Kerry's touch - I miss touch, but not his specifically & I know that emotions color that statement, but let's be real: I still blush at the thought of Adam's kisses, at the somatic memory of my hand touching David's face, I've touched hundreds of bodies since those & yet they are still burned onto my skin. Not so w/ Kerry & countless other bachelors over the years. I realized this as I drove to work this morning, shocked that I made it through last year & remembering all that was going on when Kerry walked away. I miss what I perceived as love, which I just end up chastising myself for - no point in "missing" the mountain of lies he told me. I do miss the feelings those lies elicited in me, which I'm not pleased with. Funny is that it has made things harder. I don't believe even the simplest of compliments. I use my face & eyes to smile & say thank you - but what I hear is the same as hearing "your skin is pale" or "your eyes are green" - it means nothing to me. It isn't a matter of believing the speaker. I just don't care if anyone finds me pretty. If you aren't complaining about me there is a voice in my head reminding me that for every spoken compliment there are a dozen flaws that you are just not mentioning right now. I miss his eyes sometimes, but they aren't burning before mine when I close mine. I don't wake up reaching for him in the middle of the night. I still reach for Adam even when it isn't a nightmare driving me to consciousness. Even without focusing Kerry's chest is never the pillow I'm sleeping on. I find myself sleeping on other chests, memories or desires; he just doesn't make the cut. My ears don't search for his heartbeat. From a very objective place I find this interesting. I find it interesting that I can't take a compliment to heart - which of course is companioned by the fact that I cannot take a criticism to heart either. I smile & make my eyes & mouth say yes & accept things being said but it trickles off. I don't know for sure but I think this goes back to childhood: no reward so great, no punishment so severe as to make me alter myself & my current path to someone else's desires. Everything comes down to the logical worst case scenarios I ask myself can I live with it? & if I can then I do whatever I want. If I can't I hatefully alter things. But a man can learn to tolerate damned near anything. I got that from a man writing about a man writing about a man who shoved mice up his bum for $20 a mouse. I'm vindictive & I hold a grudge. You, dearest readers, might have sorted this out by now. & despite my mother's best efforts to tell me "what good does it do?!? carrying this around inside of you?!?!" It is still there, not the great bag of rage that I used to haul around. Instead a very precise white-hot hatred. So anyway, I don't miss Kerry's touch.
Shallow friends - I feel like I'm back on the right path, finding the artists & poets again at least the people w/ poetic souls that they are willing to bare with me. I've bitched & moaned before about finding myself surrounded by people that I barely know. I couldn't tell you if they had siblings, where they were from originally, what their life was for. I've come back around to growing what I feel are good albeit distant relationships with people that are willing to get deep with me. That isn't to say I only want deep subject matter: Jules or Sarah & I can carry on for a good 10 mins about certain tv shows & their character development & story arch for the season & I know that has nothing to do with the real world, but I also know we can talk to eachother about those little niggling thoughts in the back of our heads anytime or spend hours hip deep in political discussion.
A job that sucks my soul out of my ear - I am happy at my current job. Well as happy as I can be at a place holder gig that is designed to get them to pay for me to get to where I want to be. Even on the worst most stressful days (and I know there are far more to come) it is still better than having my ass handed to me by patients & administration alike.
Being in a kind of monogamous relationship - I think it will be a while before I do that again - if ever. I think that it has little to do with others outside my head. - I literally feel most embarrassed by my thoughts that no one heard, the things I felt that no one knew about. I dig stability. But I'm not interested in monogamous stability right now. Fuck that. Fuck giving one person the power & interdependence to fuck up my whole world. The bachelor hunt continues until I am sated & it takes a lot more than a skinny inhibited guy full of his own fears & lies to sate me. I'd love to say it wasn't worth it. But the relationship exposed a lot of things I didn't know about myself until I got there. I needed it to happen.
1 comment:
Mmmmmmm, Bachelor Hunting Season...sounds like the perfect vacation. I will be allowed to gander at my prize buck in November. But the hunt will have to continue until the new year. Then I will have my opportunity to "bag the buck", to coin a phrase. The only thing remaining is the execution. I have the plan, I have the ammunition (Patron, herbage, & Metallica, live from 5 rows away, I might add), I just need the nuts involved to take the shot. I've never nailed a prize so large before. There are some serious risks involved, & if I fail, or it goes badly, then the next 40 years will be very strange. I need some tactical manuver advice, I need a varity of ways to approach this stag, without freaking him out so he then runs. Of course, isn't that always the risk when hunting?? My male hunter friends aren't really any help b/c they say no stag in his right mind would run from me, but we females know better. And he doesn't help my confusion when he has previously sent me drunk txt msgs "Baby, what u doin? I miss__ I'm fuk dup" WTF is that supposed to mean & how am I supposed to read that? Drunk dialing is one thing, it's easy to hit 1 wrong button while intoxicated; but a txt is a WHOLE other story. One has to focus when sending txts under the influence. My near decade of celibacy is beginning to be too much when I'm near him, & I think I may explode (although that might be OK, too) if I can't take care of this in 09'. As much as I would like to blame it on complete physical attraction, there's a mental attraction as well that is hard to resist. We agree on so many points politically & philisophically(sp?) Any thoughts on how to land my stag?? I miss you, I love you, & I hope your hunting season in bountiful!!
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