Friends & Neighbors

Let's take a moment to revisit an old and well worn theme of mine: alone

I'm alone, very very alone.  I've been here before & I'll be here again - right now I am awake in an empty bed - the cuddlesharks are circling elsewhere.  I do not want random bed filler, I do not even want a random friend to fill in, I do not want an interest interested in filling in or filling themselves but only if I maintain a tertiary or secondary role in their lives/relationships.  I want what I've lost, I want what I am worth, I want what I want & as I'm oft found quoting "it's good to want things" - it lets me put a finer tooth on the details.  finer tooth, sharper tooth, lets me bite deeper.  even if I'm only biting myself - if i leave a big enough scar maybe i'll remember why i was biting to begin with.  i sleep safely alone.  that much i feel - even when I am with others - the sleep isn't as deep, the rest not as real - I'm aware, of other bodies, other breath, other dangers.  I tell myself if i almost feel like i slept well - then it was good, but I know there are other arms just past consciousness that i still fall into - I was dozing - fading a few moments ago, awakening with Johnny's name on my lips.  Reste avec moi dupuis je reve, pas'd ici, mais apres, apres maintenant, quand je reve apres ici.  A mon coeur...  His scent in my nose, that somehow manly scent of unspent youth, wounded boi, strong man, musky yet clean, sweaty yet enticing.  The man's phermones should have been bottled or at least never ingrained in me.  Fingers finding bare comforter instead of thick hair, and a skin i have yet to work out of my fingers.  I can count on one hand the skins that are burned onto my hands - Johnny, Adam, Michael, David - all far gone from my life 3 of the 4 are dead, but my hands remember - always searching for that skin again.  Lips searching for that kiss, that kiss that understands me & knows me & wants me, soft like a brush w/ the softest spider silk, strong enough to steal my breath & stop my heart & weaken my knees.  vibration straight thru me like standing on the rooftop watching fireworks explode 200 yards away - or standing too close to an o-daiko.  A body to cling to strong enough to hold me, weak enough to need me to steady.  I hear the echo of his voice, whispering his last words in my ear, tripping down my ears the consonants spiralling down to my inner labyrinths, being locked away, surfacing as i float to & from wakefulness.  Replaying less & less with each passing year just to come screaming in volume unbidden in the middle of nothingness.  

I don't do this everyday.  I'm just a touch on the lonely side of alone right this second and I am honored by the love that is offered.  but as Garrison Keillor has ranted before me - it's just not enough these simple compliments - I crave more.  I crave so much more than what I'm finding or allowing or allowed right now.  I crave a safe peace somewhere warm.  & not alone.  Not in this bed alone.  I crave...

Now back to your regularly scheduled rants & musings...