Loong assed nights - at 29º

I hate the cold weather - this is not news. I like snuggling under the layers and layers of comforters - also not news.

But every once in a while I enjoy nights like tonight. I am curled up under the covers, cross stitch project in hand - if you've been around a bit it is the same damned wolf scene I have been working on off and on for freakin ever now. The sky is done and I am 2 colors in to the wolves on the ledge. I am enjoying a light head from the Darvocet. I was taken away to the Westside market today - so much fun - I wish I had the drive to go every week. Mostly I am grateful people showed up to take me out of the house. I digress... I am sipping hot vanilla chai w/ fresh nutmeg, and the cat has given up chasing the thread and is now just purring and sleeping next to me. so pleasant. South Park reruns are on and so I giggle sporadically. Just feels nice. No worries, or at least the suspension of them for just a moment. I like that.

Everything hurts

I love 2 things in life right now. 2 very special things: BioFreeze and Darvocet. Tween the 2 my back hurts less, my arm (which started hurting for no damned reason today in the triceps where I am riddled w/ trigger points, and "inflamed") hurts less, my knees (which showed up w/ painful mystery bruises a week and a half ago) hurts less, and my wrists - cause u know I give it all up for my peeps - er, I mean patients are feeling great.

I'm just joiness about it right now & thought I'd share - & Pan's Labyrinth is in theatres here & I want to go this weekend.

Yay!!!

Tomorrow night I settle in to the recorded State of the Union addy w/ Darvocet and so forth on board.

Me & Mini Me

Oh yeah - together again. It has already been only a week - and I miss her like crazy.

Here's to dreams coming true

So it is here: the Piers Anthony "Magic of Xanth" has been acquired. Thank you Joe.

It is the unabridged version however so it is 5 times as long as the original. This will take a while. A happy happy while.

Heading up the hill again...

And yes for those of you keeping score - I will be continuing on the whole "my family is like a rollercoaster" track.

So My Sister: She is amazing & wonderful in everyway. We got the news this week that the incidentaloma is maybe not so incidental. It is more dense than the docs would prefer so they are doing more tests and taking more pics of her innards. We are waiting to see what is next, we have 3 options: 1, it is really an incidentaloma - just a lil denser than preferred - no worries all good. 2, it is another GIST and she has a higher chance of recurrence somewhere else in her system. 3, adrenal cancer - BAD, like I am a vindictive evil bitch and on my worst day, even I wouldn't wish it on my most hated foe. It is possible that she may have to have the adrenal gland removed - but you can live with only one - so not the end of the world.

And my stomach is all knotted and I am going to make my doc appts sometime this week so they can stick the cameras in me and make sure things are as they should be.

"I know u love me, cause u let my spit dry in your ear..."

Ahhhh news - the munchkin is in town. We are having a good time, a crazy time, the usual. I am home right now - there are soo many things going on that it is going to take me a while to update everything. My little brain is just spinning a bit. I wish one of the little dudes would just show me the way thru the forest. I'm feeling damnedly blinded by the trees.

U got the $$$ this is where to put it:

I'm passing on this open letter cause everyone should read it, and if you were until now unaware - you no longer have an excuse:

Thanks to Porphyre

GO HERE for more Info.

"Dear everyone,

We stand at the beginning of the very last week Heart of the World has to make itself a reality. From here we can only see a brief dazzle of seven days before the fateful Monday that makes or breaks our dream. From here we must stand back and seriously consider how close we stand to our goal.

And where we stand is quite close.

If anyone was waiting for just the right time to bring in a Hidden Ace or a Secret Master Plan to win it all, this is exactly it. With one week to go, Heart of the World needs all of us more than ever. We stand near enough to the purchase of the space to smell the sawdust and the fresh paint.

There's still plenty that needs to be done. Shares can still be bought by anyone with a couple hundred to spare. Men and women can still set out to spread the gospel of this grand design. Lonely corners of the internet can still be told. Somewhere out there may be the person, place, solution, or idea that gets this place built.

If you've been waiting for later to get involved, later is now.

Heart of the World is in all probability the first arts center buoyed by the global community. Men and women, artists and audiences, professionals and amateurs from the human multitude have already given their hours, dollars and wishes to this dream. We are all of us carrying the hope and message that human beings care enough about art and each other to come together and create a place like this. For a lot of us, this dream we're nursing is far, far away in some distant corner of the world we probably haven't even thought of until this idea came along. Many of us will never see it once it's built.

But we will hope and we will dream because none of those details matter. Art matters. Community matters. The Heart of the World matters.

We have a week. Send us your ideas, your grasps at straws, your clever last minute plans, and yes even your (or your friends'/contacts'/etc.s') money for a share. This is where it all comes down. This is where the dream becomes real.

Thank you for your time, your love, and all the hope you've given us.

-- Jhayne Holmes and the Heart of the World volunteers"

No, I said, "GO HERE for more Info."


We can let it grow, now how often is that the easy choice?

Today's fortune...

"All that we are is a result of what we have thought." Lucky Numbers: 27, 12, 49, 7, 33, 40

Kinda shitty as far as "fortune" goes. More a statement of random fact. Kind of like my entire statements on "It is important to know your past because it will undoubtedly give birth to who you will become." Which really is all any of us can ask of each other and ourselves.

This all of course coursing through the frontal lobe right now 2º to the conversations I've had these evenings w/ friends. Realizing that I feel like I've been wading in a shallow pool in some of the geographically closest friendships I have. I stop thru Toledo on the way home for the holidays & spend hours upon hours talking with friends there. Yes, there is a portion spent updating eachother, what I'm doing, what they are doing, what their kids are doing, and what our mutual friends are doing. Time spent speculating on mutual friends that have fallen off of the planet. But then there is time spent talking, really talking. We know eachothers' worlds: families, loves, losses, truths, fears, hopes, dreams, histories (even the parts we weren't present for), beliefs, passions, and regrets. Some we know more than others. Some are still being revealed as time keeps moving. When we met, as we spent time together, "back in the day" - we would talk, really talk. Expressed thoughts, and ourselves - yes I know desperate to be understood we told our tales, laid ourselves bare before eachother. We don't do that anymore. We leave that to the college kids, the young Turks all handsome and dashing. We now meet over drinks and keep drinking and next thing you know it is time to crawl into bed or home. There are no endless cups of coffee and tea; periodically broken by snacks. Ok, and at the time cigarettes - almost all of my friends used to smoke. Now we're older Silver Girl, and there is no time for such things, no one listens and everyone is afraid to talk. Or they are all like me and keep forgetting that no one knows me here. No one was around for the past so they aren't aware of it. So many people around me are new, they didn't get the call when my dad died. They weren't with me when Adam passed, or Johnny, or Justin, or Granny (my favorite sleeping dragon - my god, I wrote a 2 page epic poem about what it felt like to watch over her as she slept - no one here has ever read or heard it), or the only grandpa I ever knew - the adopted one, or Puck for that matter. Most of my current geographically closest world wasn't with me when I was raped, or when I dealt with it, not with me when coming home from work one night I found myself without a home to come to. They also weren't around for the best moments, becoming a blood aunt, Titania having kittens, my best friends' weddings, my licensure. We've never prayed or cast together, rarely even touched on our beliefs, let alone touched eachother in ritual.

I miss those connections. My friends, my family. My home in all their homes, and their homes in mine. I miss people knowing where the mugs are and getting their own tea. I miss random visits at all hours of the day and night cushioned only by the gifts of booze and cheesecake. Cause you know if you show up at my door, be you man, woman, flesh, or spirit; as long as you have booze or cheesecake (preferrably both) you are welcome within.

And it is my fault, I keep thinking the poets will find me again drawn as we always were to eachother likes moths burning apart drawn to eachothers' flames. The poets drown their dreams elsewhere now. Maybe I'm just afraid I'm drowning mine too.

Home Sweet Home

When I say this is where I am from & try to describe it as a "teeny tiny village in the middle of nowhere northwest Ohio" this is what I mean. Go look. Maybe it will make more sense in your head.

Notes on "Mini Me"

She got into Findlay - which means she could go to college in this state - She could be less than 3 hrs from me - WOOHOO

I AM SO HAPPY!!!

Uh huh...this is how I know you mean another me

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 3,116 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

That is 3,115 too many of me.

The minute things are interesting...

So Bachelor #1: 2007 appears to be a bust. I was vibing him, apparently he wasn't vibing me. Odd though, there was laughter, sparking, giggling and great eye contact on both sides throughout. And more interesting conversation than I've had in months. Feh. Just sucks, I really enjoyed him. Perhaps we'll float thru eachothers' ranks for a time & sort the rest out.



You know at some point I am going to look into the eyes of someone who wants to not stop looking in my eyes. Someone who actually wants to put in the time to see where the rabbit hole goes. I miss being read by someone capable of stringing the words together and accepting them as they are. Someone who can learn all my secrets, allow me to learn all of his, and can still take a deep breath in eachothers' arms, safe. Not idealized perfection, not fantastical romantic dreams, but reality, diarrhea, flu-like symptoms, arguments, insomnia, nightmares, and all. Someone to share those deeper levels that have nothing to do w/ orgasm or physical intimacy at all for that matter. The parts that have far more to do with the nothingness, the wholeness within that we so rarely visit alone, and rarer still open enough to share.

Sidenote of interest for those keeping track

I haven't gotten a paycheck from my old Friday job (Center for Integrated Therapies) in over a month. Nor any information as to when I can expect payment for services rendered in good faith. Nor any follow-through on their idol threats. As if I am about to forget that I am owed money. Interesting that.

What I want, what I really really want...

The audiobook versions of the first 3 books of Piers Anthony's Xanth series.

I had them when I was much younger - I've looked about and the special 6 cassette (yes cassette) edition is no longer in print. I have searched and begged to find them on CD, to no avail. I am searching for any format I can get my hands on, digital, analog, anything but someone else reading them. I have vivid memories of listening to them.

So now you know... my guily pleasure/burning quest. Help me please. Free backrub (the "nice" kind) to anyone who provides
me with information leading to the acquisition of the audio.

None of my ex's live in Texas, as far as I know...

"I just can't believe I missed him at that distance"

-Alan Olive, businessman

Go read and giggle - I did. The concept of A. being upset about not killing the 17 year old kid who shot first, B. A 17 year old kid dumb enough to hold up a competitive marksman, C. The fact that the court has ordered the bullet to be dug out of the still-living kid's head.

All Hi-larious to me. Only in Texas could this be happening.

So not so terrible start to the new year...

I enjoyed last night - @ Jeff's w/ everyone - food and drink and fun. Today shopping w/ Jules and "Long/Tall" Kate. Curled up at the house working on cleaning and the cross stitch that I am making for one of the new moms. And an hour & a half on the phone w/ the guy who is shaping up to be Bachelor #1 : 2007. Funny that, it is a whole new year of the "Hunt" and I am still curling up in flannel far more than a warm pair fo arms. Interesting that one still has my attention thru the crossover. I'm just feeling a little upbeat about the whole endeavor.

Full of sweet sugary joyness.

Why do they kill everything I love...

Kitchen Sink is going away, and it is a fucking travesty. I am not pleased. I truly loved this magazine and there aren't many that I can say that about.

Let the shunning begin...

Just watch it - seriously.




Oh my god I love Nevin

Last random bachelor of the year...

Or the first of 2007?

Just had a 2 hour conversation with him. And I think I might like him, a little. Just makes me smile that there is still a guy on the planet who can get past the first 5 memorized sentences to have a conversation of depth. Still no one to kisson New Year's eve though. Sad that.

as to the Coop art - just having one of those days - thank goodness for Darvocet.

"Incidentaloma"...

My sister is doing very well. She is not going to be on any chemo (it is a long story, but definitely for the best since the drug of choice has not been proven to actually prevent anything yet, and she has only a 40% chance of any GIST recurrence). They also mentioned that she has a growth on her adrenal gland: an incidentaloma - for real that is what the great and almighty medical community calls it. Once I found out how insignificant that is - I still can't stop laughing. She is going to see an oncologist who specializes in endocrinology. Just to be sure. Other than that she looks like a princess in her wedding dress, breathtaking. And she is eating, and she looks better, and she dropped like 2 sizes. I'm just happy she is in one piece.

10 years ago today...

Carl Sagan shuffled off this mortal coil. The world has been touched and all the better for his life. He is the kind of awe inspiring figure I thought of when I used to consider the ideals and ideas I presented to the children in my charge. I sit here excited to go homehome tomorrow to stare at the stars in the country, all the more thankful for he influences that still linger.

If you really have no idea what I am talking about get off your bum and google him and start reading.

I think I'm w/ her...

Oh yeah, definitely...

New best thing ever...

Dark chocolate covered cinnamon Altoids

I'm in love.

I must find more of them - Jules (the greatest human ever) turned me on to them after dinner (Le Oui Oui Cafe) last night.

If ANYONE finds the ginger version of this amazingly wonderful bits - LET ME KNOW.

She acquired them at Wal-Mart (I can't bring myself to go there) - I must find somewhere else to acquire them for myself.

Joi!!!

meh

Yes, the Christmas shopping is officially finished. The End. For this year anyway.

Nuther pic of Morrigan

How freakin precious

Fer Real...

There is nothing hotter than a man who starts his Personals ad out with "GO BUCKS", "GO BROWNS", or some other unrelated such shiite.

Ewwwwwwwww.

And now this

There are 3 bachelors in the runnings, 1 I met last wknd - quite enjoyable, I certainly liked him (not saying to marry/fuck/spend the rest of my life with, but like maybe nonetheless), Other one I ended up not being able to get together with last wknd - still waiting to reschedule prolly this week/end, and the third is a random over the phone so far which I can't say anything about 2º to the fact that his profile is magickally unavailable to look at - leads to a lot of 1 sidedness - grrrrrrr. Anyway - maybe I'll end up w/ someone to kiss on New Year's - that'd be nice, very nice. Then again - I would really just like to make out with someone I am attracted to. mmmmmm kissing. That sounds really niiice.

Liz is stable, the babies and mommies are grand.

More fey porn should be arriving this week (mmmm Laurell K Hamilton's latest Merry Gentry novel)

My work schedule has altered slightly - now 8am starts across the board.

I am breathing if only for a moment - I can't wait to get home for the holiday.

And then there is the sweet smell and taste of vanilla from cow dung - Oh Hell Yes!!!

Holy shit the ride actually stopped...

Liz's cancer is the better kind - we just got the results today.

There were 2 separate primary tumors. and neither metastasized, and everything else looks clean, and the oncologist says they got it all and she'll prolly be on chemo for the next year (oral) and should be all good.

Jesus Holy Fucking Christ

I am so fucking relieved.

Pulling into the station, the ride still moving

So home to me means safe. Not necessarily healthy, but safe. Liz was discharged today and for the first time since Thanksgiving morning she has no tubes, needles, wires attached to or in her in any way. It just felt so good to hear her at home and bitching about how cold mom keeps the house.

She is not out of the woods - we are still waiting on type and staging of the tumors, but for a second, it doesn't fill me with as much fear.

My 2 blood nieces...

How unspeakably precious are they...

And I'm and Auntie again

Chris called: Brenda had Morrigan Amethyst at about 1amish 12/1/2006.

I am so excited to meet her.

I'm an aunt again

Mandy & Reese

I can't believe she is finally here.

No significant change in Liz's condition.

Just so we are CLEAR

MY BABY SISTER HAS CANCER – MY 24 YEAR OLD BABY SISTER HAS CANCER FUCKING CANCER, FUCKING CANCER, FUCKING CANCER, FUCKING CANCER, FUCKING CANCER, FUCKING CANCER, FUCKING CANCER, FUCKING CANCER, FUCKING CANCER, FUCKING CANCER, FUCKING CANCER, FUCKING CANCER, FUCKING CANCER, FUCKING CANCER, FUCKING CANCER, FUCKING CANCER, FUCKING CANCER, FUCKING CANCER, FUCKING CANCER, FUCKING CANCER, FUCKING CANCER, WHAT THE HELL

around the bend

Mandy is being induced tomorrow @ 6am. YAY

Reese is almost here

Liz is okish. She is holding steady – slowly dealing with it all. I am freaking out and waiting here. She is on the Dilaudid for the pain (yes the stuff that inspired the 3.5 hour heaving in me – she is totally fine w/ it).

Let me be perfectly clear

MY 24 year old BABY SISTER HAS CANCER.

down the hill...

Liz is out of surgery

YAY

Everything looks good (her other organs etc...). They took out 1/2 her stomach. the growths were cancer. We have to wait about a week for the typing and staging of the cancer

Her options:

Stomach cancers can spread, or metastasize, in several different ways. They can grow through the wall of the stomach and eventually grow into nearby organs. They can also spread to the lymph system, including lymph vessels and lymph nodes. Lymph nodes are bean-sized structures located near many body structures to fight infections. The stomach has a very rich network of lymph vessels and nodes. If cancer spreads to the lymph nodes, the outlook for cure also gets worse. When the stomach cancer becomes more advanced, it will travel through the bloodstream and form deposits (called metastases) in organs such as the liver, lungs, and bones.

Approximately 90% to 95% of cancerous (malignant) tumors of the stomach are adenocarcinomas. The term stomach cancer, or gastric cancer, almost always refers to adenocarcinoma-type cancer of the stomach. This cancer develops from the epithelial cells that form the innermost lining of the stomach’s mucosa.

Or these:

Gastrointestinal stromal tumors (GIST): These are rare tumors that appear to develop from cells in the wall of the stomach called interstitial cells of Cajal. Some are non-cancerous (benign); others are cancerous (malignant). Although these cancers can be found anywhere in the gastrointestinal tract, the majority (70%) occur in the stomach. For further information, please see the American Cancer Society document, "Gastrointestinal Stromal Tumors (GIST)."


FUCKING HELL
!!!

Slowly riding up the hill...

OK – latest words – my sister is gonna have the surgery tomorrow at 3pm. They are gonna take out half of her stomach. The surgeon in Columbus was apparently not convinced this is as “safe” a situation as everyone else seems to think. We have a few options: 1. They are little tumors (growths) that have no consequence and can easily be removed - not cancer. 2. They are benign fibroids – we don’t think so, but there you have it. 3. They could be simple cancerous and not metastasized and local to only the stomach then they will be removed and she’ll have preventative chemo by pill for a year. 4. They are the worst case scenario – malignant, metastasized, and already spread thru her lymph. In which case this is just the start of Hell.

I’m freaking a little – they have successfully made me an optimist – only I’m not really, I’m just holding it all in til we get the path reports back and we know sure what we’re dealing with.



Positive thoughts, prayers, energy, love - we won't have lab results til later tomorrow night, and the minimum surgery (w/ no complications/extensive digging) should last over 4 hours.

still on the straight away

No news right now.

Mandy = no distractions, just very tired

Liz = On the way to Columbus - via ambulance. Eric is already there mom is following.

Yep, this is me freaking out every 5 mins. And I'm 3 hours away.

Mom is fretting like crazy (you can hear it in her voice). Liz is terrified. And the voices we all hear in the back of our heads, keep saying, " You know we found dad's stage 3 colon cancer after blood showed up in his stool."

No one has given me actual sizes on the "growths" yet - so I keep picturing something larger than the head of a pin, but smaller than a centimeter - cause they keep saying "small" - it's a body, anything that doesn't beling is too big.

I only cried 3 times at work and puked once. (YAY)

(+) I HAVE A SPACE HEATER NOW!!! - It was on my doorstep when I arrived herehome on Sat night. courtesy of my little mini me.

holy wow. I still want a drink. A lot of drink. Oh, and the pain to stop - did I mention the pills aren't exactly doing their job and it started half way thru last week. So here we go again.

Back on the roller coaster

OK

Update from mom: the mds looked again and consulted eachother about her scope and all the pics they have taken of her innards, and they are "very concerned" about the location of the larger "lesion" (formerly referred to as growth). It is the one that was bleeding and located too close to the pancreas for comfort. For those of you keeping score phrases like "stomach cancer", "pancreatic cancer" and metastasized are coming up with more frequency. Her hemoglobin is about a 9.9, and they have determined that she will not be allowed to go to Columbus by car, she now has to be taken by ambulance. Once there and they do the other scope they should be able to needle biopsy the growths/lesions/whatever they are referring to them as. Oh, and just for fun they noticed that there is a cyst on her right ovary.

Happy fucking holidays - I've already puked 2ce today. In honor of her.

A long long time ago (ok not so long ago) at my dad's last x-mas my baby sister and parents and I went to morning mass together. After mass we hung around and noticed my mom tearing up while talking to some of the other parishioners. Liz and I asked what the hell was going on, and were informed that my dad's cancer was back, and we were waiting on Fr Tony to perform the anointing of the sick on dad. We all cried. In the car on the way back Liz came up with the perfect comment: " You know being in this family is like riding a roller coaster, no matter how many times you puke they won't let you off."

"The tale of my Turkey Day", otherwise known as: "Fuck me, can't we just have one easy holiday?"

Ok,

Wed night I left Cleve for Toledo to rub Brenda's tummy (wishing all my love upon little unborn Amethyst). Left there around Midnight. The fog was thick like pea soup. Solid blocks of white periodically broken up by patches of low hanging grey. I made it home by 130ish and fell asleep on the couch.

Thursday morn I woke up w/ my mom. We were going thru the 1500 pics she took while in New Mexico and the phone rang. For those of u keeping score I have a sister (Mandy) who is about to give birth to a lil girl to be named Reese. My mom scribbled something down then sd, "We'll be right there." then hung up - I sd, "Babytime?" I was told no, Liz fell a few times and is being brought to St Rita's. When we arrived and finally got to see her she gave new meaning to the term corspified. Very very pale - yes, even for us Miller girls. Her hemoglobin was down. She ended up getting 3 units of blood on T-day proper. After they started the first unit she puked. And by puking I don't mean like a little I mean a lot of blood clots (picture clots the size of serving spoons). There was a lot. They put a tube down her nose and into her stomach. They flushed out her stomach w/ water. more clots. So the clots were dark brownish old old blood. implying she wasn't currently bleeding. She fessed up to having had tarry/black stools a couple of times the previous week. For others keeping score my dad's colon cancer was found after he found blood in his stool. So take a deep breathe and put yourself in our shoes for a few mins. We were at the hospital til midnight.

Next morn the tube came out, she was scoped and she has 2 small growths in her stomach. they look like fibroids (we hope they are - that means not cancerous to those keeping score of that part at home). 1 was bleeding. They cauterized it. IF the cauterizing holds then she will be released to Columbus (OSU) for an ultrasound/scope to determine the details of getting them out. If she starts bleeding again they will do emergency surgery and have half her stomach taken out w/ the growths. And no, we won't know til they actually biopsy them whether or not they are cancerous. Cause god knows that we don't have enough of that floating around in the family.


So there you go my own pity song - I am going to have a few drinks and go to bed. After the shower to get the hospital smell off of me.

Another word about the fog

The bloody fog - pea soup does so little justice to describing it. It was a solid wall of white. I souldn't see more than 10 ft in front of my car at any given time. I drove thru it on the way home. Drove mom thru it on the way to the hospital. Drove mom home thru it after the hospital. It was terrifying. couldn't go fast - couldn't go too slow. So Thursday night there was a 15 car pile-up on I-75 tween Bluffton and Findlay. They shut down the northbound lanes. So you grok this better my homehome is 1/2 tween Ottoville and Ft Jennings Ohio. check the area out on google maps or something to get an idea how close that is to home. It is in fact on my primary route out of the area. 30E-75N-80E/90E-90E-home. I'm jsut sayin... it sucked.

Today...

(+) I had a nosebleed, and bled on my laptop case - officially making it mine, all mine on so many more levels than I can describe.

(-) One of my little pts (cancer - 3 yrs out from a mastectomy, has 3 spots now on one of her lungs, and is back in chemo and radiation) my money says if she makes it to x-mas she won't be long for this world past that.

(+) Christopher Eccleston is slated to be arriving on "Heroes" mid-season as a regular.

(-) my old friday job is now trying to intimidate myself and another therapist to stop us from remembering that we have a legal standing/interest and we have not been compensated for services rendered in good faith.

(+) I am clean - the shower was wonderful

(-) I have to go homehome this week and leave Obi here alone

(+) I get to go home this week and see my niece and my brother-in-law and rub my sister's tummy and say "hi" to Reese, my soon to be niece. And I get to see my other sister and her fiance (yay).

(-) I have to spend 6 hrs of PTO to be off on Thursday

(+) I only have to work 3 days this week.

(-) nothing even vaguely interesting on the bachelor hunt front.

(+) It's almost winter, and that is a good thing.

(-) The kittens don't really exist for me to lock Becca in a room w/ them...

Garfield's day...

Why is it I've been making that reference all day and aside from being told "you seem to have a case of the Mondays"... No one seems to get it?

Am I the only one who realizes that the cat was right - Monday the Thirteenth is always worse than Friday the Thirteenth - Unless you are talking about Saturday the Fourteenth - I have 26 stitches in my leg to prove that.


OK, done w/ that.

In other news: My sister might be due sooner than later (original due date 12/7) - we'll know more after the ultrasound tomorrow. My Brenda is due 12/5 - Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! - I'm so excited.

My precious niece turned 6 today.

My Darling dearest mini-me called her grandparents on Saturday. I was floored.

Apparently my baby sister loves me, and if anyone is mean to me she will "FUCK THEM UP!!! - Seriously she will turn their lives into a Law and Order episode" I love her so much it is ridiculous.

I took all the porny goodness off of my Amazon wishlist therefore making it family friendly for the holidays. I only want one of the heaters, and I am not saying that they have to be ordered, but the 2 listed epitomize what i am looking for in a space heater. Especially the programmable Thermostat feature.


& a pic that depicts how my life is going.

Notes from the edges...

OK, I've been crazy - I know this you know this - You (yes the 2 people who read this) have kvetched that I need to update so here goes:

1. I am no longer working or supporting in any way the Center For Integrated Therapies (CFIT). It is a looooong story and I am still pissed and feeling betrayed, so if you want more details call me.

2. $$$$$$$$$$$$ nothing is free and despite the fact that CFIT owes me serious money, the last check I received from them was not only over a month ago, but for tx performed in June. I need money. NOW. I am looking for private clients. Any assistance will be appreciated.

3. I had a dateish w/ a random bachelor last weekend. I googled him and found out he has a thing for frequenting hookers while pretending to be in committed relationships. Needless to say he is no longer eligible to date me.

4. Sleep is free, so I have been doing a lot of it.

5. I'm not sure what is next.

6. The latest ultrasound show the endometriosis is responding to tx. Therefore I get to stay on the pill. & my doc bothered to mention that it is so widespread that my only other option is a hysterectomy. Oh my.

That's all right now - so there you have it. Keep thinking happy thoughts for me - I appreciate it, and I am totally accepting $$$$ donations. Oh & a pic for fun, cause that's how I feel.

Evil winter, Oh how I hate thee...

OK it is cold - I am searching desperately for a space heater or 2. My goal is to heat my lil space w/o getting raped too badly on the gas bill, and not give up all my heat to the outside world or to my evil upstairs neighbor. I'm just saying if you have any safe - notgonnaburnmyhousedown space heaters in storage right now that you aren't using - let me know.

I got paid by some private clients this weekend. I am not quite as $$$-terrified as I was last week.

I just got the official word from my Friday job that I might get the money they owe me sometime in the next 60 days or 6 months. Maybe.


The new business cards are ordered. Template above. I blurred out my number cause if you really want it you should already have it, or leave me a note and we can go from there.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Glimmers of hope...

My Friday office called today to let me know that I will not be receiving a check this week.

I'm not fired, hell I have patients this week, They just aren't gonna pay me anything this pay period.

My friends love me.

The brightest spot is tonight's Nip/Tuck. As they begin the surgery to cut the human ear off of the mouse that grew it and transplant it, they played "Starry Starry Night". I am sooo happy. I don't have words. I love that song. It just made me smile.

home again, again

OK, my precious finished all of her college apps. YAY!!! I am so happy. I am currently bouncing around the house trying to winterize and make plans for the next few weeks' menu all at the same time. And yet I still think the world should bow before me. Hmmmmmm let's see how it plays out. My office is bloody insane right now - and the attitudes (wow) fucking insane.

I'm not fretting...

But then I am not sleeping either. I choked down some calms forte earlier (3 hours ago). I slept for about and hour and a half. I awoke, and now I am just "up". I am watching Mythbusters and Mobsters. I am waiting for The Shield and Dexter to tape so i can watch them. I watched the end of the Flavor of Love 2 run (it was just as surreal as the first one). I just can't seem to sleep again. I am not freaking out about anything. I am not nerves girl right now. I am just lying here and not sleeping. I am in a cold apt (60º ish). I am lying on a comfy mattress, covered w/ a subzero rated sleeping bag open underneath. I have an old down comforter in a casing, an old cotton/flannelly comforter, and topped with a newer down comforter (still poofy) all lying on top of me. I am cuddled down at either end of my bed (I routinely flipflop) the cat is cuddled next to me alternately beneath and above the covers, alternately purrring and sleeping. And yet I am awake. I had a lil caffiene about 12 hrs ago. BUT I AM STILL AWAKE!!! I tried meditating...dropping down a bit and clearing my brain. Felt great. But not asleep. I just thought I'd share. It is now officially too late for me to take anything pharmaceutical. I have to be at work too early tomorrow morning (less than 8 hrs from now). If you have any thoughts - let me know. I just wanna sleep.

On Only Revolutions...

I'm afraid, worried, it is like the first day of the job you've been waiting for, the wedding day. You know it will make things different. I get it, well i have an idea floating on the surface, and it is freaking me out. I want it, maybe too much. I'm worried that if it is everything I think it is, this will take a while, and at least 4 reads to do it all the justice I desire. Like going to Paris, you've always wanted to go, but there is soooo much, too much almost, and yet so satisfying when you are there, as you leave. I am journeying back in soon, all there and back again. with a pack on my back, and the tales of a dragon sleeping on twice stolen gold reverberating in my head. Maybe I'm just worried this Zahir of mine will leave me wandering the library counting hexagon rooms reading over and over again this book of structured simplicity and trying to use it to find how many rooms there are based on those numbers. You know the last time I walked into the Library of Babel the last figure I came up with had 75 digits and 125 0s following them. That was quite a lot, and I still have the reams of graph paper. I bought a new pack today, and looked up the number for the maths dept. My mouth waters as the equations spin on the edge of my vision. I don't think people will like me much aftr this. And I'm not sure I care anymore. My bed is still warmed more often by down and cat fur than warm bodies. And maybe the bed is too small to hold much else right now.

how I know Warren Ellis loves me and cares

"Be nice to me today or that evil sex clown from your dreams
who you thought no-one knew about will appear in your house
and shank you."


It just makes me feel warm and tingly and matches me this moment

So I'm counting moons again...

Last night I sat in the front row. I watched Mark read (perform the readings really) from the new book. I listened to his voice, I've loved it since the first time I put in "Don't be Scared" when I still lived at my cousin's place over 6 years ago and the first few seconds played. I remember putting it on the big stereo downstairs cause I was running about the house cleaning. His voice dropped me, stopped me, floored me to the spot, half way up the stairs, rag in hand, breathless, feckless, caught up within, caught up without, flowing somewhere else on the whisper. "I still get nightmares, in fact I get them so often I should be used to them by now...". Just those words that moment, in my life, in my world, the seconds paused extra in between just for me. I couldn't move, even if I wanted to, which I'm nt entirely sure I did, that is to say want. Want was too base a word, it was more like crave. That first scent of rum to the alcoholic 10 years on the wagon. Only I was just 5 years on the wagon as it were. I was 5 years alone. 5 years with every first waking thought trying to suss out where my Adam was and why I didn't feel him next to me. 5 years of remembering, feeling him die in my arms again everytime my freshly stunned conscious mind tried to remind me that, "yes Jessica there really is no Santa Claus, and you'll never feel him breathe again". His voice was my Adam, my Johnny, my truest love, my oldest friend, and I knew it like I knew Adams breathing at 4am over the phone sound asleep on those loong nights I couldn't sleep for being so far from him and just needing to hear it, to close my eyes clutching the phone close and feeling the tension drop, my heart, then racing to slow and resume it's languid glide towards my ribcage at his proximity.

I've met Mark before - 6 years ago. I was working all day the day the tour took him to my store. He was a brilliant sweet man, with a lovely smile, and eyes that I already found myself looking in too many moments. I met him that morning as a person off the bus, not knowing who he was, that he was "that guy". By the time I found out it was too late. He was already transformed from the creature who somehow created that piece, those words which had altered me on some base level to that bright guy who didn't flinch when I, not paying too much attention, had blurted out "Qu'est que tu veux?" for the non-francophones basically the equivalent of asking in my best ghetto slang "Whatchoo want?". He caught my eye again and just said large mocha with a smile we shared and I hid it like contraband.

I don't know how Only Revolutions is going to be for me, nor I for it, when I finally get thru it. But last night I was counting full moons again - we adopted that phrase after the Brandon Lee interview circa The Crow - when he was on about how we don't know how many full moons we have left, but that there is indeed a finite number. I realized I had travelled the distances, paid the tolls, financially, physically. And yet somehow all I could think was "this can't be the last time" I have no idea what the future holds, how many more sunsets, how many more kisses, how many more bodies, how many more moments flying down the interstate at over 90 mph, screaming Iggy Pop at the top of my lungs, cars and trucks parting like butter before a hot knife, completely safe confident, competent, and secure in my own skin and surroundings.

Friends and strangers alike, much like a childe just returned from an alien vessel, something has altered, exactly what i do not yet know. But this is going to be interesting. I've had 4 hours of sleep (really lying here and shaking for more, sleeping for less) and these are the thoughts tumbling and bumbling out of my brain. Now wretched up onto the page because the walls here are sick of listening to them. And for some reason today I do not want to be here in my box allone.

I'm home

I've driven 16 of the last 36 hours, slept about 3 hrs total in a freezing car, I saw Mark Z Danielewski (pics are coming soonish), He was unbelievably wonderful and gracious and signed my books, I fell in love with him all over again (yes that is me screeing the word "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!" - that you might have heard in the distance for the past 9 hours, I will write more later once things process...possible subject matter: "My perfect girl who is breaking my heart by not filling out her application to University of Findlay", "Sometimes when I say 'I'll kill you...', I mean I am scared and you should comfort me but I am too exhausted to explain that or come up with a creative new fun way to threaten you", and "MZD and everyday another reason why I can't settle for the simple-minded mealy-mouthed motherfuckers who hit on me all the time"

Oh my the crazy.

But we met awesome people, and Junior doesn't totally hate me (yet - he prolly isn't thinking clear enough to hate me - wait til tomorrow and the "Jessica must die" site will be in fine working order I'm sure)

Oh how I bounce...

I'm out. I leave for Madison, WI in about a half hour - cause Junior just had to commit to running tech for a production in Ashland. I have a laundry list of displeasure at the thought of how much stress all this has caused, and how unhappy I am about driving 17 of the next 36 hours. Just think happy thoughts and all will be well. After all I get to see Mark Z Danielewski... this brings me joi. I'll prolly write up something while there...but sadly the Borders we are gonna be hanging at has WiFi access for T-Mobile subscribers only - FUCK BORDERS yet again. Kinda makes me wanna kick them in the nads.

Ok, show me a woman who doesn't want to be in the middle

Seriously. Damned, they are just hot together, apart, in stylized photograph, however. Scarlett Johansson and Dita Von Teese mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

OK so things are coming together...

I am going to tell you the story of my last day at my ofc. The ofc I have been at for the last like 2.5 yrs. I cleaned, and collected all my stuff (ice cube tray, cereal, a pitcher, glasses and my mug). 3 of my pts were scheduled to have today as their last day. There were almost tearful goodbyes. 4 pts threatened to follow me to the other center - just to stay in my care. And 1 very special kid (16 yr old ACL repair - we've had him as a pt since his pre-op therapy) - he brought me a cake, an ice cream cake. And he didn't have any alternative motive - we thought he was just saying the night before that he was gonna bring one in as a way to talk his mom into buying one for him to eat by himself (he is a 16 yr old boi afterall). I can't wait to no longer be behind a desk all day. I love the idea that no one will be calling to yell at me on a daily basis like they have been lately. I also found out that the primary culprit for such berating behavior has been "talked to" by her superiors... so I'd hate to say "we'll see...", but it is no longer a concern for me. All I have to do is go to work and treat pts, write up notes and go home. From now on I will be getting out at 7pm in Brookpark - 5 mins further down the road than my now-old ofc.

I'm getting a handle on things, but slowly. I feel more like her today...but Mr Carrion is still close at hand.

1 bright spot

Season premier of Veronica Mars: 1 act of groin violence in the first 20 mins.

YAY

I realllly really mean it this time...

Why is everything insane?

Is the moon aligning with some far off star in the fifth house of the seventh setting sun?

Are the leaves falling up?

Has the drifting finally felled my shaking house of leaves?

Why does my inside feel like Christopher Carrion (pictured left)

What the fuck?

My Corporate job is giving me 1/2 of what I want - And I am soo happy

My non-profit gig is maybe about to go under for real owing me thousands of dollars.

All of this has happened in the last 24 hours
Oh and by the way thanks to some fantastical SNAFU w/ the bank - My rent is gonna be late and I might end up having to see the ghetto loansharks to help me out til the end of next week since the bank is so freakin f'd up.


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

If you have any thoughts, advice, feelings, monetary donations - feel free to contact me asap. in the meantime I will be sorting what is left of my cds and books getting ready to sell all the non-essentials off this weekend in the hopes of having enough to cover rent - shhhhhh - don't tell the utilities that they might have to wait.



And if you know anyone who could afford 1 massage a month - I'm looking to book at least 10 a month - mostly available evenings Mon-Thurs, and anytime Fri-Sun. If I can get that set up with 10 rotating clients on a monthly - It would help.

ok anything would help right now