The story of my life?

"I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented." ~ Elie Wiesel

I cause all kinds of problems, all the time.  No joke.  I open my mouth & I expect others to do the same.  I require it.  To be less is to roll over for the abusers, an unwillingness to fight, to stand for yourself or others.  Fuck that.  I don't need that.  Peddle it elsewhere.

Epiphany of the day

I went in to work today - still at one of the greatest places on Earth.  I spent part of my early morning talking about it & our industry in general with one of my oldest and dearest friends who was also recently hired in.  While he was sitting with me at my desk I introduced him to my coworkers - informing them of how we knew eachother, that he is new, where he is working in the company after training, etc...  I love this guy & he is brilliant & amazing.  I want him to succeed, I want him to have familiar faces & even though not everyone will remember him after such a brief introduction - you and I both know that it banks until later.  He won't remember everything about everyone either but again, it banks in the memory.  For all the modernness of our lives the company is by & large a Knowaguy network.  Things get done & get going & ideas take off because someone knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy & people talk & make stuff happen.

I realized today that my behavior is pretty much the exact opposite of the behavior of 3 people I was friends with when I started.  I have many other friends at the company and they tapped me in to the Knowaguy network but those 3 that I was "closest" to at the time made zero effort to do so.  The stark contrast is shocking.  I hope my efforts make my friend's transition into the company and path to prosperity easier than my own. 

2012→2013

It took about 8 months for all of the cowards and victims to be removed from my life last year.  I'm pretty sure that I am currently clean.  I hardly noted their passing.  It feels so good to no longer have a cadre of self-hating synchophants badgering me constantly for my attention, enthusiasm, love, and pitching butthurt fits when I failed to notice or care about their demands.  I feel a drive to develop a Gom Jabbar of sorts for new people I meet - but mostly I've learned to watch more carefully the interactions of people with the perceived power around them.

I spent NYE in Berkeley with Kelly & Woody - as we counted back through the funerals, births, false starts, failures, and triumphs of the past year it felt like home.

I'm not sure what is left to be resolved this year.  I've managed to remain myself paddling through the hot molten crazy around me this year.  Work is wonderful, my living situation is amazing, my health is stellar, and my relationships are pretty phenomenal.  One possible area is to purposefully be more aware of allowing anyone in my life who use me as their "Slappy Dappy". 

Traipsing barefoot across the coals...

The first thing I notice are the jokes.  After the event is over and they've chosen not to attend, not to risk the walk, not to risk the fire, not to risk anything.  The twittering jokes, "careful where you step", "How's that pedicure?", "heeheehee...".  I smile, take the prodding, fighting the urge to just walk away.  I know that the joking is the curiosity, the first steps of the wanting to understand, the desire for more information.

I'm not feeling like a teacher these days.  I am, in fact, actively against offering anything that I have or that I possess to anyone in the world.  With the exception of paid services.  I'm still a healer for hire, I'm still more interested in healing loved ones than getting paid for it.  I'm also not interested in growing that list of loved ones.  I'm not interested in offering anything to anyone which might give them a reason to falsify emotions for me.  I'm done being lied to for the things that my friendship offers.  Until I am satisfied I am offering nothing.  My friendship is worth nothing.  No insights, no drama, no trust, no invites, no introductions, no home, no safe warm place in the shelter of my will. 

So much

has changed, yet nothing at all. 

I'm living in new digs.  Still gently paddling my kayak through the hot molten crazy.  Obi's breast cancer has finally, officially metastasized into her lungs - we're back to counting days.  Physically there is 10% less of me than a year ago at this time.  My family is thriving, my employment is still pretty freakin great & only getting better, I'm still mixin some of the tastiest cocktails on the planet, and my bed is the softest place ever. 

I'm finally slowing down enough to write again.  Tonight I came home, swam laps for an hour, floated in meditation for 20 mins, enjoyed a salad of fresh greens w/ balsamic over caramelized onion & blue cheese focaccia bread, and now I'm finishing this to go back to wire work & new tv shows. 

sung to the tune of My Buddy...

My Hernia, My Hernia, My Hernia and me...

Can I just tell you how much I hate my hernia.  No Nexium for over 3 weeks.  the Omeprazole OTC is not so much the best, even supplemented with other antacids as needed.  I have been puking every night this week regardless of how recently before bed I ate.  I go to sleep, I wake up and hear the voice telling me to "Run!" So I run.  Eventually I get cleaned up & back to sleep. 

I'm just exhausted.

Untouched

I remain untouched.  I am untouched. 
Inside, emotionally, where it counts.
I know a secret, your secret, everyone's secret.
You really don't care, not really...
I'm not upset by this
It doesn't touch me
I am a thing that exists in your world until you throw me away.
until you have used me for whatever you hoped to gain
A passing moment caught in its own death throes, too busy in your head to notice
I'm not really there with you
I'm untouched by you, on the inside

I lie awake at night thinking of you
not YOU, the being inside the body
but you, the relationship slot you are filling in my life right now
You to whom I say "I love you"
I mean it, just not nearly as deeply as you think, as you want to believe

You have been here, in my life, for a year or two, for months, weeks, days, hours
You aren't real to me yet
You'll tire and move on before that
I've been here for decades
I've slept more nights of my life atop graves than in a bed with you
I find more comfort in the dirt than in your arms

I am not numb, I feel
Just not where you can touch me
I remain untouched.  I am untouched. 

Tonight

I've been alone most of the weekend, blessed alone.  A weekend of meditation, fasting, spellwork, and prayers.  So much healing in this space insulated from so much.  Tonight my housemates are home, I'm curled up watching summer premiers. 

I am so happy right this moment.  Relaxed, breathing, cuddlesharks curled around me, cold breezes through the windows, alarm set.  This is just a really peaceful happy night. 

My petri dish feels full for the first time in a long time.  My altar is clean & the scent of Dragon's Blood and Frankincense is drifting about. 

Demon, I name thee Guilt.

I have a problem, I know things, I find out things, and when I do - I need to do something about them.  I cannot ignore them, I am compelled by an internal force to react to information.  I speak, I warn people, loved ones about dangers, about dangerous people, about everything I can to protect them.  To just give information, lots of information, all the information that I have in the hopes that they can make a decision on their own.  In the hopes that the responsibility I feel because of the knowledge I possess will be alleviated, that somehow by telling I am no longer responsible for people getting hurt because I knew they were getting involved with someone who is dangerous.  It doesn't work, I still feel guilty, I still feel like I could have said or done something, that I could have stopped people from getting hurt.

In my brain, my rational self knows better.  I know that I am not responsible for choices others make.

The basis of my guilt is not the incident at hand, it never is, the guilt is always there, just below the surface, waiting. 

So let me tell you why, why I feel compelled to "air dirty laundry in public", to "name names", to publicly avoid interacting with certain people and why I avoid giving money, time, and attendance to events that I know are run by sexual predators, to distance myself and those I love from people I have found to be dangerous - regardless of the reason, the explanation for the dangerous behavior - be it drugs, lack of meds, psychotic breaks, even simple they "were at a bad place in their lives".  Through intentional choices of behavior they have injured others or myself in ways that I find to be completely against my core values.  Not everyone shares the same values and standards that I do.  I know that - but I have mine and I use them and they serve me well.  Someday I might even get around to writing them all out.

Back to the story at hand:  A long time ago (over 15 years ago) in a world far far away (nowhere near herehere), when I was young, I was raped.  This is not new news, the details can be found by talking to me directly or of course if you were in my life at the time, you know this already.   I was raped, by a friend, an ex-lover, the details of which are not so important.  I survived with a little help from my friends.  I thrived with a little help from my family.  I did not pursue him, not legally, I mandated that my friends could not harm him, I chose that.  I chose it because I could not handle the dissonance between what he was and who he had become. 

I am responsible for there being no legal record of the rape.  I am responsible for choosing to allow him to live as a fully functioning man after the rape.  I chose that path.

Years later (around 5 or so) things happened, and entire series of events that some of you know & some of you may have to inquire about if you feel the need to know.  I found out that my rapist was on his way back to me, he knew where I was working, where I was living, he had a plan to get to me.  I found out that he had raped several other women in the interim years.  They looked like me, I've seen the pictures.  They looked just like me.  They were scattered all over the country, he was wanted in several states for these alleged crimes.

Upon finding this out I realized that I was responsible for their pain, I was the reason he was able to continue on his path.  I sat with that for many years, processing, the differentials between my path and the path I had allowed him to take.  I was on me, all on me.

It took those years for me to accept & deal with the fact that his path was his own.  I made choices that altered it but I am not responsible for his choice to walk it. 

I am not responsible for his other victims' pain, their lives, I know this.

But from that point forward in my life, I don't keep silent well, I don't easily keep quiet about things I feel are dangerous.  And with that we have reached full circle.  This is the story of why I am this way that I am.

Nothing quite like it

There is nothing on Earth like pulling the gag out to make one fall in love with one's own voice.  In the next week more posts will be appearing filling in the interim spaces.  In a few hours I will be officially free and under zero obligation to hold my tongue.  A great culling of the herd is due.  I am happy.