Currents

Fly doing death throes in the corner of my web of friends & relationships. It had no direct lines to my anatomy. I'm happy to cut it out completely. I'm a fan of killing flies, removing problems, & making things non-issues. I have never regretted cutting a single person out of my life, nor do I make the decision lightly. In recent years: a sexual predators, an unmedicated psychotic, a rapist, as I struggle to think of others only the apologists of the sexual predator & rapist come to mind.

Rest for now. Lots of rest for the night.

The wicked man flees though none pursues...

Yep, I'm watchin "True Grit" tonight as I try to settle for the new job.

Though the quote hits me as the grapevine came in last night - my ex-housemates made a facebook show of changing their locks due to unsavory elements trying to get at them. I know that I want nothing to do with them, I haven't set foot in their house since I moved out. I haven't set foot on their property since I assisted the removal of their last tenants. I find them to be horrible people. Both of the lies they spread & the sexual assaults I know that they have both had a hand in covering up. I'm not pursuing them, neither is anyone I care about. As such I find it hysterical that they seek to hide themselves, painting themselves as victims. People that they have spent a good amount of time badmouthing have left their company & "friendship". Wow, soooo put upon,

Oddly a different grapevine delivered news of a woman being upset with me because I wrote "In this house we do not support rapists" on my facebook. This woman cracks me up beyond words. I will never understand what use being upset is when you do nothing about it. "Wah wah wah" in the corner, without communication to the people you are actually upset with is utterly pointless to me.

Dolphins Fucking on Indian Time

Dolphins have sex facing eachother, they also have sex for pleasure - but have you ever watched footage of them having sex? They sort of swim at eachother & then are intimate then away again & back again in these fantastic dances in the water from away to utterly intimate in a dance to music only they can hear.

Indian Time - is a direct reference to Billy Jack - "he's on Indian Time, he's always there when you need him..."

Some relationships are like that for me - deeply intimate - not physically intimate, more emotionally, mentally intimate, depending only on eachother out of the blue - right when we need eachother most. I thought I had written this up at some point - I am rewriting it because I cannot find that - grr arrrgh...

For reals:

Tattoo: "Not Her" on the back of my upper neck - covered by hair when I want it to be. Why? - Because I am not her. I am not your mother, your ex-girlfriend, your sister, your cousin, the woman who cheated on you, the woman who says "I'm fine" but it is really secret language for "I am not fine & you need to figure it out", your grandmother, your daughter, whatever creature of human female genitalia or fem-identifiers that you seem to think I am & insist on treating me as. I am not her.

This is going to happen - this is going to happen by then end of this summer. That is all.

I...

I am not exhausted - this is a radical change. I am not caught up with what I perceive of as my life, but I am not running in an endless hamster wheel for a moment. I am breathing & slowly making changes to the current state of me. I wish for a touch more companionship, but I believe that I have a cuddle friend joining me this weekend. Having said that I expect Wes's sweet ass up here by sun up...

I'm trying to process everything that has happened. The more stories, the more women I talk to, the more rapes & assaults I am made aware of that this man committed - I am so happy that I am as I am. That somehow I was not meat for his pleasure, that my brand of crazy & breed of personality was not enough to draw his predation. As some of you know I used to live in the house my now housemate & her husband were in when she was assaulted.

The man who assaulted her - used to be a friend of mine. I would love to pinpoint when that stopped but it must have been a long long time ago. Doubly so for his wife - the vile things they've said about me & the lies they've told to my face, ridiculousness. I think the moment I lost any kind of belief in her garbage was when they left an event we were all attending & escorted in the Psycho ex-wife of the ex-boifriend. She came back inside & got right in my face telling me some crap about going out to take a call. I hadn't asked where they'd gone, had in truth not noticed them go out. I noticed the Psycho coming back in though - pretty fucked up. To say that she is weak, messed up, or even just not right is an understatement of massive proportions. Then again I've never associated with the spouse of a rapist before, so I don't know how she compares. The one thing that has held true is that I really need to get the fuck away from people who make excuses for others & hurt people indiscriminately, who tolerate the crazypants & encourage it for their own amusement.

Time...

My life in chunks of time lately, sort of floating: A week ago last wednesday I was told by my employer that my services were no longer needed - 2 weeks earlier than we had planned. This gives me 3 weeks off between jobs: I cannot tell you how happy this has made me - to relax & breathe, to catch up on my heart & head, to de-stress. A friend was sexually assaulted by her landlord later that week, less than 10 hours later she was starting to process it. Less than 24 hours later we were moving her & her husband out. The move took 3 hours from the time we (brute squad of 13) showed up & announced our intentions to move them out until we had them moved into my house. In one week our motley household has solidified into a loving caring place of shared meals, shared chores, share annoyances, & shared farts. A week ago tomorrow my godmother took her last breath, in an instant, she was gone, in bed, alone. I drove 2.5 hours home last Saturday, sat through an hour long funeral - somehow restrained myself from killing the priest who chose to use her funeral service as a soapbox for being "authentic Christians" and general evangelism. I've heard my father give better funeral services for practical strangers. I drove the half hour to the cemetery, my godmother, a paternal aunt, is buried next to my father. It felt like every wound was being torn open again. Looking into the eyes of her children, the pain matching my own. Talking & hugging, caring for eachother. The very best parts of being family at the very worst of times.

There will be more, for now I'm gonna curl up in a ball.

Attitude

It was noted today by a friend turned coworker that she is having a hard time w/ the dissonance between my general attitude w/ life & my attitude @ work. "Where is the cynicism?"

I realized that I go out of my way at work to focus energy on the positive. There is so much out of my control, & I bitch about it, oh yes, I do, Hells I named a cocktail after one of my labs because they make me completely nutsy. BUT to my coworkers I try to just believe that issues will be handled. As I type this it strikes me why I am so positive @ work: It could be worse. It WAS worse, taking calls w/ nothing else to do all day was a nightmare. These days I finish my dailies & go begging for more work, I write up documentation & SOPs for myself & coworkers because we have none in place. It makes me a lil crazy but it could be worse.

Outside of work I trend to a realist view of the world around me. By & large I believe the world gets better one winter at a time but I know how bad it has gotten for me & I understand how very little is holding me from it getting bad again.

Happy Birthday for the OLDE Man

43 today - shocked that his brain is still the good kind of mushy.

So happy he is still kicking & writing & making me smile.

Seriously. Thank you Warren Ellis.

VDay

So here I am curled up trying to sleep, failing miserably. A year ago I was sleeping as poorly. I was with a man whom I do not miss in any way. I was in a home which kept me but in which I was an add on. I was depressed, stressed, dealing with drama of all sorts. And of course more to come between the boifriend's psycho ex-wife & the sexual predator I had somehow gotten mixed up with. That somehow indicating less that I don't know how we became involved & more the stark disbelief that I let things slide that far. Work was a nightmare of hours of staring at my hands & waiting for the phone that never rang enough. I was the definition of underemployed. I look back & see so many people surrounding me who wanted to help but also didn't want to get their hands dirty. Friends who watched me hurting and could not bring themselves to say anything to my face, only behind my back.

Tonight I am sleeping alone but much loved by many. I am in a home I can call my own; a sense of my space & energy, less at the whims of others. I am not depressed, very low on stress, and the Queen of ZeroDramaLand. Work is not great but I have moved to a position wherein I am busy most days & I'm learning more & more & I like that sensation. Who am I kidding, I LOVE that sensation. I am surrounded by some of the same & many different people. I'm pleased with the way things have panned out. The ability to walk away - to have the freedom & independence to say "Not in my house" & have it be final, unquestioned, supported - is a sensation I never thought to desire. Least not in all of those years living alone.

Soon there will be more writings -tonight there is only taking stock of the joi in the lack of drama & madness.

Lucky in my mouth

Seriously, I am sitting here - watching Hell's Kitchen, the challenge is to combine 2 cuisines to create a fusion dish. As I watched the chefs struggle, misunderstand the options, the ingredients, the flavor profiles... I realized how lucky I am. I eat & by golly I've eaten well. All fat jokes aside. I recognize Spanish from Thai from Italian from Mexican from Greek, etc... I am sooo lucky to know so many wonderful flavors. Course last weekend's Vietnamese (Minh Anh's Lemongrass Chicken...drool) Friday followed by on Saturday jerk chicken & coconut rice & then the Greek yogurt w/ fresh raspberries & thin coconut cookies. YUM. I'm happy & so very happy I have wonderful friends to share it with. Soon there will be a new kitchen & space to play w/ homemade sourdough bread & all the winter slow cooker delights. I miss roasting off chickens to eat off of all week...

Sooo umm thanks.

Note:

I promise I will never seek to invalidate your experiences.

I may see an angle that you don't or see where someone's intentions were not what came across.

I may offer insights.

I will NEVER seek to tell you that what you experienced is invalidated by my experiences or by time.

If I purposefully hurt you, I do not expect you to be kind to me afterwards, I do not expect forgiveness, I do not expect you to magickally let go of it after I've walked away & moved on. I do not expect you to trust me on ANY level.

If you purposefully hurt me, I will distrust you, I will actively seek to keep you as far away from me & mine as I can. I will not hold my tongue about your past behavior. I will speak out, I will not pretend you were born yesterday & have never hurt anyone in your past.

If I see you manipulate & hurt people I care about - I will not treat you with kindness.

If I am seen as behaving in the same manner I expect nothing less than the same treatment.

Tonight I found out that the ex-boifriend's psycho ex-wife has been reading my blog. 1 word: CREEPY. Very Very Creepy. Wow, just wow, it has never dawned on me to want to read her writings. I don't want to. I have actively had nothing to do with her until she showed up at my house unannounced, uninvited, Labor Day weekend. I did find out she had trepidation about coming & tried to come w/ another couple, HOWEVER, she never tried in any way to have meaningful contact with me. The only way that anything could have been made easier for either of us. As I've never demonstrated to be a violent person, never demonstrated to scream a few inches from the face of the person I am upset with - I find it interesting that she felt that wasn't possible. Back to the blog reading. Eww, I was informed that writing about my experiences, processing them, in this forum was upsetting to her. She claimed that my writing is upsetting to my ex. If he reads more than whatever she points out to him, if he is hurt & wants to live in a world where talking to her makes him feel better than addressing it with me - I want nothing to do with it. That would be a huge part of why the relationship was so toxic.

Tonight for the first time & after much prodding she admitted that what she did was inappropriate. I am still processing it & will be writing as I do. This was also the first time she didn't call me magnanimous. That made me happy.

If you don't like it or are taking my writing personally - stop reading. - I don't force the people I have in mind when I do write to the living, to read it, Jase, Wes, feel free to chime in on that one as you are usually the peeps I have in mind. For all others, this is not for you. This is for me & the people that I care about, continuing to read my writing for some strange ammunition, for more of my "hurtful hidden messages meant just for you", etc... Is officially discouraged. I don't do the LJ privacy stuff because I don't care who reads as a general point. However that revelation from tonight is increasingly disturbing. To track my blog long after we stop having any association with eachother I am finding more stalker/creepy as time goes by.

In this moment

Tonight I came home, showered, fell almost asleep. The door became locked & I was txted to let the boi in. We left for dinner @ the Diner. Shepherd's Pie - the first of the season was deeelicious - still too much mushrooms for me but then it always inspires me to make it from scratch without them. I like some of the earthy notes they lend to a dish like that - I wonder if I could use powdered mushrooms for the same effect...

We attended the Makers Alliance mtg. I saved the tears for when I got home. The idea is not yet the institution but is still growing into the dream.

On the way home we hit a pharmacy. Eye drops (gel rewetting drops - freakin awesome), Airborne - cuz I am out & the Very Berry turned out to be tasty, & a thumb brace for the MCP (MetaCarpalPhalengeal) joint. It has been really bothering me since I restarted on the Vit D.

Right now I am curled under 3 comforters, over an electric blanket, w/ both cats tucked in, I am fed, comfy& happy.

Just thought I'd share - I have more pending as usual - least lately - but for this minute, happy.

I dig...

Snakes & bats. I dig the aesthetic of spiders, I dig webs and actual big spiders. I dislike lil spiders scaring me. I dislike getting bitten by spiders. Or snakes for that matter. I really really love bats, I dunno where this is going, but I thought I would put those down.

Ahhh me oh my...

"Don't treat me like I am something that happened to you."

A few lies, I really dislike the trend of lying to smooth things over, lying to make everything ok, lying to ease their own discomfort regardless of the crap they cause others. I realize all too late that I have such complacency in my life. I want to burn it out. I want to expose myself to things that will make me grow & force me to reshape myself into more. Or less.

"Be authentic to your dreams. Be authentic to your own idea about yourself. Grind away at your own minds and bodies until you become your own invention. Be Mad Scientists"

RIP Benoit Mandelbrot

"A cloud is made of billows upon billows upon billows that look like clouds. As you come closer to a cloud you don't get something smooth, but irregularities at a smaller scale."

Sad to know he is gone, so grateful for all that he gave.

Oh the states flying by...

visited 28 states (56%)
Create your own visited map of The United States

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So happy & excited. Plotting & loving. Can I tell you the most ridiculous moment, I was asked by the boifriend to go to his stepsister's wedding. Like a real grrlfriend, I of course countered w/ inviting him to the wedding I will be attending in October. It is kind of silly to feel so happy about seeing someone unafraid to become a part of my life.

I wondered as I woke up this morning if the last boi's problem wasn't being so horribly maltreated by his previous relationships. He trusted & let at least one of them get close to him & she ripped his heart out, ate it, & spat it back at him. He chose to lick it up & decided that this was perfectly fine by him. I'm shocked that I looked at the situation & decided it was fucked up just hearing about it. I brushed off everyone (& oh how most of those everyones turned out to be lying, selfish, manipulative creatures) who told me to get involved. When He invited me into his life I chose to partake. Sadly or luckily I was in a pretty fucked up place myself most of last year. I wonder if I hadn't allowed myself to be treated as a second class creature by a "man who loves me" if I would appreciate now being so loved in a different, more honest and open manner. I love the communication - I love that I can say, "hey, this is really bothering me" & hear, "hey, this is really bothering me". And not have to fret over touching an already broken ego.

On old...

I spent the day @ work, putting out fires & praying that things improve. I am in love w/ my body. Another year has brought so many changes. I want my feet soft again, tough but soft. My elbows need nightly care & i love to have them rubbed, sooo good the sensation. I am in love w/my mind. I love the labyrinthine passages I've been traveling lately. I'll be listening to Only Revolutions all the way through soon - I wonder if Mark's voice will leave me in tears. I am in love w/ my emotions - the release & free flowing is stunning to my core lately. I am in love w/ my friends. I would not have survived this year w/o you. Every moment you remind me of the good parts. So much love.

It has been a good year, I've grown & learned. The list of learned will come later - I'm sure.

Thought of my day:

The enemy of my enemy may be my friend.
The friend of my enemy is always my enemy.

"Somehow" the psycho ex-wife of my ex-boifriend (our last interaction - if you don't count her stomping on my foot as she walked past me @ another event) decided it was in her best interests to show up at party being held where I live on Monday. Apparently I'm the only one who had a problem with it. No one invited her but no one asked her to leave.

Hurt, yes.

Perhaps this is another exercise w/ the "Jessica is always only black & white" I'll buy that. No one else around me has the problems with her that I do. Then again they have never been the focus/target of her paranoid delusions either. I have no interest in allowing her access to myself or my possessions. I do not want her poisoning my cats. This would be the survivor in me taking control.

After a wonderful weekend - which I'll discuss later, this was just an awful homecoming. Statements have been made & she has been warned. The next time she'll be asked to leave & if she refuses she will be escorted away by police & I will secure a protective order against her.

Safe

I'm awake @ the earliest dredges of HHVII - I have heated water for tea & so that coffee will be faster if anyone wants any as they come through later. My body is doing a cramp/bleed totally randomly - possibly stress related. Work is officially a source of stress for being just work, not horrific conditions, I am now actually doing real work all day. The projects & responsibilities are piling up & at least my 2 direct managers support me & understand that I am ask a lot of questions well above my paygrade but I have a good brain & can see through things.

I am continuing to sort the Dendritic Belles. It is a lil harder as work has ramped up , I have stronger and stronger urges to not do anything all the time. It is being balanced - my head is not as focused at different times. I feel fine right now on 2.5 hours sleep but zone @ work a lot during the day - still zombie-like doing my job but spacing inside. I needs to look to that.

Anyway - this is just a "Good morning - I'm alive - yay!" & Liz put "That Crazy Game of Poker" in my head & I cannot get it out...