If I deem you worthy

I can count on less than 2 hands the number of friends I had in 1991 who are still my friends today. They read me here & never comment. We talk & rarely invade eachothers' lives beyond the very tightest circles of immediate family, spouses, children. And yet I am godmother to their children, I performed some of their marriages, I am their Power of Attorney, they are the first call on most of my emergency forms, when things go sideways they are the first round of calls I make. In recent years I have tried hard to open up to newer friends, to let new relationships get closer. It is a hard discipline I have fallen into, to wait to call the people I know will be there in lieu of letting other people who have offered to be there have the chance. This is a long time to be so close & so distant from eachother. I know why we chose the distancing, it was so hard watching us die & holding on to only eachother. Even now a glance in Jase's eyes stops my heart as I see his brother in them looking back. This strange orbit we've chosen in lieu of collision and the inevitable chaos that follows as our universe realigns. I realize that compartmentalization spills over into other social sets & I work so hard to blend people together & yet you remain untouched. As if I do not want to share you, as if you are all my secret lovers, some strange affair that dare not speak its name in the light of day or dark of night. We know eachothers' actions & reactions as if we were born to them ourselves. Even the surprises are not surprising - When was the last time Jason or I didn't know exactly what was going on before we were told? The respect is so ingrained in us. We've known the boundaries for so long they are worn into our palms sliding along the fence. I hold them farther out than they hold me because of the way I was raised. I spent too many years having everything I cared about stripped away as my parents reached desperately for anything to use as a punishment. I've spent most of my adult life not bringing much of the things I care about anywhere near my biological family, so that which I hold most dear I hold the farthest from them. It has been a huge step to include my family in anything I am doing with my life over the last 5 years.

You know I had a point to all of this ramble. Wes showed up last night/this morning at around 0200 - strangely - despite the fact that I had to work today I was awake. I was in the midst of a conflict with a new friend & it was nice to have a sounding board to sort if I was over reacting on some huge scale to an insult or if it was just my SOP. Could my reaction have been predicted? Long talkings, followed by rest, deep, peaceful sleep in arms that my body knows as well as it knows my favorite pillow. Wes had some good points in our ramblings, one of them was that I hadn't brought a significant other around, ever. The answer rolled off my tongue before I knew what I was saying: That would be like any other widow bringing her latest SO around her dead spouse's family. Just cruel. I hadn't thought about it out loud with anyone. I don't know if I want that to change, but then I don't know if I have had an SO that I trusted enough. So many insecurities coming up, scenarios that I already know the answers. So strange as I lied there realizing how much Kerry {the ex Kerry, not the good Kerry, good Kerry would not wig out at meeting my family & I loved meeting hers, they are wonderful} had wigged out at the idea of meeting my family but he never met them, my inner sanctum, that family of choice that has stood with me through so much more. There are other families of friends he met, he ran the gauntlet from my R&I to the Toledo folk. But he never sat graveside with me meeting Adam, I don't think he would have tolerated it. I don't know that anyone who has been involved with me would tolerate that. Would understand the significance of his life within mine. Short of those merry few everyone else who reads this knows only the outcome, only the me that has emerged from those ashes. & I know the 2 are not dependent on eachother - I could have SOs involved without forcing Adam down their throat as well, but it is me, if you can't handle one, you aren't fit for the other.


Indychick said...

I think that says it all. That was beautiful. Now I'm going to sound like a star-struck teenager. I know I already texted you about this (& YOU were the 1st person) but this is the only place I have to shout...OH MY GOD! I TOUCHED MICHAEL PHELPS!!! He was in MY bar, & he autographed MY wall!! Definately the BIGGEST sports star we've had so far. It was just too cool. OK, I'm done now.

Jezcabelle said...

Dude if that happened to me there would be like 20 posts about it & all w/ pics of exactly where & touched him & what parts of me that touched him....