt to control perceptions about themselves? Do they attempt a character assassination upon the person who pointed out their mistake in the hopes to discredit this individual?

I've chosen to come clean. Since last spring I have believed someone who has been lying to me. Most of the lies have been about other people. I did not step up on behalf of these others because I did not know them well enough to know I was being told lies. Instead I allowed these lies to influence how I approached & thought of these people. There were truths in the lies. But I realize now that I participated, however unwittingly, in the character assassination of others. I deeply regret that.

It happens when you enter a new group of friends that people talk, they give you insights, they share with you the details of the relationships you are witnessing. This is an important function of the social dynamic. I have found that I have given ear to someone, who is not so bright that they see all the ramifications of their lies (I'm saying this person is NOT a mini-Machiavelli), however they are bright enough to think they can control perceptions of themselves & others. Upon finding out the sheer magnitude of the lies I was told I am in utter shock. It was uncomfortable for me to be told things that people did not want the person they spoke of to know. I accepted it as a part of how this person chose to live, shrouded by secrets, they painted themselves as a public figure that people gossiped about. I've found it has less to do with that, so much more to do with attempts to control perceptions.

Think of this less as complaint or reveal and more as a confession. I've been lied to & lied about. BUT I perpetuated the lies by not stopping them. I feel awful about that. I regret that. I'm sorry that I put my name up in defense of this person instead of the people that were being vilified. Out of the darkness and into the light. Sunlight is the best disinfectant. And all that rot, rather all that growth.

No comments: