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16.6.10

Please


Can this week be less mixed up?
1 moved desk @ work - now very isolated from the coworkers doing my job = sucks
1a rumors of good things happening moving me forward @ work
2 assisted a friend go into an inpatient psych program that the friend is afraid of
2a less worry now that I know that friend is safe from hurting self
3 sore achey body from assisting friend move
3a friend is almost all moved = Joi!
4 I am exhausted & sore & just a wreck
4a I am alive, thank God I'm alive.
5 I miss my dad tween Fatherless Day & his birthday this week I just miss him
5a there is no upside to that one, sorry
Wants: rest & peace & to be held for a good long time - please leave me notes & we'll set up times & dates & locations.

7.6.10

Loving life



No, stop rubbing your candy-coated monkey paws together, LOVING LIFE - not love life. My life is full of love though none happening in my bed. My past giving birth to my present is ridiculously full of joi. Prospective partners for both play & love - even the original Matthewkitty (sp? I think I only ever heard it pronounced) has shown back up - as only 2 people who read this know who I'm talking about - my giggles all alone will suffice. My toes curl w/ the joi of touch & cuddles lately.

I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the joi of surrounding myself w/ trustworthy folks. Speaking of the old, I know they are trustworthy - the new are still proving themselves & after the RR crowd - they have a long ways to go to do that.

On a sidenote David is home & I should sort to see him soon -eeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

28.5.10

Lesson #45


DO NOT ASSOCIATE W/ PEOPLE WHO SPEND THEIR TIME ON DIFFERENTIATING THEMSELVES FROM EVERYONE WHILE PROCLAIMING RADICAL ACCEPTANCE OF EVERYONE.

Wow, it took me a while to sort out this one. So I hope you appreciate the effort & pains I took in doing so. Whether it is the Catholic church forgetting basic precepts as it ostracizes based on sex or local burners bound & determined to be "private". Yep, just tossed them in the same rule of ridiculousness. Which there is a part of me that loves the cruelty of the irony of comparison. It is the same trap that so many groups fall into - as they try to prove how different they are from everyone else & they are the only people who know how to live.

Musing on this as more of Jay & Carrie's fruits come ready for harvest. If I knew 1 year ago the things I know now - things would have been very different. I was so happy, meeting so many new people, so many "good, trustworthy" people. I was a fool. I was being told lies, lots & lots of lies. The acceptance wasn't by self respecting individuals but by a mass of people moving superficially through social circles. What a difference it made once I realized it. I do not want to associate with them. The superficial mass - in a way that Cthulu has never bothered me, this mass disgusts me. Not that I will anonymously lose myself within it but that those who are a part of it have ceased to be individuals & are morphing into a blog of homogenous ooze. You've seen Slither - that is sort of the thing I have in mind. It strikes as a lot of "we're so very different in the exact same way". Each one is a bright & individual snowflake - At this point in my life snowflakes are great for throwing out of my way. The trick of this is that they don't get any deeper than that. The deep deepness of shared drug experiences, when you can talk them into it, shared work experiences; but only if they believe they are helping each other realize a great artistic vision. I found that hard to conceive & hard to swallow when I was involved but then my ideas of community are very very different & in being different, were condemned as wrong. My skin is crawling at every kindness I ever accepted now seeing the cost - the dear dear cost to myself of allowing liars near me.

I know I needed to learn this lesson. I needed this all to happen. I clearly lost my way. The stats run through my head, do I laugh more now? am I happier now than then? Resounding the answer is yes. I do laugh more now. I am happier. I love not being surrounded by people constantly playing the game: If I don't say it, it isn't real. If I just cover up this lie with another, no one will know the truth. If no one mentions the truth, we can all pretend nothing ever happened.

I love Warren Ellis, this is not new. The pretty pretty pretty words "Scally Twatcoffin" for example, such brilliant writing & concepts & ideas & ideals, like a prostitute w/ a heart of gold. I love him. BUT the thing that made me fall, wasn't the insults, wasn't even getting used to anything, it was the truth. The idea of the truth; above & beyond all other things & considerations there is the truth. There is a fine line tween saying things to hurt & saying things that need to be said. I know that I cross that line sometimes - but I'd rather cross it than spend my life avoiding it. I'd rather cross it telling a truth than avoid it with lies.

Which leads me back to #45 - I've noticed a trend of people in groups like this to subvert themselves to be like the other precious snowflakes. I say no. I hope this lesson stays with me. I hope I'm faster to get to the truth next time, to look for lies instead of trust strangers.

25.5.10

I need a home for a cat -


She is a good & sweet cat who would be perfeckt for a single cat household.
She does NOT get along w/ other cats.
She is affectionate & cuddly once you get to know her.

I'll write more on this soon - but start talking to peeps you know if you know me - I'm willing to bring her wherever a new home can be found.

No I'm not writing about Obi - she's mine til death do we part at this point - but instead Poppet. The household cat here - she is a bitch, yes, but only because she is not so great w/ other cats.
So if you want a cat she is perfekt. If you have small children or other pets - less so.

15.5.10

Who knew?


"RR Primer is officially canceled due to insufficient funds for insuring the event for three days, plus the bulk of our participants who have committed to attending won't have anything ready to prototype in time for that weekend. If both these situations change in the next month we will reschedule for mid-summer."


It is hard to stifle the laughter. This is a completely avoidable situation but alas, alak, the people running the show have carefully isolated & ostracized people like me who would have gladly gone to great lengths to create the revenue necessary to make Primer happen. As a victim of Jay & Carrie's cruel machinations - I can only hope this is just part of the bitter harvest they've sown. May their harvest be long & fruitful & may they reap every drop of what they have sown.

The funny is that their fear is the explanation given to excuse the things they did to me & others. Truth is that for all of myself & how inaccurately people read me - I sit back & let things fall to their own balance again. I don't have to try to hurt them or cause them problems. I do not have to wish them harm, or seek to harm them. They do enough harm to themselves without the sin of it on me.


12.5.10

Feels strange


So much of my old life coming back up - far more than I expected. Moving past the most recent mistake has been hard. On the upside I never have to be kind or polite to his ex the psycho again. i think that is a good phrase for her. Revised rules have been adopted:
1. never fuck crazy.
2. never fuck someone fucking someone else who is crazy - there will be blow back from the crazy one.
3. NEVER accept any excuses for lack of communication; do or do not - there is no try.
4. never ever accept a relationship with a partner who will not acknowledge you in public.
5. Still not dating guys named Mike
6. There are no 3 strikes in lying. walk at the first lie.
7. walk at the first sign of adherence to the path of least resistance.
8. If you find yourself making excuses for their behavior - write it down - edit out the names & make someone read it to you. Decide where to go from there.
9. If they don't have truly close friends, they don't know how to make & keep close friends = RUN.
10. If they have not sorted out their family at this age = RUN.
11. If they have no sense of self worth = RUN.
12. If there is no random communication of rumored desires = something is wrong.
13. If they start comparing your relationship to a chess game = RUN.

Seriously anyone who surrounds themselves with superficial disingenuous relationships is not going to make a good partner.

10.5.10

Looks like


My necklace has been a resounding success -
Imight just be selling them soon. It'd be nice to supplement my income. Keep your eyes open & wallets ready. The trees sill be mounted soon - still dunno how exactly but I will make it so. i like how in this one it looks like a spider/bug thingy. I will have better photos & details soon. Oh Etsy by so kind to me...

5.5.10

Heehee


Necklace is done - no ideas what is next, better pics soon...

27.4.10

deadlines came & went


Go read this. This is my life. Suspended animation & dealing with stuff out of my control. I'm composing an open letter that should clear up some of the drama bullshit that has been surrounding me since October. Now that Jay has admitted to his slander campaign I feel free to expose all of it - sunlight being such a great disinfectant. I hate being treated like I'm an angry ball of rage trying to hurt people. I find it amazingly freeing how people accept & encourage his choices & behavior. The excuses made for his actions. Just like any other smoke & mirror show - he's done it before & will do it again. Why? - because it works. Yet I am in the wrong because I am not letting it go & treating him like someone who won't turn on me & hurt myself & others in calculated moves to insulate himself. Or manipulate situations to his desires/designs or just advantages. I don't see the point in not talking about it. Other than that it makes things utterly disingenuous & superficial. I've never been comfy living that way.

25.4.10

Tasty


East Coast Custard's delicious Butter Pecan custard topped w/ caramel & chocolate & pecans & cherries. I'm just sayin it has made my day. I am floaty right now & on the way to sleep hopefully for the whole night through.

24.4.10

blurry pics


of my trees - I'm workin on it
I think I'm in love...
Leastwise I'm in love with me again & officially finished making excuses for the weak coward. I'm looking forward to a weekend of revelations, confrontations, & laughter at someone else's expense for a change.

31.3.10

Love letter



to Archer,
Splooge, I love you. I love your dark & twisted humor. I love the way you say wonderful things for no reason. I love laughing at those people we just shot & set on fire in the other room...
I don't want to have any of your accidents. You make me laugh out loud even in reruns.
Thank you.

30.3.10

Tired & full of angsty madness


Finished what could be the trunk of my second tree - not satisfied. Oi - feel like I am waiting on everything to drop into place. Possibly so. I just hate the consistent runaround from people - let's be honest - one person. I hate waiting for crap that I know. I hate being at the mercy of someone else's shitty self esteem. I hate having to wait for them to think they are worthy to handle situations.

Weak.

29.3.10

Can hz huge bruizez on mah legs


I do not know from whence they came.

I've tried to be gentle w/ myself this week. Oi. Tomorrow = hackerspace then home, sleep & sweet dreams await my ever easing mind.

26.3.10

Oi


Awake since 0230. I'm tired, headachey, sinusy, sore throaty, hot in my head, & cold in my limbs. Just checking in, my C5 vertebrae just popped into place & I hear the wind & rain outside. Hopefully less snow. It was slushy on the drive home last night. I'm hungry. I had Red Threat for supper last night. My housemate is finally kicking off some merchandise for sale that is starting online & will eventually have a physical storefront (color me proud beyond words). At some point I will have delicious pics of the tree up. There is a part of me that wants to do a Strange Fruit homage w/ a lil wire noose in a tree. I see the image in my head & get chills. I dunno if that makes me sick or some kind of freak. I realize 90% of my world will not get the reference. I started comparing my tree to the old psych test of "draw a tree". I'm wondering at all of the ideas that I have, of all the things I want to incorporate into it.

I'm wanting iced caramel latte when I get up today. I showered before bed - fell right under afterwards. Wes called at 0400 - threatening to come cuddle me til I fall back to sleep. $ says he'll be here soon, showing up in the middle of the night, crawling in next to me. Not tonight, most likely this weekend. He's worried. I am too. The fear of the last month has only been equivalent to the fear when I found out my rapist was stalking me again. That was long before I started writing this. I fail for words to describe how much the recent verbal assault harkens back to that period. The emotional traumas clawing back from deep inside. I saw him dead - I poked the corpse - somehow, some nights it doesn't help. I feel like I've been locked inside a trap for so long & I've finally succeeded in gnawing off my arm to get out. Now to figure out how to live without it, how to protect the damaged limb from others seeking to hurt me.

So parcel arrived - sheet sets & the Watchmen from Woody -the subtleties are not lost on me. Sleep more & stop letting people commit illegal acts. It is 0500 - I'm gonna try to catch a touch of sleep before work.

23.3.10

Still @ the hackerspace


Finished a tree. I sat & smiled & enjoyed people. I was snubbed by someone I thought was a friend. Really a sad state of affairs. Gonna have to sort that out sooner than later. I hate Schrodinger's relationship, even among friendships.

OK off to home soon for food & peace...

Time


I choose time limits for a reason. Be it the freight train or the end of the tunnel I need to know the end is coming. I need to be back in the light. When I ask for decisions or responses within a timeframe it is code for "do it or I'll do it". If I am looking for answers & taking the time to listen instead of make assumptions, it is only through great introspection that I have determined that I do not know the answers. If you choose not to answer me - I will choose for you. The worst case scenarios become the reality. They become what I will paint you with because you chose not to clarify. I've lived through horrific things. I've seen & tasted & smelled & touched horrible things. So when you refuse to respond to me I presume you are now one of those things. I'm not talking about dolphins fucking on Indian time. I'm talking about willfully knowingly agreeing to a timeframe then ignoring it as it passes. I believe the lesson we learned in January of 2009 is that I am worthwhile. I know I am worthwhile. I am unwilling to be treated like a second class friend or human being. If you want me, keep me. If you don't, there is the door. If you don't have the courage to stand beside me then I'd rather not have you in my life. I think I need to go back to surrounding myself w/ men who carry blades & know how to use them. Any Odinites left in my world?

22.3.10

Still moving


Weekend was wonderful in a lot of ways & awful in others. I need clarification before documentation because I have some horrible things to say & some shining truths that will cut.

I can't wait for the things I'm working on to come to fruition. Can't wait til the rest of the truths come out.

The storm is making things nice & clean again.

18.3.10

I think I'm in love...


Virtuoso - as brought to my attention by Warren, I want to hold his delicious brains in my hands & feel them pulse. Really pretty & the storyline has sent me twirling away.

& I found detailed instructions re: how to make a thing I fell in love w/ as a childe. My mom got one as a present from one of her patients. I'll hopefully have pics up soon. Little twisted wire tree...

Listening to Bushido @ work right now - The Prince (Machiavelli) is on deck; it had been waaay too long since I've read it.

Mmmmm delicious lil fetuses...

17.3.10

Psycho


Not even the fun Angry Psychos kind of crazy.

Found out i offended someone by not tagging them in a note I wrote on FB. I've written what, 5 notes? Ever, on there, I left off someone because out of my what, 600+ friends on there I didn't think of her???

OK fucking psychos, I'm done w/ the borderline personality, paranoid schizophrenics in the world. I want a mental health clearance that you are not going to cause me or mine harm before you can get on the bus.

People say I'm intimidating, too tall too bright, too much energy & they don't like it when the room gets heavier, the pressure builds & they feel like they maybe just got too deep.

I haven't thrown a punch in anger since pre-highschool. I've never screamed in anyone's face, trying to intimidate them.

I don't need to.

Maybe I need to avoid girls & very effeminate bois, not the gays, loves my gay husbands. But the lil girls w/ their imagined wounds & inexplicable jealousies.

There isn't a person in this world that I'd rather be right this moment. Not even ashes in the grave for a change. Which reminds me: took 5 full minutes upon waking today to sort out why I was alone. Really strange, usually a minute as I come up tops. I'd ended up on the far bed against the body pillows. I was curled around them, in dreams safely tucked in Johnny's arms. Hard to sort that he wasn't here, reached for Adam, he wasn't here either. Just took longer than usual to realize they're gone & not here. Now that the weather is here I wish you were beautiful... err umm i mean this drink is too fruitiful, I think I'm gonna be making an overnight to the graves soon. Might work to reset my internal clock, might just be a good night's sleep. I know I need it, if I keep saying it I'll get my butt in the car & get there. Or you will come pick me up & drag me there...

*** of note***
I dunno when/how I can finish the middling pieces. However I'm home & back to writing more often than not. even if it is only babbling away. Looking back it is like a lovely record of things that took a giant hit this year. I took a giant hit this year. I did some stupid things & let stupid things happen. I'm better now. I have extra cayenne in my chai, considering exactly which dark spiced rum I'm going to purchase to add to it when I drink again. Mmmmmmm rum & chai, lordie, you'd think I was dating Cevan again. I do miss sliding like a child on his latex sheets, the thought makes me giggle.

16.3.10

Is pleased...


I'm actually able to function again. A little, anyway. Feel like last night was transmuting the waters of life. The plans within plans all came clear. All it took was one line. A friend chastising me, knowing only a corner of the story, believing I was being horrible & immature. It all crystallized. It was like the moment our fate was sealed. When Adam & I knew the answer to the question she refused to give. When I fell asleep for the first time in the arms of a man. The bells rang & flames glowed & breaths were held as the universe took note of the choice made @ the turning point. In my muddering, my puddering, my inability to make decisions, to see a path, to sort a way through the underbrush. I was just handed a machete. Hell I was just handed a map, the opposing team's playbook. Sooo much of which was already in front of me. I was just too blind to put it together. The almost audible "snick" as it fell into place.

No worries folks. All will be well shortly. Now that I know what is going on for realsies, not just for guesses, instincts, and inferences.

& Jason, Woody, so we are clear when you call me bout this here lil post. No need for muscle. I feel like gravedancing in my sleep in the very near future. You should join me. I have enough energy to throw into it that we might just raise up some love. I found darkness in the heart of the sunshine, got blinded by the light of the moon.

15.3.10

I'm comin back around


& when I do there will be more posts.

In the meantime musings of my muse.

I'm not paranoid. You aren't paranoid when they are out to get you. I have photos of the people following me, I have recordings of the whispers I hear in the darkness. I see their plays 3 moves ahead. It is not my fault you cannot see it.

I'm not crazy. The voices are real. You aren't crazy as long as you question your own sanity - right? The taste of the color is real too. The pain where my heart used to be is only phantom pain. If you give me some meds I'll go away, I promise.

I'm not heartbroken. He didn't break my heart. He never really had it. I kept it hidden away. I told myself I cared, I trusted, I loved. But really how can I love when my heart is 6 feet under & locked in a coffin. When the last man who held it kept it tightly in his hand as he died.

We never really made love. I was just the piece of flesh he fucked because the woman he wanted didn't want him anymore. He never looked me in the eyes when he was inside me. Closing his eyes picturing her. I was only a momentary satisfaction that never really satisfied. He left as soon as he could after. I was a drink of water while he waited for the rain to return. He didn't love me. He mumbled it when he thought I expected to hear it. Just enough to let me believe what I wanted & not what was real. Not on purpose because he never meant to break my heart - right?

Those are pretty. I want to turn them into real lengthy poetry bits as it is I hear myself singing them into an audience w/ Aaron beside me on the violin.

20.2.10

Mardi Gras update of sorts


Not even a week into my new year - tonight I was screamed at in public. Literally a woman stood & yelled, first in my face, then as she moved further away towards the door turning to yell more & more before finally leaving. I didn't clap but a lady in the back did. I'm so happy she did, it let me breathe. I hadn't realized I was holding my breath. I thought it was done - I took a deep breath in October & moved past it - apparently I was the only one. I was calm & tried not to lose my shit. I was accused of a lot of things tonight. I "get close to people, get them to tell me their secrets, and then go out of my way to cause drama & meddle in their affairs". I am a "fucking judgemental bitch". I was in the same rant both insecure & magnanimous, I was supposed to know that Jay was a liar, in fact I'm stupid for not knowing that he lies & yet I should have trusted his lies completely after I found out. Literally the same set of sentences.

I started it all by answering her questions, that is what set her off. I didn't answer the way she wanted me to. Perhaps my style of communication or just that I thought she was asking for more than a superficial comment. I was so careful not to ask any questions because she was already showing hostility & I didn't want to egg her on. That was horrible of me & just made her continue to lose her shit all over me. I listened to what she said, nodding & acknowledging, trying to understand what she was on about. To glean what she wanted from me to calm down & stop. She didn't want to stop. She just wanted to hurt me as much as she could as long as she could & it made her crazier that I didn't let her force me into reacting.

**Laurie if you remember that last fight w/ Scott before I moved out - before I knew he'd stolen the cat. It was like that only she did not call me fat & it took place in public.

I didn't scream back. I didn't yell or raise my voice - I did laugh loudly @ the end of the night as I walked to my car & she continued yelling @ me (her storming out earlier in the evening was just for show). I couldn't resist it. That was weak - I know it was, I knew it as I did it. Felt a lil Cap'n Tightpants only bein "alright" instead of a "good man" @ the end of Shindig. I didn't call her names or flip her off - that took effort. I held my tongue thru a lot of really nasty things that this woman had been holding onto for goddess knows how long. There is a part of me that wishes I'd have known for sure this was what she had in mind - I might have skipped tonight. BUT then it would have just continued, the online attacks she's been pulling since last Saturday, and of course all the crap she's been harboring against me. Last time I physically saw her in December she was a font of compliments. Granted she'd been drinking. My hand didn't come off of the railing, I didn't trust it. Maybe I caused all of this in not lying & pretending that I feel other than as I do. I held back so many things I would have loved to say - But rationale had clearly left the building - she just wanted to keep on attacking. & yeah I know in my heart it was a lot of lashing out, a lot of unwarranted abuse coming from within her not caused by me, but it still hurt. It didn't hurt as bad as the unexpected attacks last fall. AND for a change it was all about me. She wasn't attacking others to get to me, just me. I can take it. Maybe that is the silver lining. I'm back to trusting, truly trusting maybe 25 people on the planet. And I've spent more time with other people in the last 5 months than the last 5 years combined. If I were a fraction of all she accused me of I'd be living in a cardboard box.

Sooooo, my dearest Mardi Gras gods, could I have a do-over? I want this to be let go of. I don't want this fight I can't fight because the rules are apparently: Attack Jessica constantly & allow for no perspective or discussion. No rationale only blind psychotic attacks. I still don't understand what I did to set her off a week ago. So a Mardi Gras do-over please. If I write it out I could burn up my entire supply of flash paper... Huhmmm, I know it is too late but I need to acknowledge that the begging is crossing my mind. & before the Roman collars collectively speak up, I know that forgiveness doesn't require a time of year or date or contrition for absolution. OK maybe that last bit... I know that like I breathe. I've tied it into the holiday not you, or heaven forfend the Church. This is gonna take at least a dip in a body of live water to let go of. & even then, I have that nagging in the back of my skull that I worked so hard to get over this past fall that I can't believe this really happened. Even writing this trying to make it real it feels like a bad dream.

15.2.10

Mardi Gras, finally


I'm back again @ Mardi Gras, finishing out all the old. I've confronted all that I can confront (can't be held responsible for cowards). I love the freedom tomorrow brings, the focus to finish everything undone. I needed that. I need the ritual letting go of everything that has been unresolved. I regret allowing the pain from trusting liars but I don't regret the exercise of the trust. If that makes sense - it does to me but my brain might be hearing all the inflections, filling in, speaking the tongues of the olde gods as I say it. I hate that in trusting the good in people I was hurt so badly this year. Whether it was the slandering of my name or the horrible things done by former coworkers. Strangely the slander continues, although from a new source. I've gone from slut stealing men to judgemental bitch to drama causing psycho. Damned but don't I get around. However objectively interesting I find it that anyone would waste a breath on a lie let alone lies so ridiculous about me. I can only hope that in falling for some of the manipulations I didn't cause as much pain to others as they caused me. I've faced my mistakes & forgiven myself & others all that I'm able.

When looking at how much I've lost this year it is hard to sort a sacrifice for Wednesday. I'm hoping inspiration will strike tween now & then. My heart sits in someone else's hands, my possessions sit in someone else's space, I'm living in someone else's house, so much has been given up; control, independence, stability, peace of mind, gone. I feel stripped, it'll be interesting to see what the sacrifice will be. I feel the strength of the thing - like 12 years ago, for the piercing sacrifice, just building & building. The power, the energy coming together searching for focus.

Yep I know

There are a dozen posts in half & malformed pieces - I'll post soon in the proper order but tonight I needs to speak of now.

21.1.10

FYI

Seriously - driftglass dreamt this one up & after the SCOTUS decision today I am forced to add the entire Federal gov to the DNC in the Quote:

"And just in case anyone at the DNC is listening, if the national Democratic Party ever wants a minute of my time, a joule of my energy, a dime of my money or a deibold of my vote again, the request had better arrive on my doorstep pinned to Joe Lieberman's pike-transfixed head and wrapped in an open letter from the President of these United States in which he refers to the GOP as the "flesh eating virus of democracy", Fox news as "Reich-kibble for the cognitively-impaired" and the national press as "meth-tweaked lemmings""

16.1.10

More marathoning

#6 Independence Day: Ahhhh ID4 - I clearly remember watching this at the Drive In w/ Sarah in college. Today, of course I slept through a lot of it - I cheered when Will Smith punched the alien & Data showed up but that was about it.

#7 Moonraker: funfun up for a lot of it - I do like a decent Bond film. but that was pretty much all this was to me.

#8 Close Encounters of the Third Kind: was as enjoyable as always - nothing of great significance except the reminder of how many things are more fun than Goofy Golf.

#9 The Adventures of Baron Munchausen: Joi - pure joi loves the Terry Gilliam & the Oliver Reed was fantastic. OK I have a thing for Oliver Reed, you knew that. I really enjoyed it.

#10 Short Circuit: bad jokes, worse than the audience for a change. which is more than a lil shocking - I remember watching this as a kid but I'm not a huge fan by any means.

#11 Surprise #2 WALL-E: Oi I don't care for this movie. Watching it here isn't going to change that. It just is what it is. It is starting now.

Oh Marathon XXXV


How lucky I am to be here. I'm curled up down left as usual in the pit. Comfy on my air mattress. The walk over was better this year 2º to the lovely weather - since the last movie goes on at 0200 - which in Marathon time means 0400ish on Sunday morning the walk back looks to be not horrific as well.

Settling in this year there are more than a couple movies I haven't seen (shocker considering the lack of fundage for food let alone movies in the past 6 months).

#1 Terminator Salvation: I had not seen it - I liked that it followed T2 rather than acknowledging T3. I loved Christian bale though the role didn't exactly give him much to work with. I can't wait til he gets back to meaty roles. The guy from Avatar was in it (I did not know this walking into the movie) and his role was at least conflicted a bit - I dislike him less now, still not attracted to him but less dislike. Of special note - I dug Moon Bloodgood in this film. But overall it was an action flick. not a whole lot more.

#2 Moon: I admittedly do not love sam Rockwell, he pretty much WAS this movie. I dug Kevin Spacey's voice work - but then I do love him. I fell asleep thru bits & pieces, but overall not a bad movie. I dug on some of the end bits. It was interesting, I might consider sitting through it again.

#3 Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Must I explain my undying love for Douglas Adams & all things associated with him? - I enjoyed it in the Marathon atmosphere. The more I see him in it the more Martin Freeman as Arthur Dent reminds me of a very special guy in my life. I spent much of the movie missing him & blushing.

#4 Surprise #1 Bill & Ted Go To Hell: yes yes - I was up to see George Carlin @ the beginning & then slept til "God Gave Rock & Roll to you". No dreams, just sleep.

#5 Der schweigende Stern - First Spaceship on Venus: Dubbed oldie scifi film ripe for the stylins of the MST3K kids in the marathon crowd.

More later as things progress - I've put the meatballs on to slow cook & in 6-8 hours there will be hot tasty food.

12.1.10

Recurrences


Oi, my life - it is important to note that I am employed again. Soon there will be more & more of my random epiphanies from the drives to & from the new job.

So today on the way home I was musing. A recent quote reiterated by people to me my entire life - some semblance of "I never want to be on your bad side". There are 2 situations which cause that statement: 1. they have just witnessed whatever little things are in my control (usually just myself) reacting to someone/thing that has done wrong by me. or 2. Someone who is still getting to know me & they hit upon the hard part of me & they are afraid of it.

Epiphany: Every Single Person - without exception who has offered such statements in situation 2 has done so already realizing that they have done wrong by me. They have proceeded to hide whatever they did. Hoping I would never find out. When I did find out they ran - unable to face me as they are cowards & unable to face anyone or having built me up so much in their heads that they were afraid of "what I am capable of". I am usually hurt by their behavior as they extricate themselves from my life - unless their trangressions are such that they simply cannot be allowed anywhere near me.

Henceforth all people that I meet no matter the circumstance as we become friends - IF they offer the unsolicited commentary re: situ 2 they will be marked in writing most likely here - just to see if my memory is an accurate prediction of future behaviors & the type of people/reasons people say that. That I am reading Drunkards Walk might have something to do with the need for measurable results, my apophenic self needs this right now.

4.1.10

Job starts Monday


Time to sort a new direction for my life - I'm open to ideas.
I'm processing what I've survived so far. I feel a lot - no words to put to all of it yet. I'm sure I'll get there - then you will be stuck reading my ranting madness once again.

27.12.09

Amen.

I'm not reprinting it w/ all the links: go here

However it concisely sums up my opinions on the healthcare reform. WTF people.

1. Add a robust public option open to all Americans.
2. Remove the rollback of a woman’s right to choose.
3. Repeal the anti-trust exemption for private insurance companies.
4. Add early Medicare buy-in.
5. Add a real employer mandate.
6. Fix the excise tax that would reduce the quality of many Americans’ insurance. This can be done by properly indexing it so that it forever remains only a tax on “Cadillac” plans.
7. Move up the start date of reform to as soon as possible. Three years is too long!
8. Increase the affordability tax credits to individuals.
9. Expand Medicaid to 150% of FPL.
10. Reduce the maximum annual out-of-pocket limit to 5% of income.
11. Move up state waiver for innovation to 2014 and add ERISA waiver. The state waiver for innovation is a good idea, but having it start in 2017 creates a bureaucratic nightmare of putting in place one reform only to replace it a few years later. We need to fix our system now, not have states start working toward a real solution a decade from now.
12. Give states that set up “basic health programs” 100% of the money, and allow them to use the program for people above 200% of FPL.
13. Allow for drug re-importation so Americans can get cheaper drugs from Canada or Europe.
14. Give Medicare the power to directly negotiate for lower drug prices.
15. Give the government the power to negotiate for lower drug prices on behalf of all Americans (like every other industrialized country does to bring down pharmaceutical prices).
16. Create a national exchange with a strong regulation enforcer instead of state-based exchanges with weak local insurance commissioners.
17. Force all non-HMO insurance plans on the exchange (or at least on the new OPM exchange) to work with the exchange commissioners to collectively negotiate a single provider reimbursement rate for all insurance plans (as it is in Switzerland, Belgium, and The Netherlands.)
18. Add truly strong risk adjustment mechanisms to force competition based on quality instead of trying to dump sick customers (as is done in The Netherlands).
19. Increase the actuarial value of the minimum qualified plans offered on the exchange and base subsidies on the gold level (80% actuarial value) instead of silver level plan (70% actuarial value).
20. Force all insurance companies on the exchange to offer at least one precisely designed high quality insurance plan. This will allow true apple-to-apple comparisons, and make it harder for insurance companies to game the system.
21. Greatly reduce the amount of plan design leeway given to insurance companies to reduce their ability to game the system.
22. Make it illegal to sell basic health insurance for profit, like in almost every first-world country on Earth.
23. At the least, allow only non-profit insurance plans to take part in the new exchanges (or OPM exchange).
24. Reduce the community rating based on age to at most a 1:2 ratio with age rating bands. (one price for all 18-30 year olds, one price for 30-45 year olds, and one price for all 45-64 year olds).
25. Make minimum medical loss ratio 92%. (Try to do this in way to get around the CBO.)
26. At the very least, remove the MLR loophole for the individual market.
27. Allow state and local governments to apply for grants from the CO-OP program.
28. Allow the co-ops to sell insurance to anyone, not just the small group and individual markets.
29. Allow undocumented immigrants to buy health insurance with their own money on the new exchange.
30. Make all legal immigrants eligible for all public health care programs right away, instead of creating a five year wait.
31. Eliminate direct-to-consumer advertising for prescription medication.
32. Provide enough money to give every American access to a community health care center.
33. Follow the FTC recommendations and create a real pathway for biosimilars to create generic forms of the most expensive medications in this country.
34. Create a Government-run HMO option modeled on the VA system.
35. Scrap the whole bill and replace it with a single payer “Medicare-for-all” system.

And more:

1. Extend everyone’s COBRA coverage until the reform kicks in (like in the House bill).
2. Better define the term “medical loss ratio” in the bill to prevent insurers from gaming the regulation.
3. Give the IRS power and duty to enforce insurance companies’ MLR regulation.
4. Remove the six-month wait for the temporary high-risk pools for people with pre-existing conditions. If you can’t get affordable health insurance, it is immoral that the bill makes you go uninsured for six months before you get care.
5. Set up the exchange and all corresponding regulations for small business as soon as possible (a few months). They delayed the exchange because the regulations in the individual market require the expensive affordability tax credits. The small business market will not get expensive affordability tax credits, so there is no reason not to start the exchange just for the small group market as soon as possible.
6. Let insurers in the new exchange use a reimbursement rate based on Medicare plus some percent. (This idea from Jacob Hacker would have similar cost controlling effects as my previous suggestion of having the exchange commissioner force all insurers using PPO’s to negotiate one standard provider reimbursement rate.)
7. Use the OPM exchange to replicate something similar to the Swiss or German system. (Only allow only new CO-OP plans to take part. Mandate a 93% MLR, precisely define benefit packages, and have them collectively pool their negotiating power with providers and manufacturers. Make all co-ops on the OPM exchange share provider networks, reimbursement rates, and forms for PPOs plans or out-of-network charges. Create a robust internal risk adjuster and give all plans in the OPM exchange the power to reimburse at Medicare rates plus 10% for the first several years while the co-ops and OPM exchange gets off the ground.
8. Allow people below 190% of FPL, but who are not poor enough to qualify for Medicaid, to buy in to the program.
9. At least allow people who were on Medicaid but have incomes that increase just slightly above the Medicaid qualification cut off to “buy in” to Medicaid so that they can keep a seamless coverage despite minor fluctuations in income.
10. Fully Federalize the whole Medicaid program.
11. Provide serious special benefits to insurance plans that score very high on precisely defined sets of metrics (MLR, cost effectiveness, consumer reviews, survival rates, speed of claim reimbursement, easy of appeal process, customer retention, etc.)
12. Encourage states and local governments to find a way to merge their state employer insurance exchanges with the new exchange as long as it can be done in a way that does not reduce the quality or increase the cost of coverage for state employees.
13. Encourage community health care centers to work together to create new fully integrated, cost-effective health care plans to cover individuals in Medicaid, the new “basic health program,” or on the new exchange. (like the Community Health Network of Connecticut)
14. Have all insurance plans that provide coverage for young children have zero cost sharing for the health care of the child.
15. At least make all health insurance plans covering children have extremely low co-pays, deductibles, and out-of-pocket limits for the coverage of the child.
16. Have all young children in the country without insurance coverage, regardless of legal status, automatically enrolled in some form low out-of-pocket public health care program. (No child on US soil or anywhere else on Earth should ever die due to lack of access basic affordable health care.)

14.12.09

Not infinitely


I am patient, but not infinitely so. I am caring, but not without my limits. One of the biggest criticisms I get is that I love too much too deeply & accept far too much from those I love. I accept this too. The truth of the matter is that the line between in my love & out of it are so far back that most friends never get close to it. There are so few things that actually cross those lines. Acts of sexual predation, some murders, abuses, violence against children, extreme things like that. And of course: Lies. Lying to me, lying about me, lying in general that I find out about. That lil devil in all of those details: That I find out about. I find out. I always have, I most likely always will. It is strange when the actions of others force me to eliminate them from my life or from my heart. It is strange watching others I care about pretend to go along w/ people I see as untrustworthy. These are my musings this early early morning. I slept last night, have hot strong tea in my mug & a smile on my face.

7.12.09

Regret

I generally don't regret. I weigh my decisions & interactions, my choices in general very carefully. Not stops me in my tracks paralyzed w/ fear trying to pick a path sort of way, but you've met me, simple fast blink decisions. I screwed up. I was a poor judge of character. I let emotions get involved with the facts presented to me & I chose to believe in someone who should not be believed. It has come to my attention recently that a trusted friend should never have been that at all. In fact I feel awful. Not because I made that mistake. People (including myself) make mistakes, they screw up & that is acceptable. Once a mistake has been made, once it has been realized to be just that; everything then looks to how one handles themselves. Do they come clean & own up to their mistake & attempt to rectify things with the wronged parties? Do they begin damage control in the fear that others have noticed their mistake & attempt to control perceptions about themselves? Do they attempt a character assassination upon the person who pointed out their mistake in the hopes to discredit this individual?

I've chosen to come clean. Since last spring I have believed someone who has been lying to me. Most of the lies have been about other people. I did not step up on behalf of these others because I did not know them well enough to know I was being told lies. Instead I allowed these lies to influence how I approached & thought of these people. There were truths in the lies. But I realize now that I participated, however unwittingly, in the character assassination of others. I deeply regret that.

It happens when you enter a new group of friends that people talk, they give you insights, they share with you the details of the relationships you are witnessing. This is an important function of the social dynamic. I have found that I have given ear to someone, who is not so bright that they see all the ramifications of their lies (I'm saying this person is NOT a mini-Machiavelli), however they are bright enough to think they can control perceptions of themselves & others. Upon finding out the sheer magnitude of the lies I was told I am in utter shock. It was uncomfortable for me to be told things that people did not want the person they spoke of to know. I accepted it as a part of how this person chose to live, shrouded by secrets, they painted themselves as a public figure that people gossiped about. I've found it has less to do with that, so much more to do with attempts to control perceptions.

Think of this less as complaint or reveal and more as a confession. I've been lied to & lied about. BUT I perpetuated the lies by not stopping them. I feel awful about that. I regret that. I'm sorry that I put my name up in defense of this person instead of the people that were being vilified. Out of the darkness and into the light. Sunlight is the best disinfectant. And all that rot, rather all that growth.

3.12.09

A Love Letter to my friends



Dearest friends,

I love you for accepting me the way that I am. For allowing me to change & grow but not labeling me or putting me into a static box. You respect me & the hard choices I make. You treat me with respect, answer when I call, come when I need, aren't afraid to expect the same from me.

I love you. I love the ways you trust me. The truths you tell me. For calling me on my bullshit & reminding me when I'm staring at the line just how far I am from it. For loving me when I call you on your bullshit. For helping me to be honest to myself.

I love you for believing in me & supporting me in every imaginable way. Regardless of the situation, you help me process, to see all sides. You listen to me & tell me what you think & give me the freedom to make my own mistakes while still supporting me as myself.

The support you've given in the last few months has been immeasurable. You've kept me sane, kept me here, kept me in one solid piece. Without you...(insert ridiculously sappy Rent lyrics here)

For singing songs beside the graves, for touch, for understanding, for compassion, for talks til 0400 that never seem to end and yet have just begun, for laughter, for tears, for warming me better than a hot tub, for cooling better than the cold side of the pillow.

Thank you.

I've been writing that for weeks now - I feel it is as ready as it can be - of course - there is sooo much more.

1.12.09

Sweet lord...


Scares me oodles. Seriously everyday the world gets a lil more scifiscarelicious - though i've stopped chanting 1918 for a while.

30.11.09

Peace in the Valley...


This is how I feel tonight - thank you Alabama 3 - if you can tell me the underlying message of this song - there is a prize in it for you.

"For whatever reason you refuse to feel this space we're in,
To know its insanity, really know it,
Whatever your particular anaesthetic is, that you hold onto so desperately,
The thing I mean that makes you think you know who you are,
Whatever that thing is that you allow to keep you sane,
Your ace in your hole,
The psyche that keeps you from trying to guess what your pimp has in store for you,
Whatever keeps you from screaming out at this very moment in absolute and sheer horror,
Whatever you fuck your brain with, whatever that is,
Whatever that is,
It's a lie,
It's a lie."

She spends too much time with herself every night
Just fooling around with her fears.
In the morning she mourns the decline of her mind
Drowning in a bottle of beer.
It's too dangerous just to think about what she might have been
If she'd sung for salvation, if she'd danced on her dreams.

But there's gonna be peace in the valley tomorrow
'Cos tonight she's gonna blow it all away
Lord, she feels so twisted, She ain't ever gonna fix it,
She's just waiting for the light to shine on a brand new day.

An' he don't know if he's a communist, a hedonist or a whore
Spent too much time ridin' on a white line to find the door
An' if he did and he opened it, he'd find those letters in the hall
But he's too blind to read between the lines
'Cos the writing's on the wall.

There's gonna be peace in the valley tomorrow
'Cos tonight he's gonna blow it all away
Lord, he feels so twisted, he ain't ever gonna fix it,
He's just waiting for the light to shine on a brand new day.

(Let that light shine awhile,
Grand old oprie lights are on, Hank Williams on the juke box, we all comin' home tonight.
I'll tell you dear...)

I got Ecstasy, but I need some company
You got that mystery; Lord I need a plan
All I got is a compromise and a bag full of alibis
Lord, as empty as the bottle of whiskey in my shaking hands.

There's gonna be peace in the valley tomorrow
'Cos tonight we're gonna blow it all away
Lord we feel so twisted, we ain't ever gonna fix it,
We're just waiting for the light to shine on a brand new day.

(One more time for the people)

There's gonna be peace in the valley tomorrow
'Cos tonight, we're gonna blow it all away
You know we feel so fuckin' twisted, we ain't ever gonna fix it,
We're just waiting for the light to shine on a brand new day.

(Now's the time for you to get right and repent)

Oh yeah.

20.11.09

So much & yet so little


DiFranco was sick - he is getting better. Had to have 8 teeth removed. We are waiting on results from thyroid tests. He has one more day of pain meds left - I've been daily updating on the FB. Pic is over a year old - he's lost about 1/2 the weight-but structurally still a big kitty. He's on a prescription diet to regain some of the weight & shows signs of a returning appetite.

My sleep schedule is completely out of whack. Fretting over too much out of my control. Trying to control what little i think I can. I can't find my chai - it is kinda making me crazy. That & the grow light for Dagon & the bamboo - so far they are ok - but I can't seem to find it.

5.11.09

Oh here I am


Up in the middle of the night - waiting for sleep that seems to have lost my number.
On the upside I have a job interview for an LMT position next Tues morning - however it will be indie contracted & not solid. & C has hooked me up w/ possible seasonal work on the eastside. & I'm still meeting w/ the owner of the Salon around the corner for wknd indie contracted relaxation work there. I need $$$.

Obi is doing well, fat & purrlicious as usual. DiFranco has lost a lot of weight, kinda lookin a lil skin & bones. I can't get him to eat the NutriCal - I'm worried a bit, but he is acting like normal- just looks all crazed because of the BioSpot oiliness on his neck yet.

In trying to patch my wall tonight - my housemate caused some sparks from the electric. It is out, we are fine - it is just a much bigger job to sort out than we thought. And yes - it kinda freaks me out.

I'm chillin in bed - hoping for rest soon, I swear my sleep schedule is completely screwy again - I'm up & then I'm down then i'm up again & the phone is jammed in next to my pillow so I won't miss a call as I doze during the day. This is still my best time of night. No caffeine, NONE. Which makes it stranger. oi.

30.10.09

Happy Devil's Night



On this night I remember the details of Brandon Lee's death, where I was, how I found out. The circumstances surrounding my first viewing of the film. It is New Year's Eve on soooo many levels. I love it. I had it on tonight as I was sewing the costume for one of my housemates - she is going to be an eel - my meager sewing skills brought forth a barely fitting strapped frock - which is kinda cool considering it was a satiny material & I couldn't find my good shears to cut it with & have no pins to pin & couldn't find my tape to measure. I had the opportunity to do the zombie makeup for a friend of mine - it was cool all Thompsonesque - I did a temple wound - I love doing that.

On the flip I slid into The Crow the deeper issues, the things that cannot be forgiven & all the bits & pieces that O'Barr's work struck in me. They still strike. I'm like a giant bell & he strikes just right to leave me ringing for days. My thoughts feel thready, I'm to bed.

27.10.09

O freakin K


Best moment of the night - I just got to my room AND I just turned on the recording of Castle from tonight. And our blessed Nathan Fillion is putting on... ... ... Oh hells yes!!! a "space cowboy" costume. Yeppers, it is our beloved Capt'n Tightpants in everything but the browncoat - the coat had a hint of red to it but that can be forgiven. Oh how I love that man. AND I love Firefly. AND I love Halloween. AND fantastic Frank Miller comic book details. AND using a Dremel to carve a pumpkin in the shape of Max Shreck. AND acting like a proper father to his tv daughter. JOI - tonight's episode has made watching Castle totally worth every moment. Seriously it only gets better - I am not erasing this til it airs again & then only to rerecord it.

Tonight the other best moments included possibly ending drama & strife in my life involving someone I love. Oh how this could end some of the relationship mindfuckery if everyone is agreeable. The email has been sent - we'll see how this plays out & I might just have to scream it feels so good to make things be less stressful.

Tonight there was also resolution to another issue that has been weighing on my mind & heart. Maybe I should rename this post "An Ode to the Jois of Open Communication" I feel like air for a moment. I know this is a moment. & this moment will pass. There are so many other things weighin me down right now. i feel like tattooing sensation into the somatic memory of people so they understand what I mean by Open communication & what i mean by immediately sharing information & ideas & feelings. I firmly attribute these things to be the cause of Obi coming up & headbutting me before curling up purring in my arms tween the keyboard & I. Truly I am euphoric about finally having some semblance of control over something - myself.

No headache or any other pain. Hot damned.

25.10.09

Am ok for now


Pain has passed & I am regaining my usual energy & verve. I am fully throwing myself into this new game called "Life" - though I do like that my car isn't full of lil plastic knobs. Only my bed (haha) - seriously I'm continuing the jobhunt & lawyerhunt though I've been able to get my hands on some interesting paperwork & find out a few interesting things about the people who have caused the last 2 months to be so horrific.

I am currently snuggled in at the House - not the Haus - there can only ever be one Haus & that is in Toledo. Ahhh even as I write this I realize that I could just write FTS - I'm snuggled in @ the FTS Compound errr... maybe commune. Watching bad movies... Red Sonja currently - making me smile & feel less terrible about not being able to do more.

Snuggles & cuddles from this touch starved grrl.

19.10.09

Updates:


Trying to catch up on some of the events.

Decompression - good & good for me. All except for the sleeping outside in a tent in that weather - A wonderful "more than a friend" {oh, the jois of avoiding definitions til further notice - I'm not complaining, I am joi} joined me so it wasn't as cold as it could have been.

Zombieland - was a brilliant movie, truly I recommend it w/ no precautions. It was seen w/ crazy urban family & i hearted it.

My patient's funeral - was really good & appropriate. It was good to have my feet on sacred ground. I thinks that I need to spend some time in Carey, OH @ the shrine or at least an old stone Catholic church soon. I crave the energy. I need to feel the cold seeping into my bones.

Georges - was here from Glasgow & I loved having him. I enjoyed his visit as well as his physical presence - I'm just perpetually touch starved these days. Sad sending him home.

Sarah & Franco - reconnecting face to face after years - it was soooo good to lay eyes & hands on them.

Metallica - freakin 3rd row seats - It was AMAZING. Like just picture me channelling the end of the "Snakes & Barrells" episode of Metalocalypse. I love their music so much & the vibe @ their show was fantastic.

That brings us to today.

I have my plan of attack for the week mapped out & I am heading into it full force. I'm shaking but shouting. Screaming a lot of "Psycho Killer" lately. Qu'est-ce que c'est?

11.10.09

Update


My patient has passed, yes, that one, I'm dealing with it now. Thank you for anything you sent - prayers, energy, light, love. It was a good death surrounded by loved ones. She was younger than my father. I can't put into words right now how precious she is in my heart. She showed me a light I had forgotten in the last 7 months working with her. I have greatly & deeply benefitted from having her in my life. I am grateful.

I wonder if she'll find the answer to the Crash Test Dummies question for God, a query that caused him to shuffle his feet, when she got to heaven. - the tenses are on purpose, I believe there is no time wherever she is now.

10.10.09

I was hoping that this would wait...

until later in the presidency - you know until it was actually warranted- until he had actually caused peace somewhere in the world.

BUT - I can't resist this:


8.10.09

In other news...


Georges gets here from Glasgow in less than a week!!! - I'm so excited that I can hardly contain myself. Short of the Metallica show there are no plans - AND yet still I am too excited to see & cuddle his skinny butt.

Prayers, energy, light...


My cancer patient is dying - you've been around me for the last 6+ months, you know who I am talking about. She is a dear sweet soul & is currently surrounded by family & friends. All I'm saying is that she is not too much longer of this Earth. All prayers, love, light, & energy that the transition is smooth & swift.

On the side I've got to admit that I appreciate being involved so closely with death & dying & terminally ill patients because it keeps me honest. Who has time for petty liars & their bullshit drama when you are holding hands with death? Perhaps this is me being way too extreme, but as with all passings I am reviewing my life & I realize again that I am happy with my choices.

1.10.09

Cleaning, organizing, joi


Tonight I made dinner for my new household - spaghetti & meatballs - they had been simmering most of the day. Good reviews all around. I am currently cleaning & reorganizing my space it is about 50 in here & I am eyeing my pile of "to be blankets" clothes & my sewing machine - but the piles of stuff in between are daunting - I hope to have it presentable for saturday night.

Speaking of which we are having a party here at FTS Compound for Justin's birthday - if you haven't met Justin he is fantastic. You can see my new digs & visit the cats if you make it out. Well you can meet the other 4cats & come up to my room to see mine.

Adjusting - kinda.