The Inch of Difference

The highest compliment I have ever been paid

2012-01-16T19:43:00.002-05:00

You are wonderful.
You are brilliant.
You are strong.

You know your truth.
You know your experiences.
You know your own mind.

Yes, there are people who feel intimidated by you, but that's their problem. You raise the bar. You are making and doing. You are moving forward. You ask questions. You expect real answers.
Small, weak, and petty people are threatened by this. They are threatened by people who are making something of their life, instead of playing in elaborate dramas.
Reality is scary as hell. You acknowledge and embrace that while others create masks and lies to pretend it's something else.

You can look at your own scars and flaws with honest eyes, which makes you braver than most. You are real, not perfect, not a false pretense, and that adds to your beauty. You the mountains, not a statue. You are alive and changing, not fixed and calculated. No artifice, no imitations, no plaster facades, you will endure.

You are loved.
You are valued.
You are cherished.

2012 Resolutions.

2012-01-03T20:02:00.004-05:00

I have decided to look more carefully at the people I invite into my life for 2012. The following are no longer welcome. I deeply regret having allowed them into my life and am seeking to eliminate their presence as quickly and efficiently as possible.1 Victims: not those who have been the recipient of treatment intended to victimize them - instead those who consistently regard themselves as a victim. People who marinate purposefully in a cauldron of psychological dysfunction. Who whine about the world and complain incessantly about how "put-upon" others make them feel. Those who continually place the blame for their circumstances on everyone but themselves. Blame, excuses, and victimhood are toxic, divisive, and diversionary.

I am responsible for the things I have allowed to happen over the last year & how I chose to react to them. I have reflected extensively in writing as well as in silence seeking to determine what went wrong and when. I do not blame others for the things that I have experienced emotionally. I hold myself accountable for my emotions, my actions. I do hold others accountable for their actions. Analyzing and acknowledging their actions is not the same as refusing to forgive or holding a grudge, at the same time I feel no obligation to forget their past performances, nor to believe that they are not indicative of their future behaviors.

2 Cowards: They will lie to you, lie about you, speak in passive-aggressive diatribes. They seek to hurt and belittle, to do it all behind an anonymous or an obtuse shield as they are too weak to actually face people they wish to hurt. Their own self-determined weakness is not something that I desire to be near.

I allow too many people near me who flock to me to be their voice, to say the things that they are too afraid to voice. I cannot do this anymore. These same cowards are unable to face me directly when they take issue with something I say or do. Instead, this year, they chose to attack others near me or positions I hold. This is unacceptable, I will do my best to be more aware of their capacities and intents in the future.

Breaking bread

2011-12-19T20:24:00.002-05:00

I'm at a peace. Calmness rules my internal structure. I have no overwhelming needs/wants that aren't being met. I have no emotional pain/stress, I have some physical pain but it is as handled as possible. Obi is cuddled in close, Hogfather is on the tele, plum wine in my glass, and I feel at rest in the universe. I could use a week of solitude and silence - but that is going to wait for a vaca later this year. An hour in a sensory dep chamber is just not enough to make up for the too much noise that I am surrounded by. Noises...

Thanksgiving brought about a really interesting talk about Misophonia. I suffer from this - in case you have missed my ranting about the desire to vomit or kill brought on by the mouth noises of other people eating with their mouths open, exacerbated by being trapped in small places with them. Picture me pulling my car over & making people throw out their gum when I was driving in highschool. As it is now I purposefully remove myself from eating with people who cannot chew with their mouths closed. At work I place myself as far from certain individuals as possible, at home I eat in my room, when riding/driving in cars I try very hard to be sure I am not along for a drive-thru run if it means eating with others in the car.

For years I have tried to express my disgust, that such noises make me feel nauseous, the general response is for people to not only continue making the noises but to make a sport of it. Laughing because of my obvious discomfort. The end result is that in the future I avoid eating around them. I have been having moments lately wherein I feel like I should apologize for this. I realize that the idea of apologizing for someone else's inability to chew with their mouth closed is ridiculous, pure ridiculousness. I state my needs, have them ignored or made fun of, then simply leave. It does make for awfully strange when in general the only meal I share with others is lunch at work.

Additional thoughts

2011-12-12T18:16:00.003-05:00

So, the GPS my work got me for Xmas is freaking awesome. I LOVE IT!!!

As in it tells me where the "safety" cameras are located, it tells me the speed they are set to go off at, and it tells me my speed in relation to the correct speed limit on the screen (granted this is not a super high priority but is fantastically convenient). Add in the fun of telling me specifically what lane I need to be in or will need to be in & I am sold. So work, gave it to me. I had other options, I picked this one. I am exceedingly pleased with the choice and the option. & now of course all I want to do is travel.

6 Month Review today

2011-12-12T16:56:00.002-05:00

I pass, with flying colors. I'm winning in all the little ways that I was told I couldn't. That I was under and over qualified, that I wasn't bright enough & of course the ever so condescending - "You're perfect for QA, you don't need to know anything & the people we have doing it are idiots, you'll be great at it". I would love to follow that w/ threats but really the people who said that to me are just out of my life now & not welcome back into it.

Right now, I win. No stress at work, no stress at home, no drama in my romantic life, only mutual respect and love shared with my friends. Best of both worlds.

Randoms tonight

2011-12-01T21:35:00.000-05:00

I remember talking to a man. A man who has spent less than an hour seeing me naked, less than that in good light. & that was over 2 years ago, over 2 years since we've been in the same room. I realize that he described my body in detail that I can hardly grasp, from coloration, texture, scent, taste, sound, he noticed. He can articulate them, he's thought of me beyond the moments we spent together. He's wracked his brain trying to find just the right comparisons, the right words to express what he found in me. We've never had sex, never even touched eachother's underwear zones. I don't know that we ever will.

I remember bodies the way that he remembers mine. I remember every detail. EVERYTHING.

I sit here realizing how manipulated I was by my last 2 exes. The first by way of my own poor mental health and the second by way of consistent emotional pushes and twists. Neither of them capable of remembering my eye color. The first because he was incapable of connecting with people and the second by way of simply not caring about me beyond the sexual gratification and free therapy he received from me.

There is a woman in my life. She looks me in the eyes & she tells me she loves me. She describes my eyes, my body, she calls me a catalyst, a force of nature. She says no one can know me & not be changed by the knowing of me. I say the same of her. If I am the hurricane, the unstoppable force that changes everything in my path, she is the single flap of a butterfly's wings, altering the world in almost imperceptible ways that have huge results. I love her dearly. She asks questions, she not only wants to know the answers but she listens & then asks the next questions... She analyzes herself & others; like I do only differently. She is constantly looking at herself & figuring out if she likes what she is & where she is & changes it if she is not ok with it. She changes! She touches everything she changes everything she touches, and so on. Seriously I can count on one hand the number of people in my life who actually look at things & purposefully alter them. She has the courage to do & to be & to live. I love her for inspiring me.

yes

2011-11-03T21:05:00.003-04:00

I'm happy. I'm joi. I'm riding the fabulous mostly stressless social life. Life without being constantly emotionally manipulated - like this time last year - I have stresses and pains - physical in nature, frets and worries about a few people I love who are not the best healthwise. Still many things I cannot talk about. I will. Obi is safe purring next to me. D is a giant ball of fluff nearby.

I am not bringing a great revelation right this second. The drives to and from work have been filled with thoughts of work. I really like it there. I know, enough & all that, but I really love it there. Standing desk in place, a firm-ish group of friends to lunch with, interesting things to constantly learn. Not absolutely perfect, but so much better than so many of the places I've been in the last few years.

oh happy day

2011-10-28T17:48:00.004-04:00

There are a few posts between this & the last which will be published with time. But I wanted to interject my absolute joi. I am in love with myself & those closest to me. I am currently dressing for the party tonight. I am excited and joiful at the prospects of fun before me. Just needed to share. I even received my lab results today & my numbers are all where I expected them to be - which means good, just barely within the limits of good but good nonetheless.

On a side note - I think my animal spirit guide for 2011-2012 is the Honey Badger. Having finally accepted this, the strength & peace is wonderful.

This piece from last November

2011-10-19T07:12:00.002-04:00

Apparently bears repeating:

This is not a syndicated blog or a blog that has a readership/following - frankly most of my friends do not trouble themselves to read it. Least not the ones who interact with me often IRL.

Also: reading my posts on here or any other social media & deciding you know what is going on in my life is ridiculous. You get a corner, a snippet of what I can or am allowed to discuss in these forums. Nothing more. If you actually want to know more I can always be contacted directly about it.

I now return to my usual processing & drama-free existence.

Today at work

2011-10-18T17:22:00.002-04:00

I did it, I managed to rock out more than anyone on my team. This means that 1/2 my team was there only half time or that they were recovering from serious throat/head colds, and the rest were feverishly working on other projects... So maybe not too much to be excited over, BUT I completed a bunch of points off of the sprint & managed to read 2 chapters in one of my required reading books, AND reread the first chapter of the book for the professional book club I've become a part of which meets tomorrow. I feel like I am starting to be competent at work. It has been almost 120 days since I started. It is still the best place on Earth to be working, for me at least, right now - after a ridiculous lunch of a slice of chicken club pizza and a salad, I enjoyed a fabulous massage to my lower back and piriformis. I feel really really good right this moment.

Of course saying all that - I am about to clean the carpet in my room for the 3rd time in 3 weeks. Somehow the cats dumped the litterbox over AND Obi was up all night every few hours puking. It was terrifying waking to her, but she seems to be ok today.

Then there will be booze and a nice hot shower. Snuggling under covers and then the new Torchwood on Netflix streaming. Really, I am feelin the warm and safe.

& My Baby Sis's bday is today & A certain housemate got great news. Seriously. I just want this down as an awesome day.

Just So We Are Clear...

2011-10-17T17:34:00.004-04:00

It was brought to my attention over the weekend that people seem to think my writings about the Most Selfish Man on Earth are about the demise of a Relationship, a Romantic Relationship, a boifriend/girlfriend Relationship. I assure it is not. It is in fact about recognizing the manipulations and lies I tolerated during the course of a friendship, a (small r) relationship. It has cost me friends, it has cost me people I cared about. I am happier than I ever was while friends with this man. My emotions are no longer being played like a yoyo at his every whim and need for attention. I am joiful that it is over, that I never have to contend with his lies again. It took so long for me to recognize many of his tricks that they were happening all the way back during what he described as our Relationship (capital R), that ended over 8 months ago.

I just thought I would be clear on that. I still feel utterly used by him and my disgust with him is pretty strong. I'm also not saying that everyone on Earth sees him as a useless piece of garbage, a selfish, self-centered, self-important, lying, manipulative asshole. However that is exactly what he was to me.

How I love my friends

2011-10-10T16:49:00.003-04:00

I love my life, my family, and my friends. Thank you terribly for your love and support right now. As soon as I know more I can tell you more. Just suffice it to say that screaming monkey brain is rampant. Please send thoughts, love & energy to my ill friends, to their physical wellbeing returning as soon as possible. Nothing is public yet, so I am a touch hamstrung from discussing what is really aching my heart - let me tell you a story.

Oberon, Obi, Obi Wan Kittie, uber-Bitch, my large orange tabby queen disappeared in mid-April. She has been with me for 17 of her 19 years. It tore me to pieces. I couldn't emotionally handle it, add in my usual spring issues, anniversaries of everything from deaths to the rape I associate the spring w/ some pretty rough times, a ridiculous dose of job stress, unnecessary relationship stress, and of course having to deal w/ the psycho ex-wife of the ex-boifriend's resurge of shit. I dealt w/ Obi's disappearance by breathing and letting go. If she needed to go off and die then so be it. I searched, I wept, I prayed for her to be at peace. I accepted that she was indeed most likely dead and gone forever.

In July she was spotted by me - I made Justin stop the car, really quite suddenly. I ran back about 5 houses & in the driveway she sat looking at me. mrrrreowing for all her worth all raspy. She was down about 7 lbs, so skinny like she was when we first met. Along her abdomen there were tumors and lesions. A vet visit was in order, she was mostly clear of obvious infections/parasites. The xray showed clear lungs. The tumors needed to come off & so they did followed by biopsy. They were adenocarcinomas, during the surgery there appeared to be no metastases. In cats, given her medical history, age, etc... It will be most likely that the cancer moves to the lungs & kills her fairly quickly. The vet's final verdict was "months, not days or weeks and not years, but months." I have her quarantined in my room & D is in and out daily. I love her and want her to be out and about but I want her to feel comfy for whatever time we have left.

She sleeps between me and the door or in my arms. Ever guarding, ever keeping me safe. There is going to come a day when I put her down, when her passing is at my behest, to save her so much the pain of a slow death that I cannot prevent. Currently watching "The Big Chill" and I guess the best image is that I feel like Glenn Close in the shower right now, as I have for months: surrounded by friends, crying alone, hurting over things I cannot bring myself to share, that is not an invitation, only an acknowledgement.

Dreams

2011-09-23T18:57:00.008-04:00

I had a dream last night, TMSMOE was crying, he was pitching one of his usual fits. In the dream I witnessed his entire show: trembling lips, filling eyes as he tries to look away & change the subject but only by a degree, only enough to bring it back to his pains & hurting, trying to show his "deep emotional scars" - too soon giving way to the raw open wounds that he is nursing - every imagined slight tearing them open again as he pours just enough fresh blood onto them to make them look new, his Munchausen of the soul still hidden from his audience, he pulls them in closer begging for their trust, begging to trust, appealing to the softness, the mother, the goddess in each woman present. Mouthing words of adoration, solipsistic stories of their strength, tales of their passions he admires so desperately, much as he had often attributed stories of mine to others - he did the same to them, the questioning glances as they each sought the true owner of the tales he told. Once his audience was won he broke into his sobbing, awaiting their coos and comforts. They obliged, willingly, warmly, wanting to heal him, to let him be strong, somehow, someway. I remained watching as he feigned strength, anger, self-righteous indignation, he rose & punched the walls, kicked random objects before collapsing in tears again into their waiting arms nursing his newly won wounds. A soldier returning from a war only in his head.

I turned away, I walked away, I wanted no part, I didn't want to hear the words of others that I failed to warn them. I didn't want to be held accountable for his lies, for introducing them to his manipulations. I wanted more, I wanted a partner for my crimes and a man with whom to share a scar or 2. A man who cannot comprehend calling me loving and compassionate and worthless all in the same breath. A man whose "love" for me means more than an appreciation for a cheerleader. I was speaking this as I walked, down a path, towards the lake. It is just after sunset, I can see seaweed swirling beneath the surface as I get closer. The water almost matches Johnny's eyes, that shade of green that I used to find everywhere & now can only see in dreams. I walk along the beach until I can find a nice boulder. I swiped at the dried weeds, curling up on it, my feet dragging in the water. I finally looked across the water, I saw the fires, burning brightly, beckoning someone home. Hands on my shoulders stopped the chill I'd hardly noticed. Warm and dry on my chilled skin. My nostrils filled w/ Sandalwood and Frankincense. My feet felt more than water, hands were stroking them, cold hands, colder than the water surrounding them. I laid back into the arms of the man standing behind me, he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, rubbing his face in the stubble of hair on my head. I realized I no longer had hair, just the stubble, a bit of fuzz. He kissed me below my ears, whispering beside them, remembering I hate the sounds of breath in my ear. He started to sing, his voice throwing me back to every cold night w/ the band, every hotel bed every time Michi stole the comforter. Swirling back to my head, I realized what he was singing, I realized there was a voice joining his from below, my feet were no longer below, but cradled on a cold lap, arms around my lower legs. The songs change, I'm swaying, unhindered, but alone in movements. We just sang for hours, never tiring, hardly moving, I rested between my 2 dead bois.

I woke up laughing this morning, reaching for them, humming our songs all day. A perfect start to fall as I gather in all that I that I have sown this year.

"After all, I am all that I'm about to be

And all that I have been is no longer me

So here I stand, one grain of sand

inside"

On the Emo Defense

2011-09-15T18:28:00.003-04:00

I am writing this fully & well aware that there may indeed be a proper term for this deflections mechanism in interpersonal relations. Much as I am sure there are other words, proper words to describe my feelings & labeling of "Schrödinger's relationship" hit the link if you needs a refresher, I think I revisit it every year for one reason or another.

First I will describe it then my epiphany regarding it.

The Emo Defense: in the course of an argument or discussion refusing to acknowledge the content of the things being communicated to you and instead simply deflecting them away constantly claiming that hearing or reading them hurts too much and you are too emotionally unstable or incapable of handling them. Then turning on the other person still ignoring the things being communicated to begin piling guilt on them based on their inability to say the things you don't want to hear in a manner which doesn't hurt you.

In the course of a relationship with someone who used this technique I was completely blindsided. I didn't realize until very recently that he did many things that hurt me on a monthly if not weekly basis during the best parts of our time together and every time I brought it up I was hamstrung by this technique. Instead of discussing things that were going on with our relationship, with me, with him, or even things going on with the outside world - we spent our time with me learning what his triggers were & trying to respect them or word things nicer or in some way communicate in a manner that did not send him flying off the handle. It never really dawned on the front of my brain that when things were complicated they were never actually dealt with, the tears and the violent outbursts all covered up the fact that my issues/emotions that he didn't like were completely pushed to the side. All so that he could lay another guilt trip on me for choosing words that tore him to pieces because he is too emotionally unstable to handle me being upset with him.

WTF my friends, WTF?

So the Emo Defense is acknowledged.

The Final Submission (haha)

2011-09-06T00:04:00.002-04:00

in the Most Selfish Man on Earth saga:

Once again cheap shots delivered before returning to work with no regard to me or my life.

Once again expressing how much I am supposed to care about his emotions after his repeated and blatant disregard and disrespect for me.

Once again a communications ban because I responded to his threats in a manner that he did not appreciate.

Basic bullshit drama that serves zero purpose.

I am so happy that the energy sucking lil blackhole of emo-bullshit is out of my life forever. I never have to deal with it again.

Basically - happy days are here again!!!

Of note

2011-08-30T22:01:00.004-04:00

I love my life.

I love my job - it is a daily source of joi & new information. I am challenged yet not overwhelmed, encouraged but not coddled, pretty much the most amazing corporate culture I could ever have dreamed myself enjoying. At work I have friends, people who understand me, people who enjoy my company.

I love my house, my home. Obi is back - she'll be the source of an entirely different bit soon enough w/ details of her health. Justin is wonderful & keeps things grounded & safe & running smoother than I could ever hope. Page is wonderful & caring & sweet & a pure joi to have with us. Julia has been a bright shining light for the little time we have hosted her.

My heart is calm & at peace & safely tucked away from the world. I am not unhappy to have no current partners in romance or sex. I have zero trust in anyone outside of my circles right now. All strangers are suspect & 1/2 of those surrounding me are under suspicion. It is a state that feels comfortable.

I feel at peace without & within.

I have let go, cut myself free of a pile of garbage that has been dragging me down for a while now. It is reminiscent of getting rid of Heather so many years ago. I have never regretted hanging up the phone on her or being finished with her. 8 years of friendship akin to sisterhood gone in an instant. I still taste Klondike bars, Doritos, Mountain Dew, smell a clean basement w/ no windows, see Faces of Death before my mind's eye & think of her fondly in those moments. But she may as well be dead. I've heard how things went in her life & I find joi in her distress but have no inclination to find her & see for myself. Perfectly in synch there is nothing that reminds me of the recent disengagement - not even a tear stained note to mark the passage. Only the unburdening of guilt borne of accusations rather than my own actions.

I feel at home in my own skin.

Fun Facts

2011-07-28T01:20:00.005-04:00

There comes a moment after someone hurts me that my blood stops boiling. There comes a moment after the attack when my blood turns to ice. I stop feeling hurty & fiery bright passions, I stop replaying the conversations & signs & moments & realizations of the usery over & again. The calm comes & I cease to care. I actively cease to care about this person regardless of how close they had been or how much their feelings, tender egos, emotional state in general mattered to me. It is from this place I take actions. I cut people out of my life permanently. I am vindictive, I revel in their pain, regardless of the cause.

Like all lovely bad karma boomerangs it has always come back on them. I see all the paths, I desire to follow them all, to destroy reputations, to destroy friendships, etc... BUT I know I will breathe and wait. Everything becomes about patience - not with myself but with the other.

In the darkness, in the calm I hear the familiar tones of that great revenant mystery clear as a gong in the mountains at night:

"The panther paces.

Waiting reminds him that clarity is painful
but his pain is unreadable,
obscure, chiaroscuro to their human senses.

In time they will misread his gait,
his moon mad eyes,
the almost gentle way his tail caresses the bars.

In time they will mistake him
for someone else-
without history,
without the shadow of being,
a creature without penance of living.

They will read only his name.

They will be unable to perceive
what strangeness
lies beneath his patience.

Patience is the darkest side of power.

He is dark.
He is black.
He is exquisitely powerful.

He has made pain his lover
and hidden her completely.

Now he will never forget.

She will give birth to memories
they believe he has been broken of.

He smells the new rain,
tastes its change.

His claw skates along
the cold floor.

Love curled up and died
on such a floor.

He blinks.
Clarity improves.

He hears other creatures scream and fade.
But silence is his.

He knows.

In time the gates will open.
In time his heart will open.

Then the shadows will bleed
and the locks will break..."

Big Fat Effin lines that you ought not to cross...

2011-07-25T21:00:00.002-04:00

and expect to keep a friendship with me. These have been a long time in coming, but I am happy to have a handy dandy version written up so that there is no misconceptions later on down the lines.

In no particular order:

Lie to me.

Lie about me.

Lie to me.

Make baseless accusations at me, my character, this falls under lying about me as well.

Lie to me.

Show no respect for my needs/feelings while expecting me to respect yours.

Lie to me.

Willfully hurt those that I love.

Lie to me.

Cut communications with me.

Lie to me.

So here we goes

2011-07-25T20:50:00.003-04:00

Guess what happens when you cut communications with me? - I lock you & your issues in a box & throw a stamp on it. Once enough time has passed I burn it & you out of my life. Because I am worth more than the sucking black hole you have turned out to be.

I am no longer willing to be devalued

2011-07-18T00:19:00.003-04:00

Latest in the Most Selfish Man on Earth saga: started hassling me tonight because I said something in front of him that made him uncomfortable. He started at 2200. I have a test tomorrow, a week of tests this week, so of course I am prepared at a moment's notice to re-evaluate my entire relationship w/ him & both of our behavior since then. I am prepared to have a rational discussion aka measured words so that I am not causing him purposeful pain. I acknowledged this as I realized some of my responses were getting sharp. He then decided that this meant that I no longer valued him as a human being & accused me of interrupting his involvements w/ others. I have tried really really hard not to do so. So at midnight - at fucking midnight: He stated that he couldn't trust me being around & then brought up 2 "incidents" from over a month ago - that he'd been clearly holding onto w/ no intentions of bringing up in an other than accusatory manner. At any point if I had offended him he could have said something - he didn't.

I AM FUCKING SICK OF HAVING TO BE HIS GODDAMNED PUNCHING BAG WHENEVER HE DECIDES TO MISUNDERSTAND ME OR JUST FEELS LIKE LASHING OUT AT ME.

I am sick of dealing with his fragile fucking ego & being nice & being kind. I call him selfish. He is selfish. He has behaved in a selfish manner in his interactions with me. He wants to "salvage our friendship" but then only has any interest in this when I do something that he finds displeasing. WTF - I'm supposed to trust that shit???

& now suddenly just like before he has no interest in it. Funny that load of bullshit he'd tried so hard to sell me tonight.

I am worth more than this crap.

Currents

2011-06-29T17:07:00.003-04:00

Fly doing death throes in the corner of my web of friends & relationships. It had no direct lines to my anatomy. I'm happy to cut it out completely. I'm a fan of killing flies, removing problems, & making things non-issues. I have never regretted cutting a single person out of my life, nor do I make the decision lightly. In recent years: a sexual predators, an unmedicated psychotic, a rapist, as I struggle to think of others only the apologists of the sexual predator & rapist come to mind.

Rest for now. Lots of rest for the night.

The wicked man flees though none pursues...

2011-06-19T22:42:00.002-04:00

Yep, I'm watchin "True Grit" tonight as I try to settle for the new job.

Though the quote hits me as the grapevine came in last night - my ex-housemates made a facebook show of changing their locks due to unsavory elements trying to get at them. I know that I want nothing to do with them, I haven't set foot in their house since I moved out. I haven't set foot on their property since I assisted the removal of their last tenants. I find them to be horrible people. Both of the lies they spread & the sexual assaults I know that they have both had a hand in covering up. I'm not pursuing them, neither is anyone I care about. As such I find it hysterical that they seek to hide themselves, painting themselves as victims. People that they have spent a good amount of time badmouthing have left their company & "friendship". Wow, soooo put upon,

Oddly a different grapevine delivered news of a woman being upset with me because I wrote "In this house we do not support rapists" on my facebook. This woman cracks me up beyond words. I will never understand what use being upset is when you do nothing about it. "Wah wah wah" in the corner, without communication to the people you are actually upset with is utterly pointless to me.

Dolphins Fucking on Indian Time

2011-06-16T03:24:00.004-04:00

Dolphins have sex facing eachother, they also have sex for pleasure - but have you ever watched footage of them having sex? They sort of swim at eachother & then are intimate then away again & back again in these fantastic dances in the water from away to utterly intimate in a dance to music only they can hear.

Indian Time - is a direct reference to Billy Jack - "he's on Indian Time, he's always there when you need him..."

Some relationships are like that for me - deeply intimate - not physically intimate, more emotionally, mentally intimate, depending only on eachother out of the blue - right when we need eachother most. I thought I had written this up at some point - I am rewriting it because I cannot find that - grr arrrgh...

For reals:

2011-06-15T12:42:00.003-04:00

Tattoo: "Not Her" on the back of my upper neck - covered by hair when I want it to be. Why? - Because I am not her. I am not your mother, your ex-girlfriend, your sister, your cousin, the woman who cheated on you, the woman who says "I'm fine" but it is really secret language for "I am not fine & you need to figure it out", your grandmother, your daughter, whatever creature of human female genitalia or fem-identifiers that you seem to think I am & insist on treating me as. I am not her.

This is going to happen - this is going to happen by then end of this summer. That is all.

I...

2011-06-10T00:36:00.004-04:00

I am not exhausted - this is a radical change. I am not caught up with what I perceive of as my life, but I am not running in an endless hamster wheel for a moment. I am breathing & slowly making changes to the current state of me. I wish for a touch more companionship, but I believe that I have a cuddle friend joining me this weekend. Having said that I expect Wes's sweet ass up here by sun up...

I'm trying to process everything that has happened. The more stories, the more women I talk to, the more rapes & assaults I am made aware of that this man committed - I am so happy that I am as I am. That somehow I was not meat for his pleasure, that my brand of crazy & breed of personality was not enough to draw his predation. As some of you know I used to live in the house my now housemate & her husband were in when she was assaulted.

The man who assaulted her - used to be a friend of mine. I would love to pinpoint when that stopped but it must have been a long long time ago. Doubly so for his wife - the vile things they've said about me & the lies they've told to my face, ridiculousness. I think the moment I lost any kind of belief in her garbage was when they left an event we were all attending & escorted in the Psycho ex-wife of the ex-boifriend. She came back inside & got right in my face telling me some crap about going out to take a call. I hadn't asked where they'd gone, had in truth not noticed them go out. I noticed the Psycho coming back in though - pretty fucked up. To say that she is weak, messed up, or even just not right is an understatement of massive proportions. Then again I've never associated with the spouse of a rapist before, so I don't know how she compares. The one thing that has held true is that I really need to get the fuck away from people who make excuses for others & hurt people indiscriminately, who tolerate the crazypants & encourage it for their own amusement.

Time...

2011-06-06T23:19:00.002-04:00

My life in chunks of time lately, sort of floating: A week ago last wednesday I was told by my employer that my services were no longer needed - 2 weeks earlier than we had planned. This gives me 3 weeks off between jobs: I cannot tell you how happy this has made me - to relax & breathe, to catch up on my heart & head, to de-stress. A friend was sexually assaulted by her landlord later that week, less than 10 hours later she was starting to process it. Less than 24 hours later we were moving her & her husband out. The move took 3 hours from the time we (brute squad of 13) showed up & announced our intentions to move them out until we had them moved into my house. In one week our motley household has solidified into a loving caring place of shared meals, shared chores, share annoyances, & shared farts. A week ago tomorrow my godmother took her last breath, in an instant, she was gone, in bed, alone. I drove 2.5 hours home last Saturday, sat through an hour long funeral - somehow restrained myself from killing the priest who chose to use her funeral service as a soapbox for being "authentic Christians" and general evangelism. I've heard my father give better funeral services for practical strangers. I drove the half hour to the cemetery, my godmother, a paternal aunt, is buried next to my father. It felt like every wound was being torn open again. Looking into the eyes of her children, the pain matching my own. Talking & hugging, caring for eachother. The very best parts of being family at the very worst of times.

There will be more, for now I'm gonna curl up in a ball.

Attitude

2011-03-07T23:28:00.003-05:00

It was noted today by a friend turned coworker that she is having a hard time w/ the dissonance between my general attitude w/ life & my attitude @ work. "Where is the cynicism?"

I realized that I go out of my way at work to focus energy on the positive. There is so much out of my control, & I bitch about it, oh yes, I do, Hells I named a cocktail after one of my labs because they make me completely nutsy. BUT to my coworkers I try to just believe that issues will be handled. As I type this it strikes me why I am so positive @ work: It could be worse. It WAS worse, taking calls w/ nothing else to do all day was a nightmare. These days I finish my dailies & go begging for more work, I write up documentation & SOPs for myself & coworkers because we have none in place. It makes me a lil crazy but it could be worse.

Outside of work I trend to a realist view of the world around me. By & large I believe the world gets better one winter at a time but I know how bad it has gotten for me & I understand how very little is holding me from it getting bad again.

Happy Birthday for the OLDE Man

2011-02-16T17:37:00.003-05:00

43 today - shocked that his brain is still the good kind of mushy.

So happy he is still kicking & writing & making me smile.

Seriously. Thank you Warren Ellis.

VDay

2011-02-14T23:46:00.003-05:00

So here I am curled up trying to sleep, failing miserably. A year ago I was sleeping as poorly. I was with a man whom I do not miss in any way. I was in a home which kept me but in which I was an add on. I was depressed, stressed, dealing with drama of all sorts. And of course more to come between the boifriend's psycho ex-wife & the sexual predator I had somehow gotten mixed up with. That somehow indicating less that I don't know how we became involved & more the stark disbelief that I let things slide that far. Work was a nightmare of hours of staring at my hands & waiting for the phone that never rang enough. I was the definition of underemployed. I look back & see so many people surrounding me who wanted to help but also didn't want to get their hands dirty. Friends who watched me hurting and could not bring themselves to say anything to my face, only behind my back.

Tonight I am sleeping alone but much loved by many. I am in a home I can call my own; a sense of my space & energy, less at the whims of others. I am not depressed, very low on stress, and the Queen of ZeroDramaLand. Work is not great but I have moved to a position wherein I am busy most days & I'm learning more & more & I like that sensation. Who am I kidding, I LOVE that sensation. I am surrounded by some of the same & many different people. I'm pleased with the way things have panned out. The ability to walk away - to have the freedom & independence to say "Not in my house" & have it be final, unquestioned, supported - is a sensation I never thought to desire. Least not in all of those years living alone.

Soon there will be more writings -tonight there is only taking stock of the joi in the lack of drama & madness.

Lucky in my mouth

2010-12-08T22:25:00.004-05:00

Seriously, I am sitting here - watching Hell's Kitchen, the challenge is to combine 2 cuisines to create a fusion dish. As I watched the chefs struggle, misunderstand the options, the ingredients, the flavor profiles... I realized how lucky I am. I eat & by golly I've eaten well. All fat jokes aside. I recognize Spanish from Thai from Italian from Mexican from Greek, etc... I am sooo lucky to know so many wonderful flavors. Course last weekend's Vietnamese (Minh Anh's Lemongrass Chicken...drool) Friday followed by on Saturday jerk chicken & coconut rice & then the Greek yogurt w/ fresh raspberries & thin coconut cookies. YUM. I'm happy & so very happy I have wonderful friends to share it with. Soon there will be a new kitchen & space to play w/ homemade sourdough bread & all the winter slow cooker delights. I miss roasting off chickens to eat off of all week...

Sooo umm thanks.

Note:

2010-11-15T01:42:00.004-05:00

I promise I will never seek to invalidate your experiences.

I may see an angle that you don't or see where someone's intentions were not what came across.

I may offer insights.

I will NEVER seek to tell you that what you experienced is invalidated by my experiences or by time.

If I purposefully hurt you, I do not expect you to be kind to me afterwards, I do not expect forgiveness, I do not expect you to magickally let go of it after I've walked away & moved on. I do not expect you to trust me on ANY level.

If you purposefully hurt me, I will distrust you, I will actively seek to keep you as far away from me & mine as I can. I will not hold my tongue about your past behavior. I will speak out, I will not pretend you were born yesterday & have never hurt anyone in your past.

If I see you manipulate & hurt people I care about - I will not treat you with kindness.

If I am seen as behaving in the same manner I expect nothing less than the same treatment.

Tonight I found out that the ex-boifriend's psycho ex-wife has been reading my blog. 1 word: CREEPY. Very Very Creepy. Wow, just wow, it has never dawned on me to want to read her writings. I don't want to. I have actively had nothing to do with her until she showed up at my house unannounced, uninvited, Labor Day weekend. I did find out she had trepidation about coming & tried to come w/ another couple, HOWEVER, she never tried in any way to have meaningful contact with me. The only way that anything could have been made easier for either of us. As I've never demonstrated to be a violent person, never demonstrated to scream a few inches from the face of the person I am upset with - I find it interesting that she felt that wasn't possible. Back to the blog reading. Eww, I was informed that writing about my experiences, processing them, in this forum was upsetting to her. She claimed that my writing is upsetting to my ex. If he reads more than whatever she points out to him, if he is hurt & wants to live in a world where talking to her makes him feel better than addressing it with me - I want nothing to do with it. That would be a huge part of why the relationship was so toxic.

Tonight for the first time & after much prodding she admitted that what she did was inappropriate. I am still processing it & will be writing as I do. This was also the first time she didn't call me magnanimous. That made me happy.

If you don't like it or are taking my writing personally - stop reading. - I don't force the people I have in mind when I do write to the living, to read it, Jase, Wes, feel free to chime in on that one as you are usually the peeps I have in mind. For all others, this is not for you. This is for me & the people that I care about, continuing to read my writing for some strange ammunition, for more of my "hurtful hidden messages meant just for you", etc... Is officially discouraged. I don't do the LJ privacy stuff because I don't care who reads as a general point. However that revelation from tonight is increasingly disturbing. To track my blog long after we stop having any association with eachother I am finding more stalker/creepy as time goes by.

In this moment

2010-11-03T00:06:00.002-04:00

Tonight I came home, showered, fell almost asleep. The door became locked & I was txted to let the boi in. We left for dinner @ the Diner. Shepherd's Pie - the first of the season was deeelicious - still too much mushrooms for me but then it always inspires me to make it from scratch without them. I like some of the earthy notes they lend to a dish like that - I wonder if I could use powdered mushrooms for the same effect...

We attended the Makers Alliance mtg. I saved the tears for when I got home. The idea is not yet the institution but is still growing into the dream.

On the way home we hit a pharmacy. Eye drops (gel rewetting drops - freakin awesome), Airborne - cuz I am out & the Very Berry turned out to be tasty, & a thumb brace for the MCP (MetaCarpalPhalengeal) joint. It has been really bothering me since I restarted on the Vit D.

Right now I am curled under 3 comforters, over an electric blanket, w/ both cats tucked in, I am fed, comfy& happy.

Just thought I'd share - I have more pending as usual - least lately - but for this minute, happy.

I dig...

2010-10-26T23:30:00.002-04:00

Snakes & bats. I dig the aesthetic of spiders, I dig webs and actual big spiders. I dislike lil spiders scaring me. I dislike getting bitten by spiders. Or snakes for that matter. I really really love bats, I dunno where this is going, but I thought I would put those down.

Ahhh me oh my...

2010-10-19T18:34:00.006-04:00

"Don't treat me like I am something that happened to you."

A few lies, I really dislike the trend of lying to smooth things over, lying to make everything ok, lying to ease their own discomfort regardless of the crap they cause others. I realize all too late that I have such complacency in my life. I want to burn it out. I want to expose myself to things that will make me grow & force me to reshape myself into more. Or less.

"Be authentic to your dreams. Be authentic to your own idea about yourself. Grind away at your own minds and bodies until you become your own invention. Be Mad Scientists"

RIP Benoit Mandelbrot

2010-10-18T18:42:00.002-04:00

"A cloud is made of billows upon billows upon billows that look like clouds. As you come closer to a cloud you don't get something smooth, but irregularities at a smaller scale."

Sad to know he is gone, so grateful for all that he gave.

Oh the states flying by...

2010-10-12T17:32:00.002-04:00

visited 28 states (56%)
Create your own visited map of The United States

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-09-11T11:48:00.002-04:00

So happy & excited. Plotting & loving. Can I tell you the most ridiculous moment, I was asked by the boifriend to go to his stepsister's wedding. Like a real grrlfriend, I of course countered w/ inviting him to the wedding I will be attending in October. It is kind of silly to feel so happy about seeing someone unafraid to become a part of my life.

I wondered as I woke up this morning if the last boi's problem wasn't being so horribly maltreated by his previous relationships. He trusted & let at least one of them get close to him & she ripped his heart out, ate it, & spat it back at him. He chose to lick it up & decided that this was perfectly fine by him. I'm shocked that I looked at the situation & decided it was fucked up just hearing about it. I brushed off everyone (& oh how most of those everyones turned out to be lying, selfish, manipulative creatures) who told me to get involved. When He invited me into his life I chose to partake. Sadly or luckily I was in a pretty fucked up place myself most of last year. I wonder if I hadn't allowed myself to be treated as a second class creature by a "man who loves me" if I would appreciate now being so loved in a different, more honest and open manner. I love the communication - I love that I can say, "hey, this is really bothering me" & hear, "hey, this is really bothering me". And not have to fret over touching an already broken ego.

On old...

2010-09-09T22:22:00.003-04:00

I spent the day @ work, putting out fires & praying that things improve. I am in love w/ my body. Another year has brought so many changes. I want my feet soft again, tough but soft. My elbows need nightly care & i love to have them rubbed, sooo good the sensation. I am in love w/my mind. I love the labyrinthine passages I've been traveling lately. I'll be listening to Only Revolutions all the way through soon - I wonder if Mark's voice will leave me in tears. I am in love w/ my emotions - the release & free flowing is stunning to my core lately. I am in love w/ my friends. I would not have survived this year w/o you. Every moment you remind me of the good parts. So much love.

It has been a good year, I've grown & learned. The list of learned will come later - I'm sure.

Thought of my day:

2010-09-08T18:06:00.003-04:00

The enemy of my enemy may be my friend.
The friend of my enemy is always my enemy.

"Somehow" the psycho ex-wife of my ex-boifriend (our last interaction - if you don't count her stomping on my foot as she walked past me @ another event) decided it was in her best interests to show up at party being held where I live on Monday. Apparently I'm the only one who had a problem with it. No one invited her but no one asked her to leave.

Hurt, yes.

Perhaps this is another exercise w/ the "Jessica is always only black & white" I'll buy that. No one else around me has the problems with her that I do. Then again they have never been the focus/target of her paranoid delusions either. I have no interest in allowing her access to myself or my possessions. I do not want her poisoning my cats. This would be the survivor in me taking control.

After a wonderful weekend - which I'll discuss later, this was just an awful homecoming. Statements have been made & she has been warned. The next time she'll be asked to leave & if she refuses she will be escorted away by police & I will secure a protective order against her.

Safe

2010-09-03T08:36:00.002-04:00

I'm awake @ the earliest dredges of HHVII - I have heated water for tea & so that coffee will be faster if anyone wants any as they come through later. My body is doing a cramp/bleed totally randomly - possibly stress related. Work is officially a source of stress for being just work, not horrific conditions, I am now actually doing real work all day. The projects & responsibilities are piling up & at least my 2 direct managers support me & understand that I am ask a lot of questions well above my paygrade but I have a good brain & can see through things.

I am continuing to sort the Dendritic Belles. It is a lil harder as work has ramped up , I have stronger and stronger urges to not do anything all the time. It is being balanced - my head is not as focused at different times. I feel fine right now on 2.5 hours sleep but zone @ work a lot during the day - still zombie-like doing my job but spacing inside. I needs to look to that.

Anyway - this is just a "Good morning - I'm alive - yay!" & Liz put "That Crazy Game of Poker" in my head & I cannot get it out...

I'm movin again

2010-09-01T21:49:00.002-04:00

Migraine earlier today - nipped in the bud nicely.

Strange dreams - so much coming out of me.

I think party next weekend for my birthday. I deserve it.

Complicated, Polyamorous...

2010-08-30T17:42:00.005-04:00

I am complicated: A loving, hateful, kind, harsh, open-minded, judgemental (capable of judging & applying those judgement calls to my life), hyper-analytical, ruled by emotions & instincts, yay me. I am also not capable of simple relationships these days. My last real relationship, can we call it that? - it certainly went on for a while but when a boi can't even tell you my eye color - really? - no. Bloody hells no, add in a psychotic wife/ex-wife and you have me playing punching bag for their emotional bullshit on top of the hard places my life was going through. & in all honesty her punching bag. I became the focus of her bad wiring. I feel bad for the next girl he gets involved with, whoever she may be, unless the anti-psychotic meds have been administered appropriately. I digress, I really feel a font of horrible sounding truths about her that I have kept silent on for a long time, I know I took a few too many attacks from her in silence. Regardless I am complicated. And I am officially in a complicated relationship with someone. I like it - we've been working on it for a while I guess, we spend time & communicate & it feels good. No haze or "if we don't talk about it, it doesn't exist", he doesn't hesitate to tell me what he is thinking, affectionate without fear. I am happy about it. I was happy before we said "yes" officially.

Random

2010-08-25T21:08:00.003-04:00

Ok so based on the premise (that I do not attempt to legislate): abortion is wrong & assisted suicide is wrong & morning after pills are wrong. Is it wrong to have wild unprotected sex after you find out you are dying, say 3 months to live, knowing that any disease or child that may come as a result of it won't come to fruition before you die? AND more importantly does it make a difference if you are male or female?

I'm up & running

2010-08-23T20:38:00.002-04:00

On another blog & on the Facebook & setting up the Etsy. I am happy & plugging away at it - I think I just became too sick of waiting for EVERYTHING to be finished.

The official name I am selling under is Dendritic Belles - sort of suiting both myself & the pieces.

So much happiness as things are coming together.

Plots within plots within plots

2010-08-17T21:30:00.003-04:00

I am sorting through it all & I will have Etsy & blog up within a week. Oh the seriousness of my existence. I want to continue making money at the necklaces. Full disclosure soon. I'm joi.

"Will you make me some magic with your own two hands?

Can you build an emerald city with these grains of sand?

Can you give me something I can take home?

I can do that."

Dreams

2010-08-05T17:13:00.003-04:00

I actually dreamt this morning. It was a return to a place I've been only in dreams. In the dream I was trying to escape, as the building was about to be destroyed but I kept getting further in trying to save others. With every step further in it was being revealed that we just needed to leave, to stop trying to fight & get out. It was a government conspiracy to destroy a building full of families & young people - my friends some I recognized, some I haven't met yet. Of course there was a boi & it was "Mr Man of My Dreams" - same dude I've been dreaming of for years - still haven't met IRL. Part of the reason I was there was because he was on his way back to us & then I was supposed to leave with him. He was our collective ride/trying to get help for all of us. The rest of me was realizing that even if he brought the promised help they were going to kill everyone there & destroy the building. As I woke up I was railing over that fact & trying to get people to leave with me - the only way out was into the water. At one point they were looking online & it was being revealed that we weren't "supposed" to be getting out. There was no place for us to go. I remember arguing about whether we could make a difference fighting as they rolled in tanks: survive & witness & keep fighting or stay & die, martyr to a cause no one knew existed.

Moral is that just because I see the truth I cannot make others see it. & just because I know they need the information if they won't take it from me then they are responsible for their own lives or lack thereof. I need to let go of the guilt.

Much better now, thank you.

ack tired...

2010-08-03T23:28:00.005-04:00

Things are moving w/the hackerspace, I am happy. The new space tonight, I somehow want to have the right temp for me to relax & get into it. Instead I feel overheated & gross. I am blurgy, I spent the day on the phone w/ Medicare trying desperately to sort out verification of coverage for patients.

On the insane side I saw one of my old old coworkers, I loved seeing her, her daughter was having her hair done by the woman about to do my hair. My hair is lovely & we managed to catch up on all the goods. I forgot how much I loved the people at that job.

I had a long listen w/ a friend who jumped off of the wagon & is in the process of swinging himself back onto it. It was good to hear truth from him. I'm worried but not freakin out about him. There is a part of me that believes that I've done my very best to give him the options that I know for his situations & to support him, but I cannot make him follow the path I want him on. I know that.

The trees - Plasti-Dipping the bottoms of the roots seems to be the trick to letting them retain flexibility & not scratch surfaces. I think that I need to do 2 coats on the sharpest bits. I'm refinishing the copperwire w/pale blue/green glassbeads necklace that I finished last night, needed to shorten it & re Plasti-Dip it. Cure tonight & set to wear to work tomorrow. The commissioned piece I sold to a coworker has already landed another commission on my desk. I am pleased. I am utterly joious. I am not budgeting $$$ into my life from this stuff, but I am starting to make a bit of $$$ for the $$$ I've spent on supplies. I just want enough to pay for hackerspace proper membership & possibly fund a "getting-my-life-back-in-order-right-goddamned-now" savings account. I would love to have enough socked away to survive alone. I would love to go back to surviving alone. Granted people have become center stage in my world again. BUT I miss my independence.

Following this note - it is kinda messed up but my time w/ the boi are my most independent feeling times lately. Not in control of him sensation or "teaching/showing" sensation. Just free & stable & balanced on my own feet. Back to BNL lately on the revolving playlists, i'm sure rounding the corner back to Buffett, but you'll have that when I crave the lyrics of my life.

"Anything plain can be lovely, anything loved can be lost

Maybe I lost my direction, what if our love is the cost?
Anyone perfect must be lying, anything easy has its cost
Anyone plain can be lovely, anyone loved can be lost
What if I lost my direction? What if I lost sense of time?
What if I nursed this infection? Maybe the worst is behind "

Necklaces - 2 of the commissioned pieces

2010-08-02T23:35:00.004-04:00

I loves them soo much, I need to get pics of the other piece, red wire w/ pink glass beads, reminds me of cherry blossoms. Etsy store will be up & running within the month.

Peaceful

2010-08-01T23:03:00.004-04:00

This weekend has been all about stumbling from point A to point B & somehow avoiding pain as best I can. I LOVE the fact that I am thinking at work more than before. However, I hate that my hands are mostly tied as I try to fix things. the stress has added to the pain. Most of my workdays this week I have been at 5/10 pain all day. 7/10 when arriving & leaving, it has been a lot of pain, I do no t like pain.

Last night I headed to the dungeon for voting on the bylaws & enjoying the party. It was a wonderful night of stories & touch & discussions from D/s theory to business ethics. I love that the soundtrack hasn't changed in 15 years - still a lil Lords of Acid, lil KMFDM, cries of pain & pleasure. I think I want to throw together some new playlists, heavier on the Enigma & VAST - also not new, but not the same old either.

I feel like I really needed that, I arrived at home, took meds, watched some "Masters of Horror" & curled up to sleep. It was really really nice, I haven't felt that kind of fulfillment in a while now, the social aspect. Last Thursday night I slept over w/ the boi. We'd spent the evening watching "Despicable Me" followed by dinner w/ mutual friend. I loved the movie. I loved the time w/ friends. At his place we took care of chores & settled in to "Pushing Daisies" - followed by curling up to sleep. It was very very satisfying. It felt really good - not the whole - I'm soo in love w/ him & I love sleeping in his arms. But the I felt safe & cared for by the man next to me. He sees me at least a part of me & after going unnoticed & unknown by a partner for so long it is almost overwhelming at moments to be cared for. In May I experienced a similar sensation piled into my bed w/ friends. I was more than just an interesting red head to them. I love my friends.

Well well well

2010-07-28T21:10:00.005-04:00

after several false starts I have updates:

I. I am working @ the same place, sched shifted putting me in from 0800-1630

A. I am doing much more work & have many more responsibilities.

B. Of course, the compensation does not equal the responsibility.

II. I've been seeing a boi

A. The relationship has no intention of heading to marriage, long life together, etc...

1. Currently described as

a. "Everything but"

b. "least insignificant significant other"

B. Regardless he is a delight & I am really enjoying this interesting start to what promises to

be a lifetime friendship.

C. I LOVE PDAs, AFFECTIONS IN GENERAL.

1. DO NOT let me accept anything less than that in the future.

a. I do not understand how I survived this year being a "secret"

i. totally my bad, I allowed it to happen, but it is like awakening from a dream.

D. I must comment that his most recent ex girlfriend has become a friend

1. Seriously after that whole psycho ex-wife to contend with, I am a touch gunshy

2. She is even wonderful knowing I do not want to sleep with her

a. I really think that was half of the psycho's issue: rejection.

III. I am selling necklaces

A. so far so good, commissioned pieces, the buyers are happy

B. I am desperately trying to get inventory together, but I keep selling off pieces as I finish.

1. I've had an offer to carry my pieces at a gallery/shop on consignment, I want to send some

over but I have to make them first.

IV. I still love my household

A. Everyone is growing & becoming & I love that too.

V. The cuddlesharks are wonderful & loving.

VI. Emotionally:

A. I am right on the verge of almost too frantic, like I'm in a hurry to get things done,

I rush & rush until life's no fun,

All I really gotta do is live & die,

But I'm in a hurry & don't know why

B. If you are singing right now - know that

1. I love you

2. we need to spend time in the moonlight

a. w/ some whiskey & sweet potato pie, shut my mouth.

C. I am sad when I have cause & happy when I need, I wait for no man's pleasure.

1. Yeah, it feels good to be centered & focused again.

2. The compass in my head has not found North yet but it will.

D. I really really really miss my biological family. Like seriously

E. I miss my extended friends old & new like crazy - i want you all piled in my bed for a nap.

VII. Physically - I'm worried

A. I need to see the doc soon I am waaaay overdue for a checkup

1. my breasts are tender, worrisome lumps, fingers crossed against mammograms

a. let me just skip straight to the ultrasound, please.

B. med costs are a concern & GOD BLESS CANADA.

VIII. Spiritually

A. I am craving ritual

B. craving community

C. I haven't decided what to do about that

1. the last people I joined in prayer have since decided to take a liar's word over mine.

a. there is no holding against them, but I prefer as much truth as possible

IX. I have random rants & epiphanies in the wings, just not done yet.

Please

2010-06-16T22:24:00.004-04:00

Can this week be less mixed up?

1 moved desk @ work - now very isolated from the coworkers doing my job = sucks

1a rumors of good things happening moving me forward @ work

2 assisted a friend go into an inpatient psych program that the friend is afraid of

2a less worry now that I know that friend is safe from hurting self

3 sore achey body from assisting friend move

3a friend is almost all moved = Joi!

4 I am exhausted & sore & just a wreck

4a I am alive, thank God I'm alive.

5 I miss my dad tween Fatherless Day & his birthday this week I just miss him

5a there is no upside to that one, sorry

Wants: rest & peace & to be held for a good long time - please leave me notes & we'll set up times & dates & locations.

Loving life

2010-06-07T22:01:00.004-04:00

No, stop rubbing your candy-coated monkey paws together, LOVING LIFE - not love life. My life is full of love though none happening in my bed. My past giving birth to my present is ridiculously full of joi. Prospective partners for both play & love - even the original Matthewkitty (sp? I think I only ever heard it pronounced) has shown back up - as only 2 people who read this know who I'm talking about - my giggles all alone will suffice. My toes curl w/ the joi of touch & cuddles lately.

I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the joi of surrounding myself w/ trustworthy folks. Speaking of the old, I know they are trustworthy - the new are still proving themselves & after the RR crowd - they have a long ways to go to do that.

On a sidenote David is home & I should sort to see him soon -eeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Lesson #45

2010-05-28T20:53:00.004-04:00

DO NOT ASSOCIATE W/ PEOPLE WHO SPEND THEIR TIME ON DIFFERENTIATING THEMSELVES FROM EVERYONE WHILE PROCLAIMING RADICAL ACCEPTANCE OF EVERYONE.

Wow, it took me a while to sort out this one. So I hope you appreciate the effort & pains I took in doing so. Whether it is the Catholic church forgetting basic precepts as it ostracizes based on sex or local burners bound & determined to be "private". Yep, just tossed them in the same rule of ridiculousness. Which there is a part of me that loves the cruelty of the irony of comparison. It is the same trap that so many groups fall into - as they try to prove how different they are from everyone else & they are the only people who know how to live.

Musing on this as more of Jay & Carrie's fruits come ready for harvest. If I knew 1 year ago the things I know now - things would have been very different. I was so happy, meeting so many new people, so many "good, trustworthy" people. I was a fool. I was being told lies, lots & lots of lies. The acceptance wasn't by self respecting individuals but by a mass of people moving superficially through social circles. What a difference it made once I realized it. I do not want to associate with them. The superficial mass - in a way that Cthulu has never bothered me, this mass disgusts me. Not that I will anonymously lose myself within it but that those who are a part of it have ceased to be individuals & are morphing into a blog of homogenous ooze. You've seen Slither - that is sort of the thing I have in mind. It strikes as a lot of "we're so very different in the exact same way". Each one is a bright & individual snowflake - At this point in my life snowflakes are great for throwing out of my way. The trick of this is that they don't get any deeper than that. The deep deepness of shared drug experiences, when you can talk them into it, shared work experiences; but only if they believe they are helping each other realize a great artistic vision. I found that hard to conceive & hard to swallow when I was involved but then my ideas of community are very very different & in being different, were condemned as wrong. My skin is crawling at every kindness I ever accepted now seeing the cost - the dear dear cost to myself of allowing liars near me.

I know I needed to learn this lesson. I needed this all to happen. I clearly lost my way. The stats run through my head, do I laugh more now? am I happier now than then? Resounding the answer is yes. I do laugh more now. I am happier. I love not being surrounded by people constantly playing the game: If I don't say it, it isn't real. If I just cover up this lie with another, no one will know the truth. If no one mentions the truth, we can all pretend nothing ever happened.

I love Warren Ellis, this is not new. The pretty pretty pretty words "Scally Twatcoffin" for example, such brilliant writing & concepts & ideas & ideals, like a prostitute w/ a heart of gold. I love him. BUT the thing that made me fall, wasn't the insults, wasn't even getting used to anything, it was the truth. The idea of the truth; above & beyond all other things & considerations there is the truth. There is a fine line tween saying things to hurt & saying things that need to be said. I know that I cross that line sometimes - but I'd rather cross it than spend my life avoiding it. I'd rather cross it telling a truth than avoid it with lies.

Which leads me back to #45 - I've noticed a trend of people in groups like this to subvert themselves to be like the other precious snowflakes. I say no. I hope this lesson stays with me. I hope I'm faster to get to the truth next time, to look for lies instead of trust strangers.

I need a home for a cat -

2010-05-25T20:17:00.003-04:00

She is a good & sweet cat who would be perfeckt for a single cat household.

She does NOT get along w/ other cats.

She is affectionate & cuddly once you get to know her.

I'll write more on this soon - but start talking to peeps you know if you know me - I'm willing to bring her wherever a new home can be found.

No I'm not writing about Obi - she's mine til death do we part at this point - but instead Poppet. The household cat here - she is a bitch, yes, but only because she is not so great w/ other cats.

So if you want a cat she is perfekt. If you have small children or other pets - less so.

Who knew?

2010-05-15T00:38:00.004-04:00

"RR Primer is officially canceled due to insufficient funds for insuring the event for three days, plus the bulk of our participants who have committed to attending won't have anything ready to prototype in time for that weekend. If both these situations change in the next month we will reschedule for mid-summer."

It is hard to stifle the laughter. This is a completely avoidable situation but alas, alak, the people running the show have carefully isolated & ostracized people like me who would have gladly gone to great lengths to create the revenue necessary to make Primer happen. As a victim of Jay & Carrie's cruel machinations - I can only hope this is just part of the bitter harvest they've sown. May their harvest be long & fruitful & may they reap every drop of what they have sown.

The funny is that their fear is the explanation given to excuse the things they did to me & others. Truth is that for all of myself & how inaccurately people read me - I sit back & let things fall to their own balance again. I don't have to try to hurt them or cause them problems. I do not have to wish them harm, or seek to harm them. They do enough harm to themselves without the sin of it on me.

Feels strange

2010-05-12T23:44:00.002-04:00

So much of my old life coming back up - far more than I expected. Moving past the most recent mistake has been hard. On the upside I never have to be kind or polite to his ex the psycho again. i think that is a good phrase for her. Revised rules have been adopted:

1. never fuck crazy.

2. never fuck someone fucking someone else who is crazy - there will be blow back from the crazy one.

3. NEVER accept any excuses for lack of communication; do or do not - there is no try.

4. never ever accept a relationship with a partner who will not acknowledge you in public.

5. Still not dating guys named Mike

6. There are no 3 strikes in lying. walk at the first lie.

7. walk at the first sign of adherence to the path of least resistance.

8. If you find yourself making excuses for their behavior - write it down - edit out the names & make someone read it to you. Decide where to go from there.

9. If they don't have truly close friends, they don't know how to make & keep close friends = RUN.

10. If they have not sorted out their family at this age = RUN.

11. If they have no sense of self worth = RUN.

12. If there is no random communication of rumored desires = something is wrong.

13. If they start comparing your relationship to a chess game = RUN.

Seriously anyone who surrounds themselves with superficial disingenuous relationships is not going to make a good partner.

Looks like

2010-05-10T23:30:00.003-04:00

My necklace has been a resounding success -
Imight just be selling them soon. It'd be nice to supplement my income. Keep your eyes open & wallets ready. The trees sill be mounted soon - still dunno how exactly but I will make it so. i like how in this one it looks like a spider/bug thingy. I will have better photos & details soon. Oh Etsy by so kind to me...

Heehee

2010-05-05T00:16:00.001-04:00

Necklace is done - no ideas what is next, better pics soon...

deadlines came & went

2010-04-27T00:53:00.003-04:00

Go read this. This is my life. Suspended animation & dealing with stuff out of my control. I'm composing an open letter that should clear up some of the drama bullshit that has been surrounding me since October. Now that Jay has admitted to his slander campaign I feel free to expose all of it - sunlight being such a great disinfectant. I hate being treated like I'm an angry ball of rage trying to hurt people. I find it amazingly freeing how people accept & encourage his choices & behavior. The excuses made for his actions. Just like any other smoke & mirror show - he's done it before & will do it again. Why? - because it works. Yet I am in the wrong because I am not letting it go & treating him like someone who won't turn on me & hurt myself & others in calculated moves to insulate himself. Or manipulate situations to his desires/designs or just advantages. I don't see the point in not talking about it. Other than that it makes things utterly disingenuous & superficial. I've never been comfy living that way.

Tasty

2010-04-25T21:47:00.002-04:00

East Coast Custard's delicious Butter Pecan custard topped w/ caramel & chocolate & pecans & cherries. I'm just sayin it has made my day. I am floaty right now & on the way to sleep hopefully for the whole night through.

blurry pics

2010-04-24T01:04:00.002-04:00

of my trees - I'm workin on it

I think I'm in love...

Leastwise I'm in love with me again & officially finished making excuses for the weak coward. I'm looking forward to a weekend of revelations, confrontations, & laughter at someone else's expense for a change.

Love letter

2010-03-31T22:50:00.002-04:00

to Archer,

Splooge, I love you. I love your dark & twisted humor. I love the way you say wonderful things for no reason. I love laughing at those people we just shot & set on fire in the other room...

I don't want to have any of your accidents. You make me laugh out loud even in reruns.

Thank you.

Tired & full of angsty madness

2010-03-30T21:00:00.002-04:00

Finished what could be the trunk of my second tree - not satisfied. Oi - feel like I am waiting on everything to drop into place. Possibly so. I just hate the consistent runaround from people - let's be honest - one person. I hate waiting for crap that I know. I hate being at the mercy of someone else's shitty self esteem. I hate having to wait for them to think they are worthy to handle situations.

Weak.

Can hz huge bruizez on mah legs

2010-03-29T21:46:00.002-04:00

I do not know from whence they came.

I've tried to be gentle w/ myself this week. Oi. Tomorrow = hackerspace then home, sleep & sweet dreams await my ever easing mind.

Oi

2010-03-26T04:18:00.002-04:00

Awake since 0230. I'm tired, headachey, sinusy, sore throaty, hot in my head, & cold in my limbs. Just checking in, my C5 vertebrae just popped into place & I hear the wind & rain outside. Hopefully less snow. It was slushy on the drive home last night. I'm hungry. I had Red Threat for supper last night. My housemate is finally kicking off some merchandise for sale that is starting online & will eventually have a physical storefront (color me proud beyond words). At some point I will have delicious pics of the tree up. There is a part of me that wants to do a Strange Fruit homage w/ a lil wire noose in a tree. I see the image in my head & get chills. I dunno if that makes me sick or some kind of freak. I realize 90% of my world will not get the reference. I started comparing my tree to the old psych test of "draw a tree". I'm wondering at all of the ideas that I have, of all the things I want to incorporate into it.

I'm wanting iced caramel latte when I get up today. I showered before bed - fell right under afterwards. Wes called at 0400 - threatening to come cuddle me til I fall back to sleep. $ says he'll be here soon, showing up in the middle of the night, crawling in next to me. Not tonight, most likely this weekend. He's worried. I am too. The fear of the last month has only been equivalent to the fear when I found out my rapist was stalking me again. That was long before I started writing this. I fail for words to describe how much the recent verbal assault harkens back to that period. The emotional traumas clawing back from deep inside. I saw him dead - I poked the corpse - somehow, some nights it doesn't help. I feel like I've been locked inside a trap for so long & I've finally succeeded in gnawing off my arm to get out. Now to figure out how to live without it, how to protect the damaged limb from others seeking to hurt me.

So parcel arrived - sheet sets & the Watchmen from Woody -the subtleties are not lost on me. Sleep more & stop letting people commit illegal acts. It is 0500 - I'm gonna try to catch a touch of sleep before work.

Still @ the hackerspace

2010-03-23T22:06:00.002-04:00

Finished a tree. I sat & smiled & enjoyed people. I was snubbed by someone I thought was a friend. Really a sad state of affairs. Gonna have to sort that out sooner than later. I hate Schrodinger's relationship, even among friendships.

OK off to home soon for food & peace...

Time

2010-03-23T01:12:00.003-04:00

I choose time limits for a reason. Be it the freight train or the end of the tunnel I need to know the end is coming. I need to be back in the light. When I ask for decisions or responses within a timeframe it is code for "do it or I'll do it". If I am looking for answers & taking the time to listen instead of make assumptions, it is only through great introspection that I have determined that I do not know the answers. If you choose not to answer me - I will choose for you. The worst case scenarios become the reality. They become what I will paint you with because you chose not to clarify. I've lived through horrific things. I've seen & tasted & smelled & touched horrible things. So when you refuse to respond to me I presume you are now one of those things. I'm not talking about dolphins fucking on Indian time. I'm talking about willfully knowingly agreeing to a timeframe then ignoring it as it passes. I believe the lesson we learned in January of 2009 is that I am worthwhile. I know I am worthwhile. I am unwilling to be treated like a second class friend or human being. If you want me, keep me. If you don't, there is the door. If you don't have the courage to stand beside me then I'd rather not have you in my life. I think I need to go back to surrounding myself w/ men who carry blades & know how to use them. Any Odinites left in my world?

Still moving

2010-03-22T23:23:00.002-04:00

Weekend was wonderful in a lot of ways & awful in others. I need clarification before documentation because I have some horrible things to say & some shining truths that will cut.

I can't wait for the things I'm working on to come to fruition. Can't wait til the rest of the truths come out.

The storm is making things nice & clean again.

I think I'm in love...

2010-03-18T21:04:00.003-04:00

Virtuoso - as brought to my attention by Warren, I want to hold his delicious brains in my hands & feel them pulse. Really pretty & the storyline has sent me twirling away.

& I found detailed instructions re: how to make a thing I fell in love w/ as a childe. My mom got one as a present from one of her patients. I'll hopefully have pics up soon. Little twisted wire tree...

Listening to Bushido @ work right now - The Prince (Machiavelli) is on deck; it had been waaay too long since I've read it.

Mmmmm delicious lil fetuses...

Psycho

2010-03-17T23:24:00.004-04:00

Not even the fun Angry Psychos kind of crazy.

Found out i offended someone by not tagging them in a note I wrote on FB. I've written what, 5 notes? Ever, on there, I left off someone because out of my what, 600+ friends on there I didn't think of her???

OK fucking psychos, I'm done w/ the borderline personality, paranoid schizophrenics in the world. I want a mental health clearance that you are not going to cause me or mine harm before you can get on the bus.

People say I'm intimidating, too tall too bright, too much energy & they don't like it when the room gets heavier, the pressure builds & they feel like they maybe just got too deep.

I haven't thrown a punch in anger since pre-highschool. I've never screamed in anyone's face, trying to intimidate them.

I don't need to.

Maybe I need to avoid girls & very effeminate bois, not the gays, loves my gay husbands. But the lil girls w/ their imagined wounds & inexplicable jealousies.

There isn't a person in this world that I'd rather be right this moment. Not even ashes in the grave for a change. Which reminds me: took 5 full minutes upon waking today to sort out why I was alone. Really strange, usually a minute as I come up tops. I'd ended up on the far bed against the body pillows. I was curled around them, in dreams safely tucked in Johnny's arms. Hard to sort that he wasn't here, reached for Adam, he wasn't here either. Just took longer than usual to realize they're gone & not here. Now that the weather is here I wish you were beautiful... err umm i mean this drink is too fruitiful, I think I'm gonna be making an overnight to the graves soon. Might work to reset my internal clock, might just be a good night's sleep. I know I need it, if I keep saying it I'll get my butt in the car & get there. Or you will come pick me up & drag me there...

*** of note***

I dunno when/how I can finish the middling pieces. However I'm home & back to writing more often than not. even if it is only babbling away. Looking back it is like a lovely record of things that took a giant hit this year. I took a giant hit this year. I did some stupid things & let stupid things happen. I'm better now. I have extra cayenne in my chai, considering exactly which dark spiced rum I'm going to purchase to add to it when I drink again. Mmmmmmm rum & chai, lordie, you'd think I was dating Cevan again. I do miss sliding like a child on his latex sheets, the thought makes me giggle.

Is pleased...

2010-03-16T20:48:00.003-04:00

I'm actually able to function again. A little, anyway. Feel like last night was transmuting the waters of life. The plans within plans all came clear. All it took was one line. A friend chastising me, knowing only a corner of the story, believing I was being horrible & immature. It all crystallized. It was like the moment our fate was sealed. When Adam & I knew the answer to the question she refused to give. When I fell asleep for the first time in the arms of a man. The bells rang & flames glowed & breaths were held as the universe took note of the choice made @ the turning point. In my muddering, my puddering, my inability to make decisions, to see a path, to sort a way through the underbrush. I was just handed a machete. Hell I was just handed a map, the opposing team's playbook. Sooo much of which was already in front of me. I was just too blind to put it together. The almost audible "snick" as it fell into place.

No worries folks. All will be well shortly. Now that I know what is going on for realsies, not just for guesses, instincts, and inferences.

& Jason, Woody, so we are clear when you call me bout this here lil post. No need for muscle. I feel like gravedancing in my sleep in the very near future. You should join me. I have enough energy to throw into it that we might just raise up some love. I found darkness in the heart of the sunshine, got blinded by the light of the moon.

I'm comin back around

2010-03-15T23:07:00.003-04:00

& when I do there will be more posts.

In the meantime musings of my muse.

I'm not paranoid. You aren't paranoid when they are out to get you. I have photos of the people following me, I have recordings of the whispers I hear in the darkness. I see their plays 3 moves ahead. It is not my fault you cannot see it.

I'm not crazy. The voices are real. You aren't crazy as long as you question your own sanity - right? The taste of the color is real too. The pain where my heart used to be is only phantom pain. If you give me some meds I'll go away, I promise.

I'm not heartbroken. He didn't break my heart. He never really had it. I kept it hidden away. I told myself I cared, I trusted, I loved. But really how can I love when my heart is 6 feet under & locked in a coffin. When the last man who held it kept it tightly in his hand as he died.

We never really made love. I was just the piece of flesh he fucked because the woman he wanted didn't want him anymore. He never looked me in the eyes when he was inside me. Closing his eyes picturing her. I was only a momentary satisfaction that never really satisfied. He left as soon as he could after. I was a drink of water while he waited for the rain to return. He didn't love me. He mumbled it when he thought I expected to hear it. Just enough to let me believe what I wanted & not what was real. Not on purpose because he never meant to break my heart - right?

Those are pretty. I want to turn them into real lengthy poetry bits as it is I hear myself singing them into an audience w/ Aaron beside me on the violin.

Mardi Gras update of sorts

2010-02-20T02:51:00.007-05:00

Not even a week into my new year - tonight I was screamed at in public. Literally a woman stood & yelled, first in my face, then as she moved further away towards the door turning to yell more & more before finally leaving. I didn't clap but a lady in the back did. I'm so happy she did, it let me breathe. I hadn't realized I was holding my breath. I thought it was done - I took a deep breath in October & moved past it - apparently I was the only one. I was calm & tried not to lose my shit. I was accused of a lot of things tonight. I "get close to people, get them to tell me their secrets, and then go out of my way to cause drama & meddle in their affairs". I am a "fucking judgemental bitch". I was in the same rant both insecure & magnanimous, I was supposed to know that Jay was a liar, in fact I'm stupid for not knowing that he lies & yet I should have trusted his lies completely after I found out. Literally the same set of sentences.

I started it all by answering her questions, that is what set her off. I didn't answer the way she wanted me to. Perhaps my style of communication or just that I thought she was asking for more than a superficial comment. I was so careful not to ask any questions because she was already showing hostility & I didn't want to egg her on. That was horrible of me & just made her continue to lose her shit all over me. I listened to what she said, nodding & acknowledging, trying to understand what she was on about. To glean what she wanted from me to calm down & stop. She didn't want to stop. She just wanted to hurt me as much as she could as long as she could & it made her crazier that I didn't let her force me into reacting.

**Laurie if you remember that last fight w/ Scott before I moved out - before I knew he'd stolen the cat. It was like that only she did not call me fat & it took place in public.

I didn't scream back. I didn't yell or raise my voice - I did laugh loudly @ the end of the night as I walked to my car & she continued yelling @ me (her storming out earlier in the evening was just for show). I couldn't resist it. That was weak - I know it was, I knew it as I did it. Felt a lil Cap'n Tightpants only bein "alright" instead of a "good man" @ the end of Shindig. I didn't call her names or flip her off - that took effort. I held my tongue thru a lot of really nasty things that this woman had been holding onto for goddess knows how long. There is a part of me that wishes I'd have known for sure this was what she had in mind - I might have skipped tonight. BUT then it would have just continued, the online attacks she's been pulling since last Saturday, and of course all the crap she's been harboring against me. Last time I physically saw her in December she was a font of compliments. Granted she'd been drinking. My hand didn't come off of the railing, I didn't trust it. Maybe I caused all of this in not lying & pretending that I feel other than as I do. I held back so many things I would have loved to say - But rationale had clearly left the building - she just wanted to keep on attacking. & yeah I know in my heart it was a lot of lashing out, a lot of unwarranted abuse coming from within her not caused by me, but it still hurt. It didn't hurt as bad as the unexpected attacks last fall. AND for a change it was all about me. She wasn't attacking others to get to me, just me. I can take it. Maybe that is the silver lining. I'm back to trusting, truly trusting maybe 25 people on the planet. And I've spent more time with other people in the last 5 months than the last 5 years combined. If I were a fraction of all she accused me of I'd be living in a cardboard box.

Sooooo, my dearest Mardi Gras gods, could I have a do-over? I want this to be let go of. I don't want this fight I can't fight because the rules are apparently: Attack Jessica constantly & allow for no perspective or discussion. No rationale only blind psychotic attacks. I still don't understand what I did to set her off a week ago. So a Mardi Gras do-over please. If I write it out I could burn up my entire supply of flash paper... Huhmmm, I know it is too late but I need to acknowledge that the begging is crossing my mind. & before the Roman collars collectively speak up, I know that forgiveness doesn't require a time of year or date or contrition for absolution. OK maybe that last bit... I know that like I breathe. I've tied it into the holiday not you, or heaven forfend the Church. This is gonna take at least a dip in a body of live water to let go of. & even then, I have that nagging in the back of my skull that I worked so hard to get over this past fall that I can't believe this really happened. Even writing this trying to make it real it feels like a bad dream.

Mardi Gras, finally

2010-02-15T23:16:00.003-05:00

I'm back again @ Mardi Gras, finishing out all the old. I've confronted all that I can confront (can't be held responsible for cowards). I love the freedom tomorrow brings, the focus to finish everything undone. I needed that. I need the ritual letting go of everything that has been unresolved. I regret allowing the pain from trusting liars but I don't regret the exercise of the trust. If that makes sense - it does to me but my brain might be hearing all the inflections, filling in, speaking the tongues of the olde gods as I say it. I hate that in trusting the good in people I was hurt so badly this year. Whether it was the slandering of my name or the horrible things done by former coworkers. Strangely the slander continues, although from a new source. I've gone from slut stealing men to judgemental bitch to drama causing psycho. Damned but don't I get around. However objectively interesting I find it that anyone would waste a breath on a lie let alone lies so ridiculous about me. I can only hope that in falling for some of the manipulations I didn't cause as much pain to others as they caused me. I've faced my mistakes & forgiven myself & others all that I'm able.

When looking at how much I've lost this year it is hard to sort a sacrifice for Wednesday. I'm hoping inspiration will strike tween now & then. My heart sits in someone else's hands, my possessions sit in someone else's space, I'm living in someone else's house, so much has been given up; control, independence, stability, peace of mind, gone. I feel stripped, it'll be interesting to see what the sacrifice will be. I feel the strength of the thing - like 12 years ago, for the piercing sacrifice, just building & building. The power, the energy coming together searching for focus.

Yep I know

2010-02-15T23:15:00.002-05:00

There are a dozen posts in half & malformed pieces - I'll post soon in the proper order but tonight I needs to speak of now.

FYI

2010-01-21T18:46:00.005-05:00

Seriously - driftglass dreamt this one up & after the SCOTUS decision today I am forced to add the entire Federal gov to the DNC in the Quote:

"And just in case anyone at the DNC is listening, if the national Democratic Party ever wants a minute of my time, a joule of my energy, a dime of my money or a deibold of my vote again, the request had better arrive on my doorstep pinned to Joe Lieberman's pike-transfixed head and wrapped in an open letter from the President of these United States in which he refers to the GOP as the "flesh eating virus of democracy", Fox news as "Reich-kibble for the cognitively-impaired" and the national press as "meth-tweaked lemmings""

More marathoning

2010-01-16T17:15:00.002-05:00

#6 Independence Day: Ahhhh ID4 - I clearly remember watching this at the Drive In w/ Sarah in college. Today, of course I slept through a lot of it - I cheered when Will Smith punched the alien & Data showed up but that was about it.

#7 Moonraker: funfun up for a lot of it - I do like a decent Bond film. but that was pretty much all this was to me.

#8 Close Encounters of the Third Kind: was as enjoyable as always - nothing of great significance except the reminder of how many things are more fun than Goofy Golf.

#9 The Adventures of Baron Munchausen: Joi - pure joi loves the Terry Gilliam & the Oliver Reed was fantastic. OK I have a thing for Oliver Reed, you knew that. I really enjoyed it.

#10 Short Circuit: bad jokes, worse than the audience for a change. which is more than a lil shocking - I remember watching this as a kid but I'm not a huge fan by any means.

#11 Surprise #2 WALL-E: Oi I don't care for this movie. Watching it here isn't going to change that. It just is what it is. It is starting now.

Oh Marathon XXXV

2010-01-16T04:39:00.004-05:00

How lucky I am to be here. I'm curled up down left as usual in the pit. Comfy on my air mattress. The walk over was better this year 2º to the lovely weather - since the last movie goes on at 0200 - which in Marathon time means 0400ish on Sunday morning the walk back looks to be not horrific as well.

Settling in this year there are more than a couple movies I haven't seen (shocker considering the lack of fundage for food let alone movies in the past 6 months).

#1 Terminator Salvation: I had not seen it - I liked that it followed T2 rather than acknowledging T3. I loved Christian bale though the role didn't exactly give him much to work with. I can't wait til he gets back to meaty roles. The guy from Avatar was in it (I did not know this walking into the movie) and his role was at least conflicted a bit - I dislike him less now, still not attracted to him but less dislike. Of special note - I dug Moon Bloodgood in this film. But overall it was an action flick. not a whole lot more.

#2 Moon: I admittedly do not love sam Rockwell, he pretty much WAS this movie. I dug Kevin Spacey's voice work - but then I do love him. I fell asleep thru bits & pieces, but overall not a bad movie. I dug on some of the end bits. It was interesting, I might consider sitting through it again.

#3 Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Must I explain my undying love for Douglas Adams & all things associated with him? - I enjoyed it in the Marathon atmosphere. The more I see him in it the more Martin Freeman as Arthur Dent reminds me of a very special guy in my life. I spent much of the movie missing him & blushing.

#4 Surprise #1 Bill & Ted Go To Hell: yes yes - I was up to see George Carlin @ the beginning & then slept til "God Gave Rock & Roll to you". No dreams, just sleep.

#5 Der schweigende Stern - First Spaceship on Venus: Dubbed oldie scifi film ripe for the stylins of the MST3K kids in the marathon crowd.

More later as things progress - I've put the meatballs on to slow cook & in 6-8 hours there will be hot tasty food.

Recurrences

2010-01-12T17:15:00.001-05:00

Oi, my life - it is important to note that I am employed again. Soon there will be more & more of my random epiphanies from the drives to & from the new job.

So today on the way home I was musing. A recent quote reiterated by people to me my entire life - some semblance of "I never want to be on your bad side". There are 2 situations which cause that statement: 1. they have just witnessed whatever little things are in my control (usually just myself) reacting to someone/thing that has done wrong by me. or 2. Someone who is still getting to know me & they hit upon the hard part of me & they are afraid of it.

Epiphany: Every Single Person - without exception who has offered such statements in situation 2 has done so already realizing that they have done wrong by me. They have proceeded to hide whatever they did. Hoping I would never find out. When I did find out they ran - unable to face me as they are cowards & unable to face anyone or having built me up so much in their heads that they were afraid of "what I am capable of". I am usually hurt by their behavior as they extricate themselves from my life - unless their trangressions are such that they simply cannot be allowed anywhere near me.

Henceforth all people that I meet no matter the circumstance as we become friends - IF they offer the unsolicited commentary re: situ 2 they will be marked in writing most likely here - just to see if my memory is an accurate prediction of future behaviors & the type of people/reasons people say that. That I am reading Drunkards Walk might have something to do with the need for measurable results, my apophenic self needs this right now.

Job starts Monday

2010-01-04T21:45:00.002-05:00

Time to sort a new direction for my life - I'm open to ideas.
I'm processing what I've survived so far. I feel a lot - no words to put to all of it yet. I'm sure I'll get there - then you will be stuck reading my ranting madness once again.

Amen.

2009-12-27T09:57:00.002-05:00

I'm not reprinting it w/ all the links: go here

However it concisely sums up my opinions on the healthcare reform. WTF people.

1. Add a robust public option open to all Americans.
2. Remove the rollback of a woman’s right to choose.
3. Repeal the anti-trust exemption for private insurance companies.
4. Add early Medicare buy-in.
5. Add a real employer mandate.
6. Fix the excise tax that would reduce the quality of many Americans’ insurance. This can be done by properly indexing it so that it forever remains only a tax on “Cadillac” plans.
7. Move up the start date of reform to as soon as possible. Three years is too long!
8. Increase the affordability tax credits to individuals.
9. Expand Medicaid to 150% of FPL.
10. Reduce the maximum annual out-of-pocket limit to 5% of income.
11. Move up state waiver for innovation to 2014 and add ERISA waiver. The state waiver for innovation is a good idea, but having it start in 2017 creates a bureaucratic nightmare of putting in place one reform only to replace it a few years later. We need to fix our system now, not have states start working toward a real solution a decade from now.
12. Give states that set up “basic health programs” 100% of the money, and allow them to use the program for people above 200% of FPL.
13. Allow for drug re-importation so Americans can get cheaper drugs from Canada or Europe.
14. Give Medicare the power to directly negotiate for lower drug prices.
15. Give the government the power to negotiate for lower drug prices on behalf of all Americans (like every other industrialized country does to bring down pharmaceutical prices).
16. Create a national exchange with a strong regulation enforcer instead of state-based exchanges with weak local insurance commissioners.
17. Force all non-HMO insurance plans on the exchange (or at least on the new OPM exchange) to work with the exchange commissioners to collectively negotiate a single provider reimbursement rate for all insurance plans (as it is in Switzerland, Belgium, and The Netherlands.)
18. Add truly strong risk adjustment mechanisms to force competition based on quality instead of trying to dump sick customers (as is done in The Netherlands).
19. Increase the actuarial value of the minimum qualified plans offered on the exchange and base subsidies on the gold level (80% actuarial value) instead of silver level plan (70% actuarial value).
20. Force all insurance companies on the exchange to offer at least one precisely designed high quality insurance plan. This will allow true apple-to-apple comparisons, and make it harder for insurance companies to game the system.
21. Greatly reduce the amount of plan design leeway given to insurance companies to reduce their ability to game the system.
22. Make it illegal to sell basic health insurance for profit, like in almost every first-world country on Earth.
23. At the least, allow only non-profit insurance plans to take part in the new exchanges (or OPM exchange).
24. Reduce the community rating based on age to at most a 1:2 ratio with age rating bands. (one price for all 18-30 year olds, one price for 30-45 year olds, and one price for all 45-64 year olds).
25. Make minimum medical loss ratio 92%. (Try to do this in way to get around the CBO.)
26. At the very least, remove the MLR loophole for the individual market.
27. Allow state and local governments to apply for grants from the CO-OP program.
28. Allow the co-ops to sell insurance to anyone, not just the small group and individual markets.
29. Allow undocumented immigrants to buy health insurance with their own money on the new exchange.
30. Make all legal immigrants eligible for all public health care programs right away, instead of creating a five year wait.
31. Eliminate direct-to-consumer advertising for prescription medication.
32. Provide enough money to give every American access to a community health care center.
33. Follow the FTC recommendations and create a real pathway for biosimilars to create generic forms of the most expensive medications in this country.
34. Create a Government-run HMO option modeled on the VA system.
35. Scrap the whole bill and replace it with a single payer “Medicare-for-all” system.

And more:

1. Extend everyone’s COBRA coverage until the reform kicks in (like in the House bill).
2. Better define the term “medical loss ratio” in the bill to prevent insurers from gaming the regulation.
3. Give the IRS power and duty to enforce insurance companies’ MLR regulation.
4. Remove the six-month wait for the temporary high-risk pools for people with pre-existing conditions. If you can’t get affordable health insurance, it is immoral that the bill makes you go uninsured for six months before you get care.
5. Set up the exchange and all corresponding regulations for small business as soon as possible (a few months). They delayed the exchange because the regulations in the individual market require the expensive affordability tax credits. The small business market will not get expensive affordability tax credits, so there is no reason not to start the exchange just for the small group market as soon as possible.
6. Let insurers in the new exchange use a reimbursement rate based on Medicare plus some percent. (This idea from Jacob Hacker would have similar cost controlling effects as my previous suggestion of having the exchange commissioner force all insurers using PPO’s to negotiate one standard provider reimbursement rate.)
7. Use the OPM exchange to replicate something similar to the Swiss or German system. (Only allow only new CO-OP plans to take part. Mandate a 93% MLR, precisely define benefit packages, and have them collectively pool their negotiating power with providers and manufacturers. Make all co-ops on the OPM exchange share provider networks, reimbursement rates, and forms for PPOs plans or out-of-network charges. Create a robust internal risk adjuster and give all plans in the OPM exchange the power to reimburse at Medicare rates plus 10% for the first several years while the co-ops and OPM exchange gets off the ground.
8. Allow people below 190% of FPL, but who are not poor enough to qualify for Medicaid, to buy in to the program.
9. At least allow people who were on Medicaid but have incomes that increase just slightly above the Medicaid qualification cut off to “buy in” to Medicaid so that they can keep a seamless coverage despite minor fluctuations in income.
10. Fully Federalize the whole Medicaid program.
11. Provide serious special benefits to insurance plans that score very high on precisely defined sets of metrics (MLR, cost effectiveness, consumer reviews, survival rates, speed of claim reimbursement, easy of appeal process, customer retention, etc.)
12. Encourage states and local governments to find a way to merge their state employer insurance exchanges with the new exchange as long as it can be done in a way that does not reduce the quality or increase the cost of coverage for state employees.
13. Encourage community health care centers to work together to create new fully integrated, cost-effective health care plans to cover individuals in Medicaid, the new “basic health program,” or on the new exchange. (like the Community Health Network of Connecticut)
14. Have all insurance plans that provide coverage for young children have zero cost sharing for the health care of the child.
15. At least make all health insurance plans covering children have extremely low co-pays, deductibles, and out-of-pocket limits for the coverage of the child.
16. Have all young children in the country without insurance coverage, regardless of legal status, automatically enrolled in some form low out-of-pocket public health care program. (No child on US soil or anywhere else on Earth should ever die due to lack of access basic affordable health care.)

Not infinitely

2009-12-14T09:37:00.003-05:00

I am patient, but not infinitely so. I am caring, but not without my limits. One of the biggest criticisms I get is that I love too much too deeply & accept far too much from those I love. I accept this too. The truth of the matter is that the line between in my love & out of it are so far back that most friends never get close to it. There are so few things that actually cross those lines. Acts of sexual predation, some murders, abuses, violence against children, extreme things like that. And of course: Lies. Lying to me, lying about me, lying in general that I find out about. That lil devil in all of those details: That I find out about. I find out. I always have, I most likely always will. It is strange when the actions of others force me to eliminate them from my life or from my heart. It is strange watching others I care about pretend to go along w/ people I see as untrustworthy. These are my musings this early early morning. I slept last night, have hot strong tea in my mug & a smile on my face.

Regret

2009-12-07T00:12:00.005-05:00

I generally don't regret. I weigh my decisions & interactions, my choices in general very carefully. Not stops me in my tracks paralyzed w/ fear trying to pick a path sort of way, but you've met me, simple fast blink decisions. I screwed up. I was a poor judge of character. I let emotions get involved with the facts presented to me & I chose to believe in someone who should not be believed. It has come to my attention recently that a trusted friend should never have been that at all. In fact I feel awful. Not because I made that mistake. People (including myself) make mistakes, they screw up & that is acceptable. Once a mistake has been made, once it has been realized to be just that; everything then looks to how one handles themselves. Do they come clean & own up to their mistake & attempt to rectify things with the wronged parties? Do they begin damage control in the fear that others have noticed their mistake & attempt to control perceptions about themselves? Do they attempt a character assassination upon the person who pointed out their mistake in the hopes to discredit this individual?

I've chosen to come clean. Since last spring I have believed someone who has been lying to me. Most of the lies have been about other people. I did not step up on behalf of these others because I did not know them well enough to know I was being told lies. Instead I allowed these lies to influence how I approached & thought of these people. There were truths in the lies. But I realize now that I participated, however unwittingly, in the character assassination of others. I deeply regret that.

It happens when you enter a new group of friends that people talk, they give you insights, they share with you the details of the relationships you are witnessing. This is an important function of the social dynamic. I have found that I have given ear to someone, who is not so bright that they see all the ramifications of their lies (I'm saying this person is NOT a mini-Machiavelli), however they are bright enough to think they can control perceptions of themselves & others. Upon finding out the sheer magnitude of the lies I was told I am in utter shock. It was uncomfortable for me to be told things that people did not want the person they spoke of to know. I accepted it as a part of how this person chose to live, shrouded by secrets, they painted themselves as a public figure that people gossiped about. I've found it has less to do with that, so much more to do with attempts to control perceptions.

Think of this less as complaint or reveal and more as a confession. I've been lied to & lied about. BUT I perpetuated the lies by not stopping them. I feel awful about that. I regret that. I'm sorry that I put my name up in defense of this person instead of the people that were being vilified. Out of the darkness and into the light. Sunlight is the best disinfectant. And all that rot, rather all that growth.

A Love Letter to my friends

2009-12-03T03:38:00.003-05:00

Dearest friends,

I love you for accepting me the way that I am. For allowing me to change & grow but not labeling me or putting me into a static box. You respect me & the hard choices I make. You treat me with respect, answer when I call, come when I need, aren't afraid to expect the same from me.

I love you. I love the ways you trust me. The truths you tell me. For calling me on my bullshit & reminding me when I'm staring at the line just how far I am from it. For loving me when I call you on your bullshit. For helping me to be honest to myself.

I love you for believing in me & supporting me in every imaginable way. Regardless of the situation, you help me process, to see all sides. You listen to me & tell me what you think & give me the freedom to make my own mistakes while still supporting me as myself.

The support you've given in the last few months has been immeasurable. You've kept me sane, kept me here, kept me in one solid piece. Without you...(insert ridiculously sappy Rent lyrics here)

For singing songs beside the graves, for touch, for understanding, for compassion, for talks til 0400 that never seem to end and yet have just begun, for laughter, for tears, for warming me better than a hot tub, for cooling better than the cold side of the pillow.

Thank you.

I've been writing that for weeks now - I feel it is as ready as it can be - of course - there is sooo much more.

Sweet lord...

2009-12-01T14:15:00.002-05:00

Scares me oodles. Seriously everyday the world gets a lil more scifiscarelicious - though i've stopped chanting 1918 for a while.

Peace in the Valley...

2009-11-30T21:29:00.001-05:00

This is how I feel tonight - thank you Alabama 3 - if you can tell me the underlying message of this song - there is a prize in it for you.

"For whatever reason you refuse to feel this space we're in,
To know its insanity, really know it,
Whatever your particular anaesthetic is, that you hold onto so desperately,
The thing I mean that makes you think you know who you are,
Whatever that thing is that you allow to keep you sane,
Your ace in your hole,
The psyche that keeps you from trying to guess what your pimp has in store for you,
Whatever keeps you from screaming out at this very moment in absolute and sheer horror,
Whatever you fuck your brain with, whatever that is,
Whatever that is,
It's a lie,
It's a lie."

She spends too much time with herself every night
Just fooling around with her fears.
In the morning she mourns the decline of her mind
Drowning in a bottle of beer.
It's too dangerous just to think about what she might have been
If she'd sung for salvation, if she'd danced on her dreams.

But there's gonna be peace in the valley tomorrow
'Cos tonight she's gonna blow it all away
Lord, she feels so twisted, She ain't ever gonna fix it,
She's just waiting for the light to shine on a brand new day.

An' he don't know if he's a communist, a hedonist or a whore
Spent too much time ridin' on a white line to find the door
An' if he did and he opened it, he'd find those letters in the hall
But he's too blind to read between the lines
'Cos the writing's on the wall.

There's gonna be peace in the valley tomorrow
'Cos tonight he's gonna blow it all away
Lord, he feels so twisted, he ain't ever gonna fix it,
He's just waiting for the light to shine on a brand new day.

(Let that light shine awhile,
Grand old oprie lights are on, Hank Williams on the juke box, we all comin' home tonight.
I'll tell you dear...)

I got Ecstasy, but I need some company
You got that mystery; Lord I need a plan
All I got is a compromise and a bag full of alibis
Lord, as empty as the bottle of whiskey in my shaking hands.

There's gonna be peace in the valley tomorrow
'Cos tonight we're gonna blow it all away
Lord we feel so twisted, we ain't ever gonna fix it,
We're just waiting for the light to shine on a brand new day.

(One more time for the people)

There's gonna be peace in the valley tomorrow
'Cos tonight, we're gonna blow it all away
You know we feel so fuckin' twisted, we ain't ever gonna fix it,
We're just waiting for the light to shine on a brand new day.

(Now's the time for you to get right and repent)

Oh yeah.

So much & yet so little

2009-11-20T05:37:00.003-05:00

DiFranco was sick - he is getting better. Had to have 8 teeth removed. We are waiting on results from thyroid tests. He has one more day of pain meds left - I've been daily updating on the FB. Pic is over a year old - he's lost about 1/2 the weight-but structurally still a big kitty. He's on a prescription diet to regain some of the weight & shows signs of a returning appetite.

My sleep schedule is completely out of whack. Fretting over too much out of my control. Trying to control what little i think I can. I can't find my chai - it is kinda making me crazy. That & the grow light for Dagon & the bamboo - so far they are ok - but I can't seem to find it.

Oh here I am

2009-11-05T02:13:00.002-05:00

Up in the middle of the night - waiting for sleep that seems to have lost my number.
On the upside I have a job interview for an LMT position next Tues morning - however it will be indie contracted & not solid. & C has hooked me up w/ possible seasonal work on the eastside. & I'm still meeting w/ the owner of the Salon around the corner for wknd indie contracted relaxation work there. I need $$$.

Obi is doing well, fat & purrlicious as usual. DiFranco has lost a lot of weight, kinda lookin a lil skin & bones. I can't get him to eat the NutriCal - I'm worried a bit, but he is acting like normal- just looks all crazed because of the BioSpot oiliness on his neck yet.

In trying to patch my wall tonight - my housemate caused some sparks from the electric. It is out, we are fine - it is just a much bigger job to sort out than we thought. And yes - it kinda freaks me out.

I'm chillin in bed - hoping for rest soon, I swear my sleep schedule is completely screwy again - I'm up & then I'm down then i'm up again & the phone is jammed in next to my pillow so I won't miss a call as I doze during the day. This is still my best time of night. No caffeine, NONE. Which makes it stranger. oi.

Happy Devil's Night

2009-10-30T23:40:00.002-04:00

On this night I remember the details of Brandon Lee's death, where I was, how I found out. The circumstances surrounding my first viewing of the film. It is New Year's Eve on soooo many levels. I love it. I had it on tonight as I was sewing the costume for one of my housemates - she is going to be an eel - my meager sewing skills brought forth a barely fitting strapped frock - which is kinda cool considering it was a satiny material & I couldn't find my good shears to cut it with & have no pins to pin & couldn't find my tape to measure. I had the opportunity to do the zombie makeup for a friend of mine - it was cool all Thompsonesque - I did a temple wound - I love doing that.

On the flip I slid into The Crow the deeper issues, the things that cannot be forgiven & all the bits & pieces that O'Barr's work struck in me. They still strike. I'm like a giant bell & he strikes just right to leave me ringing for days. My thoughts feel thready, I'm to bed.

O freakin K

2009-10-27T04:49:00.003-04:00

Best moment of the night - I just got to my room AND I just turned on the recording of Castle from tonight. And our blessed Nathan Fillion is putting on... ... ... Oh hells yes!!! a "space cowboy" costume. Yeppers, it is our beloved Capt'n Tightpants in everything but the browncoat - the coat had a hint of red to it but that can be forgiven. Oh how I love that man. AND I love Firefly. AND I love Halloween. AND fantastic Frank Miller comic book details. AND using a Dremel to carve a pumpkin in the shape of Max Shreck. AND acting like a proper father to his tv daughter. JOI - tonight's episode has made watching Castle totally worth every moment. Seriously it only gets better - I am not erasing this til it airs again & then only to rerecord it.

Tonight the other best moments included possibly ending drama & strife in my life involving someone I love. Oh how this could end some of the relationship mindfuckery if everyone is agreeable. The email has been sent - we'll see how this plays out & I might just have to scream it feels so good to make things be less stressful.

Tonight there was also resolution to another issue that has been weighing on my mind & heart. Maybe I should rename this post "An Ode to the Jois of Open Communication" I feel like air for a moment. I know this is a moment. & this moment will pass. There are so many other things weighin me down right now. i feel like tattooing sensation into the somatic memory of people so they understand what I mean by Open communication & what i mean by immediately sharing information & ideas & feelings. I firmly attribute these things to be the cause of Obi coming up & headbutting me before curling up purring in my arms tween the keyboard & I. Truly I am euphoric about finally having some semblance of control over something - myself.

No headache or any other pain. Hot damned.

Am ok for now

2009-10-25T00:27:00.002-04:00

Pain has passed & I am regaining my usual energy & verve. I am fully throwing myself into this new game called "Life" - though I do like that my car isn't full of lil plastic knobs. Only my bed (haha) - seriously I'm continuing the jobhunt & lawyerhunt though I've been able to get my hands on some interesting paperwork & find out a few interesting things about the people who have caused the last 2 months to be so horrific.

I am currently snuggled in at the House - not the Haus - there can only ever be one Haus & that is in Toledo. Ahhh even as I write this I realize that I could just write FTS - I'm snuggled in @ the FTS Compound errr... maybe commune. Watching bad movies... Red Sonja currently - making me smile & feel less terrible about not being able to do more.

Snuggles & cuddles from this touch starved grrl.

Updates:

2009-10-19T01:16:00.003-04:00

Trying to catch up on some of the events.

Decompression - good & good for me. All except for the sleeping outside in a tent in that weather - A wonderful "more than a friend" {oh, the jois of avoiding definitions til further notice - I'm not complaining, I am joi} joined me so it wasn't as cold as it could have been.

Zombieland - was a brilliant movie, truly I recommend it w/ no precautions. It was seen w/ crazy urban family & i hearted it.

My patient's funeral - was really good & appropriate. It was good to have my feet on sacred ground. I thinks that I need to spend some time in Carey, OH @ the shrine or at least an old stone Catholic church soon. I crave the energy. I need to feel the cold seeping into my bones.

Georges - was here from Glasgow & I loved having him. I enjoyed his visit as well as his physical presence - I'm just perpetually touch starved these days. Sad sending him home.

Sarah & Franco - reconnecting face to face after years - it was soooo good to lay eyes & hands on them.

Metallica - freakin 3rd row seats - It was AMAZING. Like just picture me channelling the end of the "Snakes & Barrells" episode of Metalocalypse. I love their music so much & the vibe @ their show was fantastic.

That brings us to today.

I have my plan of attack for the week mapped out & I am heading into it full force. I'm shaking but shouting. Screaming a lot of "Psycho Killer" lately. Qu'est-ce que c'est?

Update

2009-10-11T21:00:00.003-04:00

My patient has passed, yes, that one, I'm dealing with it now. Thank you for anything you sent - prayers, energy, light, love. It was a good death surrounded by loved ones. She was younger than my father. I can't put into words right now how precious she is in my heart. She showed me a light I had forgotten in the last 7 months working with her. I have greatly & deeply benefitted from having her in my life. I am grateful.

I wonder if she'll find the answer to the Crash Test Dummies question for God, a query that caused him to shuffle his feet, when she got to heaven. - the tenses are on purpose, I believe there is no time wherever she is now.

I was hoping that this would wait...

2009-10-10T11:28:00.002-04:00

until later in the presidency - you know until it was actually warranted- until he had actually caused peace somewhere in the world.

BUT - I can't resist this:

In other news...

2009-10-08T19:07:00.003-04:00

Georges gets here from Glasgow in less than a week!!! - I'm so excited that I can hardly contain myself. Short of the Metallica show there are no plans - AND yet still I am too excited to see & cuddle his skinny butt.

Prayers, energy, light...

2009-10-08T14:07:00.003-04:00

My cancer patient is dying - you've been around me for the last 6+ months, you know who I am talking about. She is a dear sweet soul & is currently surrounded by family & friends. All I'm saying is that she is not too much longer of this Earth. All prayers, love, light, & energy that the transition is smooth & swift.

On the side I've got to admit that I appreciate being involved so closely with death & dying & terminally ill patients because it keeps me honest. Who has time for petty liars & their bullshit drama when you are holding hands with death? Perhaps this is me being way too extreme, but as with all passings I am reviewing my life & I realize again that I am happy with my choices.

Cleaning, organizing, joi

2009-10-01T21:12:00.003-04:00

Tonight I made dinner for my new household - spaghetti & meatballs - they had been simmering most of the day. Good reviews all around. I am currently cleaning & reorganizing my space it is about 50 in here & I am eyeing my pile of "to be blankets" clothes & my sewing machine - but the piles of stuff in between are daunting - I hope to have it presentable for saturday night.

Speaking of which we are having a party here at FTS Compound for Justin's birthday - if you haven't met Justin he is fantastic. You can see my new digs & visit the cats if you make it out. Well you can meet the other 4cats & come up to my room to see mine.

Adjusting - kinda.

Recycled Rainbow has ended

2009-09-28T00:11:00.002-04:00

& to continue this line of thought I had lyrics in my head every quiet moment I found myself in. It was the rain & missing Adam. I found him in my forebrain a lot this weekend - nothing to do w/ the temple, just other things & camp & rain & too many moments spent singing to eachother in the quiet thru the pain. Too many nights holding him thru shudders & sweats & nausea & fatigue. I tried to stay busy or preoccupied. It worked kind of, lots of silent tearing thru the weekend. The thought of rain started the lyrics rolling thru my head beforehand.

"EPONINE

Don't you fret, M'sieur Marius
I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now
You're here, that's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
And rain will make the flowers grow.

MARIUS
But you will live, 'Ponine - dear God above,
If I could heal your wounds with words of love.

EPONINE
Just hold me now, and let it be.
Shelter me, comfort me

MARIUS
You would live a hundred years
If I could show you how
I won't desert you now...

EPONINE
The rain can't hurt me now
This rain will wash away what's past
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
I'll sleep in your embrace at last.

The rain that brings you here
Is Heaven-blessed!
The skies begin to clear
And I'm at rest
A breath away from where you are
I've come home from so far
So don't you fret, M'sieur Marius

I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now

That's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close

MARIUS(in counterpoint)
Hush-a-bye, dear Eponine,
You won't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt you now
I'm here

I will stay with you
Till you are sleeping

EPONINE
And rain...

MARIUS
And rain...

EPONINE
Will make the flowers...

MARIUS
Will make the flowers... grow... "

Maybe someday I'll sing it & he'll live instead.

Saturday night

2009-09-27T23:53:00.003-04:00

Temple burn

This were the words ringing in my head.

"If you were here
I know that you would
Truly be amazed
At what's become of what you made
If you were here
You would know how I treasured every day
How every single word you spoke
Echo's in me like a memory of hope

When you were here
You could not feel the value that I placed
On every look that crossed your face
When you were here
I did not know just how I had embraced
All that you hid behind your face
Could not hide from me
'Cause it hid in me too

Father:
Hello tiger, it's great fun, talking with you. like this--in fact I'm going to do it more often

Now that I'm here I hear you and wonder if maybe you can hear yourself
Ringing in me now that your somewhere else.

Father:
I miss you a lot

'Cause I hear your strange music gentle and true

Father:
But I'm so proud of everything you do there

Singing inside me with the best parts of you

Father:
Next time I see you you'll proudly sing it back to me

Now that I'm here

I hope somewhere you hear them too

Now that I'm here

I love you...

Daughter:
It's okay you can go now"

Mixed emotional bag of mess

2009-09-27T23:15:00.004-04:00

"How many do you need?"

"I was told you are a collector"

You know me - nothing quite like being accused of being a whore. Nothing quite like being openly judged & spoken of behind my back before uttering a word near my face. ME?!?!? The woman who kills herself to trust anyone.

I ended the burn talking to the one person in my current social circle who I would vote off of the island if I could. Confronting me finally as she projected her own insecurities & behaviors on to me. I'm pacing the cage til I get to address everything with the appropriate parties. I hate liars.