THOUSANDS OF FREE BLOGGER TEMPLATES �

18.2.09

Hmm


Mardi Gras prep this year:

Remember this?
Well I found out more - many weeks ago - apparently that posting was a catalyst for an actual explanation of what was going on.  A tirade of emails and IMs and even a text message followed.  It was ridiculous how much information was suddenly not offered but crammed at me.  It was never offered to discuss anything just a spewing forth of information, threats, and criticism.  I've deleted all of it.  What I read in detail brought forth that my "friend" had some big issues with me that she never bothered to mention and that while she was distancing herself from me she tried to destroy another friendship of mine.  It was really sad.  I've been told by others who have known her longer than me that this sort of thing is a part of her usual behavioral pattern.  I'm so happy to know this now & not later.  I mourn the woman I thought she was & the relationship that I thought we had but I am happy that her true feelings finally came out.  On that note I feel clean & will not be mentioning it again unless you ask.  

I'm good - I think that was the last thing I was carrying from this past year - everything is on the table/addressed with those whom it needs to be addressed.

16.2.09

Happy Birthday you sick old fuck


I love you

15.2.09

Oh Lupercalia


Oh holy Lupa 
I wonder if we ought to have a sweet lil prayer to her like to the mother Mary - I'll work on that.
This year it has been wonderful: The opening was glorious - we walked all the way to Lily's Chocolates which was really quite nice and though they were sold out of chocolates we talked booze w/ the owner perused their fine fine selection.  A reward for our kindness was a bit of the broken chocolates to taste - I have a dark w/ port ganache (amazing).  Katelynn's art was amazing- the space she was showing in was perfect.  All followed after by Caipirinhas and mango lime margaritas & food at Johnny Mangos.  Last night there was Tequila and porn at Froggy and Tyger's place - I made the margaritas - from scratch - fresh grapefruit & regular.  Soo good.  There were new people and old people and fascinating conversation and good food & drink & I ended up at home at around 0300 - Joi - I'm awake now - I have no plans for today beyond naps & bits to eat.  & rehydrating myself for work tomorrow.  

12.2.09

This cunt should have been stopped

I haven't sorted a punishment yet appropriate for the situation.  But the people who give her money are flaming idiots of the highest caliber.  They should be treated as mental patients; so should she but i want her treated a patient about 200 years ago.  I want her to suffer for the pain she is causing the kids all 14 of them & the interviews wherein she says she plans on having more make me want to sneak in & sterilize her in her sleep.

10.2.09

2 years have past...


And I am now in possession of sweet ass new phone - still getting used to it of course & can I just say that the "Backup Assistant" App is the greatest thing ever - 105 contacts all safe & sound.  I'm assigning ringtones right now - ahhh a whole new scheme.

I love you all - I'll soon have email & web access on it all the time.

i am joi w/ new toy


8.2.09

Sunday morning I miss you the most...


Oh yes I have Ani in my head - I've been up since 0500ish - I'm watching Dark Knight (again) 3rd time in the past 24 hours, apparently I just need to get it out of my system.  I've made good breakfast, small bit of hashbrowns, eggs/cheddar/bacon salt, & hot chai w/ extra cayenne.  I have an herbal orange/cranberry tea that I am slowly sipping w/ honey to calm my innards & throat.  I've given the cats catnip & fury meeses to play with.  I hear them tumbling about my study.  I think once it hits double digits I will throw in Devil's Rejects & do the carpets til the meds wear off then it is FASFA & taxes for me (YAY).  So much to do & so much getting done.  

Laundry later I think - course that means I'll have to get dressed grrrrrr.  & complete change of bedding & mattress flipping.  
Joi

Oh yeah


And this... I so can't wait to see what we do with this.  

Aside, you know, from the fact that we could bring forth another of the 10 plagues of ancient Egypt... not that we would ever do that...

7.2.09

Conceptually this just rocks


I'm so excited at the changes in the medical field, over joyed at the continued understanding of things & ideas & diseases.  Just thought I'd share the brain diabetes.

Friday the 13th


Ahhh next Friday is Friday the 13th - I have plans: I want you to join me.  

First off the Tremont Art Walk - My friend Katelynn Altgilbers is showing at Mastroianni Photography/Mastroianni Arts.  She is amazing in every way & aside from the art walk generally being a good time (oh those summer days of drunken wandering w/ Long Tall Kate & company) - I want to go to Mangos after.  I want delicious food & drink w/ friends please.

& deep down I think you want it too.

So holler @ your girl & we can sort out a plan.

3.2.09

Pssst

He is the Goddamned Batman



25.1.09

IN 3D..


Last night I found friends and went to see My Bloody Valentine in 3D.  I've loved the original for years, not because it is an especially good movie, it is not, in fact it is a horrible horror movie.  I was excited to watch the new version in 3D.  I loved the use of 3D in a horror film.  Yes, they use every obvious graphic & concept & they did a damned good job of it.  They even stuffed an eviscerated body in a dryer.  Of all the films to choose from this was perfect for the 3D platform because the primary weapon is a pick axe.  Though I would love to see a very Cthulu centric movie made in 3D tentacles to realistic that it makes me twitch away from the slime.  

Before the movie there was food & drink, after there were games and talk.  So lovely I returned home at around 0300.  I snuggled in & watched Brimstone (thank you Chiller TV) until I fell asleep.  

Rest & joi before the next 6 day work week.  

24.1.09

Hitler Youth indeed...


I've given it my very best.

I hate the current pope.  At this point this is just too much.  

This article was sent to my mother & she shared it with me. I'm reposting it here. I wish that the unborn lives they are talking about saving were to be saved with education & the open sharing of ideas. Instead it was through protesting & attempts to legislate narrow religious views onto other bodies. BUT the important part is the bits about my dad. I know every person in the article, it is a step down memory lane, with the nostalgia is a heavy dose of the loss, it is good to see other people remember & miss my dad too.

I'm so far away geographically that it is seldom anyone brings up my dad here, no one here knew him. At home my mom is surrounded by people who knew him, who mourned the loss of him. I am alone, I tell the stories to those who listen but I am still alone in my loss.


EARLY MORNING RECOLLECTIONS
by Ed Luersman
WHO WAS IN CHARGE OF THE TIMING?

The spring of the year was always extra busy on our dairy farm but it was busier when it was a late spring, as it was about 25 years ago, when I found myself as busy as a one arm wallpaper hanger with the hives. Usually I could relax while driving the tractor but that morning I was troubled about all that wasn't being done, not so much the farm work but more so with my faith walk with other people.
I found myself fretting and praying about not getting around to speaking personally with three persons in our parish. Our Pastor Father Roger Bonifas about something that I do not now recall, Walt Miller about the Cursillio weekend he was soon to partake in. Walt a few years later would be ordained The Reverend Mr.Walter Miller Deacon of the Diocese of Toledo to serve our parish as the third Deacon of our parish & the one who could sing. How about that Deacon Joe? Deacon Walt would also serve as Chaplain at the hospital. Walt's untimely death from cancer was a great loss, not only to his faithful wife Jill and their lovely daughters but to all of us whose lives he touched. The third person I wanted to talk personally with was Mrs. Kenneth Bendele (Diane) a busy mother who was taking time to do what she could to save the unborn. If only our world had more Dianes.
After a hurried dinner that day I called Father Bonifas to ask him when I could talk with him. He said how about right now. Well the tractor would have to wait. As I walked up to the priest house, Walt Miller was coming out of the house. So I thought I'm going to kill two birds with one stone. After my conversation with Father Bonifas I recalled the letter my lovely wife Helen ask me to take to the post office where who would I meet but Diane Bendele.
Though it was a late start, I had a very relaxed afternoon on that tractor. Yes, WHO WAS IN CHARGE OF THE TIMING?

23.1.09

That's about goddamned time


Finally the Global Gag Rule has been lifted.  Finally we are taking a step towards treating other people in other countries with the same dignity and respect with which we treat our own.

20.1.09

I love Poe


I just heard her on tv!!!
Yes it is a crap car commercial.  
BUT, it was "Hey Pretty" - I hope she is making money off of it.  I hope she puts out a new album.  
I love that woman.

Seriously


How many horror movies start out this way?

I'm smiling...


"My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often, the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebearers, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land -- a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the fainthearted -- for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things -- some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor -- who have carried us up the long, rugged path toward prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again, these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions -- that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act -- not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions -- who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them -- that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works -- whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account -- to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day -- because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control -- and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart -- not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: Know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort -- even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West: Know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment -- a moment that will define a generation -- it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends -- hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism -- these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility -- a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world; duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence -- the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed -- why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than 60 years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested, we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back, nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations."

19.1.09

Big News!!!


Catzia of Wine & Barbed Wire has finally got her Etsy store up & running.  Joi!!!  Catzia's Jam Session is ready for orders.

I'd like your thoughts


So I had a friend.  I trusted her & felt comfy & joious with her in my life & received an email "break up" note from her at 0124 Friday.  Apparently she's been nursing awkwardness & bitterness towards me since I (per her request) found out why things are so jacked up between her and another friend.  Apparently the fact that I see a different side of things and offered her that viewpoint & despite the fact that she acted like she accepted it at the time, she is unhappy about it.  I've felt no awkwardness, but then I've been upfront and honest about how I saw things, so I can see how that can be a problem.  She has made it abundantly clear in said note that she would like to resume a friendship when & if it is convenient for her.  My response to her note consisted of "ummm ok" accepting that I do not want to be friends with her if she is clearly not emotionally invested in it.  I'm not all about stalking/pursuing a friendship with someone who is willing to now & will in the future disrespect me in such a manner.  Not a phone call, not a word the last time I saw her, apparently lying excuses left for me for the lsat week or so as she couldn't be bothered to take my calls, all of which I totally bought.  I had no idea she was harboring all of this.  Since receiving the note I've been busy (obviously) and haven't really sat down to process til tonight.  I'm cutting all traces of her from my life cyber or otherwise.  A very strange sense from me but if my friendship, love, and trust are worth so little then fuck it.  If my support & affection is worth so little then I want nothing to do with her.  Perhaps this is me being extreme but fuck it.  I'm worth more than that and treating me in this manner is simply unacceptable.  

So yeah - tell me what you think - I'll be deleting.

18.1.09

End of Marathon

I am currently home safe & sound, I've showered & slept, I've made & eaten a bit of food. The drive home was really snowy & sketchy - the trek across campus to my car was less than pleasant - sections where the sidewalks hadn't been touched had me dragging my cart thru deep snow - there is not a lot of clearance under it.

Last movies:

Paprika - was really really brilliant. I loved the paths that it took.
The World, The Flesh and The Devil - was a really intense study of racial relations. Casual rape threats just accepted as the norm. That part really grated me as the crowd cheered the would-be rapist on. I know the intent & haha factors but i found the threats far more chilling
A Scanner Darkly - I was tearing up by the end. I found it interesting the reactions from the people around me as they were kvetching about the animation (which I like for this particular piece) and cracking jokes until they "got it". Then silence, no one said a word as the final statement sat on the screen. & the people right next to me understood why i was crying.
Iron Man - I heart this movie - seriously. I don't need to own it, but i really enjoy it. Downey makes me happy. Seeing him rock this role is just to me a lil mini celebration that despite all of the craze in his personal life he is still capable of being someone else. When he was on screen he was Tony Stark, seriously, no other roles crossed my mind, he was just Stark. I appreciate that from a guy I've seen be so many different men. Especially considering his role in the previous movie.

The Case Sci Fi Marathon - is what I've been writing about. You know I'm all about you joining me next year (just a heads up). The more people, the more fun, I just dig it.

17.1.09

AAAAAAhhhhh

Meatballs almost gone - first hit of Airborne taken - First bottle of water drinking - YUM

The Mouse on the Moon - was amusing - very amusing
Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure - was fun to watch after so long - many laughs
Star Trek: Nemesis - I slept thru 3/4 of it -mmm hot food in belly - though Patrick Stewart is fucking hot
Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan - we really needed that - I think w/the death this week we all needed to join Kirk screaming "Khan" just to get it out of our system - very cathartic

more later...

Marathon so far

Safely tucked in - meatballs simmering - warming on an air mattress w/ Froggy & Tyger - 
Movies
Jumper -sucked the first time & still sucks
Die Monster Die - was lovely & old & Boris Karloff = yay
Timeline - Gerard Butler - Nuff said- what wait - Bill Connolly - yum
A Boy & His Dog - I hate the movie - I think the thing that rubs me the wrong way is the casual rape - the constant casual rape - cuz u know we just exist to be fucked.
Fire Maidens from Outer Space - FUN & funny old school 
Universal Soldier - I fucking slept thru this garbage
Spy Kids 2 - I heart Ricardo Montalban & the use of Danny Trejo as Q makes me pure joi

More later - just nibblets as I go.

14.1.09

Fuck me

Did I miss a memo?

sad


very sad - The Prisoner has left us.

I have no idea what he is going to say or even if he knows yet - but I leave the eloquence to Toby.  

11.1.09

my friend


The one with the breast cancer is back in the hospital - could use your best love & thoughts right now.  Her white cells took a header over New Years.  This is me worried.

10.1.09

White Russians


Make me smile

Still snowed in

I guess at this point I could try to clear the car & go - but where could I go?

So in I stay until tomorrow.  I want delicious things - I think pancakes in the morning.

A love letter to a love letter to alternative culture


There is so much in this world that makes me unhappy.  Coilhouse brings me joi.  Issue 02 is here and I am finally reading it.  & by reading what I mean is I'm putting on some Tricky and allowing myself to slide thru the pages, like my OhMiBod sliding in well lubed with the perfect songs playing.  Just the right rhythms.  The quality of the paper, the rounded edges, the stunning images, the excellent writing.  I love it so much.  Seriously find the magazine, read the site, and enjoy the simple things that make me happy.

Snowed in


Yes, beloved friends, I am snowed in.  I have food & booze & movies, but I am all alone - Seriously, one of these days I will get to be snowed in with someone I can spend all day keeping warm in the bed in the sexe ways.  I want that.  the snow is knee deep outside.  I am watching Black Books & giggling.  & have now decided to accept my fate & catch up on here. Oi.

5.1.09

Dear History Bois


I don't rock the historical research, but it dawned on me in the shower tonight that in my hatred of Ratzinger perhaps there is a correlation between the Nazi rhetoric regarding homosexuals & the utter garbage spewing forth from him lately.  I'm just curious.  I'm not suggesting that he is anti-Semitic, just that perhaps he's using some of the same language.  Sort it for me or I will eventually follow it myself.  

Random shower thoughts.

I slept from 1900 til 1130 & I'm back to bed in another 5 mins.  Tomorrow will be a long day and so will Wednesday but  - oh joi - MLK Day I am going in at noon - so recovery from Marathon will be allowed.  

4.1.09

Fuck you


Fuck you loud neighbor

I hope you die

I hope the next time you have a migraine some fucking kid parks his car at full volume outside the building - & keeps coming back

I hope you know how it feels to be here - sitting awake trying to sleep & needing rest & relax & just not fucking getting it.

I hate you loud neighbor & shitty kids - I hope that you all move out & are replaced by a lil old lady who does everything quietly

SERIOUSLY

full blast air filter going, ear plugs in & i can still fucking hear you after asking you to be quieter 2x.  

If I can cross you any way, I bless myself every way.


1.1.09

2009


So much going on

Last night - possibly best NYE ever - least in a reallly long time

notsomuch drinking but good people - thank you so much Froggy & Tyger for hosting & inviting me & laughter & sharing & conversation, good talk.

i feel good

brunch @ Mangos today w/ Alicia & Nevin = perfekt

31.12.08

Friends & Neighbors


Let's take a moment to revisit an old and well worn theme of mine: alone

I'm alone, very very alone.  I've been here before & I'll be here again - right now I am awake in an empty bed - the cuddlesharks are circling elsewhere.  I do not want random bed filler, I do not even want a random friend to fill in, I do not want an interest interested in filling in or filling themselves but only if I maintain a tertiary or secondary role in their lives/relationships.  I want what I've lost, I want what I am worth, I want what I want & as I'm oft found quoting "it's good to want things" - it lets me put a finer tooth on the details.  finer tooth, sharper tooth, lets me bite deeper.  even if I'm only biting myself - if i leave a big enough scar maybe i'll remember why i was biting to begin with.  i sleep safely alone.  that much i feel - even when I am with others - the sleep isn't as deep, the rest not as real - I'm aware, of other bodies, other breath, other dangers.  I tell myself if i almost feel like i slept well - then it was good, but I know there are other arms just past consciousness that i still fall into - I was dozing - fading a few moments ago, awakening with Johnny's name on my lips.  Reste avec moi dupuis je reve, pas'd ici, mais apres, apres maintenant, quand je reve apres ici.  A mon coeur...  His scent in my nose, that somehow manly scent of unspent youth, wounded boi, strong man, musky yet clean, sweaty yet enticing.  The man's phermones should have been bottled or at least never ingrained in me.  Fingers finding bare comforter instead of thick hair, and a skin i have yet to work out of my fingers.  I can count on one hand the skins that are burned onto my hands - Johnny, Adam, Michael, David - all far gone from my life 3 of the 4 are dead, but my hands remember - always searching for that skin again.  Lips searching for that kiss, that kiss that understands me & knows me & wants me, soft like a brush w/ the softest spider silk, strong enough to steal my breath & stop my heart & weaken my knees.  vibration straight thru me like standing on the rooftop watching fireworks explode 200 yards away - or standing too close to an o-daiko.  A body to cling to strong enough to hold me, weak enough to need me to steady.  I hear the echo of his voice, whispering his last words in my ear, tripping down my ears the consonants spiralling down to my inner labyrinths, being locked away, surfacing as i float to & from wakefulness.  Replaying less & less with each passing year just to come screaming in volume unbidden in the middle of nothingness.  

I don't do this everyday.  I'm just a touch on the lonely side of alone right this second and I am honored by the love that is offered.  but as Garrison Keillor has ranted before me - it's just not enough these simple compliments - I crave more.  I crave so much more than what I'm finding or allowing or allowed right now.  I crave a safe peace somewhere warm.  & not alone.  Not in this bed alone.  I crave...

Now back to your regularly scheduled rants & musings...

28.12.08

And...

it is 40 out - a full 25 degrees colder now than 12 hours ago

What the fuck? Ohio weather - WHAT THE FUCK? - really i think that is why i'm going to curl back up to sleep...

Oi


I've been up for 2 hours - since 0700 - according to what I can sort out my power went out at 0606 - the dvr caught the first 6 mins of the 0600 tv show i was trying to record.  I awoke in darkness - feeling something soft off the end of the bed w/ my foot - my first thought was - oh noes there is a pillow against the space heater -until i paused & oriented myself to the room & realized that my feet were at the other end of the bed.  Once things were back on (0745) I found eggs for breakfast, turned on the tv to find something to put me back to sleep & grabbed the computer to check in - my computer showed no interwebs.  I have spent the last hour and a half sorting out what exactly needed to be done between the Airport & the modem & the cable company exactly what I needed to refresh & reset after an hour and 40 mins w/o power this morning.  All is well in me universe - clearly working again - I really really really like my internets - the tubes are good to me and so I thank the tubes.  For now I'm going back to sleep - I'm freakin tired & cold.


27.12.08

About fucking time


Literally seems the theme is time oriented - but it looks to be joious - the Case Film Society has finally fucking posted the schedule for Sci Fi Marathon this year - I'm going - WHO IS COMING WITH ME???


& yes I want to make out w/ someone

***

I have a cart & cooler - I'm plotting on an air mattress, the same area for setting up as last year, I'm tossing in a crock pot & bag of frozen meatballs & jarred marinara sauce - I figure throw them in together & 4-6 hours on low later we have delicious goodness to smear/smoosh on bread - I guess I need bread too.  $$$ or other crock goodies & we could have lil corner of hot food & love.  Talk to me to sort details.  I can live w/o making out w/ anyone, just a disappointment in the human race in general that I'm sleeping alone tonight.  Hmmm limes for my Dr Pepper & ice for at least the first night - I like ice.  

];-}~




25.12.08

Good bye


Eartha Kitt has left us as well - sadness, just sadness.

Holidays


I'm in bed - curled up with the cuddlesharks - wishing I was not alone, about to watch "The Strangers" - I've already enjoyed "Death Race" today - I remember watching "Death Race 2000" when I was a kid so much joi.  

I'm a bit floaty - I hope all of you taking a few mins to read this find a lil peace, maybe more than a little, maybe enough to share a bit as the holidays round out today with Solstice, Chanukah, and Christmas, all passing by so quickly.  

Solstice this year was marked by ritual in the woods with friends - it was beautiful and strong and a lot of what I needed inviting the sun back into my world.  

Christmas I head to my mother's home to celebrate tomorrow - I get to see my sisters, brother-in-law, and my nieces, one of whom I have not yet met.  I'm rather excited to see them.  

24.12.08

Remember this?


well this?  Get this - I acted the grown up & dropped it, I did not call him & bother him, I caught the hint that he was not into me & acted in a mature manner - the guy just IMed me - started talking like we were friends, like I in any way am emotionally invested enough to care that he is alone & has had a rough day.  I'm alone, I've had a rough month or three...


SERIOUSLY: It is like being picked last on the playground by the boi you have a crush on - on one hand you want to go and play because you sort of like him, on the other hand there is the fucking insulting manner he chose to spend time with you.  as a kid I might have just accepted it & played - as a grown up I resent the implication that I am worth anything less.  

I'm taking my Capt's 100 Proof  & heading for the bathtub, to read some Borges & be reminded that finding a lil physical comfort in this world is not always the most complicated thing ever.  Wish Patrick & Sarah were here to join me.  mmmmmmm  so simply delightful.  

13.12.08

Another Saturday night...


I am awake - I feel pretty ok

I stayed awake after work today - instead of scurrying home i stopped by & signed up for my year's membership @ the fitness center at work.  Paid for by my employee health plan.  Once I make 10 visits a month for the next 10 months I will be handed $100 by my employer for my efforts to take better care of myself.  SERIOUSLY - it is 1 block out of my way to and from work at the new ofc.  FREE, FREE PARKING - which seriously I'm talking about the Cleveland Clinic on main campus - they don't do that.  They charge for EVERYTHING.  AND they are going to give me $100 for showing up.  I really think anyone not willing to do this is from my position is an idiot.  I get to start Monday morning before work - bright & early  - many laps then off to open the ofc.  I hope it works.  When I walked thru today there was no one in the pool - blew my mind.  All I want to do is to swim laps til I'm exhausted.  Physical exhaustion will be so much nicer than this mindless mind exhaustion that I'm currently struggling thru.  


***Oh and I just took a dump the size of a birthday cake...

My insanity

View outside my building: lil deer gettin their grub on...  Well crappy cell phone pic of one




View from my desk: I see trees in the atrium & hear the fountain 2 stories below me.

12.12.08

Aughra




Meet Aughra my new GPS - I picked it up for about half of what it is selling for now over the Black Friday madness.  More beneficial than I can mention in regards to getting me to and from work on the eastside which i am totally unfamiliar with than I can put properly into words.



Sadness


Bettie's gone.  Tears.  By today's standards she'd be fat.  I love her beauty & grace, smile & joi.  Just stunning icon.

8.12.08

I am


moved into the new office.

My commute is doubled & I hate it - Waaaay to much driving on surface streets - it is tolerable on the early AM portion - but anything after 0700 sucks ass.  Too much traffic on the roads.

There is a gorgeous view from my desk - into the atrium, skylight, fountain down below on the first floor, much shrubbery - very nice

I dig the chick who is sitting next to me, very very sweet.  

I hate being so strangely isolated from everyone else - I must stay put to answer phones - I feel strange running to the restroom & just getting coffee is a hike to the back of the building, past 12 treatment rooms & into the big copy/mailroom.  

Soooo many new people & not nearly as friendly as I would have liked - so I am playing the "I'm sweet & nice & love me" game w/ them all.  Shhhhh they don't know yet what a hateful vindictive bitch I am.

Just thought I'd share.  I'm broken & awaiting Solstice w/ every breath.

& Wayne, dearest mostest favorite cousin without whom I would be much less happy in life (thank you), I now own a copy of Hogfather on DVD - I'll look into hooking you up with a copy - I heart it soooooo much, thank you for pointing it out to me.

6.12.08

today

Just tryin to hide for a minute, but I'm always found - not complaining. - hold me.

26.11.08

I hate hospitals

Seriously.  Liz is out of surgery, we did not get to go see her in the interim beforehand because she was running so damned late.  They were able to do everything laprascopically, and the tumor did not activate while they were manipulating it (spewing adrenaline into her system - yes this was a concern), she appears to be responding well overall & has been ready to leave the recovery room for over an hour.

WE ARE WAITING ON A BED.  There is one for her - but, alas, they have to clean the room yet.  That was over an hour ago.  at that time they said .5-1 hr.  LIES, LIES I tell you all lies.  We can't go see her wherever she is (I imagine her just wheeled into and sitting in the hallway outside said room, unable to see (no glasses/contacts) at the mercy of the crazies wandering the halls - yes I imagine all brain tumor patients showing signs of dementia wandering free just beyond those doors tormenting my sis).  

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

ok

After magickally getting out of work early last night I headed for Columbus - It took 4 hours - because the roads were that bad, the drivers were such idiots, and some fucking idiot dropped it down to a one lane construction zone just past an entrance ramp at a busy highway & therefore dropped it to 5 miles an hour - literally took an hour to go 5 miles - of course the frustrating part was that there was no snow at that point.  
Parker graciously met me at the hotel & took care of finding us food.  Tasty Thai chix pasta & buffalo pizza.  I took meds & we fell asleep.  He kindly gave me a ride to the James Cancer Center for my sister's surgery.  Mom was there by 0555, I was there by 0600, Liz showed up at 0620 for her 0600 check in time.  Right this second it is 0709 & she is up doing the pre-op, we will get to see her one more time before she goes under.  I love her sooooooooo much & want things to go easily & well for the surgery.   AND there is free WiFi here - but no chatting - it won't let any of my IM services connect.  Bastards.

I am taking the shuttle back to the hotel & sleeping tonight.  Tomorrow i am checking out then sitting here til my other sister & her oldest daughter arrive, spending time & possibly a meal with them & then heading back to the land of Cleve.  I am exhausted and getting hungry - I want to get her into surgery now to get her done sooner & then get to bed sooner - is that crazy - I just want the stress to be over sooner.  

17.11.08

clean

I'm clean, in a very sort of Depeche Mode sort of way.  While scritching her back this weekend I noticed that Obi had scabby bits of unhappy skin at the base of her tale along her spine - so the project tonight was KittyWash 2008.  I stopped and picked up some nice kitty shampoo & we began - She was much better behaved - I filled the tub pretty full & the water was a lil on the hot side & she actually seemed to relax & enjoy it for a few moments - She stopped the crazy deep meowring.  

& for those keeping score - the eastside is expecting 8" today - THE EASTSIDE - where my ofc is moving to at the end of the month - INTO THE SNOWBELT - I fucking hate this part & that I get to do the entire winter's commute to start things off there is not endearing it to me.

16.11.08

I'm up


And it is still dark out.  Wes showed up @ my door at midnight - I was asleep i barely woke up enough to let him in.  So happy I didn't have to get dressed & would be warmed after that blast of cold air.  I wasn't awake enough for words.  we just curled up to sleep.  Right now he is curled up around me sound asleep - he makes these lil murmurring noises periodically.  So sweet.  Reason #3784 why I love him: he doesn't read this - he had no clue how much i really have been craving to be touched.  I've missed him & his magical ability to wrap himself around me like a human blanket w/o making me feel smothered.  I know he showed up for himself but I appreciate his treatment of me.  It is so rare that I am awake before him - I'm going to make some chai & throw in a movie & watch him sleep for a few hours.  And just enjoy his sweet soft flesh today - I'm thinkin I want a rubdown later if he's willing.  You know I have no idea why he is in town at all.  

***Note: from now on if you show up @ my place unannounced I expect the usual offerings of cheesecake &/or booze AND I want to know why you are here in the first 5 mins - I'm too freakin accepting of those I love.

15.11.08

Liking bois...


OK - I know you have to take a cluestick & beat them sometimes. But I want to register the complaint that sometimes you get the "yay" signals that they are interested in you then *poof* - the jump away? - Were they really interested? Or did they just get busy?

So I met up w/ a boi several weeks ago & he was cute & interesting & we hung out & watched cruddy horror movie & laughed & held hands (yes, cute I know) - we did not end up making out but for a first meeting - I was fairly pleased at the speed with which things were progressing. Then things got busy for both of us & I know that if I don't put forth some kind of effort I might as well just pretend we never met. So I'm back to the ARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH. & I don't want to be pestering or a nag - but I'd like to plan my world out - U know as well as I do that when someone catches my interest I like to see how it will play out - that's what it means, you see, to have my interest - I'm INTERESTED. I'd like to set up a second date/encounter and put it on the books not because I'm all anal and needs scheduling but things are getting more & more complicated in my lil world & I don't like missing the op to follow something new. AND there are other responsibilities: I want to take a shift or 3 for the crisis center but I do not want to be having a nice evening and *ring* - mid-makeout -> "Sorry honey, I need to go spend the next 6 hours at the hospital w/ a survivor & no, you can't come along & no, immediately afterwards I won't probably want to see you, you are too new to me & I'm not exactly in a makeout mood after such things. In fact I'm usually a lil emotionally raw & therefore do not want to expose those parts of myself to you yet because you are brand new & damnit can't a girl have some alone time when she is raw?

Maybe this is all a bigger reaction to having nothing in my control, no one's spiralingly insane health, not my ofc or my job or the "even more changes" that are coming to it, not even the fulfilling of the desire for human interaction - let alone the desire to make out w/ 1 geographically close boi in particular - that isn't to say there aren't others I want to makeout with or cuddle with or just spend time with - they are just farther away.
So yeah - Bois = frustrating.

Fuck it - I tried, I'm going to go meditate & ready myself for the nonstop madness ahead.

14.11.08

Be the best American you can be


Boycott these hatemongering people & businesses for giving money to support Cali's Prop 8 & denying civil rights to others and for trying to legislate their narrowminded religious beliefs onto others' bodies & lives.  Remember kiddies "If you don't like what they do with your money - don't give it to them"

Let it never be said


That I am not a big softie.  Seriously I am curled up w/ chai (hint of cayenne to warm me) - and watching last night's er.  I know that Anthony Edwards is an actor, hell I know he is Goose, he has been on interviews all this last few weeks leading up to this show.  I knew to expect him, my precious Dr Greene.  I teared up when he showed up on screen.  I heard the strains of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" in my ears despite the music on the screen.  In the episode he was actively getting chemo yet working - just like my dad did.  I'm full on crying right now.  tears flowing freely - way less to do with the kids on screen than with Dr Greene & the memory of his death on the show & how it intertwined w/ my father's death in real life.  So much the same and yet so different.  I remember watching little corners of my life & the things our family went thru being played out on screen so long ago.  So many "last years" spent together.  Apparently I am made of soft.

No more


No more Cinemark at Valley View for me.  Bastards ruining the only decent freakin theatre in the area.  

13.11.08

Every day


I see the world differently - in my own warped way - I know this & every day I struggle against the mindnumbing homogenized sheeple crap.  I process things thru me & they spit out different on the other side.  I like it this way.  I am a unique & special snowflake no matter what Chuck says.

TeeHeeHee

38 miles per gallon

Created by The Car Connection

11.11.08

I am rude...


when driving - I know it - we've discussed my driving styles, speeds, and even gesticulations at length. I hold myself to the same standard I hold everyone else to - I'm not on the road to play games, I simply want to get from point A to point B as quickly and safely as possible. I do not cut u off & slow down - perhaps I cut u off, but never do I slow down or brake check u. I keep driving - usually if I cut u off it is because I am going faster than you are & you are forcing me to go around you by passing you on the right. or my favorite of late the person who veers into my lane going 50 when I am going 65 (in a 60 mph zone by the way for those of you keeping tally & I know you are out there) on a 3 lane hwy & I am in the far left lane & there is something over 10 car lengths ahead that this person intends to go incrementally faster than & eventually pass - but this doesn't change the fact that I am now in the middle lane passing this person & after signaling returning to the far left lane. This is not rocket science. I know they saw me & still decided to slowly change lanes or the persons who drive so they are taking up 2 lanes - bloody hell - how is that any shade of legal? - I digress. I am by all accounts a rude driver but I am never intentionally "playing a game" with anyone on the road.

I am never rude to anyone in the service industry. Never to the receptionist, the wait staff, the phone operator. I just thought I'd clarify that. Nothing is a bigger turnoff than going on a meet n greet w/ a guy & he treats the wait staff like garbage or tips below 15%. I just thought I'd share - written after yet another patient tried to browbeat me into manufacturing an appt for her out of thin air. I simply do not have the authority to order anyone to see a patient outside of their scheduled hours.

I'm just sayin...

8.11.08

So stress


Oh stress that I am under.  Liz's surgery is scheduled - still sorting travel & lodging for it.  My other current breast cancer friend is looking at chemo and radiation - 6 of the 7 lymph nodes came back positive.  it is simply not ok.  I'm home alone tonight, curled up trying to think clearly about anything & failing miserably.

I just thought I'd share - i don't particularly want to be doing anything.  I want to sleep soundly.  

I'm thinkin bath & sleep - cuddling would be nice the cats will have to do for now.  

I think the munchkin has the right idea.

5.11.08

Fuck yeah

Though I'm in agreement w/ DA -time to take down the Mormons - I'm pissed about Cali's Prop 8 & elated - freaking joious about Washington's Issue 1000.  Still hunting for other races I care about.  Speaking of which #6 did not pass (yay) - such a scamlicious piece of legislature.

4.11.08

voted


if you don't vote don't bother talking to me.  ever.  Seriously fuck off.

2.11.08

Fuck me


54 people in the last 35 years.  54

54

Well, 55?
My baby girl - my baby sister has Carney's Triad.  the quick & dirty here.  The biopsy of her adrenal tumor showed it to be a pheochromocytoma type of paraganglioma.  rare, very rare w/ the GIST to form part of the triad - we now get to wait & see if the lung tumors show up.

Fuck.

If u are new & don't know or don't remember: start here & work your way forward by hitting "newer post" at the bottom for the whole long story.