Amen.

I'm not reprinting it w/ all the links: go here

However it concisely sums up my opinions on the healthcare reform. WTF people.

1. Add a robust public option open to all Americans.
2. Remove the rollback of a woman’s right to choose.
3. Repeal the anti-trust exemption for private insurance companies.
4. Add early Medicare buy-in.
5. Add a real employer mandate.
6. Fix the excise tax that would reduce the quality of many Americans’ insurance. This can be done by properly indexing it so that it forever remains only a tax on “Cadillac” plans.
7. Move up the start date of reform to as soon as possible. Three years is too long!
8. Increase the affordability tax credits to individuals.
9. Expand Medicaid to 150% of FPL.
10. Reduce the maximum annual out-of-pocket limit to 5% of income.
11. Move up state waiver for innovation to 2014 and add ERISA waiver. The state waiver for innovation is a good idea, but having it start in 2017 creates a bureaucratic nightmare of putting in place one reform only to replace it a few years later. We need to fix our system now, not have states start working toward a real solution a decade from now.
12. Give states that set up “basic health programs” 100% of the money, and allow them to use the program for people above 200% of FPL.
13. Allow for drug re-importation so Americans can get cheaper drugs from Canada or Europe.
14. Give Medicare the power to directly negotiate for lower drug prices.
15. Give the government the power to negotiate for lower drug prices on behalf of all Americans (like every other industrialized country does to bring down pharmaceutical prices).
16. Create a national exchange with a strong regulation enforcer instead of state-based exchanges with weak local insurance commissioners.
17. Force all non-HMO insurance plans on the exchange (or at least on the new OPM exchange) to work with the exchange commissioners to collectively negotiate a single provider reimbursement rate for all insurance plans (as it is in Switzerland, Belgium, and The Netherlands.)
18. Add truly strong risk adjustment mechanisms to force competition based on quality instead of trying to dump sick customers (as is done in The Netherlands).
19. Increase the actuarial value of the minimum qualified plans offered on the exchange and base subsidies on the gold level (80% actuarial value) instead of silver level plan (70% actuarial value).
20. Force all insurance companies on the exchange to offer at least one precisely designed high quality insurance plan. This will allow true apple-to-apple comparisons, and make it harder for insurance companies to game the system.
21. Greatly reduce the amount of plan design leeway given to insurance companies to reduce their ability to game the system.
22. Make it illegal to sell basic health insurance for profit, like in almost every first-world country on Earth.
23. At the least, allow only non-profit insurance plans to take part in the new exchanges (or OPM exchange).
24. Reduce the community rating based on age to at most a 1:2 ratio with age rating bands. (one price for all 18-30 year olds, one price for 30-45 year olds, and one price for all 45-64 year olds).
25. Make minimum medical loss ratio 92%. (Try to do this in way to get around the CBO.)
26. At the very least, remove the MLR loophole for the individual market.
27. Allow state and local governments to apply for grants from the CO-OP program.
28. Allow the co-ops to sell insurance to anyone, not just the small group and individual markets.
29. Allow undocumented immigrants to buy health insurance with their own money on the new exchange.
30. Make all legal immigrants eligible for all public health care programs right away, instead of creating a five year wait.
31. Eliminate direct-to-consumer advertising for prescription medication.
32. Provide enough money to give every American access to a community health care center.
33. Follow the FTC recommendations and create a real pathway for biosimilars to create generic forms of the most expensive medications in this country.
34. Create a Government-run HMO option modeled on the VA system.
35. Scrap the whole bill and replace it with a single payer “Medicare-for-all” system.

And more:

1. Extend everyone’s COBRA coverage until the reform kicks in (like in the House bill).
2. Better define the term “medical loss ratio” in the bill to prevent insurers from gaming the regulation.
3. Give the IRS power and duty to enforce insurance companies’ MLR regulation.
4. Remove the six-month wait for the temporary high-risk pools for people with pre-existing conditions. If you can’t get affordable health insurance, it is immoral that the bill makes you go uninsured for six months before you get care.
5. Set up the exchange and all corresponding regulations for small business as soon as possible (a few months). They delayed the exchange because the regulations in the individual market require the expensive affordability tax credits. The small business market will not get expensive affordability tax credits, so there is no reason not to start the exchange just for the small group market as soon as possible.
6. Let insurers in the new exchange use a reimbursement rate based on Medicare plus some percent. (This idea from Jacob Hacker would have similar cost controlling effects as my previous suggestion of having the exchange commissioner force all insurers using PPO’s to negotiate one standard provider reimbursement rate.)
7. Use the OPM exchange to replicate something similar to the Swiss or German system. (Only allow only new CO-OP plans to take part. Mandate a 93% MLR, precisely define benefit packages, and have them collectively pool their negotiating power with providers and manufacturers. Make all co-ops on the OPM exchange share provider networks, reimbursement rates, and forms for PPOs plans or out-of-network charges. Create a robust internal risk adjuster and give all plans in the OPM exchange the power to reimburse at Medicare rates plus 10% for the first several years while the co-ops and OPM exchange gets off the ground.
8. Allow people below 190% of FPL, but who are not poor enough to qualify for Medicaid, to buy in to the program.
9. At least allow people who were on Medicaid but have incomes that increase just slightly above the Medicaid qualification cut off to “buy in” to Medicaid so that they can keep a seamless coverage despite minor fluctuations in income.
10. Fully Federalize the whole Medicaid program.
11. Provide serious special benefits to insurance plans that score very high on precisely defined sets of metrics (MLR, cost effectiveness, consumer reviews, survival rates, speed of claim reimbursement, easy of appeal process, customer retention, etc.)
12. Encourage states and local governments to find a way to merge their state employer insurance exchanges with the new exchange as long as it can be done in a way that does not reduce the quality or increase the cost of coverage for state employees.
13. Encourage community health care centers to work together to create new fully integrated, cost-effective health care plans to cover individuals in Medicaid, the new “basic health program,” or on the new exchange. (like the Community Health Network of Connecticut)
14. Have all insurance plans that provide coverage for young children have zero cost sharing for the health care of the child.
15. At least make all health insurance plans covering children have extremely low co-pays, deductibles, and out-of-pocket limits for the coverage of the child.
16. Have all young children in the country without insurance coverage, regardless of legal status, automatically enrolled in some form low out-of-pocket public health care program. (No child on US soil or anywhere else on Earth should ever die due to lack of access basic affordable health care.)

Not infinitely

I am patient, but not infinitely so. I am caring, but not without my limits. One of the biggest criticisms I get is that I love too much too deeply & accept far too much from those I love. I accept this too. The truth of the matter is that the line between in my love & out of it are so far back that most friends never get close to it. There are so few things that actually cross those lines. Acts of sexual predation, some murders, abuses, violence against children, extreme things like that. And of course: Lies. Lying to me, lying about me, lying in general that I find out about. That lil devil in all of those details: That I find out about. I find out. I always have, I most likely always will. It is strange when the actions of others force me to eliminate them from my life or from my heart. It is strange watching others I care about pretend to go along w/ people I see as untrustworthy. These are my musings this early early morning. I slept last night, have hot strong tea in my mug & a smile on my face.

Regret

I generally don't regret. I weigh my decisions & interactions, my choices in general very carefully. Not stops me in my tracks paralyzed w/ fear trying to pick a path sort of way, but you've met me, simple fast blink decisions. I screwed up. I was a poor judge of character. I let emotions get involved with the facts presented to me & I chose to believe in someone who should not be believed. It has come to my attention recently that a trusted friend should never have been that at all. In fact I feel awful. Not because I made that mistake. People (including myself) make mistakes, they screw up & that is acceptable. Once a mistake has been made, once it has been realized to be just that; everything then looks to how one handles themselves. Do they come clean & own up to their mistake & attempt to rectify things with the wronged parties? Do they begin damage control in the fear that others have noticed their mistake & attempt to control perceptions about themselves? Do they attempt a character assassination upon the person who pointed out their mistake in the hopes to discredit this individual?

I've chosen to come clean. Since last spring I have believed someone who has been lying to me. Most of the lies have been about other people. I did not step up on behalf of these others because I did not know them well enough to know I was being told lies. Instead I allowed these lies to influence how I approached & thought of these people. There were truths in the lies. But I realize now that I participated, however unwittingly, in the character assassination of others. I deeply regret that.

It happens when you enter a new group of friends that people talk, they give you insights, they share with you the details of the relationships you are witnessing. This is an important function of the social dynamic. I have found that I have given ear to someone, who is not so bright that they see all the ramifications of their lies (I'm saying this person is NOT a mini-Machiavelli), however they are bright enough to think they can control perceptions of themselves & others. Upon finding out the sheer magnitude of the lies I was told I am in utter shock. It was uncomfortable for me to be told things that people did not want the person they spoke of to know. I accepted it as a part of how this person chose to live, shrouded by secrets, they painted themselves as a public figure that people gossiped about. I've found it has less to do with that, so much more to do with attempts to control perceptions.

Think of this less as complaint or reveal and more as a confession. I've been lied to & lied about. BUT I perpetuated the lies by not stopping them. I feel awful about that. I regret that. I'm sorry that I put my name up in defense of this person instead of the people that were being vilified. Out of the darkness and into the light. Sunlight is the best disinfectant. And all that rot, rather all that growth.

A Love Letter to my friends

Dearest friends,

I love you for accepting me the way that I am. For allowing me to change & grow but not labeling me or putting me into a static box. You respect me & the hard choices I make. You treat me with respect, answer when I call, come when I need, aren't afraid to expect the same from me.

I love you. I love the ways you trust me. The truths you tell me. For calling me on my bullshit & reminding me when I'm staring at the line just how far I am from it. For loving me when I call you on your bullshit. For helping me to be honest to myself.

I love you for believing in me & supporting me in every imaginable way. Regardless of the situation, you help me process, to see all sides. You listen to me & tell me what you think & give me the freedom to make my own mistakes while still supporting me as myself.

The support you've given in the last few months has been immeasurable. You've kept me sane, kept me here, kept me in one solid piece. Without you...(insert ridiculously sappy Rent lyrics here)

For singing songs beside the graves, for touch, for understanding, for compassion, for talks til 0400 that never seem to end and yet have just begun, for laughter, for tears, for warming me better than a hot tub, for cooling better than the cold side of the pillow.

Thank you.

I've been writing that for weeks now - I feel it is as ready as it can be - of course - there is sooo much more.

Sweet lord...

Scares me oodles. Seriously everyday the world gets a lil more scifiscarelicious - though i've stopped chanting 1918 for a while.

Peace in the Valley...

This is how I feel tonight - thank you Alabama 3 - if you can tell me the underlying message of this song - there is a prize in it for you.

"For whatever reason you refuse to feel this space we're in,
To know its insanity, really know it,
Whatever your particular anaesthetic is, that you hold onto so desperately,
The thing I mean that makes you think you know who you are,
Whatever that thing is that you allow to keep you sane,
Your ace in your hole,
The psyche that keeps you from trying to guess what your pimp has in store for you,
Whatever keeps you from screaming out at this very moment in absolute and sheer horror,
Whatever you fuck your brain with, whatever that is,
Whatever that is,
It's a lie,
It's a lie."

She spends too much time with herself every night
Just fooling around with her fears.
In the morning she mourns the decline of her mind
Drowning in a bottle of beer.
It's too dangerous just to think about what she might have been
If she'd sung for salvation, if she'd danced on her dreams.

But there's gonna be peace in the valley tomorrow
'Cos tonight she's gonna blow it all away
Lord, she feels so twisted, She ain't ever gonna fix it,
She's just waiting for the light to shine on a brand new day.

An' he don't know if he's a communist, a hedonist or a whore
Spent too much time ridin' on a white line to find the door
An' if he did and he opened it, he'd find those letters in the hall
But he's too blind to read between the lines
'Cos the writing's on the wall.

There's gonna be peace in the valley tomorrow
'Cos tonight he's gonna blow it all away
Lord, he feels so twisted, he ain't ever gonna fix it,
He's just waiting for the light to shine on a brand new day.

(Let that light shine awhile,
Grand old oprie lights are on, Hank Williams on the juke box, we all comin' home tonight.
I'll tell you dear...)

I got Ecstasy, but I need some company
You got that mystery; Lord I need a plan
All I got is a compromise and a bag full of alibis
Lord, as empty as the bottle of whiskey in my shaking hands.

There's gonna be peace in the valley tomorrow
'Cos tonight we're gonna blow it all away
Lord we feel so twisted, we ain't ever gonna fix it,
We're just waiting for the light to shine on a brand new day.

(One more time for the people)

There's gonna be peace in the valley tomorrow
'Cos tonight, we're gonna blow it all away
You know we feel so fuckin' twisted, we ain't ever gonna fix it,
We're just waiting for the light to shine on a brand new day.

(Now's the time for you to get right and repent)

Oh yeah.

So much & yet so little

DiFranco was sick - he is getting better. Had to have 8 teeth removed. We are waiting on results from thyroid tests. He has one more day of pain meds left - I've been daily updating on the FB. Pic is over a year old - he's lost about 1/2 the weight-but structurally still a big kitty. He's on a prescription diet to regain some of the weight & shows signs of a returning appetite.

My sleep schedule is completely out of whack. Fretting over too much out of my control. Trying to control what little i think I can. I can't find my chai - it is kinda making me crazy. That & the grow light for Dagon & the bamboo - so far they are ok - but I can't seem to find it.

Oh here I am

Up in the middle of the night - waiting for sleep that seems to have lost my number.
On the upside I have a job interview for an LMT position next Tues morning - however it will be indie contracted & not solid. & C has hooked me up w/ possible seasonal work on the eastside. & I'm still meeting w/ the owner of the Salon around the corner for wknd indie contracted relaxation work there. I need $$$.

Obi is doing well, fat & purrlicious as usual. DiFranco has lost a lot of weight, kinda lookin a lil skin & bones. I can't get him to eat the NutriCal - I'm worried a bit, but he is acting like normal- just looks all crazed because of the BioSpot oiliness on his neck yet.

In trying to patch my wall tonight - my housemate caused some sparks from the electric. It is out, we are fine - it is just a much bigger job to sort out than we thought. And yes - it kinda freaks me out.

I'm chillin in bed - hoping for rest soon, I swear my sleep schedule is completely screwy again - I'm up & then I'm down then i'm up again & the phone is jammed in next to my pillow so I won't miss a call as I doze during the day. This is still my best time of night. No caffeine, NONE. Which makes it stranger. oi.

Happy Devil's Night

On this night I remember the details of Brandon Lee's death, where I was, how I found out. The circumstances surrounding my first viewing of the film. It is New Year's Eve on soooo many levels. I love it. I had it on tonight as I was sewing the costume for one of my housemates - she is going to be an eel - my meager sewing skills brought forth a barely fitting strapped frock - which is kinda cool considering it was a satiny material & I couldn't find my good shears to cut it with & have no pins to pin & couldn't find my tape to measure. I had the opportunity to do the zombie makeup for a friend of mine - it was cool all Thompsonesque - I did a temple wound - I love doing that.

On the flip I slid into The Crow the deeper issues, the things that cannot be forgiven & all the bits & pieces that O'Barr's work struck in me. They still strike. I'm like a giant bell & he strikes just right to leave me ringing for days. My thoughts feel thready, I'm to bed.

O freakin K

Best moment of the night - I just got to my room AND I just turned on the recording of Castle from tonight. And our blessed Nathan Fillion is putting on... ... ... Oh hells yes!!! a "space cowboy" costume. Yeppers, it is our beloved Capt'n Tightpants in everything but the browncoat - the coat had a hint of red to it but that can be forgiven. Oh how I love that man. AND I love Firefly. AND I love Halloween. AND fantastic Frank Miller comic book details. AND using a Dremel to carve a pumpkin in the shape of Max Shreck. AND acting like a proper father to his tv daughter. JOI - tonight's episode has made watching Castle totally worth every moment. Seriously it only gets better - I am not erasing this til it airs again & then only to rerecord it.

Tonight the other best moments included possibly ending drama & strife in my life involving someone I love. Oh how this could end some of the relationship mindfuckery if everyone is agreeable. The email has been sent - we'll see how this plays out & I might just have to scream it feels so good to make things be less stressful.

Tonight there was also resolution to another issue that has been weighing on my mind & heart. Maybe I should rename this post "An Ode to the Jois of Open Communication" I feel like air for a moment. I know this is a moment. & this moment will pass. There are so many other things weighin me down right now. i feel like tattooing sensation into the somatic memory of people so they understand what I mean by Open communication & what i mean by immediately sharing information & ideas & feelings. I firmly attribute these things to be the cause of Obi coming up & headbutting me before curling up purring in my arms tween the keyboard & I. Truly I am euphoric about finally having some semblance of control over something - myself.

No headache or any other pain. Hot damned.

Am ok for now

Pain has passed & I am regaining my usual energy & verve. I am fully throwing myself into this new game called "Life" - though I do like that my car isn't full of lil plastic knobs. Only my bed (haha) - seriously I'm continuing the jobhunt & lawyerhunt though I've been able to get my hands on some interesting paperwork & find out a few interesting things about the people who have caused the last 2 months to be so horrific.

I am currently snuggled in at the House - not the Haus - there can only ever be one Haus & that is in Toledo. Ahhh even as I write this I realize that I could just write FTS - I'm snuggled in @ the FTS Compound errr... maybe commune. Watching bad movies... Red Sonja currently - making me smile & feel less terrible about not being able to do more.

Snuggles & cuddles from this touch starved grrl.

Updates:

Trying to catch up on some of the events.

Decompression - good & good for me. All except for the sleeping outside in a tent in that weather - A wonderful "more than a friend" {oh, the jois of avoiding definitions til further notice - I'm not complaining, I am joi} joined me so it wasn't as cold as it could have been.

Zombieland - was a brilliant movie, truly I recommend it w/ no precautions. It was seen w/ crazy urban family & i hearted it.

My patient's funeral - was really good & appropriate. It was good to have my feet on sacred ground. I thinks that I need to spend some time in Carey, OH @ the shrine or at least an old stone Catholic church soon. I crave the energy. I need to feel the cold seeping into my bones.

Georges - was here from Glasgow & I loved having him. I enjoyed his visit as well as his physical presence - I'm just perpetually touch starved these days. Sad sending him home.

Sarah & Franco - reconnecting face to face after years - it was soooo good to lay eyes & hands on them.

Metallica - freakin 3rd row seats - It was AMAZING. Like just picture me channelling the end of the "Snakes & Barrells" episode of Metalocalypse. I love their music so much & the vibe @ their show was fantastic.

That brings us to today.

I have my plan of attack for the week mapped out & I am heading into it full force. I'm shaking but shouting. Screaming a lot of "Psycho Killer" lately. Qu'est-ce que c'est?

Update

My patient has passed, yes, that one, I'm dealing with it now. Thank you for anything you sent - prayers, energy, light, love. It was a good death surrounded by loved ones. She was younger than my father. I can't put into words right now how precious she is in my heart. She showed me a light I had forgotten in the last 7 months working with her. I have greatly & deeply benefitted from having her in my life. I am grateful.

I wonder if she'll find the answer to the Crash Test Dummies question for God, a query that caused him to shuffle his feet, when she got to heaven. - the tenses are on purpose, I believe there is no time wherever she is now.

I was hoping that this would wait...

until later in the presidency - you know until it was actually warranted- until he had actually caused peace somewhere in the world.

BUT - I can't resist this:

In other news...

Georges gets here from Glasgow in less than a week!!! - I'm so excited that I can hardly contain myself. Short of the Metallica show there are no plans - AND yet still I am too excited to see & cuddle his skinny butt.

Prayers, energy, light...

My cancer patient is dying - you've been around me for the last 6+ months, you know who I am talking about. She is a dear sweet soul & is currently surrounded by family & friends. All I'm saying is that she is not too much longer of this Earth. All prayers, love, light, & energy that the transition is smooth & swift.

On the side I've got to admit that I appreciate being involved so closely with death & dying & terminally ill patients because it keeps me honest. Who has time for petty liars & their bullshit drama when you are holding hands with death? Perhaps this is me being way too extreme, but as with all passings I am reviewing my life & I realize again that I am happy with my choices.

Cleaning, organizing, joi

Tonight I made dinner for my new household - spaghetti & meatballs - they had been simmering most of the day. Good reviews all around. I am currently cleaning & reorganizing my space it is about 50 in here & I am eyeing my pile of "to be blankets" clothes & my sewing machine - but the piles of stuff in between are daunting - I hope to have it presentable for saturday night.

Speaking of which we are having a party here at FTS Compound for Justin's birthday - if you haven't met Justin he is fantastic. You can see my new digs & visit the cats if you make it out. Well you can meet the other 4cats & come up to my room to see mine.

Adjusting - kinda.

Recycled Rainbow has ended

& to continue this line of thought I had lyrics in my head every quiet moment I found myself in. It was the rain & missing Adam. I found him in my forebrain a lot this weekend - nothing to do w/ the temple, just other things & camp & rain & too many moments spent singing to eachother in the quiet thru the pain. Too many nights holding him thru shudders & sweats & nausea & fatigue. I tried to stay busy or preoccupied. It worked kind of, lots of silent tearing thru the weekend. The thought of rain started the lyrics rolling thru my head beforehand.

"EPONINE

Don't you fret, M'sieur Marius
I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now
You're here, that's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
And rain will make the flowers grow.

MARIUS
But you will live, 'Ponine - dear God above,
If I could heal your wounds with words of love.

EPONINE
Just hold me now, and let it be.
Shelter me, comfort me

MARIUS
You would live a hundred years
If I could show you how
I won't desert you now...

EPONINE
The rain can't hurt me now
This rain will wash away what's past
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
I'll sleep in your embrace at last.

The rain that brings you here
Is Heaven-blessed!
The skies begin to clear
And I'm at rest
A breath away from where you are
I've come home from so far
So don't you fret, M'sieur Marius

I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now

That's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close

MARIUS(in counterpoint)
Hush-a-bye, dear Eponine,
You won't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt you now
I'm here

I will stay with you
Till you are sleeping

EPONINE
And rain...

MARIUS
And rain...

EPONINE
Will make the flowers...

MARIUS
Will make the flowers... grow... "

Maybe someday I'll sing it & he'll live instead.

Saturday night

Temple burn

This were the words ringing in my head.

"If you were here
I know that you would
Truly be amazed
At what's become of what you made
If you were here
You would know how I treasured every day
How every single word you spoke
Echo's in me like a memory of hope

When you were here
You could not feel the value that I placed
On every look that crossed your face
When you were here
I did not know just how I had embraced
All that you hid behind your face
Could not hide from me
'Cause it hid in me too

Father:
Hello tiger, it's great fun, talking with you. like this--in fact I'm going to do it more often

Now that I'm here I hear you and wonder if maybe you can hear yourself
Ringing in me now that your somewhere else.

Father:
I miss you a lot

'Cause I hear your strange music gentle and true

Father:
But I'm so proud of everything you do there

Singing inside me with the best parts of you

Father:
Next time I see you you'll proudly sing it back to me

Now that I'm here

I hope somewhere you hear them too

Now that I'm here

I love you...

Daughter:
It's okay you can go now"

Mixed emotional bag of mess

"How many do you need?"

"I was told you are a collector"

You know me - nothing quite like being accused of being a whore. Nothing quite like being openly judged & spoken of behind my back before uttering a word near my face. ME?!?!? The woman who kills herself to trust anyone.

I ended the burn talking to the one person in my current social circle who I would vote off of the island if I could. Confronting me finally as she projected her own insecurities & behaviors on to me. I'm pacing the cage til I get to address everything with the appropriate parties. I hate liars.

I feel like a giant bruise

I am covered in bruises from the cleaning/packing/moving this past week. I am sore like my entire body is a strained muscle - note strained, not sore muscle, but actual strained muscles. I feel like I did too much & the anemia & cramping & fatigue are all catching at my heels. Like a mamba that just keeps striking even as I run away. Still emotionally overwhelmed but feeling good about the new living situation. I just need to get the rest of my life in order. Help.

0309 & still up

Nerves?

Freakouts?

Stress?

Yes please - all of the above - I'm trying to calm to some semblance of rest but the brain won't shut up - I'm too freaked out about the move, I have so much to do tomorrow. I have a few hours til my upstairs neighbor leaves for work - than I can pump up the music & begin moving things to the front porch for staging. I just want to get it all out of here now.

My stomach is spitting acid on my esophagus - So lying down is hurty. At this point I want like 2-3 hrs sleep going into this madness.

@ 1400 today the first van gets here.

Eeeep.

ummmm

Patrick Swayze is dead. For reals. The pancreatic cancer won. He was 57, 3 years older than my dad. He'd fought cancer bravely. The Beast was an amazing body of work. He could dance & move, so beautifully but his acting, damned. He is my favorite guilty pleasure in Roadhouse. I still smile when I see the hot pink letters come on the screen. Just sad, really really sad. I hope his family knows how much joi he brought the rest of us & take comfort in it. wow.

Post 666 - Huzzah!!!

Seriously I wanted to write something amazing but I'm emotionally overwhelmed & physically exhausted from the packing. I am watching Run FatBoy Run & I gotta say for a "fatboy" Simon Pegg has great legs. AND I LOVE that he is wearing old skool headphones (the fully covering the ears) while he is doing his training runs - I love that boi.

Big move night on Tuesday - I am anticipating 2 vans available to help. I need more bodies then & the rest of the week. Please let me know asap if you can help out. I just need help with all of this.

Dunekitty makes me smile. - I've been repeating the fear mantra from Dune a lot lately. So much of this experience has been terrifying on so many levels for me. So many things I have never done nor contemplated doing. Seriously this is the longest I've been unemployed since I was 17 & I took the first semester of college off to just go to school. By 2nd semester I was at least rollin down to the ALI (American Language Institute). Send me leads please.

Overwhelmed

The new space is clean & ready for me to move into it. I finished scrubbing the carpets yesterday. I also finished moving the "stuff that is not staying" out of the space. only one more big item to get moved out.

Clothes in front room are almost all packed up - still have to do back room clothes
AND of course the entire rest of my apt. I feel more than a little overwhelmed. If you find yourself bored this weekend, call me, I could use some help packing & cleaning -as of the 15th I can start moving stuff into the new space. In my car I can move things like my LaZBoys but I need bigger vehicles for my bed & it would be easier to move the bookcases & dresser in bigger vehicles. I'm so freaked out as I do this so hugs & cuddles & love are also needed, it is a huge move for me. I have so much to get rid of & so much to get sorted out in the new space. Also food if you feel like dropping by w/ a meal or coffee I appreciate it greatly.

OF NOTE: this move will NOT change my standard of randomly showing up at my door with booze or cheesecake. It just means you need to bring more for the other household members. Well more cheesecake anyway - I think I drink more than anyone in the house & that is not saying much - you know how little I drink. However I will be on the 3rd floor so if you try to knock on the door I will be the last person to hear it. Please call ahead & let me know to expect you or try the pebble to the window thing if you think I am up in my room. Of course you are responsible if you break a window.

Also overwhelmed by the love & support you have shown me in calls & notes & emails & so on. Seriously you make me tear up just thinking about it. THANK YOU

Oh Happy Birthday to me!!!

OK - no sleeping through the night.
BUT

New Sons of Anarchy with Henry Rollins.
It is the BEST birthday present so far. Seriously.

Updates

News!

I am following up on the job leads that you have given me - thank you so much.

I will be moving into the FTS Compound (oh our lil commune in the making).

I will be moving the most/emptying the old apt the wknd before RR - so that I will be settled in before RR - I think that is most beneficial to all involved.

I will post details of times/dates of movements of items to storage/FTS as soon as I can sort them out. I appreciate all offers of assistance & will be taking you up on them. I am not requesting that you forgo your own lives/projects to help. I can let you know that I will be out of town Labor Day wknd as planned before all this & then the bulk of the move must take place after the 14th. so the wknd in between I will need help packing & cleaning.

This is all really sudden & still scary for me.

Thank you for the love & support.

I saw the doc today...

I am healthy per the doc - she was amazed at the weight I've lost & how low my blood pressure is & how good I look. Since March I have dropped around 30 lbs, I've taken 7 inches off my waist. My blood pressure has gone from an alltime high of 164/100 to a snazzy 114/68 - which is pretty darn sexe in my book. These were added bonuses - the reason for the visit was to refill my sched IV narcotics (YAY). I am feeling better than last week - I'm still processing last week & promise an update as soon as I can put it all into words. I no longer feel like I am about to start sobbing at any moment. The stress has been a lot to handle & I feel better after good sleep & touching a body this weekend. I still feel touch starved - i just need a giant puppy pile of people to sleep in & MAYBE I'll start to feel sated.

Angry & Hurt

But I am a vindictive bitch in the long run. I won't cause the destruction of the people who hurt me. That would be wrong. I will remember & enjoy it when they fall.

& the bruises have come in

& my knee throbs. Last night I drank copious amounts of alcohol, I came home at a sane hour, I felt good - my knee, she had other ideas. The throbbing deep pain coupled with the top level sharper pain where the skin is gone & the nerves are raw. About a 6/10 which is more than the injuries gotten at Baitcon ever hit. At 0230 with anti-inflammitories in my system, arnica on the bruised area, lying back w/ leg elevated & no relief. I ended up finding an ice pack (oh sweet blessed cervical ice pack in my freezer (I was literally bashing a bag of edemame to break it up enough to use as an ice pack when I saw it). 20 minutes later the throbbing was still present but the sharper pains had decreased a bit 4/10 pain overall. I thought I would update the pics since the bruises have arrived & they make it look much closer to what it feels like.

Let it be known that I am still clumsy

I have not yet begun drinking today but I will as soon as this posts

bloodied knee & elbow (Left)

scraped top of foot - but no blood (Left)

bruised palm (Right)

The pics are good but the size is harder to sort - I promise that my knee is much bigger than my elbow & the wounds are much bigger on my knee than my elbow. I tripped on the sidewalk - trying to walk to the store - Apparently I need more practice walking - Lordie...

2nd passing thought - those unlined wool pants I wear at work are gonna feel fuckin fantastic tomorrow...

I'm off...

to see the wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Odd...

Just prey...

Fucking selfrighteous asshats who believe EVERYONE "is never more alive" than when you are playing by their rules...

You are never more alive than you are at any moment that you are not dead.

FUCKING DEAL WITH IT JACKASS.

If I deem you worthy

I can count on less than 2 hands the number of friends I had in 1991 who are still my friends today. They read me here & never comment. We talk & rarely invade eachothers' lives beyond the very tightest circles of immediate family, spouses, children. And yet I am godmother to their children, I performed some of their marriages, I am their Power of Attorney, they are the first call on most of my emergency forms, when things go sideways they are the first round of calls I make. In recent years I have tried hard to open up to newer friends, to let new relationships get closer. It is a hard discipline I have fallen into, to wait to call the people I know will be there in lieu of letting other people who have offered to be there have the chance. This is a long time to be so close & so distant from eachother. I know why we chose the distancing, it was so hard watching us die & holding on to only eachother. Even now a glance in Jase's eyes stops my heart as I see his brother in them looking back. This strange orbit we've chosen in lieu of collision and the inevitable chaos that follows as our universe realigns. I realize that compartmentalization spills over into other social sets & I work so hard to blend people together & yet you remain untouched. As if I do not want to share you, as if you are all my secret lovers, some strange affair that dare not speak its name in the light of day or dark of night. We know eachothers' actions & reactions as if we were born to them ourselves. Even the surprises are not surprising - When was the last time Jason or I didn't know exactly what was going on before we were told? The respect is so ingrained in us. We've known the boundaries for so long they are worn into our palms sliding along the fence. I hold them farther out than they hold me because of the way I was raised. I spent too many years having everything I cared about stripped away as my parents reached desperately for anything to use as a punishment. I've spent most of my adult life not bringing much of the things I care about anywhere near my biological family, so that which I hold most dear I hold the farthest from them. It has been a huge step to include my family in anything I am doing with my life over the last 5 years.

You know I had a point to all of this ramble. Wes showed up last night/this morning at around 0200 - strangely - despite the fact that I had to work today I was awake. I was in the midst of a conflict with a new friend & it was nice to have a sounding board to sort if I was over reacting on some huge scale to an insult or if it was just my SOP. Could my reaction have been predicted? Long talkings, followed by rest, deep, peaceful sleep in arms that my body knows as well as it knows my favorite pillow. Wes had some good points in our ramblings, one of them was that I hadn't brought a significant other around, ever. The answer rolled off my tongue before I knew what I was saying: That would be like any other widow bringing her latest SO around her dead spouse's family. Just cruel. I hadn't thought about it out loud with anyone. I don't know if I want that to change, but then I don't know if I have had an SO that I trusted enough. So many insecurities coming up, scenarios that I already know the answers. So strange as I lied there realizing how much Kerry {the ex Kerry, not the good Kerry, good Kerry would not wig out at meeting my family & I loved meeting hers, they are wonderful} had wigged out at the idea of meeting my family but he never met them, my inner sanctum, that family of choice that has stood with me through so much more. There are other families of friends he met, he ran the gauntlet from my R&I to the Toledo folk. But he never sat graveside with me meeting Adam, I don't think he would have tolerated it. I don't know that anyone who has been involved with me would tolerate that. Would understand the significance of his life within mine. Short of those merry few everyone else who reads this knows only the outcome, only the me that has emerged from those ashes. & I know the 2 are not dependent on eachother - I could have SOs involved without forcing Adam down their throat as well, but it is me, if you can't handle one, you aren't fit for the other.

Hatred

For the asshats in my neighborhood who are making it sound like a good day in Kosovo outside - it is 2356 & the bastards are still setting off REAL fireworks - as in fly up in the sky & go boom raining crap back to the earth a block away.  DiFranco is terrified.  

I hope no innocents get hurt but that the asshats lose body parts.

The Baitcon Bruises

From the fall on saturday these are the bruises on each of my calves - I'm sparing you the shots of the cut tip of my (L) pinkie toe, ( R) lateral ankle, (L) anterior ring finger & multiple other contusions - I'm a mess but the weekend was totally worth it.  More on that later.  Though I can report my new favorite ice cream is Cognac Sour Cream & fave sorbet is Strawberry Balsamic Black Pepper.

Gone baby Gone

I'm outie - if you needs me Google Baitcon & dig the site til you find lodgings for this year's Baitcon XX & the EMERGENCY NUMBER you can reach me thru that - I doubt I will have Cell reception.  I'll be in BFE & I am shutting off my phone from Thursday thru Next Monday when I return to civilization.  I'd say fuck you all But really I just mean the parts of the human race which 

make me want to scratch my eyes out. 

on Fatherless Day

Alone this year - very very alone.  

Not complaining just acknowledging.  I miss my dad.  His birthday passed this week unnoticed by anyone but me.  That's all I got.

Iran

I have no such account myself, but reposts anyway: If you have a Twitter account, set your location to Tehran and your time zone to GMT +3.30. Security forces are hunting for bloggers using location/timezone searches. The more people at this location, the more of a logjam it creates for forces trying to shut Iranians' access to the internet down. Cut, paste and please pass it on.

Pork Lung

H1N1 is killing 2 of every 10,000 people in the US who contract it. That is .02% that is less than 1% of the people who get it. Worldwide (so of course we contribute to this stat - H1N1 is killing 47 in every 10,000 people who contract it. .47% - just under .5% seriously. this is not the end of the world to lose .02% of the population. kick the Captain Trips scenarios out of your noggins. The virus in the Stand had a 99.4% mortality rate -meaning that of every 1000 people who contracted it 994 died. BIG FUCKING DIFFERENCE. I'm just saying. the difference between losing less than 1% of your population and only having 6% left at all.

In my home town which as of the 2000 census had less than 1,000 occupants there might be zero fatalities. So much death & not one where it counts. Egads that was a morbid thought - I don't hate everyone from home but I spent much of my first 20 years hating them, it is a hard habit to fall out of but then hate isn't a habit really too many unrighted wrongs, too many unpaid damages. Seriously.

Bill is dead...

But he wasn't murdered,
But damned if'n that ain't somethin'
I think back on Kwai Chang Caine w/ joi

eeeeeep

I am so excited to grab Caitlin & have her all to myself in less than 2 hours - I am leaving work at 1800 & then driving very carefully to pick her up AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH - why do I have to work at the opposite end of town from her - from the far east suburb to the far west suburb & since the sun came out & dried everything off you know damned well there are going to be cops on the road so slow we will go...

Strange Days in my heart...

I've written on such things before & I feel an update is in order. for names & details & of course the all important whether or not you know the individuals in question please ask me directly. Ahhh such is my life - I have found myself involved in an ever evolving relationship of sorts with the most amazing couple in Philly - I adore them & miss them loads, I find myself batted back and forth tween them whoever is online & has a bit of sparetime when I do. I have undefined relationships growing with several other men (3) all of whom are either married or involved with others but are in open/varying degrees of polyamorous relationships. I'm fighting the urge to really push things forward. I so very much want to sit back & see how things develop. I love the clear & open communications with them & there is an attraction with at least 2 of their other partners as well. I am truly enjoying the exploration & the honesty. & I love the solid friendships they are all based within. Although I am still craving that "get home from work, exchange footrubs, talk, sleep with, wake with, slight tug as we part ways" day to day life with a or several significant others. & for those of you about to point the finger at me screaming "whoreslut!!!" : still no sex for well over a year. I miss sex & proper kissing with someone I am attracted to. & the last time I kissed someone - hmm I was kissed at the last party @ the FTS Compound, but no real attraction there & the last time I slept with anyone I was in Pittsburgh & cuddling Kerry in the early morning hours (thank you Kate for waking me & inviting me - I truly do not have words for how much I needed that.)

Oh the beginning it shall be - one bright day last March Froggy & Tyger invited me to tag along to a Recycled Rainbow meeting. This was after I had been threatening her all week that I was going to bring over my paraffin bath & force her to use it on her lil hands. Not because I am a Dom but because I want everyone I care about to be healthy & whole. The Plan - plug in bath, go to meeting, get food, dip body parts & watch movies. The Reality - plugged in bath, went to meeting, fell in adoration w/ the concepts being bandied about, went for food - ended up at afterparty/mixer @ Everyman/DG's place, had an amazing time. & from there it grew. Everyman took it upon himself to invite me to Tuesday Teatime & I have been in attendence ever since. I enjoy the people & the vibe. I've kvetched more than enough that I have been long absent from the poets & artists. & I've found some. A few smokers in the lot but I love them anyway & they are utterly respectful of the fact that I want nothing to do w/ the vile cigarette smoke. But passions & fury are so nice to be near whether they match my own or not. So good to be associating w/ people who do things instead of sit around for hours playing the "What do you wanna do" game. I've needed this.

By the next meeting I was arriving & leaving on my own - drawn like a crazed moth to the flame.

So Memorial Day weekend I participated in Primer with them. Primer is the event before THE Event. It is the prototyping/generally mucking about version of Recycled Rainbow proper which will take place in September. Katelynn was there with me - that is I offered her cheap camping & fun & she took it. I think she fell in love with things like I did but I'm just speculating. Katelynn brought the giant 18month old Rottie named Coffee with her - so I helped w/ aunty duties throughout the weekend, I love that dog, and for a cat person like me to say that you know the animal is pretty damned special. We, Katelynn, Tyger, Coffee & I had the best walk along the railroad tracks. I loved getting to know everyone there so much closer. Late night fire talks, early rising to conversations around the campfire/ashes. I loved the sleeping in a tent again (the first time since I was in highschool). I loved setting up my lil area. I have definite ideas for RR this fall. I gave up fixing people on the ground & random chairs & set up my table in the pavilion giving me quick access to sorting out hip & back issues. With all the building going on (24' domes, 8' platforms, Metamorphasis) it was easier for me to fix than watch people in pain all weekend. I loved the music & the sights. I even loved the constant train traffic. The names of the participants are etched on my brain & heart & I am not gonna bore you with all of the moments unless they pop up later in my writing.

I'm still in process. I'm still sorting out how & what this all means. Bare with me while I do this.

Memorial Day Weekend 2009

I'll be @ Primer w/ the Recycled Rainbow peoples.   JOIN US.  I'd love to see you there.  I am sooo looking forward to rest & play & make & joi & fire.  

Fuck McDos

i still have nightmares about a certain classmate (Jon) in highschool sitting in French class trying to act cooler than the average kid by adding the hard {a} sound to end of words & only succeeding in pissing off the French teacher & grating on my nerves.  AND NOW fucking McDonalds has an entire ad campaign centered on the idea that adding the sound to the end of words makes them "special" - I want to kill the ad guys/gals that came up with that one.  Slowly.  very very slowly.

Hai thair

I needs money in ways I cannot describe.  I needs to supplement about $500 into my monthly income.  I needs ideas & patients.  So if you know anyone looking for relaxation work even - I'll do it.  Seriously.  It's complicated, so I am not going to try to even explain it in writing.  Just call me w/ anything you have.

Also dead

Wow, "The Women's Room" came out the year I was born & yet I am so joious to not be in it.

Dom's Dead

His voice - for me at my age I love his live action works but HIS voice, how many cartoons did I hear him in? - such joi - in the cartoons in my head he is always voicing someone. I'm sad for his family- I've spent so many years watching his sons & they do such amazing work. I hope their life was everything they needed it to be.

Derby Day

No Mint Juleps for me - mmm though I think we needs to find some time to spend an afternoon sipping soonish.

The lil angel's First taste of human flesh today was perfect.  I had a horrible time not "going like this" - I love Cthulu so very much.  & yes I restrained myself from getting her an idol of the Elder Gods.  such delicious sanity nom nom nom...

Happy Beltaine

Merry May Day to all - so much joi - Froggy & Tyger's party looks to be the greatest thing going tomorrow & for a while.  

So much new in my life this spring to be grateful for the entire RR crew & then some - I love so much the people who've fallen into my life thanks to F & T - Seriously.

Sidenote as I sleep alone: no fertility rites in my house, please.

You wanna know

Why the economy is so fucked up.
Seriously.
BECAUSE 10 cents is not a dollar.
BECAUSE 25 cents is not a dollar.
BECAUSE 75 cents is not a dollar.
BECAUSE 89 CENTS IS NOT A FUCKING DOLLAR
When you walk into my office & you have a copay - you needs to pay your fucking copay. YOU needs to pay YOUR fucking copay. I AM NOT EXPECTED TO PAY YOUR FUCKING COPAY JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A JOB. Certainly not without a thank you.

So this bitch comes in to my desk today, and I ask how she would like to pay her copay today & she throws a twenty dollar bill onto the desk. Then she begins counting out the singles & realizes she has only 4 dollars. Her copay is $25. NOT $24. I offer that she can pay via credit/debit card or check & she insists that she wants to pay via cash. As I am making a copy of her card she then informs me that she has 89 cents & that will just have to do. So I supposed to accept $24.89 in lieu of the $25 she owes to see the doctor today - You know that I don't work in an office that handles any sort of emergent cases therefore this is not life or death. The bitch (& I didn't start thinking of her as a bitch until this point) says it will just have to do & goes & sits down. Not a word of thank you, or hey, I'm having a problem could you help me out, or blushing that she didn't have enough asking in any way for assistance. NOPE NADA. FUCK THAT SHIT. So the 11 cents came out of my pocket & I'm pissed. not because I helped someone - but because the fucking bitch's sense of self-entitlement was palpable. I wanted to punch her & be like, I'm sorry that was for the 11 cents. I'm not free bitch.

Catch up

Bea Arthur, my beloved Dorothy has left us, the memories and comparisons of her & my grandmother are many & deep.

HIV+, AIDS, & my living dead bois. Money, time, luck, & love make all the difference in the world.  

So much wrong with the crime, BUT the Andrade verdict brings me so much joi.  I hope it helps.  The tragedy is unforgivable.  

J G Ballard - has left us - It's too late to link it.  If you don't know why it's sad, I cannot help u - The life he lived leaves me in awe second only to his skill in expressing himself & his sight of our future.